83. Shino’s Anime Filler, Episode 1: Shippuden Past Arcs: The Locus of Konoha – Team Tenten! Part 1
It’s our first mission after the attack on Konoha. The ‘vacation’ was fun, but I guess it’s back to work now. At least I have a beautiful wife and her harem of spectacularly sexy kunoichi to come home to! Not only that, I have my own little harem of girls to play with, and my strength as a ninja is growing by leaps and bounds. Letting that sexy nerd from the Aburame clan seduce me was the best decision I ever made! Heh heh heh heh…
“Tenten-chan, what are you thinking about that there’s such a lascivious expression on your face?” Neji asks me.
I wipe the drool from my mouth and take on a serious demeanor. “Sorry, I spaced out.”
“Ahem,” Guy-sensei clears his throat to regain our attention. “As you know, due to the personnel shortage after the attack on Konoha, D-rank missions will be handled by teams of Genin alone.”
No Jonin parachute if things go south, huh? That’ll result in more casualties among the Genin. “But Guy-sensei, with Lee-kun in the hospital, we’re only a two-ninja cell.”
I wish I had Kin-Kitty or Karin riding with us. Not that I need their help—in fact, that’s the reason Shino sent them with the others today. Too bad. I love it when they slip themselves into me inch by inch until I’m full. I love it when they push their smooth, shapely limbs from my flesh, and I love the feel of their skin against mine as we move in tandem. Mmm, yesss, there’s nothing like having a pretty girl inside my body!
“That’s why we’re shuffling things around!!!” Guy strikes a pose for emphasis, snapping me out of my naughty fantasies again. “Say hello to your new face on the team! Come on out!”
“Who could it be?” Neji wonders.
Then Naruto comes around the corner nonchalantly and rubs the back of his head to show contrition for his lack of dramatic flare. “I’m not sure what’s going on, dattebayo, but I’m the ‘new face.’”
“I was hoping for a sexy new girl I could give to Shino-chan…”
*Cough* “Ahem, and our mission?” Neji presses.
“The details are here,” Guy tosses us a scroll after recovering admirably from his failed ‘reveal.’ “Tenten, you’re the team captain for this mission! Good luck!”
And then he Body Flickers away in a puff of smoke before we can ask questions.
“Eh?”
Me, the team captain?
“I suppose Guy-sensei felt you were better suited to lead this mission,” Neji says with a shrug.
Naruto nods along. “So, what now?”
I clench my fists. If I’m going to be a Chunin, no, a Jonin someday, I need to develop my leadership skills! “I’ll make sure this mission is a success! The fate of Konoha depends on me!”
Neji rolls his eyes. “It’s only a D-rank mission…”
Naruto looks from Neji, who blushes and looks away, to me as I waggle my eyebrows back at him. I know he shares a mind with one of my wife’s harem girls, which means we’ve fucked a whole fucking lot, and I don’t intend to let him forget it. He seems uncomfortable caught between us, continually looking back and forth between us as if not sure who to give his full attention.
“Shadow Clone Jutsu! Sexy Jutsu!”
Naruto-N and Naruko-S (the latter fully clothed in a fitted version of Naruto’s orange jumpsuit that looks super cute on her! Squee!!!) stand before us after having split themselves in two. Smiling with satisfaction, I glomp onto Naruko’s arm and nuzzle into her twintails to inhale her lovely natural scent.
Meanwhile, Naruto takes Neji’s hand in his and rubs his boyfriend’s arm affectionately. I wink at Neji, who tries his best to ignore me.
This is going to be a good day!
“There’s the hut.” On the outskirts of Konoha we find the home of an experimental weapons development specialist. Officially, it’s called the Konoha Ninja Tool Research Lab. “It was originally located inside the town walls… but supposedly got booted out after a few too many explosions.” The rumors are a bit vague on the details. “Our mission is to restock the Village supplies by retrieving 1,000 kunai, 1,000 shuriken, 1,000 senbon, and, if available, new ninja tools~!”
It actually says those exact words in the mission briefing! How awesome is this mission?!?
“Shit, that’s a lot! How are we supposed to haul them all home???”
“That’s right! That’s right! You’re so smart, Naruto-kun!” Naruko says, complimenting her male self. Actually, they’re acting a bit like twin siblings, so I might mentally refer to them that way from now on.
“Scrolls exist, Naruto-kun,” Neji sweetly explains to his dumb, hot, himbo boyfriend and equally dumb and hot bimbo twin sister.
Yeah, I see why Guy put me in charge here. My skills with Sealing objects into scrolls is unmatched among Genin and most Chunin (humble-brag). Taking home that much inventory is no problem for me. More importantly…
“New ninja tools~!?!” I’m getting wet just thinking about them!
“Ninjutsu is all about challenge!”
*BOOM!*
A huge puff of smoke rises from the chimney of the hut as we approach. The four of us rush inside to find an old man and his apprentice working to put out a small fire. There’s no danger of it spreading, so we let them handle it.
