82. The Search For Tsunade

“Naruko-chan, don’t tell me you’ve spent all your time away from the Village screwing? What happened to finding Tsunade-chan and learning that killer new move?” Sakura gives the blond knucklehead a noogie while demanding answers.

“No, no! Actually, pervy-sage just bought a whole bunch of water balloons from a festival vendor. He says they’ll be perfect for training, dattebayo!”

Sakura bonks Naruko on the head, leaving a comically large lump. “Water balloons? What kind of freaky kinks does this guy have???”

Oh, good, Jiraiya started teaching her the Rasengan!

“Shino-chan! I finally finished learning the second stage!”

“That’s great, Naruko-chan!” Developing the Rasengan requires three subsequent stages where chakra is rotated in the palm of one’s hand, then with increasing power in multiple directions, and then finally concentrated into a small volume. It’s an A-rank jutsu with no inherent nature transformation, just shape manipulation.

Hmm, if things proceeded by canon, and the old man managed to succeed in sealing Orochimaru’s hands, this is around the time that snake-in-the-grass goes to visit Tsunade. He’s not exactly a smooth talker in trying to convince her to heal him, but almost manages it anyway by offering to resurrect her little brother and expired boyfriend using his forbidden jutsu.

“Oh! Pervy-sage and I just found Tsunade-chan! What luck!” Slowly, Naruko’s expression sours. “Wait… This old lady is the one they want to make the Fifth Hokage?!? And she turned it down!?!?! Riot!!! I’m gonna riot, dattebayo!”

I hold her down and whisper sweet soothing nothings until she calms. “What’s going on now?”

“Well, she was talking shit about the old man, so of course I challenged her to a duel!”

“Did she beat you?” I ask.

“Umm, yeah… but I almost hit her with that cool new technique! Anyway, I made I bet with her I could master it in three days—which is no problem at all, dattebayo!”

I nod to myself, noting everything is going according to plan, more or less. Naruko shouldn’t have any difficulty completing the jutsu in the allotted time… however…

“Naruko-chan! Do you suppose you could show me that new technique you’re training? And later, you can show it off to all the girls! Then to Kiba-kun, Choji-kun, Shikamaru-kun, and Neji-kun. And don’t forget Lee-kun in the hospital! Oh, and maybe we could find Kakashi-kun to see what he thinks.” If her clones happen to send memories of additional attempts at learning the Rasengan to the original body, so what?

Why shouldn’t I put my finger on the scales, so-to-speak?

“Hey, Shino-chan, there’s a woman at the door!”

“Someone is visiting your other body? At this hour?” What the heck is going on?

“Yep, that’s right! She wants to come in… Oh! Shino-chan, I think she’s into me! Why else would she be here?”

I mean, I’m into Naruko, so I don’t deny the appeal, but there’s probably a mundane explanation, “Describe her.”

“Short, bookish, dark hair, and a bit plain, but cute, too, dattebayo!”

“Oh, it’s Tsunade-chan’s assistant.” Right, Shizune showed up to give some exposition on Tsunade’s tragic backstory. Cue the waterworks—Minutes pass, and then Naruko tears up as expected.

“This is a super sad story! But, umm, Shino-chan, should I make a move on her, or…?”

I’ve created a monster.

“Read the room, Naruko-chan!”

“Shino-chan! Shino-chan! Shizune-chan says Tsunade-chan has been talking to Orochimaru-kun about restoring his arms! Pervy-sage, Shizune-chan, and I are going after her!”

Ah, If everything goes according to canon, this is where Tsunade has a change of heart and betrays her deal with Orochimaru. She can’t go against Konoha despite all the trash-talking she did about ninjas and the Kage system. Instead, she starts fighting the snakeman and Kabuto in a two-on-one.

Actually, with Orochimaru’s ‘handicap’ (lol), Kabuto does most of the fighting. He’s more skilled than he lets on, but Tsunade is experienced and incredibly strong. Unfortunately, they know her big weakness is hemophobia brought on by trauma from the deaths of her loved ones who died in her arms.

“Oh! We got there just in time! Pervy-sage isn’t feeling well, and Shizune-chan is helping Tsunade-chan, so I’m fighting Kabuto-kun by myself. Wait, Kabuto-kun is a sound ninja?!?” That’s right, they parted on good terms during the Chunin Exams. Poor Naruko—always the last to find out she’s been double-crossed. And I can’t believe Jiraiya still fell for Tsunade’s drugged sake even after I had Naruko warn him! Well, I can totally believe it because the ‘pervy-sage’ has a soft spot for his childhood crush. “Kabuto-kun seems a little confused… That’s right! I was a guy last time.” I can imagine the nonplussed look on the medical-nin’s face. “Whatever! He can’t get away with betraying the Village and helping Orochimaru!”

