Chapter 23: Auction House Scrum
---D-Day+171, Goridine 14th, Friday Afternoon---
---Yuan Auction House, Chenghai---
*slap*
Palm. Meet face. Yes, my palm. And, yes, my face.
Sigh.
I’m sitting in a box seat in the middle of the third floor ring of a theater that looks like it's from a Shakespeare movie but with an oriental motif. Seated around me are my four wives and three concubines. Spread across three more box seats are the rest of my harem.
A fourth box seat on the end to my left is occupied by the halfwit hero, Ding Dong, and his harem. Except for Stina Molung. The tall viking chick insisted on following me and is currently standing at the edge of this mini grandstand. Staring intently at the “debt” slave being sold on the stage below us.
My harem and I are all dressed in our wuxia best. Creating a rainbow of silk robes. Getting in the xianxia mood, I’ve even grown my hair out. Though I have it up in a top knot to keep it out of the way. Per spousal s.o.p. Frankie holds Tormentor while Red carries Sanctity.
Cheri though, the Yamaha six string, is leaning up against my chair.
Dong’s intimidating swedish side piece agreed to connect me to the beggar’s gang. If I bought an item for her that’s being auctioned today. She refused to tell what the item was, so I brought plenty of cash. Expecting some cursed sword or other inanimate nonsense.
But, I was wrong.
This is the "save the slave" trope. Plus with viking girl and debt girl's similar facial features? Bet this is the "sister'' variant.
Great.
Besides the smacking sound of my facepalm, all background noise in this wuxia auction hall has ceased. Not even a whisper is heard as every pair of eyeballs in this fucking place has locked onto the tall woman standing next to me.
Even the naked shackled debt girl on stage is gawking at her, probably, sister’s absurd outburst.
Also on stage, the well dressed portly goateed fantasy china merchant looks confused as fuck. And, mentally, I'm right there with him. Ten spirit stones? Even low grade qi crystals are like a hundred gold coins. Right?
After overcoming his shock and shaking himself. Rattling the gold he’s festooned with. The xianxia merchant hesitantly asks.
"Wa-was that a real bid?"
Tall, strong, and experienced Stina, right now, looks anything but. Seems to have shrunk in her lamellar armor. Trembling, she pivots and gives me a "did I do that" look.
Yes you did, bitch. You did do that.
"No, that's not the real bid!" I yell back. "The real bid is five gold!"
Have to shout to be heard because this place is fairly large.
Chubby checker is visibly relieved. It's probably stressful enough dealing with cultivators. Without barbarian siblings panic bidding on each other.
But before he can say anything more.
"Five gold, and ten silver!" Bellows out from among the recovering customers standing on the dirt floor in front of the platform.
Gasps and "are you crazy" comments sound out from many in the audience. While my dreams of spending the day chillin like a villain go up in smoke.
"Curse your mother, Mao Chao." Still standing Stina mumbles as she scowls at her competitor below.
I lean forward in my chair to see better over the skybox’s railing and observe a downright shady looking fuck staring back up at me.
No, not at me, he's glaring at viking girl and smirking like he's already balls deep in her.
Lots of muscle. Scar down one cheek. Unkempt black hair. Swarthy skin. Teeth yellow with some missing. Brown hemp robes, not silk. Saber on his hip. And an attitude that practically screams, "thug."
Stina turns to me with begging eyes.
"Please, Junfei Badun, I will do anything to save her from that animal." There’s that blush again as she finishes intensely. "Anything."
Meh… Her looks aren't bad but I’m looking to drain lake pussy. Not make it flood even more. Still, she hasn't led me to the Gaibang yet. Ugh. Should have made her do that first.
"Fine." Focus back on oriental auction guy. "Ten gold!"
Despite more shock and exclamations, no one else has bid on debt girl. Probably because she is stupidly overpriced. Though I don't know what the SSRP is.
SSRP? Slaver's Suggested Retail Price. Maybe I should ask for the Slavefax?
[Super Senses] catches the merchant on stage and criminal in the crowd sharing a quick look. One that instantly gets me thinking this is all a setup.
Probably a diabolical plan to get to one of the dense protagonist's heroines.
