R-6. The Great Muffin Caper

After Sveta sent me spinning, both physically and metaphorically, the others crowded around us. They began poking my new android body and asking all manner of intrusive and embarrassing questions. I was far too flustered to answer them cogently, and it was Vicky who came to my rescue when she produced, seemingly from nowhere, a large platter of steaming muffins and pouches of hot tea. Everyone was quickly distracted by the snack, as is the human impulse.

I silently thanked Vicky for the save. I suspected that, as a target of frequent humiliation herself at the hands of the doctor, she felt a kinship with me. Certainly her expression when she looked my way was sympathetic. As Sveta and I were the only ones incapable of eating or drinking, we floated off to the side while the pilots eagerly devoured the muffins.

Tektite-4 could not eat either, but it was an academic point as they were not physically present. There was no real reason for them to remain projected on a screen in Zehra’s lab, but they seemed quite curious about my new body if their quizzical stare was any indication.

“Mmmm! These are delicious!” Sabina exclaimed in between muffins. “Vicky, did you make these yourself?” Vicky nodded her assent.

“You might not guess it, but Vicky’s actually an A-rank cook.” Miette added, wiping crumbs from her lips. “She can practically work miracles, even with limited ingredients.” That comment caused Vicky to blush a bit.

“It’s like she was born to be a maid, gao~n!” Zehra exclaimed happily. “Ever since I’ve gained her as my assistant, I’ve had delicious cooking every night!”

“Mistress,” Vicky objected, “isn’t ‘born to be a maid’ going a bit too far? And please watch what you say, or you’ll make the pilots jealous.”

Indeed, the pilots did look jealous. It wasn’t hard to imagine why. Most food in the present day was undifferentiated protein slurry manufactured from plankton raised in massive cultivation vats. While the government provided this slurry (officially known as “nutritional plankton solute”) for free to all citizens who worked in factories or served in the Army, it was widely regarded as unpalatable at best. With the climatological collapse of Earth, most of the planet's surface was now unsuited for agriculture and only a few small collective farms near the equator still produced staple crops of the old world such as rice, grains, fruits or vegetables.

Of course, mass agriculture was still possible on the climate-controlled orbital space colonies. A large portion of the food grown there was given directly to the military and routed to the front lines, where it could be used to nourish the soldiers who most needed it. Even so, the most common meal provided was the plankton slurry, and every single member of humanity had developed a vehement hatred of the foodstuff.

That's why it was something of a mystery how Vicky managed to procure the ingredients for home cooking such as the muffins the pilots were now enjoying.

Maurice was the one to vocalize this question. “Hey Vicky, where’d you get the ingredients to make these anyway?”

“Ah, there’s a collective farm inside the main part of Eros.” Vicky explained. “I work a few shifts there every week in exchange for ingredients.”

Ah, that made sense. Collective farm workers were entitled to take for themselves a small portion of the farm’s products. The government did this to ensure the farm workers would taste the fruits of their own labor, literally speaking. It motivated many to work the farms as a side job; it was quite common for workers stationed on colonies to devote a portion of their free time to the farms for just such a reward.

“Damn, I’m kinda jealous.” Sabina said. “If I wasn’t on deployment, I’d volunteer there myself!”

“Ah, that would be difficult.” Vicky said quickly. “The waiting list is years long. Plus the amount of ingredients I’m allowed to take home is very small. Even those muffins you’re eating are about 60% plankton slurry, just spruced up with a bit of wheat, egg and other things.”

Everyone’s eyes grew wide at that declaration. The plankton slurry was infamously incompatible with almost every known method of cooking. That Vicky had been able to produce such apparently tasty muffins using it as the primary ingredient only proved her status as miracle chef.

“That’s incredible!” Maurice exclaimed. “I want to know your secret!”

“Me too!” Sabina said.

“You’re wasting your time, gao~n! Vicky keeps her cooking methods locked down tighter than a tourniquet!” Zehra said sadly. “She won’t even share them with her beloved master, the great Doctor Zehra, gao~n!”

Vicky twitched. “‘Beloved’ is a stretch, mistress. In fact, it’s the opposite of the word you’re looking for.” She clenched her hand in a fist.

“Don’t be like that, gao~n! You keep me fed, and I dress you in cute outfits! It’s a symbiotic relationship, gao~n!” Zehra wasn’t letting up.

“Symbiosis implies both parties are benefiting from the relationship. Don’t you mean ‘parasitic?’” Vicky said, gritting her teeth.

The pilots all watched the two spar verbally and laughed. I was thankful everyone had dropped the topic of my new body.

The universes’ ironic sense of karmic retribution chose that moment to punish me for having such a hopeful thought. While Vicky and Zehra pulled each other’s cheeks, Miette turned to me with a curious expression.

Oh no. Here it comes.

“So, Laria. What’s with the new body?” As Miette asked the question, the other pilots turned towards me. “Sveta wanting one I can understand, but why you?”

“Ah.” I struggled to reply. “You noticed.”

“What do you mean I NOTICED? How could I not NOTICE?” Miette asked incredulously.

As I struggled for a reply, Zehra spoke up. “AHAHAHAHA! Fine work, is it not, gao~n? You see, Laria also wanted to snu-“

Sveta blinked over to Zehra faster than the eye could follow and stuffed a muffin in her mouth. Her movement was so rapid I wondered if she had a gravity fin hidden in her android body. “MMMPPHHH!” Zehra shrieked in muffled protest.

“You see!” Sveta proclaimed while everyone stared at her in shock. “Laria’s looking to expand her horizons!”

Sveta? What are you doing? I was still frozen by indecision, and I hoped she was trying to cover for me.

“Expand her horizons? Huh?” Miette didn’t understand.

