Cheated

"And well, that is exactly why we're here today!"

The sacred place that has the potential to transform me from a pathetic, helpless, and abandoned isekai protagonist... into a sleek, perfect, matchless machine!

That's right, baby!

I AM AT A SHRINE!!!

Why a shrine, you ask?

That's exactly what you're asking yourself right now, isn't it?

Well, the answer is actually ridiculously simple: if this damn world attacks me with the chaotic randomness of its omnibus format, then I'm going to fight fire with fire!

I'm going to exploit the fact that a thousand narrative genres are mixed together here to strike right back!!

Because sure, it's totally true that monsters, ghosts, specters, aliens, and even Lovecraftian horrors are roaming around in this world.

But it's also true that there are positive things!

For instance: "divine blessings"! And that is precisely what I desperately, urgently need right this second!

Besides, please don't go thinking even for a second that getting to this shrine was a walk in the park. On my way here, I saw a woman (ghost) leading a young child deep into the forest.

How did I know with such certainty that she was a ghost, you ask?

Well, that's easy. For starters, despite the blatantly supernatural and disturbing scene unfolding in broad daylight, absolutely nobody around me noticed anything wrong. And secondly—and most importantly—for one chilling second, she turned and stared right at me with a twisted, unnatural, inhumanly wide grin.

So, like any self-respecting man who values his own life, I did what anyone in their right mind would have done...

I ran like a terrified freakin' rabbit!!

And that's how I managed to escape (or at least I sincerely hope I did) from that dangerous situation, only to immediately bump into a girl with a sinister smile staring blankly at her phone in the middle of the street. That scene activated literally every single danger alarm in my brain all at once, so I once again resorted to my incredible, highly refined escape technique without ever looking back...

And so... after many, many, MANY traumatic detours!

I FINALLY MADE IT!!!

I'm not gonna lie, this whole journey reminded me in the most brutal way possible just how badly I need a power boost if I plan on surviving in this world.

But now that I'm finally standing right here in front of the altar... it's time to undergo a mystical awakening or whatever the hell destiny has prepared to help me push forward!

And with that steel determination, I closed my eyes and prayed fervently, hoping with all my soul for the best possible blessing.

And the grand result of my earnest prayer was...

<"Congratulations, mortal. You have been chosen as my new vessel.">

In the blink of an eye, I found myself face-to-face with a terrifying snake made entirely of black smoke, communicating telepathically directly inside my mind...

...

...

I demand an immediate refund.