Chapter 31 – A demon alike

In the end I haven't gone to school today, that is Monday, for more reasons than dysphoria. My mother got me a leave from school for this week, though I'm not sure why she even asked for it. I suppose it has to do with my apparent apathy and depression, or at least that's how she sees my state.

I would be in VOW right now if not for the fact she said that I'm forbidden to. Though considering that Levia is out I don't really mind. I mean, I do mind, but not enough to risk pissing her off, bacause she can be really crazy in such cases, and I wouldn't be surprised if she turned off my pod to prevent its negative influence or something. I'd rather play it safe and just sit out my time here doing things I wouldn't normally, like looking at news and forums.

And going back to why I am out, well, I have no idea what I would be doing in VOW. Killing monsters? I admit I'm a bit of a battle maniac, but more in the way that I don't want to miss a good fight, not in the way that I'm actively seeking them.

I could write to Levia and chat with her, but I've been checking like every ten minutes and she's still offline. Last seen fouteen hours ago, when she wrote she will be unavailable for a long while, but will definitely be able to talk in the afternoon.

So I am sitting grumpily in the kitchen, grumpily because I'm missing Levia, and I'm halfway through my lunch when I hear a ting indincating that someone's before the front door. I glance in the direction of the door with confusion since I haven't invited anyone and my parents didn't tell me anything about potential visitors, and check the camera on the House AI to see who is standing before the door.

Fuck, why is she here!?

I almost choke on my lunch in surprise when I see the person outside is... Katarin. My ex. I didn't love her, at least I don't think so since the border is very slippery here, but she was still someone akin to a close friend. She was supposed to meet me yesterday to talk about our engagement but her father cancelled it a day earlier for some reason despite the fact he was the one to suggest it. She isn't really a bad person, but last time I checked she was more on the Church and traditionalist sides. She dumped me two months ago without any strong reason and we've never talked to each other since, if only because we had online classes and we had no chance to meet.

I would probably be angry seeing her now, but I'm too shocked to bother with that, and most of the reason for my surprise is her expression and clothing. She is wearing a black tank top, short, tight skirt in the same color and heavy boots that look like they could survive a hudraulic press. Definitely not clothes of a model student... why isn't she in school, for that matter? If that wasn't enough, I notice a pair black tattoos looking like dark wisps and tendrils on her forearms. The only reason I recognize her at all is her hair that is still the same flowing crimson as before, now tied in a messy braid.

And, fuck, she looks attractive as hell. I'm not considering doing anything, but if Catherine saw her right now she would be, at the very least, interested in her. Tall and slim figure, smooth, pale skin, model face and alluring curves only emphasized by her tight clothes. I would say she has badass vibe around her, if not for her expression ruining it.

Her expression, to put simply, is very anxious and concerned, and not in the way of a girl worrying for her fiance. Hell no, she looks more like a lost, hurt girl who has her last chance in front of her and desperately hopes not to lose there as well.

I quickly get up from my chair and walk to the door, both alarmed and suspicious. I open the door and raise my eyebrows at Katarin. "Hello?" I half ask, half greet her.

"Oh! Hello!" Her face lights up as she sees me. "Can I... come in? Please? I'd like to talk with you about... things." She says nervously.

I wiggle my eyebrows at her attitude completely not matching what I remembered from her. She was usually confident and not arrogant like some people up there, but still rather prideful. You hardly ever saw her asking for things, much less in such manner. Not to mention she used 'please' on top of that. "Well, alright, come in." I nod and back off a bit.

She walks through the door a bit awkwardly and I close it behind her, then walk beside her to the living room. "Take off your boots and seat yourself. I'll be back in a moment." I gesture to the stand on the side, and she starts taking her boots off, finally having something to do instead of standing in place awkwardly. I walk to the kitchen and put away anything connected to my lunch quickly so she won't think she interrupted my meal.