Because of course there's no way the hero could take out the entire gang while thwarting their evil scheme. Saving the heroine, and her sister who then gratefully joins his harem's sexlympics team. Right?
Right…
*stare*
Sorry, Charlie. Need viking girl to reach the beggar’s gang. Which means I need debt girl too. So I'll use big bids to end this shitshow quickly.
If it's a problem that can be fixed with money? Then it's not a problem.
After the barest of nods from portly, gangbanger's smirk gets even smirkier and he cockily shouts.
"Eleven g-!"
"Pardon the intrusion, respected auctioneer! But this curious elder has a question!"
Not smooth criminal's bid is interrupted by a distinguished voice from a box up on the fourth floor. Portly goatee registers who the words came from before cupping hands and bowing.
"Eh? Ah! Esteemed Elder Yu Langu! What may this humble trader answer for you?"
"A minor question for an honorable and beyond reproach establishment such as the Yuan Auction House but, considering the oddity of this price." Curiosity. "Might we verify the bids? That is allowed, correct?"
Auction guy looks like he just swallowed a bug. So does mister thug. You can see the wheels turning in their vile little minds. Upsetting a foreigner by bidding money you don't have is one thing. Pissing off a great clan? That's a whole nother level of death courting.
Something, it turns out, the cannon fodder thug is unwilling to do.
"I withdraw my bid!"
Sparking another uproar. Guess this is unusual behavior for the first bid of the day. But, naturally, it's not over yet.
"Eleven gold!"
An arrogant voice comes from further back in the crowd. Making me have to lean over more to view its source.
I find a cluster of sect looking types wearing green and blue silk robes. From the uniform styles I've seen so far, these are probably disciples. Also none of them feel above the third realm.
Murmurs of "Haishepai," Sea Serpent School, are heard from several potential bidders.
Auction guy appears totally lost at this point. Meaning green dude is probably not part of whatever deal he made with mister thug.
"E-eleven gold, young master?"
The ass actually poses before replying.
"I am Inner Disciple Cao Xen of the mighty Cao clan and famous Sea Serpent School!" Points at debt girl. "Be honored, little one. You have gained this young master's interest. And I happen to need a new servant."
Things get loud again. Eleven gold for a scrawny dirty foreign kid? "Impossible." "Unimaginable." And other statements of disbelief from the crowd. Feathers have been ruffled.
But there are more suspicious darker words whispered back and forth too. "Human Cauldron." "Yin Plucker." Said with pity and disgust.
Guess these Sea Serpent guys are bad news. But I want to get this over with so…
"Fifteen gold!"
And the crowd goes wild! Even the box seats are looking at me like I've completely lost my mind. Including the snake sect dudes. Young master viper glares up at me.
"Someone in this backwater dares challenge a disciple of the Haishepai?" Squints upward. "Identify yourself to this shaoye!"
Ugh.
"I'm Johnny Don't-give-a-fuck of the New England Don't-give-a-fucks. And I don't give a fuck who you are or where you're from!" My turn to point. "That skinny swede over there is already reserved. So find some other cauldron to pluck!"
Wow, you can actually see the veins in his forehead popping out from three stories up.
"You, dare!" All the green robed dudes are pissed now. "You accuse the Sea Serpent School of being a demonic sect?!" Did I? "Your entire clan will suffer!" He's actually turning purple. "Courting dea-!"
"Junior daoist, what are the Haishepai doing in Chenghai?"
A too high pitched voice from a second floor box seat stops his ranting.
With a sinking feeling I lean over even father and look down. Seeing a handful of blue robed sect guys in the second floor box seat under mine. Including one too tall eunuch elf who's looking back at me with his trademark angular grin.
Goddammit, why is Lurch here?
While my reaction is to frown. Mister snakey has a very different response. His outrage vanishes like it was never there. Immediately and impressively, he and his cronies all do the fist cupping bowing thing in sync.
Maybe they're a wuxia boy band?
"Grandmaster Qinxin, it is an honor to meet one of Luyan’s greatest alchemists!" Brown nosing mode engaged! "This disciple apologizes for showing such unsightly behavior!" Glares my way and sneers. "We will finish our discussion after the auction."
His attempt to dismiss my existence face plants when the castrated fairy replies in alto.
"Oh? You have a grievance with my apprentice?"
