Chapter 32 – Falling apart

"Say, Xethu, is there a particular reason you're wearing... such clothes?" I ask curiously as we sit in my room. "Not like I have an issue with that, but they look very unlike... Katarin."

After we introduced our personas from VOW she, recognizing mine, showed me a few posts about me in FTLN, some of which I have already seen before, but they weren't blown up to the point of planetery hits. Yet. Afterwards we talked a tiny bit about our adventures there and I got to know that although she also spawned on Beholder's Eye, she is right on the opposite side of the human country, so I don't think I'll be meeting her anytime soon. And despite the initial rejection from her group of 'friends' she has had good time there, learning to fight with an instructor she stumbled upon by chance and spending time in a town closer to the edges of human territories.

"Uh." She grimaces at my question. "After they... did what they did today, I came back home and wanted to... distance myself, you know? It was the first thing that caught my eye and I didn't really think straight back then. It matches perfectly with me though." She gets a bit embarrassed and smiles lighlty.

Oooh~, what do we have here?

I grin at Xethu and lean forward. "Righto, you said you're a lesbian. Is there a reason for that?" I ask with narrowed eyes.

"Y-yes. I... uh." She puffs out some air and grimaces. "I'm a lesbian, and I got to know a full damned year ago. Didn't get any help from my parents though."

"Oh, okay. And here I hoped you found someone you like." I say, faking disappointment, and she tenses a bit. Hm? I wonder... "Well, good you sorted things out for yourself, I know from Catherine it can be hard." She visibly relaxes at that and smiles lightly with a nod. "I wanted to ask about the tattoos though." I look at her, rasing an eyebrow in question.

"Um, that's... something I've hidden for a long time." She says with a smile, making me raise both my eyebrows in surprise. "I had them made... two years ago, when I saw Alex with similar tattoos, and I thought it was nice."

"Wow, how small this world is." I mutter. "I know Alex quite well, though she now goes as Catherine. She's my best friend, I guess? I've actually been playing with her a bit." I explain seeing her clueless face that soon morphs into astonishment and kind of nervousness. Hmm.

"Oh." She says eloquently with blank face and chuckles. "Well indeed, how small this world is. Anyway, I have these tattoos for two years already, it's just that I've been hiding them. As for the patterns..." Her voice trails off as she raises her arms to look at the tattoos.

They start at her wrists as two black rings and from there up to her elbows there are black streaks resembling tendrils of... something from myths... or some stories meant for private consumption, or tongues of flame, covering most of her forearms. Interesting that it seems to perfectly match her affinities of Black Flame and Darkness.

"...It just... appealed to me at the time? I went to the studio and saw this pattern and I just really wanted to get something like that." Xethu finishes, shrugging with thoughtful expression.

"Okay, I can somewhat relate to that." I nod. I mean the emotions, especially anger, that I felt from time to time before and much more often since recent changes in myself. Seemingly appearing from nowhere without a reason, but once you realize that one something it all clicks in place and you know why you reacted like that.

We sit in silence for a while till Xethu's stomach grumbles and she shrinks in embarrassment, covering her reddening face. "The rumbling started, huh?" I mutter with a grin and stand up. "Come down, I'll get us something to eat. I'm a bit hungry myself." I wave at her to stand up and we walk down to the kitchen.

I take out two rolls from the cupboard and quickly make two sandwiches while Xethu sits a bit awkwardly by the table. I sit down in front of her and give a plate with a sandwich while starting to eat my own.

"Why didn't you come to school, by the way? I overheard from, uh, from Derrie by accident that you're not coming, and that's why I came here." Xethu asks, getting a bit more comfortable as she has something to do.

"Well." I gulp down the bite I have in mouth. "Dysphoria. You have no idea how thankful I am that you don't treat me like a man, because it makes me sick when someone talks to me about being manly and all that shit. Mother... uh, you know."

"Oh." She replies, her mouth still full as if she forgot she has a sandwich there. A moment later she gulps it down and almost chokes herself, her eyes bulging out, but she manages to collect her bearings. "Oops, sorry. I know what you mean." She nods. "I wanted to ask, how much do you play? I don't think you told me?"

"Weekends, to put short. My parents don't allow me to play more, not like it would be a good idea to play for, like, up to six hours after school and need to log out, because you'd get crazy from switching so often."

"Yeah, I'm the same." She stays silent for a while, munching on her sandwich. "Um, can we meet up in some time? In game, I mean. Not this week or anything, but I could go to the other side and find you in a few weeks." She asks kinda nervously.

"Not like I mind." I shrug. "I'm right now near Black Harbor with Levia, and my bunch has rebirthed there. How much time would it take you to fly there?"

"Uh, fly?" Xethu asks and I look at her with eyebrows raised so high in surprise they might as well be touching my hairline.

"You just told me you have wings, so I'd assume they are for flying, Black Crow." I say with fair amount of both sarcasm and confusion, and I see her averting her eyes and getting red on her face at record pace.

"I... didn't really try..." She squeezes out from her lips, shut as she scrunches her face in embarrassment.