Don't want to make her even more uncomfortable than she already is, now do I? As much as I don't particularly like her, seeing her like that I know better than to be a bitch to her. Or a dick out in real life? Blergh. A bitch even here. Em, well, I don't want to be just that.

When I walk back I notice Katarin just walking into the living room, so I gesture to the couch and seat myself on another opposite to the table. "To be honest," I begin. "If I saw you any other time, I might have told you to fuck off, but with how you look right now," I pointedly look down on her chest and hips, making her flinch with nervous expression. "I'd really like to hear what you want to talk about."

I see her taking a deep breath to collect herself and she starts speaking. "What is your opinion on... um." She gets a bit red on her face, then says more quietly. "Same sex relationships? And transgender people?"

Uh, huh. That's a good question off the bat.

I stand up, startling her. "Come upstairs, it would be better to talk about it there." I walk off to the stairs and she quickly stands up and follows me.

"May I know why?" She asks with a frown.

I stay silent till we are in my room and I close the door behind her. "Sorry for the bit of a mess here, but I didn't expect any guests." I say and turn to her. "As for why, I'd rather not express my opinion in the living room where my parents can play it back."

She makes a shocked face for a moment, then composes herself and nods with uncomfortable expression.

"Sit down." I wave my arm at a jelly seat and plop down on another one, almost laying flat on it, making Katarin look at me with a surprise she quickly conceals. "Do you want my honest opinion?" I ask, looking at her sitting in a seat same as mine slowly and awkwardly as if it was her first time sitting in something like that, and I giggle when I see her surprised face when she sinks deep into it.

That in turn makes her face go red in embarrassment and she shifts uncomfortably before registering my question and jerking her head upright. "Um, yeah. If you don't mind telling me." She says.

"I'm trans. And I consider myself a lesbian." I say with a smirk as I see her blinking repeatedly for a moment as she struggles to process that simple sentence.

"You-, you're trans?" She finally asks in disbelief.

"Yep." I nod. "I am, my best friend is trans, so it should be enough for an answer as to what I think about transgender people. And, judging by your clothes, we are two lesbians here." I say with provocatively raised eyebrows.

She goes silent for good ten seconds as her face morphs though confusion, realization, shock, relief and probably some more I didn't catch. Finally she shrinks in her seat and says in small voice. "Y-yes."

I nod in understanding, and in approval. To be honest, the very fact she wasn't disgusted or reproaching at all when I said that solidified my opinion of her to the level of a person I will probably start to like in the future, as long as we go the way I think we will from here. Not in the way I like Levia or Catherine, but I can see very well that she had some adventures in the two months I haven't seen her that changed her completely. She was my good friend before and I wouldn't mind going back to that.

Katarin looks up at me as if she remembered something. "Um, um, what name should I call you with? And... pronouns?" She says the last part somewhat unsure if she should.

"Helia. She." I reply simply.

"Alright... Helia." She nods with a serious expression and I smile lightly, thanking her in my mind.

"Well, alright, that's something to start off." I say. "But I assume that's not all you wanted to talk about?"

"No. Are you playing VOW?" She asks uncertainly.

"Yep, I am." I nod, hiding the reaction a reminder of what I don't have here afftects me. "Why do you ask?"

"Um, I had some problems and I thought you would be the best person to come to to ask about them." She says nervously as she brings out the main topic. "So, first of all, I know you don't really agree with what the Church says, so... I rolled random." She says a bit messily and much more nervously and takes a deep breath.

Well, that's something. She was never a devout believer, but she generally agreed with what the Church was saying. And the random roll... I'm going to guess she got something not along the tastes of the Church.

"I got a demon." She says and I chuckle in amusement. She looks at me with question in her eyes and a bit of anger.

"I could almost say as expected here." I smirk. "I'm not trying to say you're like a demon, but that's the thing life would surely slap you in the face with, if you get what I mean."

