Vol.4 Ch.16 – I’m Sorry

Chapter 16: I'm Sorry

To say that this was the most terrifying moment in Jeanne's life would have been a massive understatement.

The most recent contender for the most terrifying moment had been her fight against a Shoggoth, a creature that, if it had managed to eat her, would have consigned her soul to an eternity of torment, if not outright oblivion.

Less recent had been the fights early on during the Invasion, when the Outside had not only broken into Earth but into Heaven and Hell as well, when endless hordes had broken down the pearly gates, their sights set on the throne of God, when it had seemed that only the proteges and the Angel Lords had a chance of holding the beasts back.

Before that had been the most brutal battles of the Fae Wars, back when she'd fought side by side with the Arch Fiends Jun and Iria against an entire battalion of sidhe nobles on unicorns, the poisoned horns of the mounts and the gleaming blades of their fairy riders like an avalanche of death hurtling towards the three of them.

And of course the true most terrifying moment of her life: walking to her death, to be burned at the stake. Back then she hadn't known just how much it would hurt. She hadn't even known for certain that there was life after death and so she hadn't even known that that death would haunt her still, centuries later.

And yet, despite having had all these experiences, despite her having stared death in the face on so many occasions, she was terrified of how this conversation with Elaine was going to go.

**

Elaine let her gaze wander around the room, lingering only momentarily on Jeanne, who looked as nervous as Elaine felt. There was nothing in this room, nothing that betrayed a hint of personality.

Even the Bible, prominently placed on a shelf, didn't say anything about Jeanne. The book was pristine, never touched before, its spine intact. Elaine didn't know if Jeanne just knew the good book by heart or if she read it on her CARD, didn't even know if Jeanne had insisted on it being there or if the US government had placed it there knowing this room would be given to an angel. Her own room certainly didn't have a Bible in it.

But this room was empty, sterile. Either Jeanne hadn't allowed herself to have any personal interests or she didn't like showing them off. But whatever the reason, Elaine understood the significance of Jeanne showing her this room. What ever the lack of décor said about Jeanne, the angel wanted Elaine to see this.

Of course, the most significant thing in the room was Jeanne herself, looking deeply uncomfortable.

**

Jeanne knew why Elaine was upset with her. And she had every right to be. She might not have the full picture of what was going on between Elaine and Abigail but knocking Abigail out had deeply upset Elaine. And it had been a dirty, disgusting thing to do. Jeanne had used illusions and subterfuge to terrify Abigail and knock her out, and all because she had been scared to lose to Elaine in front of a crowd.

Even now she was kicking herself over it. It had been a damn sparring match. Losing didn't matter and it wouldn't have made her look weak. If anything it would have emboldened the cadets into training harder, showing them that they had the potential to best even celestials if they trained hard enough.

And in the end Elaine had shown compassion. Elaine, truly upset over Jeanne's actions, had nonetheless understood why Jeanne had done it and had done her best to oblige her wishes. She'd shifted to her Higher form, escalating the fight to a level where Jeanne wouldn't lose face by losing, as both of them had been operating on a level far beyond what the cadets were capable of.

That was the worst part. Jeanne had shown Elaine her worst side and Elaine, though angry, had still helped her. She'd shown more maturity than her despite being centuries younger than her. Actually, no, that wasn't even the worst part.

The real worst part was that Jeanne liked Elaine, really liked Elaine. Not as much as Rachel maybe, though that was a line of thought she tried very hard not to think too much about, but she liked her. She could even imagine a relationship with Elaine, so long as Rachel was there with her. But after what she'd done she was lucky that Elaine was even still willing to talk to her.

But Elaine didn't look angry. She seemed... lost in thought. Sad, maybe.

**

Elaine knew she had fucked up. Yes, what Jeanne had done had been dirty. But getting angry about it and beating her had been the worst way to handle it.

Most importantly, it had made Abigail's inferiority complex worse in the long run. By winning on her own Elaine had demonstrated to her that her help hadn't been necessary after all, that Abigail had been holding Elaine back if anything.

Then, who the fuck was she to get angry at Jeanne? Jeanne wasn't quite her commanding officer but she was the next best thing, above her in the chain of command. Elaine had always been good at mouthing off but she'd never so openly defied someone higher up in the chain of command. And she couldn't quite figure out why she'd done so.

Maybe it had something to do with the ritual... No. Elaine refused to think of it as a ritual. That made it sound ceremonial and utilitarian. But it hadn't been. She'd had sex with Jeanne and Rachel. She'd fucked their brains out. It had felt like there'd been a real connection there. That was the reason Elaine had been so pissed about it. She'd questioned whether it was a lack of respect after fucking Jeanne's brains out but that hadn't been it at all. She just couldn't believe that the loving woman she had been with would be so callous.

But that didn't make it okay. Elaine had fucked up. Yes, so had Jeanne, but that didn't make her own mistake any more acceptable. And so, even though she was still upset, even though there were still things she needed to say to Jeanne, one of them was more important than all the others.

**

Jeanne took a deep breath, knowing what she needed to do. There was one thing she owed Elaine more than an explanation, more than a justification.

**

“I'm sorry,” they both said, at the exact same time.

**

Jeanne blinked. Why would Elaine apologize to her? She had messed up. She had asked Elaine here to apologize, to explain why she had acted the way she'd acted and to thank her for helping her save face despite it all. And yet Elaine was apologizing to her.

**

Elaine blinked. She hadn't expected Jeanne to just come out and apologize. She had wanted to apologize, to explain why she'd overreacted and then to explain to the angel why she'd been upset but apparently Jeanne had realized herself that she'd messed up. It made Elaine respect her that much more, that she'd not only understood that she'd messed up but that she was a big enough person to actually own up to it.

It still didn't make what she'd done okay but it made the conversation that had to happen that much easier.