84. Shino’s Anime Filler, Episode 1: Shippuden Past Arcs: The Locus of Konoha – Team Tenten! Part 2

“This sucks! Su-uh-uh-uuucks!!!” I cry while we catch and fry up some fish from the nearby river for lunch.

“Sorry about the ‘new ninja tools,’” Naruko says while wrapping me in a comforting hug and stroking my hair. She’s a good girlfriend. “You don’t need anything like that to kick ass, though!”

Sniffling, I nod my head. Naruko is… correct.

Until I met my beloved Shino, my career had been one failure after another. I was told I didn’t have a talent for medical ninjutsu. Guy-sensei tested me for nature transformations, only to discover I have a rare condition similar to Lee’s in that I don’t possess any elemental affinity. That’s why I threw myself into Sealing Jutsu and exotic weapon proficiencies. Without a clan’s backing, secret family jutsu, or Kekkei Genki, I was likely to stay Genin fodder rather than even ascend to Chunin—let alone Jonin. My world revolved around finding special ninja tools or, lacking the ‘special’ part, utilizing what I had to their utmost.

I got my hopes up visiting this so-called ‘Konoha Ninja Tool Research Lab,’ but I already have my leg up in the world. Shino-chan is my light, my hope, and my pride. She chose me to be her partner, and I’ll do my damndest to make optimal use of every tool she puts at my disposal! I’ll become the equal of Copy Ninja Kakashi or the Blue Beast of Konoha (Guy-sensei)! No, with the help of Shino-chan’s biological ninja tools, I can even surpass them!

“Hey, team captain, you should see this,” Neji says, interrupting my musings. He must’ve noticed something with his Byakugan.

We return to the hut only to discover it’s empty.

““They ran!?!”” Naruto and Naruko exclaim together.

“Welp,” Naruto says with a shrug, “They were useless anyway, so let’s just head home.”

“Though this mission ended in failure, it’s not your fault as team captain, Tenten-chan,” Neji offers what little reassurance he can.

Damn, this day has gone from bad to worse.

“No, wait,” I say, carefully picking up the fucking stupid Double-Bladed Kunai. Something tells me there’s a spark of genius behind the madness that a normal mind could never have conceived of. “They were useless, true, but their passion was genuine. Something isn’t right.”

“Alright. I’ll check the surroundings. Byakugan!” Having noticed an anomaly, Neji walks over to a hanging spade and pulls on it, opening a hidden door in the back of the hut.

““A secret passage!””

Following the tunnel leads us to an enormous underground chamber with a narrow path over a bottomless pit. Dozens of huge razor-edged pendulums swing over the walkway, making progress seem impossible at first glance.

“Hmm, there must be a way to disarm the trap,” I say.

“Up ahead,” Neji points to a bullseye target at the end of the line of swinging pendulums. After identifying a likely solution, he proceeds to throw a kunai before I can tell him it’s a crapshoot with a one-in-a-million chance of making it through the gauntlet.

Predictably, the projectile bounces off a pendulum. Unpredictably, this springs a secondary trap, and dozens of shuriken-launchers sprout from the walls and ceiling. They all swivel to aim at us.

“Oh, fuck. Revolving Heaven Palm Rotation!”

“Ice Release: Crystal Ice Mirrors!”

A hundred projectiles careen our way in a whistling barrage, but Neji and I can defend against them, no problem. His Palm Rotation blasts the shuriken from the air with pressurized chakra bursts while my Ice Mirror appears in front of me to block the rest. Naruto hides behind his boyfriend while I pull Naruko close, shoving her face into my tits for comfort this time.

After the first volley, the turrets fall silent, and we return to examining the narrow walkway.

“Neji-kun, I know you’ve got the Byakugan, and you’re cool and all, but please let the markswoman handle the trick shot.”

“You’re a markswoman?” Naruko asks in awe, eyelashes fluttering as she looks up at me with those gorgeous baby-blue eyes. She’s so getting laid after the mission.

Normally, I’m not one to toot my own horn, but this little lady clearly doesn’t know who she’s talking to. “I can hit 100/100 targets every time. Watch.” I line up my shot, exhale, and throw. My kunai sails past a dozen pendulums to hit the target dead-center, first try. “Three-sixty noscope!”

