Vol.4 Ch.17 – Overdue
Chapter 17: Overdue
“May...” Jeanne began, then took a deep breath to steel herself. “May I start?”
Elaine nodded, waiting to see what Jeanne was going to say. She had come here humble, ready to admit her own failings and hoping that Jeanne would see why she was upset with her. She hadn't expected the angel to just come out and apologize. Maybe she owed Jeanne another apology, for thinking her too stubborn to admit she did something wrong.
“What I did was appalling,” Jeanne said. “Nobody should behave that way in a sparring match, least of all someone of my status.”
When Jeanne didn't say anything else Elaine asked: “Aren't you going to tell me why you did it?”
Jeanne let out a toneless chuckle. “That's the other thing I need to apologize for. You already figured out why I did it during the match and, despite everything, helped me with it. You could tell I was terrified of losing in front of the cadets, could tell I didn't want them to think I was weak, and so you shifted to your Higher form, allowing me to save face by demonstrating that we were both far beyond them. I did something horrible and, despite your anger, you understood and helped me.”
Elaine nodded, feeling like she was cutting to the heart of the matter. “But why were you so scared of losing in the first place? That's what I don't get. It was a sparring match and it was two against one. No shame in that.”
“I was being stupid,” Jeanne said, quietly. “Remember when the Project started, before the Shard Bearers got here? You all tried challenging me and I beat you all handily. I thought that if I couldn't still beat you that...”
Elaine looked at her, waiting for her to finish.
“... that you wouldn't respect me anymore.”
Elaine sighed, then sat down on the bed and pulled Jeanne onto it. She wasn't going for any sort of bedroom activity but she wanted to help calm Jeanne down. This conversation was proving to her that Jeanne, despite being a legend, despite being a powerful angel, was still a girl. Sitting side by side made things feel less confrontational and that's what the angel needed right then.
“I was worried it'd be something like this,” Elaine said quietly. “You looked confused when I apologized so let me explain what I'm sorry for.”
**
Jeanne's heart was pounding in her chest. When Elaine had pulled her onto the bed she had expected something else entirely but instead they were just sitting together, their knees just touching. Elaine was doing her best to help her calm down. And of course she was desperate to know what Elaine was going to say. Why had she apologized? What did she have to feel sorry for? She sat there with bated breath, waiting for Elaine to gather her thoughts.
“I have been disrespecting you,” she finally said, and Jeanne's breath caught in her throat. “Both as my superior and as a person. What you did was stupid and I'm glad you understand that but it wasn't my place to judge you for it. I decided that I had the right to chastise my superior officer simply because I was sure I was stronger than you. Not only that, I thought I had the right to chastise you after what we'd done. I let what we did in the bedroom get to my head. That was wrong. And for that I apologize. That disrespect, that's what made you think you had to win this fight. Wasn't it?”
That's what Elaine had been beating herself up over? God, Jeanne couldn't believe this woman. She'd thought ten steps ahead, apologized for things Jeanne had never even considered. She had stopped seeing Elaine as a subordinate ever since that night with her and Rachel but when it came down to it Elaine actually was her subordinate, even if only on paper. At the same time, she had to admit, Elaine wasn't entirely wrong about the other thing, either.
Had Jeanne truly been worried about the other cadets seeing her as weak? Or had she wanted to show Elaine how strong she was after acting like such a submissive little kitten in bed with her? Her experiences hadn't been extensive but so far she'd never been the weaker partner in any relationship and so the way she acted in bed with Rachel and, yes, with Elaine was unusual for her. Surprisingly she liked getting pushed around, liked not having to be strong and dominant in bed, but when then challenged by one of her partners she had still wanted to prove herself.
At the same time, Elaine was completely wrong. Even if she'd let Jeanne's submissive behavior get to her head, that hadn't justified the underhanded tactics she'd used to knock out Abigail.
Apparently Jeanne's silence had been answer enough for Elaine because she continued: “Thought so.”
“This isn't your fault at all,” Jeanne rushed out.
“Not entirely, no,” Elaine said. “But it's also my fault. You allowed me to push you around in the bedroom and so I thought you were someone I could push around outside of it. And I'm so sorry for that.”
“I'm glad to hear that, but even so, that doesn't justify what I did to Abigail,” Jeanne said. “She deserves my apology most of all.”
“Yes, she does,” Elaine said, her voice a bit colder than before. “She's been struggling with her self-worth already. You knocking her out made it worse.”
Jeanne winced.
“But I'm just as much to blame,” Elaine continued. “She thinks she's useless, then she got knocked out. That was bad. But then I, idiot that I am, decided to win the fight without her and demonstrate to her that I didn't need her help anyway. That made it even worse. I should have just let you beat me. But I was too angry. Mostly at you, but at myself as well. It was... blinding.”
“You beat me with Tiamat's magic,” Jeanne said.
“How do you know that?” Elaine asked.