Technically, he’s not betraying Konoha because he was never on our side, but, whatever.

“Shit, he’s kicking my ass!”

“Come on, Naruko-chan, just use your new jutsu! Didn’t you perfect it last night?”

“Oh, yeah!”

While drugged-Jiraiya fights armless Orochimaru, Naruko uses her version of the Rasengan to blast the fuck out of Kabuto point-blank.

“Oops, I think I hit him in the nuts…”

“Ouch, a Rasengan to the balls?” I say, picturing Kabuto doubled over in agony. “You could call it the colliding-marbles technique?”

Seeing Naruko win their bet by mastering the technique in the allotted time and healing Naruko’s battle wounds cures Tsunade of her hemophobia, which lets her finally take on Orochimaru with Jiraiya’s help. The battle ends in a climactic clash between three summoned kaiju: Manda the snake, Gamabunta toad, and Katsuyu the slug.

They shove a giant knife through the snake’s head and Tsunade decks Orochimaru in the face. Seeing he can’t win, both Kabuto and Orochimaru retreat.

“Looks like they ran off,” Naruko says, “And my main body got beat up real bad. But at least we have a new Hokage!”

Tsunade has come to town at last.

Shikamaru got promoted to Chunin alone amount the entrants (Rigged! This shit is rigged! I call bullshit!), with Asuma, Choji, Choji’s Naruko (C), Shikamaru’s Naruko (SK), and Ino with my Naruko (S) taking him out to a celebratory barbecue dinner. Good for him. And probably a celebratory orgy afterward. Well, as long as Ino and Naruko-S keep their hands to themselves, I don’t have any issue with them being present—let Shikamaru and Choji fuck their Naruko’s side by side and enjoy the show while Ino fucks Naruko-S with her big futa cock.

Speaking of Naruko’s, we do finally confirm that the original needs some alone-time at least once a week. The headaches from the constant influx of dozens of simultaneous memories gradually grow worse until Naruto dispels most of the clones (he wanted to keep the ones in Sunagakure) and takes a nap in his own bed. It’s a simple matter for Naruto to generate a bunch of clones the next day after he’s feeling better and assign each of them to their respective partners.

Like in the Anime, Lee is faced with choosing between a life without Taijutsu and a risk of death undergoing Tsunade’s surgery. Unlike in the Anime, thankfully, Naruko-L is there to hold his hand through those dark hours of contemplation.

Also unlike in the Anime, Kakashi never got Tsukuyomi’d and didn’t need medical attention.

Weirdly enough, Sasuke still got hit with Itachi’s genjutsu and went into a temporary coma. I suppose he’d continue to get in Itachi’s way otherwise, so I understand why the elder Uchiha brother came back around after that supposed ‘eye-bleach’ incident in the hallway. Thankfully, Tsunade’s medical jutsu is able to help him recover regardless.

Unfortunately, whatever mind-fuckery Itachi slapped him with seems to have given Sasuke depression just like in the Anime. Not enough to stop him from making out with Naruto when the Uzumaki boy kissed him awake like Sleeping Beauty, but there are definitely some dark wheels turning in that kid’s head.

The fact they don’t immediately go up to the roof to start dueling is proof we’re not stuck in the manga canon. Not that I didn’t already know that from Gaara possessing the Magnet Release. There’s no telling exactly how many days will pass before the start of the next canon arc, but rest assured we’re in ‘filler’ territory now.

I can manipulate things somewhat with my clan’s influence, but I’m going to run into serious limitations. Simply throwing lots of kunoichi at a problem isn’t always possible. Everyone is busy with near-constant missions after the Konoha Crush. We must maintain pre-attack-on-Konoha levels of activity to avoid seeming weak to rival Villages. The most I can do to help is substitute one person who’d otherwise be there according to the Anime with another by submitting a formal request. Although, I suppose my ‘floaters’ don’t count—Kin is supposed to be dead and Karin shouldn’t be here, so they don’t have any other responsibilities.

Yes, that could work! There’s potential here!

Normally, in dealing with filler while watching the Anime, I’d be bored out of my mind… but, living through it, I can’t help getting a little excited!