“Nice!” Naruko shouts, offering me a high five that I gladly accept.

“What kind of language are you picking up from that creepy bug girl?” Neji eyes me like a weirdo. I shrug, and he tips his head in a shallow bow. “My apologies for encroaching on your domain, though, team captain.”

“It’s not over, yet.”

The pendulums all retreat into the ceiling to be quickly replaced by scores of wooden practice dummy puppets emerging from the tunnel on the opposite end of the walkway. They charge us with human wave tactics, threatening to overwhelm us.

Not on my watch.

“Ninja Art: Rising Twin Dragons!”

I withdraw two scrolls from my toolkit and set them on the ground. After performing the correct hand signs, a dragon of smoke appears around me and ascends skyward. The smoke dragon soon dissipates to reveal a double helix of unfurled scrolls. At this point, I leap to the top of the helix and unseal a myriad of weapons in rapid succession: kunai, shuriken, flails, axes, kama, sais, claws, needles, and spikes. I throw each ninja tool at a separate target, hitting every training dummy dead-center in a flurry of steel. They all fall still.

“Damn,” Naruto says in appreciation of my skills after my graceful landing.

We throw open the doors at the end of the tunnel to reveal the true treasure trove. It’s a horde of prototype weapons that don’t suck!

“Amazing! These blades! These spikes! They’re beautiful! Fuck, yes, I wanna take them all home!!!” I squee, fangirling over the designs while pumping my fists for joy. This day wasn’t a waste, after all!

“Hey, don’t take my masterpieces without permission!” the old man shouts as he enters the room from the opposite side.

“Please, share these tools with the Village,” I implore, bowing respectfully.

“Nope.”

““Eh?””

“I can’t have my weapons being handled carelessly. Well, I am impressed you bypassed my traps…”

Carelessly? Carelessly?!?

“Pshaw. That was nothing,” I retort, letting my pride show for a second. I want this guy to know he didn’t come close to challenging us.

He raises an eyebrow in response. “Interesting. If that’s the case, then let me test your skills once more.” The apprentice boy hauls out a gigantic, heavy scroll that completely defeats the purpose of sealing tools in scrolls. It must have some very inefficient seal-work.

“What’s that?” Naruko asks.

“It’s my pride and joy, Jidanda!”

We’re interrupted by an explosion up above, and warning sirens blare from hidden speakers. “We’re being attacked!”

Now, of all times?!?

Everyone rushes back through the secret tunnel to the surface to see the cause of all the commotion. It’s two ruffian ninjas outside with giant scrolls tied to their backs. Tch, more inefficient sealing techniques, so I know they’re losers. Smaller is better, people! (At least with Sealing Jutsu, winky-face~) Only idiots get impressed by big scrolls.

“Who are you people?” master Iou asks.

“That doesn’t matter,” the blue-robed ninja on the left says, “We’re here for your ninja tools, old geezer.”

“We’re protected by the Hidden Leaf, go away!” Iou brazenly calls back.

Claiming protection and then refusing to supply us with tools… the balls on this old bastard!

“Ha ha ha! The Leaf is in no position to protect its borders! Gameru-kun and I were able to slip in no problem.”

Ah, vultures. The type who only comes around when they sense weakness. They heard about the attack on Konoha and decided to take advantage.

“You’re right, Kusune-kun,” the red-robed ninja says after sizing us up, “They’re just greenhorn Genin.”

Oh, yes, please, let’s put our skills to the test and see who’s the greenhorn! “Neji, Naruto, Naruko, split and charge!”

Naruto smacks Neji playfully on the ass as they divide to conquer and says, “Show ‘em what you’re made of, babe.”

The interlopers summon their ninja tools in a puff of smoke as my team leaps into action. The blue ninja now holds a shield stylized as a metal turtle shell, and the red one wields a spear with a cross guard and decorative tassels around the neck.

Neji darts toward the shield user, but a panel on the shell opens to shoot dozens of kunai rapid-fire. The Hyuga boy has to stop and use Palm Rotation to deflect the projectiles, stalling his advance.

