Chapter 24: Best Little Whorehouse In Yangxu
---D-Day+171, Goridine 14th, Friday Evening---
---Chenghai---
"Courting death!"
Yes, it was a flag.
"This Ding will thrash you until you call me father!"
Just not my flag.
In the middle of a busy medieval city street. The swole hero with an incest fetish is posing haughtily in a sleevsless brownish farmers tunic. Trading trash talk with some young masterbator in fancy embroidered red robes.
I didn't bother paying attention to what the shaoye’s name is.
Mister stepping stone followed Ding Dong out after the dense protag stormed into "Plum Blossom Hall." Grabbed a girl. Beat up whoever got in his way. And dragged the stunned humiliated girl to the front carriage of the convoy.
Shao lord in red looks a bit disheveled and sweaty. Like the kidnapped girl. Bet moron mountain interrupted their "happy time." Said victim of coitus interruptus is now loudly proclaiming how amazing he is and how shit Ding Dong is.
Granted, I agree with whatever the fuck his name is whole heartedly. Hero boy really is a big turd. Not even a floater. Just a crap mountain plugging the bottom of the toilet bowl. If anybody needs to be flushed? It's that guy.
Both daoists are dissing each other. Your mother this. Ancestor that. Grandpa so and so. It's amazing how many yanese insults involve ancestry. Eight generations what? While simultaneously doing martial arts poses and showing off their weaponry.
No, not the ones in their pants. The ones in their hands. No, still not those. The other other ones.
Sigh.
Village boy is spinning his bronze spear again. Red robe guy swings a fancy saber around.
Yeah, it looks super dumb but also funny as hell. So me and my ladies are leaning out the wagons, enjoying the shows.
“Yu Zhi? What are you doing here?” Asks some baby faced way to innocent looking kid also in red robes that looks related, in a family way, to the young masterbator.
“W-wu Chen? Wh-what are you doing here?” Replies a suddenly very nervous girl that is still sore, down there, from our humpathon yesterday.
Yep, shows as in plural. Channel one has the "mighty moron versus young wanker" match. While channel two is playing "betrayed xianxian lover: broken promises" by the rear coach.
“F-father sent me to b-bring elder brother home.” The poor kid's brain has clearly not caught up yet. But that’s an achy breaky heart if I ever saw one. “Why… are you refusing to meet me? And w-why are you in a Lian clan carriage?”
Screw inventing electricity, the internal combustion engine or internet porn. This world needs popcorn, stat! And why does this scene seem familiar?
Okay, let me explain. No, there is too much. Let me sum up.
Auction was dumb and boring. That wuxia gangster who first bid on debt girl? Tried to kidnap her before Ding paid but got shut down, hard, by the guards I sent to secure the slave. Because I expected thug guy to act like, well, a thug.
There are very few scum and villainy types who stand a chance against a sixth realm cultivator. Yep, that Yu Wen expert is by a realm or two the strongest of the xianxia dudes guarding slash chaperoning us. Here to protect their clan’s young ladies “honor.”
*stare*
One smackdown later, and the viking sisters are reunited. Tears galore.
So after my harem had fun bidding on, like, every fucking thing. No, I didnt let them bid on slaves. We split and got the completely anticlimactic Gaibang and Biaoju experience.
Seriously, it was “what you want?” “I want this.” "You got money?" "Yes." “Okay.” … "Really?" "Really."
That was it. The only difference was one was wearing rags in a back alley. The other was dressed up in silk in an office. No have to do such and such quest before we’ll even consider it. No adventurers trying to bully the new guy. Not even a lets rob him totally not random, random encounter.
Come on, at least pretend to be shocked. I'm hunting a god for god's sake! Makes you wonder what their average day is like if going after supreme beings doesn't even raise an eyebrow.
So after a deposit, some window shopping and a hummer from a japanese dark elf, bless you Hitomi. I was feeling pretty chill. Meaning the white silk milf, Elder Qiao, had little trouble convincing me to send my huge entourage on a “short” sidequest.
Into the red light district of Chenghai.
Sigh.