"Well." I rub my face in exasperation and look back at her with a smirk. "Try it, and I can guarantee you won't be disappointed. Personally I've already been below the island and saw the reason why it is called Beholder's Eye."

"Huh? Why?" She instantly perks up, but I wave my hand with a snort.

"Learn to fly and you'll know." I say and she stays silent with a pouting face.

"By the way." I ask a moment later. "Judging by our current conversation and your attitude, I assume there is something more behind the reason you dumped me back then?" I see her grimacing at the question and I quickly wave my arms. "I don't mean it like I'm reproaching you or something, I'd just like to know. If you don't want to say, then forget I asked."

Xethu sighs deeply, rubbing her eyes. "Well... there was, kind of..." She says slowly as if in resignation. "My parents somehow got to know that you don't really support the Church. Don't ask me how, because even I only had suspicions back then and confirmed it this month. I was... a coward back then." She drops her face into her hands with guilty and pained expression, shocking me.

"Maybe you were, but everyone is at some point." I say in gentle tone, trying to get her mood to standards. "What matters is that you see that. Don't beat yourself up over your past and learn from it."

"Yeah..." Xethu says somewhat unconvinced, but then nods vigorously and raises her head with determined expression. "They told me to stop dating you because of your supposed negative influence on me, and... I'm not sure if I said it properly at the time, but I meant that you would need to change for my parents to accept you. I was..." She scratches her hair with pained expression, making an even larger mess out of her already messed up braid. "I couldn't go against them back then and I thought that dumping you would solve my problem, and I tried to give you a hint for the real reason." She finishes in croaked voice.

"I... see." I nod my head slowly, mulling over what she said. Her reason and supposed hint... I don't really remember it. I remember she said I would need to change and I could tell she wasn't angry at me, but sad and guilty if anything, though I can't recall any more details.

The way I see it, she was torn between doing what she wanted and what her parents wanted, and falsely, obliviously thought that getting rid of the cause of the conflict would solve the problem. It only left the wound open. I'm honestly a bit angry at her, but I very well see where she is coming from, because I've had similar problems cropping up with my parents more than once, and choosen my own safety instead of needs and comfort. And I'm now suffering because of that, merely not because of repercussions from my parents. Comparing to her, I'm much larger of a coward.

"Hey, what happened?" I suddenly hear an alarmed, concerned voice. "I'm sorry... I didn't mean..."

I raise my head in surprise and relax the muscles on my face, only now noticing that they were tense in what must have been an intense, pained expression. With astonishment at my own reaction I notice traces of tears in my eyes and get a feeling of déjà vu.

"It's nothing, don't worry about it." I say reassuringly, wiping my eyes and schooling my expression back to more neutral one, and turn to the side with bitter face. "Comparing to me, you're not a coward at all, because you stood by your own."

"Oh. Uh..." Xethu looks at me with shocked face. "Oh... Sorry."

"Don't bother with it." I wave her off. "And thanks for telling me. I thought there was something else behind it, but I had no idea what. On that note, what was with that engagement my father told me about?" I ask and and I'm about to continue, but stop when I see Xethu making a shocked face and dropping the rest of her sandwich from her frozen hands.

"...What?" She asks incredulously after good three seconds of silence and her eyes open wide as she realizes something. She slams her head into her hands on the table with a scowl on her face. "Was this seriously about it...?" She groans.

"What?" I ask, the questions in my head only increasing in number.

She raises her head and supports her chin while making an expression of annoyance and boundless exasperation. "Two days ago my father dragged me out of VOW and asked me a shitload of questions about you all of a sudden, and for some reason he seemed absolutely pissed off when I answered them as truthfully as I could without giving my own opinion." She says. "I didn't even know a single damned thing about any engagement so it confused me, but now that I..." Her eyes suddenly open wide as saucers as she stands up abruptly. "You're telling me they engaged us!?" She shouts, shocked and alarmed.

"No, no, calm down." I laugh a bit seeing her exaggerated reaction. "My father told me a few days back that your father suggested engaging us, but two days ago he received a message that our meeting is cancelled. Don't ask me why or what, I don't know much about it." I explain calmly.

I see Xethu's expression morphing through astonishment, anger, rage and finally she takes a deep breath and slumps down in her chair with expression of shock, resignation and exasperation, though anger still remaining in her eyes. Well, she's going through some things since we started talking, huh. She slowly puts her hands to her forehead and stays silent for a long while with open mouth. "What. The. Fuck." She finally says in strained voice to no one in paricular.

"My thoughts exactly." I say, leaning back in my chair. "I'm guessing that after my father got to know you're my ex, I have no idea how he wasn't aware before I told him a few days back, he talked with your father and he in turn started having doubts about me and asked you all these questions." I say thoughtfully. "Though that doesn't explain why you were left completely in the dark."

"Fuck." Xethu replies meaningfully. "Let's just... leave that topic, alright?" She groans and looks at me seriously, albeit nervously. "To be clear... I have no intention of continuing our relationship the way it was, I just don't think it would work. Judging from what you said earlier, you also don't want it, so let's... let's stay as friends from now on, okay?"

