Consultation 137.
Consultation 137.
“God, how do I murder the idiot I’ve been summoning all this time? The one who not only forgot who I was but also immediately started hitting on me to get in my pants?”
Haaaaah. I mean, I sort of expected this would happen… but still.
“Why not just kill her while you’re having sex?”
“Have sex with that thing? No thank you. I’d rather have sex with a lowly... goblin... than have sex with her. For some reason... after snubbing her, she suddenly thought I felt lonely because she hadn’t remembered who I was. Where the hell did that idiot get such a stupid idea?”
“Yes… wherever could that idiot have gotten that idea…”
I sincerely apologize for being the source of where that idiot got her stupid idea!
“So, God, what do I do about her now that I’ve finally summoned her?”
“You don’t know what to do with her? You mean you’d been trying to summon her for all these years and hadn’t thought of that already?”
“After all this time, I never expected to actually succeed. When you fixed the problem on such short notice, I was blindsided without much of a plan. I was so excited to finally succeed that I went into it without giving it much thought. In all honesty, now that I’ve finally succeeded in summoning her… I’m actually a bit lost on what to do. Every day I got up with that being the only source of motivation from one day to the next.”
“Now that it’s finally over… I don’t know what to do from here on out.”
“I see, so summoning her became the thing that kept you ticking after how long you’ve been alive.”
“Uh… yeah, I guess so.”
“What about the other people in your world?”
“Other… people?”
“Yeah.”
“God…” her eyes turned vacant, listless, her chin robotically dipped down before her lips moved, “what other people?”
“What other people… you mean?”
“They’re all dead already. The person who was supposed to save the world wasn’t summoned in time to save it. The world ended a hundred years after I was summoned. I couldn’t take their place. I wasn’t the one destined to save that world, God. I watched helplessly from the side as everyone around me fell, one by one.”
“Nobody ever blamed me either, God. They always said it wasn’t my fault. They said it was their fault for failing to summon the correct person.”
“I summoned the person who was supposed to save that world... God. I… did it… I didn’t it, so shouldn’t she be able to save the world now that she’s there… God?” She looked at me with greatly distraught weary eyes. She was completely broken.
“That idiotic thing is the person the world was waiting for this entire time, she has to save it now. Right? RIGHT? RIGHT, GOD!”
“She doesn’t have to save anything.”
“What do you mean she doesn’t have to save anything! It was her destiny, God! Her destiny to save it!”
I calmly looked her in the eyes and said, “Destiny is nonsense. That world was just unlucky. Relying on summoning someone from another world to fix all your problems is just the people in that world trying to take the easy way out by pushing their problems onto someone else’s back. As they themselves admitted, their world ending is a result of their own incompetence. Neither you nor that idiot is responsible for the fate of that world.”
“If that world had to solely rely on some stranger to save it, they’re better off not existing.”
Her mouth opened to say something, but she choked up unable to speak.
After several minutes in silence, she finally opened her mouth, “then… what do I… do from now on… God?”
“You summoned the idiot, so the curse on you is lifted. You’re free. Just do whatever you want.”
“I have nothing though. Nothing is left for me.”
“Then just start over from the very beginning, you idiot.”
“Start over? But how?”
“Rebuild the world from the ground up. Civilization has to start from somewhere. Empires rise and fall all the time, as do entire species.”
“But there’s no way to reproduce with only two women. And even if that idiot was a man, there’s no way in hell I‘d reproduce with her.”
It was quite literally the ‘last person on Earth you still wouldn’t have sex with’ situation for her.
“God! That’s it!” Her eyes lit up as she looked at me passionately.
“No. Absolutely not! Forget it. That’s a request that cannot be fulfilled.”
“What? But I haven’t even said anything.”
“Even without you saying it, I have a good idea of what it is.”
I did hear her random stray thoughts during our last consultation after all.
“But the Virgin Mary is a thing! Can’t you just do something like that?”
“I’m not that God! Don’t you dare confuse me with him, it’s extremely unpleasant.”
“Please.” She clapped her hands together and pleaded with everything she had.
“Even if you beg, the answer is a no.” My wives would both murder me.
“I’ll do anything, please just impregnate me.”
I nearly fell out of my chair. My head darted about from side to side in a panic, worried my wives would appear behind me with a knife piercing through my heart.
I let out a sigh of relief when neither appeared.
“Keep it down. A God can get murdered several times over when they’ve got a bat shit crazy stab-happy wife.”
“Oh, right. I forgot you were married. But is it really a big deal when you’ve lived for so long?”
“Look, just ask some other God, I’m sure they’d be happy to help you out with this problem of yours. There are quite a few prolific Gods out there.”
“What if I paid ten times the consultation fee?”
“Ten… times you say?”
“Yes.”
“Even with ten times-”
“Twenty. A single drop is all it takes and you’d get twenty times the consultation fee. Think about it, it would hardly require any effort on your part and you make a good sum.”
Damn it, why was she suddenly speaking my language? Twenty… it was too good to resist.
“I’ll be right back.”
“Where are you going?”
“Just shut up and wait here.”
I stood up and exited the room.
Five minutes later I returned with a vial in hand. When I say back down I tossed it over to her.
“Just remember, twenty times the fee.”
Taken aback she looked down at the vial and smiled when she confirmed the contents inside it.
“Sure, I’ll definitely pay up.”
Somehow, things ended with that. She left me behind in the room. I slumped down onto the desk hugging my head depressed because I felt like a cheap prostitute. What was I supposed to do though? Author recently cut my pay again. The struggle was real when you were a poverty-stricken God at the bottom of the food chain.