Sun’s going down. The ladies of the evening’s skirts are going up. And eight carriages plus a multi-clan cavalry escort park in front of a downtown four story balconied chinese lanterned whorehouse.
Earning confused looks from the mob. Since the wagons are full of women. Except for me and dense protag.
No, I am not a pimp. But I did stay at an Isekai Inn Express last night.
In the twilight this area is lighting up a lot more than other parts of town. Very much a party atmosphere going on. Even have some fireworks. Women on balconies beckon to passers by. While others work the streets. Trying to pull in customers.
Pedestrian traffic is almost all men traveling in groups. Many already drunk. The rare woman that isn't "working" is being escorted. Have to be. Not doing so would be like waving a "please rape me" sign.
A few horses, palanquins, and wagons push their way through the revelers here and there.
Kids and beggars work the masses. Aiming for every errant coin by hook or crook.
Fashion runs the oriental gamut from poor sailors and laborers to wealthy merchants and nobles. With the deeper richer colors naturally worn by the, well, richer.
Odor here is distinctly viceful. The scents of perfume, alcohol, food and sweat hang in the air. Incense is being burned, like, everywhere. Probably to cover up the filthier smells.
Turns out, Dong is not in town to convince me to start murder spree 3.0. Or is it 4.0? 5.3? And yes, I'm surprised too.
He's actually here to get a cousin's wife out of here. Or was it fiance? Niece? Anywho… Like many village kids during tough years, she came to the big city looking for work to help support her family. Which, considering this shitty world, naturally means becoming a prostitute.
Could have ended up a maid, seamstress, telemarketer, nope! She's a hooker.
Sir, I'm calling about your spirit beast’s extended warranty.
The girl must be pretty though because this brothel is awfully swanky. A wuxia ritz. Compared to the buildings around it. So, yeah, at least village girl didn't end up drugged up, beat up, and working a back alley.
"Wu Ch-chen, I have n-no face to show you." Zhi is cowering in the last carriage. Hiding her face with a fan. "Please, Chen'er, fo-forget about me."
The other soap opera on the telly, days of our daos, is showing comeback kid's betrayal scene at the rear of the convoy. Poor bastard just got disengaged. And finds his ex-fiance already riding another man's "wagon."
A dude who clearly has lots of "other women" too. Damn. You can practically watch the kid's heart falling to pieces. Live on channel two.
"N-no… Zhi'er, I love you." Shaking his head. "An-and this Wu knows you love me-"
*clipclop* *shove*
"Do not speak so casually to another clan's qingnu!"
Uh oh, black robed Yu Wen, that Qi Realization cultivator, has ridden in between the young lovebirds. Using his horse to knock the red kid back from the carriage. Who lands on his butt in the dirty dusty road. While the other young ladies in the back wagon stare at Wu Chen with pity or disdain.
By now they aren’t the only ones watching. The busy street has suddenly turned into a theater. Both ends of the block, packed with fantasy china citizens. And not just the pavement. Rubberneckers fill windows, balconies, and even line rooftops. Eager to see a showdown between daoists. Gotta be better than another fucking Gilmore Girls rerun. Right?
Some quick minded entrepreneurs are selling snacks to the peanut gallery. But, damn, no popcorn.
“So little qi.” I mumble as [Super Senses] exposes the crowd’s mana. Or lack thereof. Stormgarde really was a wizard’s oasis. The masses have so little magic fuel. While draconic magic does let you do more with less. You got to have enough to begin with. And most of them? Just don't.
*Bam!*
Eh?
Dammit, missing the show on channel one at the front of the convoy. Need an isekai dvr that also plays HHD DVVDD BVD’s.
Turn to see young wanker already knocked out, flat on his back. With mighty moron posing above him and looking way too pleased with himself. Village girl, in revealing green robes, who was dumped next to the front wagon, struggles to her feet. Then stomps towards muscle head, screaming, and looking like she has had enough of Ding's shit.
"Dong! Stop it!"
"Sister, do not worry. This Ding will send you home soon." Captain oblivious is oblivious. "Cousin is waiting to marry you."
After being dragged out by dense protag. The hooker is a bit disheveled. Robes messed up and missing a couple hair pins. Still, you can tell she's phat.