Meanwhile, the Uzumaki twins propagate themselves into many Shadow Clones that attack from all sides. However, the red ninja is quick, nimble, and his spear’s shaft can stretch, contract, and bend like a striking snake. His spearwork is less technique, and more an extension of his arms as he swats away clones and poofs dozens of the orange-coated knuckleheads without breaking a sweat.

“That’s Dako and Tsurukame! Why do they have my prototypes???”

Don’t tell me, the junk he showed us before were all decoys so he could keep the cool shit locked in a vault!?! What the hell is wrong with this crotchety bastard?

“I’m so sorry, Iou-sensei,” Shoseki says. “When the funding dried up…”

“You sold them!?!”

Ahh, so that’s how those vultures got the prototypes, and how they knew about this place. Still, keep better track of your weapons stash, old man!

“But master, they said they were only collectors, and the tools were only prototypes…”

“Idiot!”

The turtle shell opens various compartments as Neji edges closer, launching nets, dozens of shuriken, and suppressing-fire senbon to drain the Hyuga boy’s chakra reserves. Then, when it seems like the blue rogue ninja is finally out of ammo, he opens a chamber in the back of the shield and slides another scroll inside. “Reload complete.”

Neji’s expression is pure frustration.

Naruto and Naruko attempt to use that new jutsu they were working on, Rasengan, but haven’t figured out how to throw the thing. It seems like their version requires two people, each helping to contain and accelerate a whirling sphere of chakra. Good thinking, Naruko-chan! But then their fascinating example of chakra shape-control fizzles out uselessly when the clones wielding it get popped by Dako.

“These two are close-combat specialists. Don’t let them get close,” the red ninja tells the blue one.

Yeah, this won’t end well unless I get involved.

“Don’t get carried away! I’m your opponent, now!” I say as I unroll the comically large scroll on the ground. Fuck, it’s like ten tatami mats laid out side-by-side. Glancing at the sealwork shows how incompetently it was done. I’d only need a fraction of the square footage here to contain whatever this thing holds.

For the record, I could probably beat their asses with my Crystal Ice Mirrors and kunai. However, if the old man made those two ‘prototypes,’ then I really want to see this mystery tool in action! Either the turtle or the snake tool could potentially pave the way for a Genin rising to Chunin—I’m so envious I didn’t have something like that after graduating from the Academy!

Instead of wallowing in anger, I flash the hand sign that releases the seal and something monstrous appears in a puff of smoke.

““Wow, that looks cool, dattebayo!”” Naruko and Naruto shout while Neji stands there slack-jawed.

It’s a ten-foot-tall giant, spiked, iron ball. The spikes are freaking enormous! “This is a ninja tool? How the fuck do you even move it?” The thing must weigh several tons. This is a prank, isn’t it? Another one of the old man’s idiotic double-handled kunai ideas.

“It’s not about strength! Consider it a challenge!” the old man says with a chuckle, taunting me as if I’m the moron for not seeing its potential.

“Shit, is that what we came here for? It’s just a big iron ball,” Gameru complains.

Well, he said what I was thinking, but I’m not about to let that stop me! I’m Tenten, Konoha’s future Jonin mistress of weapons!

I find the handle, which looks like an iron club with a big-ass wire cable clipped onto the end. I give it an experimental flick, only to discover the cable is weirdly responsive. The wave of my flick traveling through the line turns it—for just a moment—into a whip that follows my intentions, smacking into the pair of vultures and pushing the enemy ninja duo back a step. Huh. Looking more closely at the design, I realize Jidanda is an oversized ball-and-chain flail.

“The cable is made of the same special alloy as Dako’s shaft. It’s reactive to chakra, allowing you to manipulate the cord like a ninja puppet without the strings, but also stretch and bend along its length. Also, the spikes extend to reveal explosive tags for a special surprise!”

“You just spoiled the surprise, though…” Neji deadpans.

“It’s fine! It’s fine!” the old man reassures.

