Consultation 138.
Consultation 138.
I looked on vacantly at the person balled up in a corner of the room. From the moment she first entered the room, she hadn’t glanced at me even once. Her back to me, a heavy atmosphere oozed out from every pore of her body.
The identity of my client today was… Author.
As for what was going on, I had no idea.
She just quietly walked in with traumatized eyes and sat down in the corner of the room while hugging her knees and rocking back and forth.
What the hell had happened to bring her to this state? I had no way to know.
“God, are you not going to ask?”
“I feel like it’s better if I don’t ask. For you to become like this, I can only imagine the worst.”
“Why don’t you take a guess?” There wasn’t an ounce of enthusiasm in her voice. Her voice was hollow, soulless like someone who’d witnessed something so atrocious they’d lost faith in everything they once believed in.
“Did you get canceled or something?”
“Cancelled? I wish it was something like that. Being canceled would make me jump for joy compared to what I just witnessed.”
“Wait… it couldn’t be… you witnessed that?”
“What?”
“A negative balance?” I trembled uncontrollably when I imagined opening my account to be greeted by such a horrific scene.
“No, God, it’s something that I view as being even worse than a negative balance.”
“Something… worse than that? Such a horrifying thing exists?”
“Yes.”
“What sort of ungodly abyss did you peer into this time, Author?”
“Heh, ungodly abyss? I wish I’d stumbled upon one of those. Those actually sound pretty cute in comparison now.”
I had second thoughts. Should I really dig any deeper into this? For Author to be this shaken, you knew for certain some rancid shit hit the fan.
“God…”
“What is it?”
“Have you… heard of…”
Her entire body trembled, her teeth chattered beyond her control, she tried to squeeze out the last word.
“Out with it woman!”
“Cha-cha-cha… CHAD! Have you heard of Chad, God!”
“Chad? No way, you don’t mean- wait, what? What the hell do you mean, Chad? Who the hell is Chad?”
“Shhhhhhh! You mustn’t speak lightly of ‘he whose name must not be spoken!’”
“Hah? Who? I’m genuinely confused now. Who the hell are you even talking about?”
She turned to me with dark heavy bags under her eyes.
She held up her phone in front of me with an unsteady hand.
“Who the hell is this? Is this a guy or a girl? Why does he radiate such immense levels of ‘socially awkward fucktard?’ Wait are they trans? Why does it feel like he also gives off lesbian vibes though? What the actual fuck? Who authorized this thing’s creation? Why do I feel so confused when looking at whatever this ungodly abomination is supposed to be? Why do I also have this immense desire to punch him in the face? How am I even supposed to feel when looking at this?”
“Right! Right! All of that! Exactly! I don’t get it either! But this is what the biggest problem I have is!” Author switched over to another tab.
“90%? What about it?”
“This ungodly creation... critics rated it 90%. And… it’s supposed to be a fucking comedy revolving around this intentionally socially awkward jackass you want to punch in the face within five seconds of meeting him. I don’t fucking get it!”
“Wait, this is a TV series?”
“Yes. This abomination that stinks worse than inside Satan’s asshole was created by mortals. God, were mortals a mistake? How could mere mortals create something worse than the shit you find in Satan’s asshole? I just don’t understand. How much must mortals kill comedy before they are finally satisfied?”
“It can’t be that bad, right?”
“Then watch it yourself.”
“Sure, I will then.”
“By the way, the audience score is 25% and it’s also rated 2.5/10.”
“Wait, what? Uh… can we... talk about this?”
“Shut up and watch it. Don’t be a little bitch. If I had to suffer through this shit, so do you.”
Exactly twenty-five minutes and fifty-four seconds later.
Bang. Bang! BANG! BANG!
I was seated beside Author in the corner. I was stuck in a perpetual loop of banging the side of my head against the wall. The two of us both had the exact same agonized looks on our faces. The only difference being that Author’s condition had deteriorated even further after being forced to watch the pilot episode for the second time around.
“It’s worse than anything I could have ever imagined. Why the hell is some middle-aged woman playing the role of a pubescent socially awkward high school boy? It’s too fucking creepy. Author, why is it so fucking creepy that my skin is crawling all over? I’ve seen all sorts of defective waifus, but I don’t think any of them have achieved this level of creepy before.”
“I don’t know God. I just don’t know. This is some nextgen shit us old fogeys probably can’t even begin to comprehend.”
“I don’t want to comprehend it. I really don’t.”
“Me neither. Let’s just stick to the little counseling session gig we’ve got going and never bring up this abomination ever again. Mortals are scary. Gods like us shouldn’t try to comprehend them.”
“It really speaks volumes when it’s coming from one abomination to the next.”
“Shhhhh. Let us never speak of this forbidden topic ever again, God.”
“Amen to that.”
This was the origin story behind the term amen.