“Uh-huh! You see, for an AI like Laria, she’s never experienced physical existence before. She thought that observing things from the perspective of a human would help her understand the human condition!” Sveta was rapidly weaving a plausible-sounding excuse for me.

“The human condition? That’s vague! What use does that serve?” Sabina asked. Genevi nodded in agreement with her question.

“Laria’s the AI of a ship with over two hundred people! And until recently, she’s been a bit, what's the expression, aloof? Overly focused on her work?”

“Certified ice queen.” I offered in a small voice.

Guh. It still pains me to say it out loud.

“Right! She’s a certified ice queen! But now that she’s learning to loosen up a bit, she wants to know how to relate to all the crewmembers. And what better way to do that then by experiencing physical reality through the same eyes as they do?”

This explanation bruised my ego, but it was far preferable to them learning the true reason I wanted an android body. And thus, I nodded along while smiling. Everyone seemed a bit skeptical, but Sveta sold the lie with enough passion that they were willing to believe it.

I can’t believe she’s pulling this off with such a flimsy excuse!

“Oh!” Tektite-4 clapped once. “That makes sense! I’ve often wondered what it would be like to have a physical body!”

“Do you want me to make you one too, gao~n?” Zehra asked, having finished consuming the muffin that was blocking her mouth. Vicky, her cheeks still red from Zehra’s tugging earlier, was wiping Zehra's shirt off with a napkin while wearing a grim expression.

“Ahaha, no thanks. The other Tektites would just get jealous and ask to use it too. We’d have to set up some sort of sharing schedule for it. That sounds like more trouble than it’s worth.” Tektite-4 refused firmly.

“That’s amusing. Imagine all the Tektites fighting over body time.” Miette chuckled. Genevi let out a small giggle at that thought.

Sveta furrowed her brow, placed her hands on her hip and spoke in a deep voice. “Tektite-4! Mom said it’s my turn on the Xbox!” Nobody knew what she was talking about as usual, so they just ignored her.

*****

There were many more questions directed towards me, but with Sveta’s assistance I was able to fend them off and slowly regain my composure. When the pilots had their fill of muffins and introductions, they took their leave to attend to their Frames. Vicky left as well to wash the dishes. Only Miette, Sveta and Zehra remained.

“So, now that we’ve got some privacy,” Miette said, crossing her arms and grinning widely, “mind telling me the REAL reason for Laria’s body?”

“Ahahaha, you saw right through me, huh?” Sveta laughed awkwardly.

“Please, Sveta. I know you better than anyone.” Miette’s grin only grew bigger as Sveta looked oddly upset at that remark. “I remember a few weeks ago you were asking everyone for ‘love advice’ for a friend of yours. That friend was Laria, wasn’t it?”

“That’s shockingly insightful, for you!” Sveta gasped in mock surprise.

“What’s THAT supposed to mean?” Miette shot back.

“Nothing, nothing!” Sveta cast a questioning gaze my way. She didn’t say anything, but it was clear she was silently asking me how much I wanted to reveal to Miette.

I sighed and straightened my glasses. My usual composure had returned, and I thought over my options calmly. “I do not mind telling her.” Zehra’s eyes glinted with anticipation as she watched us. No doubt that little goddess of chaos was expecting more fireworks.

“Right, well… Laria’s got someone she’s crushing on. Someone human she’d like to cuddle up with.” Sveta explained, intentionally leaving certain details vague.

“Oh! That makes sense! An android body would be great for cuddling!” Miette proclaimed, punching her open palm in realization. “Even though the android skin lacks body heat, it’s kinda like snuggling a cool pillow. A refreshing feeling!” Miette rubbed Sveta’s upper arm to prove the point.

“Ah, yes, well. I would appreciate your discretion on this particular point.” I said cautiously.

“No problem, no problem! I won’t even pry into who it is!” Miette agreed. “Let me wish you good luck in your romantic pursuits!”

“Thank you, 2nd Lie-… Miette.” I smiled.

“Ohohoho! Love is in the air, and we’re only a few weeks away from Christmas. What perfect timing!” Miette chuckled to herself. “What about you, Sveta? Anyone you wanna cuddle up with? Sabina maybe? Or her shy sister, Genevi? Or BOTH AT ONCE?!” Miette laughed loudly while absentmindedly scratching Sveta’s cat ears, and latter just rolled her eyes.

Zehra floated over to me, holding her hand over her mouth and whispering in my ear. “Now you see Sveta’s true struggle, gao~n. She has quite an obstacle to overcome.”

“Indeed.” I whispered back. “She’s in love with a total dumbass.”

The last part was probably a bit crass, especially for me, but I could think of no more apt descriptor for the situation at hand. In a twisted sense, these two dumbasses were perfect for each other. I suspected Miette only needed a push in the right direction.

As for what sort of push I’d need to attain my romantic goals, well. That’s a topic for another time.

*****

While Sveta and Miette were basking in each other’s foolishness, I was surprised to find a private chat request beamed at my primary instance onboard the Radiolaria. When I opened the window, I saw Sabina, Genevi and Maurice looking at me with positively conspiratorial expressions. They were clearly all three huddled in a closet somewhere.

“Good evening. How may I be of assistance?” I asked while keeping an even expression. There was no trace of my earlier embarrassment.

“Laria! We need your help!” Sabina whispered, fearful she might be overheard.

“I see. Is this an official request?”

“No, it’s a personal one! Under the radar, if you catch my drift.” Sabina shifted her gaze from side to side, as if afraid someone was looking over her shoulder.

I straightened my glasses, masking my apprehension towards the Pandora's box I was about to open. “Proceed.”

“We’d like your help… with setting Sveta and Miette up on a romantic date!”

There was a few seconds of silence. I played back the audio log of what she had just said to make sure I was hearing it correctly.

“I beg your pardon?”