Jeanne considered how much to tell Elaine, then decided to hold nothing back. “Tiamat isn't like other dragons. She is not just the mother of dragons, she is also a manifestation of the primordial sea and with her body the world was built. Her elements are water and earth, not fire or wind or lightning. She doesn't spit fire, she spits swathes of acid mist. So when you hit me with an acid attack I knew immediately where you got it from.”
Elaine didn't say anything. She was lost in thought. And so Jeanne continued:
“When you hit me with Tiamat's powers I knew how badly I had messed up. You were so angry that Tiamat had stirred.”
Elaine frowned. “Is she evil or something?”
Jeanne shook her head. “Sorry, I should have been more specific. Tiamat is not some evil entity sealed inside you. She is a benevolent goddess but she is fiercely protective of her own.”
Elaine considered, then got it. “So what you're saying is that when we were fighting that cultist priest in Albion Typhon stirred inside me and when I fought you...”
“Tiamat did,” Jeanne finished. “That's why you were so angry you couldn't think. Even that is not your fault. She's the reason you couldn't think of anything but to beat me.”
“Bullshit,” Elaine said. Jeanne looked back up at her. “Soul Shards color a person's personality, they don't control it. Tiamat didn't make me angry, Tiamat resonated with the anger I was already feeling. Just like how Typhon didn't make me want to kill that satyr. This is my fault. I let my emotions control me.”
Jeanne exhaled, not quite a sigh. “So, where does that leave us?”
“With a burning desire to go apologize to Abigail,” Elaine said. “But the damage is done. I think both of us apologizing to her would only make it worse.”
“Would you like me to talk to her?” Jeanne asked.
“I think Rachel might be the better sounding board for her. You traumatized her a little bit. What did you show her anyway?”
“You skewered, coughing up blood,” Jeanne admitted, ashamed.
“Jesus,” Elaine muttered and Jeanne flinched. Yeah, Jesus sure would be helpful right about then. If only she knew where he'd gone.
Elaine let herself fall back onto the bed and pulled Jeanne with her, the two staring at the ceiling.
“That was very stupid of us, you know?”
“It was,” Jeanne agreed. “I'm sorry.”
“So am I.”
“I...” Jeanne began, then trailed off when she didn't know how to say what came next.
“I still like you, you know?” Elaine said. “I wouldn't have been so pissed at you if I didn't.”
“I... like you, too,” Jeanne admitted. “That's why it hurt so much. I knew it was my fault, that I deserved your anger, but it still hurt.”
“I should have talked to you sooner.”
“So should I.”
“Tell me about you and Rachel,” Elaine said, completely throwing Jeanne for a loop.
“What do you mean?”
Elaine didn't say anything. She just turned her head to look at Jeanne and gave her a look of supreme skepticism.
Jeanne sighed. Well, Elaine was probably the best sounding board she was going to get. “Rachel confuses me to no end. I've never felt so safe, so understood, by anyone else. I really like you Elaine but you can't begin to understand what it's like to live for centuries. Not yet. But she can. She gets me. Sometimes I think she understands me better than I do. And she is letting herself be vulnerable around me. She's shown me things, told me things, that I doubt she is in the habit of sharing. She relies on me.”
“Sounds like you make a great couple,” Elaine said.
“But Rachel doesn't do relationships,” Jeanne said. “She's quite open about that.”
“Have you talked to her about what you mean to her?”
“No,” Jeanne said with a sad chuckle. “I'm terrified she'll tell me I'm only imagining things, that we're just friends.” With really deep-reaching benefits...
“Well, I can't read her mind,” Elaine said, “but even I can tell she treats you differently than she does everyone else.”
“Rachel is a free bird,” Jeanne said. “If I try to cage her she will wither and die.”
Elaine poked her in the cheek. “Maybe that's why she likes you. You don't try to cage her. You're okay with her flirting with everyone, aren't you?”
Jeanne bit her lip. Would she be fine with Rachel doing more than flirting? Yeah, so long as Rachel invited her along. “I suppose. But where does that leave us?”
“I was really hoping you wouldn't ask that.”
“Did I mess up that badly?” Jeanne asked quietly.
“That's not what I meant,” Elaine said, a weight dropping from Jeanne's chest. “But the only answer I can give you makes me sound like an even more selfish bitch than I already am.”
“Go for it.”
“I know I have no right to say this but I don't really like the idea of having partners who sleep around on me. And the two of you will be doing a lot of that for these Oaths.”
“It does sound horrible,” Jeanne said with a chuckle. Before Elaine could flinch away she grabbed the brunette's hand and laced their fingers. “But I get it. You want to keep your hoard all to yourself. You have a dragon inside you, after all. And yeah, Rachel and I will be helping the others swear those Oaths. But if we ever don't have to do that anymore...?”
“I'd be happy to have you both,” Elaine said. And then she rolled over onto Jeanne, cupping her face and pressed a knee between her thighs. “Are we good again?”
“Yeah,” Jeanne said with a smile.
Elaine kissed her. It was a gentle kiss, not as ravenous as Jeanne knew Elaine could kiss but still full of affection. When it was over Elaine got up and left Jeanne with a stomach full of butterflies and a burning need to see Rachel.