"Ha! Marry?!" Damn that bitch is pissed. "Go back to that backwater? So you can rape me whenever you feel like it again?!"
*gasps*
Boom!
Daaaamn. Drop that bomb, baby!
Hundreds instantly focus on Ding. And those ain’t friendly glares. Mighty moron realizes the audience has turned on him. No longer is it Village Hero V. Trust Fund Bully. Suddenly it's Working Girl V. Chester the Molester.
"S-si-sister, w-what are you saying?"
Ding Dong has a caught with his dick in the cookie jar look. And the prostitute won’t stop screaming at him.
"Tzutzu was going to be my first! I loved him!" She's gone nuclear. "But no, mom said you are our protector! We have to take care of your needs!" Stares at her hands. "You defiled me!"
Stutter boy stutters.
"N-no, my m-muscle just gets s-sore. All t-the aunties a-and sisters like r-rubbing this D-ding's muscle."
Ooh… Not the right thing to say, buddy. The stands fill with loathing and disgust.
Village girl scoffs.
"Did you think those were happy tears?!" Spreads arms. "I came to Chenghai to get away from that hell!” Points. “Away from you!!!"
Dense protag is shocked. Like he can’t process what he’s just been told. Must be rough. Everything going your way for your entire life and then, out of the blue.
Hans… Are we the baddies?
As I thoroughly enjoy watching Ding Dong’s world view collapse, Frankie’s soft sexy whisper floats into my ear.
“Master, the other boy is going to die.”
Wha?
Shit, really need a tivo. May a pip? Screen in screen?
Back on channel two, a young red robed idiot has a sword out and is pointing it at someone he really, really, shouldn't be pointing it at.
"Uncle Yu!" Achy breaky is yelly and shaky. From anger? Pain? Both? "How could you let this happen? You encouraged my confession. Helped me find that cultivation art…" Eyes turn cold. Mad laughter follows. "Haha! Of course! I was a fool!" Points at Yu Wen. "You deceived me. Betrayed me!"
The beardless Yu clan daoist, still in the saddle, is unbothered by the accusation. Sadly shakes his head.
"No, junior Wu. You and Zhi'er had been friends forever. It warmed my heart to see you together. Adding another link between our clans" A long sigh. "But it was you who insisted you were too weak. Begged me to help you find a way to get stronger, faster." Shakes head again. "Even that merchant warned you the art was heretical. Possibly dangerous." Rests his hand on his own sword’s hilt. “Sheathe your blade.”
Now this is a real David V. Goliath. I can see the kids got squat for qi. Wu Chen’s meridians are a mess. Lower dantian looks like a popped balloon. While Yu Wen is a peak expert. Lower and middle dantians full of qi. Meridians flowing like rivers.
Guess he’s chosen suicide by cop. But why does this seem so dang familiar?
“No, senior.” The boy gets calm. No anger. No pain. He looks at the carriage his lost love is cowering in. “Zhi’er! I will wait at the bridge for you!”
Oh fuck.
*whoosh* *clang* *ching*
The kid’s sudden charge has stopped. His mad slash at the mounted cultivator halted. Uncle Yu’s sweeping blade is also blocked. In fright his horse is whinnying and backing away.
From me.
Yes, with a surge of mana I leaped out of the wagon and dashed in. Parrying their swords with Sanctity and Tormentor. Sparks fly.
"W-who?"
Red boy is bewildered. He really expected to be dying right now.
"Junfei Badun."
The Yu clan expert bows to me from the saddle. Nonplussed. Of course he is. Guy's a freaking high ranking daoist. Probably saw me coming a mile away.
Why get involved you ask? Not my problem you say? You're right. It's not. Except I finally remembered why this looks so familiar.
*wayne’s world doodley do*
Years ago. Middle of the night. A kid screaming "hit me" at my neighbor. His daughter had been friends with this boy forever. Sweethearts even. Unfortunately, her tits and hips showed up so she moved on to a richer social circle.
Yeah, he got dumped. Supposedly, it was very public too. Yeah, didn't handle it well. So came over to plead his case after school. Then her new friends show up. Daughter flips out. And dad ends up shoving the girl's ex-sweetheart out the door. Telling him to never come back.