My brain goes into overdrive trying to imagine ways I could turn Jidanda into an actual usable weapon. Hmm, it’s sturdy. And by that, I mean it’s literally a big iron ball. Maybe I could use explosive tags to propel it into the air and then swing it around by the handle?

No, no, that’s dumb. Explosive tags aren’t infinite, they’re not exactly dirt-cheap, and they waste the majority of their energy exploding outward in all directions—delivering only a small portion of their power as recoil to the surface they detonate against. Extremely inefficient. What I really need is a reliable way to control Jidanda’s acceleration.

“What if…?” I ponder, then bring up my hands to form the seals for, “Ice Release: Crystal Ice Mirrors!”

If I can enter the mirror wearing my clothes and holding my kunai, why shouldn’t it work with any ninja tool I’ve touched with my chakra? And, sure enough, Jidanda sinks into the Ice Mirror I place beneath the big iron ball! Because Jidanda is so big, the mirror that swallows it is necessarily several times larger than normal, limiting me to two. But that’s exactly as many as I need.

Jidanda emerges from the mirror I conjured thirty feet in the air and plummets to the earth. It lands on the first mirror, sinking inside smoothly and teleporting back up to the second where it emerges to fall again. And once more while everyone stares on with bulging eyes. Although it takes another expenditure of chakra to reclaim and replace the midair mirror after Jidanda exits, I now have ninety feet of mass-times-acceleration equals force to play with. A vertical mirror perpendicular to the ground sends Jidanda shooting in the direction I want, and good timing allows me to grab the handle as it flies by.

I dig in my heels, acting as a fulcrum to slightly alter the trajectory of Jidana’s flight as the cable unspools before finally going taught. Jidanda turns in the arc I prescribe, barreling into the two ninja vultures from the side before the blue one can turn the turtle shield to block.

““Gah—ck!””

Both idiots become nothing more than red smears on the grass as Jidanda skids and rolls to an eventual stop.

Neji, Naruto, Naruko, Iou, and Shoseki all stare at the scene with slack jaws and frozen expressions of awed horror.

Happily skipping up to Naruko, I lift her chin with the tip of my finger, shutting her lips with a quiet click of teeth, and say, “You’ll catch flies if you don’t close that pretty mouth.” I’m so going to fuck her brains out after we’re done here. Nothing like a little carnage to get your heart pumping! Then I prance over to the inventors to ask, “So… can I have it, now that I’ve mastered your prized ninja tool?”

I’m suddenly in an exceptionally good mood after discovering a new way to weaponize my Ice Release. Thanks again, Shino-chan~!

The old man blinks in shock before furrowing his brow. “Nope! I found some adjustments that need to be made. Come on, Shoseki-kun, reseal the prototypes, and let’s head back to the lab. You kids can take whatever crap we have lying around back to the Village.”

My jaw clenches so hard I almost shatter my teeth. This is bullshit! Those weapons are only ‘prototypes’ because the old man won’t stop tinkering with them!

“Hold it right there, you old bastard!” My shouting stops the inventor pair in their tracks. “Listen here, my wife is the head of the Aburame clan. Not only can she petition the council to stop funding this ‘Research’ Lab that doesn’t produce normal ninja tools and hordes all the good stuff for itself, she can outright buy this place out from under you with her recent influx of funds—or she can singlehandedly provide all the compensation you need to repair and maintain these ‘prototypes’ in addition to funding your hobby. In other words, I can make your life a living hell or bankroll your whole operation. I trust you’ll make the right call.”

“…Please come inside for tea while my assistant cleans up the mess outside, Tenten-sama,” the old man immediately starts bowing and scraping before me.

I nod in approval as the two of us head into the hut, my teammates following behind with their mouths still agape, “Now, let’s talk about sealing jutsu. Whoever’s been designing yours is doing some seriously shoddy work. Jidanda’s scroll weighs more than I do!”

“That would be Shoseki-kun. He’s a fine lad, if a bit presumptuous, but the truth of the matter is that he’s an Academy dropout. We haven’t been able to afford a real expert in Sealing Jutsu since being exiled from the Village…”

I whip out my ink and brush. “Well, that won’t be a problem anymore.”