"...Yeah." I nod. "Let's do that, it will be easier and less trouble for everyone."

"Huh? What do you mean?" She asks cluelessly and I look at her, raising one very, exceedingly sarcastic eyebrow.

"You know I've been with a girl in VOW? I've kissed her more than a few times, I've cuddled with her and done a lot of things together." I see Xethu's face lighting up in realization and reddening as it dawns on her what I'm talking about. "And, to put bluntly, getting into any relationship with you now would mean only unnecessary and awkward conflict. I don't see myself explaining to her that I'm engaged to you a week after telling her I love her and learning she does too." I smirk as Xethu leans back in shock and stares at me for good three seconds with eyes wide open before catching herself with gaping mouth.

She closes it quickly and gulps down. "You... got me by surprise there. Are congratulations in order?" She says, averting her eyes, and shrinks suddenly. "Now I'm jealous." I hear her grumble with pouting face and almost burst out laughing as she looks like a child who didn't get a candy.

"Don't be." I say. "Or actually, you can, it's healthy if it's just a bit. It's a good motivation. Just... Eh." I grimace as I remember a certain event from yesterday.

"What?" Xethu asks.

I grimace at that question. "Just an... unpleasant memory. When I first spawned, it was in a village in the middle of a monster attack. After it was cleared there was this girl who told me where I was, because my spawn area was very large for some reason. A week later I met her in Riverside and she wanted to play with me, and at this point she was already visibly having something for me. I tried to hint her that I already have someone, but she evidently didn't get it, and yesterday morning I'm in the Guild with Levia and we're looking at requests while being a bit flirty and suddenly she comes up on us and accuses me of leading her on, with Levia still holding my hand I have to add. When it doesn't work she starts to persuade Levia that I'm a bitch and I'll find another girl and forget her in a few days. Levia killed her, but it's just..." I rub my forehead in irritation and exasperation at the same time. Only recalling this scene makes my mood sour.

"What the fuck." Xethu says blankly. "It was in that video, right?" I nod in response. "I'm now wondering if she was an idiot or if it was something you did."

I look at her with jaded expression. "Even if she could ignore my hints that I have someone else, I don't remember doing a single thing that would make it seem that I like her, unless it was my everyday behavior that she interpreted this way. I'm rather wondering between an idiot and delusional."

She nods in response and we sit in silence for a while till there is a sudden sound of door unlocking and I hear it opening quickly and closing behind someone entering. I look in surprise in the direction of the door since mother and father were supposed to be working for at least a couple hours still.

"Zenon! Come here right this instant!" I hear a furious shout of my mother from the door.

"What the fuck?" I groan reflexively, almost jumping in my seat in surprise, and make a disgusted expression at the name she calls me with. It is overshadowed by alarm though as I hear my mother's steps rapidly and heavily closing in on the kitchen.

I wave my hand at Xethu, who is just getting up, telling her to sit down and I stand up myself, turning to the door with as neutral face as I can manage. Not even a second later my mother comes in and her eyes fall on me. She makes a furious expression on her red from anger face and takes a deep breath.

"You are not my son! What... trans!? What demon!? What another name!? You are either getting out of this house and not ashaming us or correcting yourself immediately!"

I pull my face and look at her completely expresionless.

Oh. Hahaha. Oookay... I have three things to say.

First, you're perfectly right, I'm not your son. Daughter, if anything, but you seem not to want a daughter and I'm fine with that as well.

Second, I have absolutely no idea when have I ashamed you, if anything you are right now making a laughingstock out of yourself by kicking out your child from your house with a witness.

Third...

I feel anger building up inside me merely at the thought. "You lied to me." I say in dangerously calm tone, cleching my fist as the damned woman is taking a deep breath after shouting her lungs out. "You said there is no fucking camera in my room. You said you will give me freedom to do whatever as long as I attend school. And what?" I growl. "One damned conversation on completely unrelated subject and you can't keep your delusions to yourself? And you break your promises? And what will you do? Force me to change?"

I see her fuming in anger and moving her mouth with no words coming out before she clenches her teeth and steps towards me, pulling her arm behind her.

You-! You dare!?

I tilt my head sideways and her fist passes my head harmlessly, and with furious expression I whip my arm into her cheek with a resounding slap. Her heads jerks to the side and her posture, already absolutely awful, crumbles. She pathetically trips on her foot and starts falling to side windmilling her arms before a shape of a person appears behind her and hits the side of her head, making her fall to the ground like a sack of potatoes without consciousness.

I look at the assailant with alarm since I have no idea how anyone could get inside and freeze in shock at what I see.

A machine. Slim, covered in black, tight bodysuit, distinctly female and with humanly face, but with eyes looking like lenses and metalic outstretched arm undeniably not that of a human.

And face... that face. Sharp yet delicate, frail, with sharp nose, just like...

"Levia?" I whisper barely audibly as a scary possibility dawns on me.

"Hello, Helia." A voice greets me. Girly, vibrant, sounding as if it had many frequencies at once. Her angry expression morphs into a bright, reassuring smile and I... I stop thinking.

I... I don't know.