This turns into a faceoff in the middle of the street between the why is my daughter crying dad, and an angry hurt boy. Who doesn’t want to live on without his first crush. Would rather die. And he just might. My neighbor is not a small guy. While mister ex-sweetheart? Is a twig.
So before my neighbor loses it and actually punches the brat. I jump in, separate the two, and start talking the kid down. Why? Because I’m a father. Puberty was is rough for my boys. All the physical, emotional and social changes. Its a fucking mess.
Sometimes? Doesn’t matter how hard you want something or how hard you fight for it. Things just don’t work out. And sometimes? You really just need someone to give a shit.
Plus it's not like he didn’t get his revenge in the end. Sort of. Several years later that boy went to some out of state college riding a fat scholarship. But the girl? Well, she got a baby before she got a diploma. And while that baby had a daddy. Mommy didn’t have a hubby.
*shing* *grab*
“W-what?”
Using a bit of mana, my superswords glide back into the scabbards on their own while I take away the kid’s blade. Spin him around and we start walking away from ground zero.
Kid’s in shock. In a daze as I begin speaking.
“It’s not your fault.”
“Wha?”
“I said it is not your fault.”
“Wh-what is?”
Guide him a bit further to the side. We are slowly making our way to the front of the harem caravan. He’s barely holding up. Probably put everything into that suicidal strike.
“That you’re a spare.”
That shakes him up.
“A… a spare?”
I nod.
“Yep, a spare. Girls want to be taken care of. Want to be protected.” It ain’t miller time. It’s dad talk time. “So they’re always looking for someone to do that. Most don’t even realize they do it.” Paging Ward Cleaver. “It's instinct. Subconscious stuff.”
“In-stinct?”
Hmm… He’s not keeping up well. Walking and talking at the same time may be too much for him right now. Better slow down a bit.
“Yep. If a girl can. She’ll lead on several guys. Friendzoning all but one of them.” You know, if Jesus had listened to his pops. I bet he wouldn’t have ended up on that cross. “Unless she’s a skank of course.” You can practically feel the wisdom pouring out of me.
“Sk-skank?”
Clap him on the shoulder.
“Mmhm. You are not able to take care of her anymore. So you got moved to the bench. Sidelined. Got ‘spare’ stamped on your forehead.” Time to bring it on home. “Let me ask you. Do you think I love her?”
His forehead wrinkles.
“Who are you?”
…
Oh… Yeah… Oops. We haven’t met yet. Should’ve probably cleared that up first.
“Sorry, where are my manners, I’m Jon.” Shake his hand. After all, manners maketh man. “The guy fucking her now.”
That wakes him up.
“What?!”
He tries to jump back but I’ve got a firm grip on his arm.
“Hey hey now. Let's not lose the progress we’ve made so far.” Being helpful is hard. “Focus less on me fucking her and more on you not fucking her. Okay?”
Yeah, that’s a what the fuck are you talking about face. Darn. May need to recalibrate my wording. The yanese language is weird.
“Well, back to my point. I don’t love her.” Preach it brother. “And she doesn’t love me.” Shake his shoulders a little. “But right now? I can take care of her. I can protect her.” Finally, message is delivered. “And her clan wants me to knock her up.”
Achy breaky is super confused for some reason.
“I… Why… What are you saying?”
Good. There are no dumb questions, young padawan. Only stupid people.
“Well, I normally say that what matters most is money. Make enough of it and the bitches will chase you instead.” A sage for the age. “But this is xianxia land so I guess it's all about the, uh, dantians? Instead of the benjamins.”
And now its the are you stupid look? Sigh. Some kids are just harder to teach than others.
“But my lower dantian is ruptured. Meridians burnt.” Crap, the giving up expression is back. “How can I gather qi without the astral organ to store it in?”
Huh.
“Yeah, that’s a tough one.” Check to make sure no one is looking. Whew, only everyone is. “Well, fuck it.”
Turn him to face me.
"[Vision of Isis]"
Chant a spell that shows me what his insides should look like. With a little push an astral organ filter is applied.