She makes an uncertain face for a moment and nods with bitter face. "Yeah, I get it. I was a kind of a bitch before."

I blink in confusion. Uh, what?

"Hey, that's not what I meant!" I sit up straight in alarm. What the hell, girl? I get it's good to be self conscious, but there are some limits past which you shouldn't go. "I know you had your own circumstances, so don't belittle yourself." I say, looking at her disapprovingly and smirk. "Though being a bitch might just be along someone's tastes. With your clothes now it would be kind of hot, you know?"

"O-oh, um." Katarin nods hesitantly and gets deep red on her face. She takes a deep breath and stays silent for a while, collecting her thoughts. "Anyway, I was initially apprehensive to play as a demon, but I thought that there's no hurt in trying, and it had really good stats. So, I picked it, and I met with my group of... They... I... " Her face scrunches up and her voice, up to now nervous and bitter, becomes feeble and pitiful, and I raise my head in alarm as tears start to form in her eyes.

I jump up quickly and walk up to her, not minding the surprised reaction from her, and wrap my arms around her, plopping down on the jelly seat next to her, mindful not to press myself to her, just wrap my arms around her.

"It's alright, Katarin." I soothe.

I hear her sob lightly and she wraps her arms around me, then like dam bursting she starts crying her eyes out loudly and shifts her position suddenly, pressing her head to my chest. Shit, what the hell did she go through to react this way? For this confident and proud girl to start crying like... like this.

I lightly pat her on her back and wait a few minutes till she calms down, and once I notice she stopped crying I gently pull her away from me, ignoring the wet sensation on my chest.

"They... they told me to..." She squeezes out in pained voice, her eyes shut. "That they won't associate with a demon. I thought... I thought they meant just... just the game... But, when I came to school today... they." She sniffs and coughs and slumps down. "They kicked me out, because they wouldn't associate with a demon." She finishes in heartbroken tone and starts sobbing quietly, digging her fingers painfully into my back, the fact she doesn't seem to notice at all. "I came back home, and I thought... that you're the only person that would understand me from who I know. I always knew you... don't really like your parents, and all this they've been telling us, and to be honest I wanted to understand you, but..." She doesn't finish and looks at me with somewhat pleading eyes.

"You know, Katarin, I'm a Demon." I say and she opens her eyes wide in surprise. I see shock, relief and kind of... kinship in her eyes, and she wordlessly begs me to continue. "I also rolled a random character, and I got a Demon. And I love it, you know? Tell me, Katarin, what do you feel when you play? Does it feel good, comfortable?" I ask.

She looks at me with confusion and then nods. "It feels... amazing." She mumbles quietly.

"As I thought." I smile. "And when you logged out, did you miss something? Horns, wings, tail, whatever?" I ask and she raises her head once again in alarm and astonishment.

"Ho... How...?" She asks, leaving the rest unsaid.

"I felt the same. When I logged out, I was disgusted." I say, making her flinch and look at me with shock. "In game, I'm a girl, but there's more to that. It's not just breasts, hips, ass, skin, but also horns, wings, tail, feet, when I logged out, it all just felt wrong not to have all that." I continue and she turns her head away, shaking, with shock and disbelief on her face. "It means that the way you're in game suits you more, that that is who you should be. Understand?"

"B-but that's... impo-."

"It's not impossible, it's the truth." I growl, anger suddenly boiling inside me, and Katarin flinches and looks at me with fear. "I'm Helia, not Zen, and I embrace it." I say in low, a fair bit angry voice. "I am a Demoness, and I'm not denying it, because I felt, saw and did too much to doubt it." I lean over to her, pinch her chin and lift her head and look her straight into her eyes. "Tell me your name."

"K-k-kata-." She says, almost terrified for some reason, but I interrupt her.

"Wrong." I growl, making her jolt. It's wrong, it feels wrong. It's not who she is, and I know it.