Unlike others, the creepy alchemist doesn't raise his voice. Instead using qi to make his words reach every corner of the giant chamber. Xianxia snake's face goes pale.
"Y-yo-your ap-apprentice, grandmaster?"
I'm beginning to think he made me his apprentice just for the shock value. Are these yanese really that racist or do I just not look like an alchemist?
And with his newest victim suddenly on the ropes, Lurch goes for the knockout. Starts tapping his chin with a long finger.
"Allow this simple daoist to share a story." Damn that's a mister grinch smile. "An alchemist friend of mine had an unusual customer." Wags a finger. "A naughty boy who sheathed his saber in one too many dirty scabbards. Getting rust on the blade that would not come off."
Young master is getting more and more uncomfortable as eunuch elf continues.
"Poor thing's metal had even gone soft. Would not harden no matter how much it was beaten." Sad head shake. "This swordsman so feared his swordswoman discovering his rusty rapier, that he traveled to another country. Purchasing a cream to-"
A panicked squeak blurts out.
"I withdraw my bid!"
Hand on chest, castrated fairy acts surprised.
"Young master from another country. Whatever for? Are you sure?"
"Y-yes!" Shouts the now pale snake guy. "Ahem. Forgive me, esteemed elder, but I must return to my assigned task!"
Lurch looks sad. The overacting bastard.
"What a pity that I will not be able to finish sharing my tale." The grin returns. "Please, give my regards to your master. And your master’s daughter." Tilts his head. "A jade-like fairy that is your betrothed, is she not?"
A much more humble now young master in silk green and blue robes, cups fists again and bows.
"Ye-yes, grandmaster! Thank you!" Mumbles to his homies. "We are leaving, now."
The hall is quiet again as the sect posse retreats. No jeering. No teasing. Instead, everyone warily glances at eunuch elf's box seat. Wondering if they will be his next target.
Portly has given up on keeping up and fearfully eyes the North Jade Dragon Palace's seats as he speaks.
"Um… Since the other two bidders have, uh, withdrawn then…" Counts with his fingers. "The latest bid is, uh, ten gold?"
Another familiar voice shouts from the distance.
"Eleven gold!"
Oh for the love of god.
Stina looks to the left and confusedly asks.
"Dong?"
Yep, that bid came from Elder Qiao's ward, Ding Dong. Why? How the fuck would I know?
Auction guy doesn't get it either.
"Uh… Sir? Are you not with…" Slowly points my way.
Dense protagonist ignores the glare his Shimu is giving him and keeps flapping those gums.
"Uncle? Did you not hear me? I said eleven gold!"
Portly turns my way. Looking for help. Ignoring the halfwit hero's triumphant grin, I lean back and massage the bridge of my nose before answering.
"Don't care! Just sell her already!"
After all, it's my money the dumbshit is spending. So, technically, it's still me who's buying her.
The bewildered auctioneer doesn't even ask for more bids. Just waves over a servant from backstage who leads debt girl away.
"Um… Okay!" Musters himself. "The next debtor up for bid is…" Nonsense I tune out as Stina turns and kowtows.
"Badun Junfei. I… I apologize for brother Ding." No idea what to say. "He is… uh…"
Don't need to hear her excuses.
"Stupid? Yeah, I figured that out."
Viking girl gets back up and squirms.
"I should go meet sister." Ha! Called it! "Th-thank you, Junfei. I will honor our deal."
Shoo her away as she bows again and finally leaves. Lean back and let out a huge sigh. Japanese dark-elf fingers begin rubbing my shoulders. Feels good as Hitomi’s cute accent licks my ear.
"Now was that so bad, Jon-kun?"
*stare*
A giggle as Frankie speaks.
"Master, I spoke with the elder's disciple. They will be leaving tomorrow."
Praise Jesus! Hallelujah amen!
Manager milf Lili chimes in.
"My lord, it will be an eight-day or two before the rest of your forces arrive."
Reach back and give her hand a squeeze in thanks.
"Good. Then after today we'll just netflix and chill at casa del wuxia until the skellies and golems get here." Stretch my arms. "Nothing but sex and qi till then." Couple of girls blush. "What could go wrong?"
*ding*
…
Was that a flag?