Maybe we caught them at a bad time?
“Ahem, are you master Iou-san?” I say after clearing my throat to get their attention, though I’m positive it’s him.
The old guy is short, mostly bald with a few strands of grey hair left, and has a small mustache with a goatee on his face. He’s got gloves on with both arms bandaged, likely from minor burns working around a forge, and he’s wearing a high-collared jacket with black trousers and a blacksmith’s apron. A Leaf Village symbol decorates the apron, showing loyalty to our home despite living outside its borders.
“Why, yes, can I help you and your little friends, young miss?”
“Master Iou-san, do you have any new ninja tools?!?” I ask with, admittedly, a little too much enthusiasm. The apprentice boy stumbles into me with his hair on fire and I smack him aside. My team looks on in shock, but there are new ninja tools on the line!!!
“We’re supposed to be gathering supplies for the Village…” Neji reminds me, but his voice is a faint, annoying buzz in my ears.
““Yeah, ‘1,000 kunai, 1,000 shuriken, and 1,000 senbon,’”” Naruto and Naruko cheerfully repeat in unison. They’re lucky Naruko is cute.
“New ninja tools are more important! Captain’s orders!”
“Oh, sure. We’ve got those,” the old man casually states, making my heart race with excitement. “Shoseki-kun, get the stuff.”
The apprentice is a bespectacled boy with dull, black hair and a broad face. He wears a red jacket over a blue kimono shirt, a brown sash around his waist, brown pants, black gloves, and bandages on his arms and legs like his master. Shoseki scuttles off to retrieve several packages while I bounce on the balls of my feet.
“Behold the DBK, or Double-Bladed Kunai for you lay folk,” Iou says.
We all stare at it.
“Umm, where do you put your hand?” Naruko wonders aloud.
“Ow!” Naruto screams as he pokes his finger on the point.
“That’s poisoned, by the way,” the old man mentions after the fact. “Be careful.”
“Your face is turning purple…” Naruko says, poking her twin as he foams at the mouth.
Needless to say, I’m a little disappointed. The old man reads my discontented expression.
“Right, that’s why I made this! The DHK, or Double-Hilted Kunai!”
““…””
“I’m leaving,” I say as I turn around before I start bawling.
“But Tenten-chan, the mission,” Neji reminds me.
“Let me go cry in the forest by myself!”
“Wait, young miss, you haven’t even seen the TBS, Thousand-Bladed Shuriken! Or the CSSC, Chain-Sickle Sickle-Chain!”
“I’m leaving too,” Naruko agrees with me.
“Hold on, hold on, I keep the good shit out back.”
“Behold the Ninja Shuriken!”
It’s Naruto strapped upside-down to a giant shuriken on a launcher.
“Neji-kun, switch with me? Pretty please???”
The Hyuga boy seems tempted by his boyfriend’s pleas but isn’t willing to compromise his dignity without lives hanging in the balance.
“Umm, what the fuck is this?” I ask, angrily prodding at the launcher.
“It’s a shuriken designed to be piloted by a ninja!” Shoseki gestures to the lever next to Naruto’s bound hand.
“Fire!” the old man shouts as he presses a button before we can ask more pointed questions.
Naruto shoots abruptly into the sky and, when he pulls the lever to steer, rocket jets spurt from the shuriken blade tips to spin the contraption around rapidly midair. If it were an average human, they’d black-out from the g-forces and die. Thankfully, after Naruto crashes into the bullseye painted on a nearby rock in an explosion of smoke, he stumbles from the wreckage merely walking crooked and barely singed.
“That’s not going to work for most people,” I tell master Iou. “Got anything else?”
“No, not really.”
““…””
“Leaving,” I say as I turn around while drawing my kunai and lifting my shirt in preparation to commit seppuku.
“But Tenten-chan, the mission,” Neji reminds me.
“Just let me end it all!”
“No, Tenten-chan! There’s so much to live for! Look, I’ve got two reasons right here!”
Thankfully putting her back to the others to avoid flashing them, Naruko unzips her coat to expose her naked breasts to me. I dive into her cleavage and motorboat her chest to restore my will to live.
“Old man, it’s true what they say, you got kicked out of the Village because of all the explosions and failures, didn’t you, dattebayo?” a soot-blackened Naruto shouts as he grabs Iou by the shirt, inadvertently stopping the geezer from peeping.
“Don’t call them failures. They’re ‘challenges.’”
Sighing in defeat as I rise from Naruko’s lovely reasons to live, I admit to myself that Neji is right. Again. “Old man Iou-san, please supply the Village with—”
““—1,000 kunai, 1,000 shuriken, and 1,000 senbon,”” Naruto and Naruko autocomplete in unison.
“The regular stuff,” I feel the need to clarify while rubbing my temples to prevent a migraine.
“Don’t wanna,” the old man objects like a petulant child.
“JUST FUCKING DO IT!!!”
“O-okay.”