"...Xethu." She says and shivers. I smile, feeling it's exactly who she is, and she slumps down, shaking. She reaches out her hand to her eyes and wipes tears out of them. "W-why am I crying?" She asks, confused, in shaky voice.

"Do you understand now?" I say gently. "You feel relief, happiness, Xethu, because that's who you are." I smile and she shivers once again, and a wide, uncontrollable smile blooms on her face. I reach out my hand and place it on her head under a sudden impulse, rubbing it lightly. "Little demon let out of its shell." I mutter barely audibly, and I turn aside, surprised by my own feelings and actions.

What... did I just say? And why do I feel like... Like I should protect her? It's... Strange? I don't even know how to describe it.

"Thank you." Xethu says quietly and I pull back from her with a smile. "Did you... how did it feel like for you?"

I stand up and walk back to my seat in thought. "Similar, I believe. I realized things in the game though, but the dysphoria I had when I logged out was... awful to say the least." I grimace a bit, plopping back on the jelly.

I hear Xethu sighing in a mix of relief, happiness and worry. "Okay... so that's one thing I wanted to talk about. Um, may I know your... how do you look in VOW? For... reference?"

I turn to her with mirth in my eyes. "Maybe you'll go first~. I'm the elder here." I say with a little grin, cocking my head to the side and looking at her with raised eyebrows. Her eyes almost pop out of her sockets at the same time as she shrinks and covers her reddening face.

Uh, what?

"Fuck." She shakes her head. "I could totally imagine a hot demoness doing that." She groans and I burst out laughing after initial surprise, numb to how rough it sounds, but still unpleasantly reminded.

"What?" She asks with a displeased frown.

"Sorry~." I say apologetically. "I thought how close you are to the truth and couldn't help but laugh."

"Oh." She says blandly, her eyes looking far away and she suddenly blushes. Duh, is it just me or she's getting stranger with each moment?

She shakes her head and looks back at me. "Soo, I didn't modify what I got at all and just went with what it gave me. My race is called Black Crow, and it's one of Mazoku." Whoa, hold up right here. Not Primordial? But we are both demons? No, that's wrong? What's wrong? I am a Demon, and she is a... demon? It's different. Why is it different? What? Ueeh. I refocus back on the conversation, pushing the issue to the back of my mind for now. "So, um, I have black feathery wings, a... crown of small horns on my head, claws, and I'm tall. And, uh, kinda beautiful and gorgeous." She says, getting embarrassed as she gets to the last part.

I look at her for a long while, thinking intensely. "What type of energy do you have? I assume it's not mana?" I ask finally with a frown.

"Uh, it's called demonic mana. And I have Black Flame and Darkness affinities." She says and I stay silent for a long while. "What is it? You've gone quiet." Xethu asks.

"I think... I got to know a few important things thanks to you." I say slowly. I suspected from the beginning that there is something important behind the fact we're called Primordial, but this might be something much grander than I thought. "I'd assume you don't know about Primordials?"

"No. What are they?" She asks with a frown.

"I'm a Primordial. They are often called Demons nowadays, in the lore I mean." I say simply. "I'm a Star Demoness to be exact. As for my looks, rather short, hot, wide hips, two large black horns, huge wings and succubus tail, plus clawed feet. Stellar Flame and Energy affinities." I finish with a grin, looking at her.

She meanwhile blinks a few times with shocked expression. "It's you!" She shouts with borderline admiration in her voice. "It was you in Black Harbor, right!?"

I raise my eyebrows at that. News sure travel fast, huh? "Maybe?" I ask with a smirk. "What? Am I famous?"

"Holy fuck, yes! You don't know!? You killed a player in the Guild and walked out as if nothing happened!" Xethu shouts. Uh, I'm pretty sure it was Levia who killed Maala back then? Well, no matter. "Half of FTLN is wondering who you are! But no one even knows if you are a player or game character!" She continues and I snort in amusement. I might as well be both. What difference does it make?