"[Chiron's Fingers] [Aid of Ourai] [Needle of Wangmu] [Hand of Yaoshih]"
Use chant, chantless, and a sign with each hand to quad cast. The cranial ice pick that used to feel like my mind was being ripped in two is barely a tickle now.
Guess I pulled too much though because a little mana bomb goes off. Which knocks out the boy. But I catch him before his skull cracks open on the rock.
Next push my fingers into his chest. Like I did with Kitsu, start sewing his dantian back together. Though there’s a problem. The damage is a lot worse here. Wu Chen’s wasn’t punctured. This was a savage tear like Hulk Hogan pulling a shirt apart.
Some of his dantian is just… gone. Fuck, what about his root?
“[Eye of Yanguang]”
A strange mix of elemental languages rolls off my tongue. Casting a spell that sends my sight deeper into the astral. The spiritual background haze clears, revealing the boy’s qi source.
Thank god, his linggen isn’t damaged. Whoa, two roots, fire and… lightning? You lucky dog. Basic plus advanced of the same element won’t conflict. If I can fix your dantian you should have smooth sailing. But how? Maybe transplant and graft? Hmm… Yeah, let’s try that.
*flap* *flap*
In a burst of phantasmal wings and ghostly feathers. Ferra and Margo, my winged ex-oracle living shadows, manifest. Surrounding the boy and linking their senses with mine. Turning me into a sort of spectral cat scan.
“Nnnng!”
No, that ain’t pleasure. That’s pain. Despite being unconscious, the boy’s face is grimacing.
The kid is physically fine. So unlike with kitsu and other girls in the past. There’s no need to use [Recovery Magic] on the material body. This damage is all spiritual. And right now? I’m cutting off slices of aura. His astral skin.
With [Needle of Wangmu] and [Chiron's Fingers] I stitch his dantian back together. Using [Hand of Yaoshih] to guide and shape the lower astral organ into place.
A golden glow fills the air as my mana overflows. Rippling across the dirty street. Like a spiritual fire hydrant that’s blown its top. Patching up the boy’s qi reservoir takes a lot out of me. And I still need to fix his meridians.
“Demonic qi?”
I mutter in surprise as I start to restore his scorched mana pathways. Recognizing the smell from when I healed Kitsu. The black oily stuff is faint but burnt into the meridians and datian. And then it hits me.
That wasn’t a heretical cultivation art he found. It was a demonic one. No wonder the kid’s astral organs blew up. Must have been like dumping gasoline on a fire. Idiot got cooked.
“[Focused Purification]”
Chantless cast this time. Don’t want folks to start asking questions. In case anyone that might be listening can understand the incantation to begin with. Anything having to do with demons, besides killing them, is taboo around here.
Mana begins flowing through the repaired meridians as the toxic qi disintegrates under my spell. Restoring and strengthening them.
*lean* *catch*
“I am here, master.”
Burned up a lot of juice with no mana stones to use as spare gas tanks this time. So I’m feeling kinda woozy. Fortunately Frankie and Red came up beside me while I worked. And now keep me upright.
Ah… Red’s baby belly looks so cute. Really need to fix Frankie’s ovaries soon so she can get one too.
Ended up on my knees working on the kid. Wives help me stand back up.
Notice the mana overload has Mar and Fer looking like golden angels from heaven again. Instead of their usual angels of death sort of grim reaper style look.
Whoa, knees are a little wobbly. Okay, so what’d I miss while ER’ing the brat?
*look around*
Yeah, apparently I’m the only show worth watching right now. As everybody, and I do mean everybody, is staring at me. Then like a wave the kneeling starts. Hundreds bow down.
Except for mister protag, of course. Who is still standing but now gawks at me like I grew a second head.
“B-big brother?” Stop calling me that. “Are y-you a god?”
Sigh.
…
Goddammit.
Ferra (living shadow (female, human, tourinese))
Margo (living shadow (female, human, tourinese))
Wu, Chen (male, human, yanese)
Yamabe, Sayuri (female, beastkin(fox(huyao)), nandao)
Yu, Wen (male, human, yanese)
Yu, Zhi (female, human, yanese)