Chapter 31
After her explanation, Lena fell silent once more. I felt the random urge to reach out a hand and hold hers, but I resisted. Instead, I scowled down into my lap, my legs having slipped off of the bed. It was clear that she really was sorry, that she really hadn’t meant to spill my secret. I couldn’t help but feel empathetic for how distraught she was about everything.
But I wasn’t sure that I was ready to forgive her just yet. I was still mad, still upset, and I didn’t want it to seem as though all was forgiven. Even if it was just an accident. Perhaps it was a bit petty of me.
Still, of all the people I knew, I expected Lena to be practiced at watching her words. It was something that just seemed to come almost naturally to her. Instead, she’d been careless, a carlessness that likely came about from her having been comfortably alone with the girl she'd fallen for. I frowned as I recognized the distinctive feeling of jealousy forming inside of me. If only I was that person: a girl she loved and felt comfortable talking with and not the boy that I truly was.
But no, she was with Rosetta, telling her the secrets that weren’t hers to tell, while I abided elsewhere off in the dark. I couldn’t help but notice the irony of Lena being so worried about keeping things from me when it ultimately ended up being her who couldn't hold on to my secrets.
The bitterness from it all rolled around in my belly like a hardened stone. Lost in my thoughts as I was, it was a long quiet moment before I finally spoke. “If I’m honest, I don’t know entirely how to feel about all this. I’m upset, certainly. Hurt by how rather casually you told someone else, even if it was accidental." I stared with a firm hardened gaze into her eyes. "You’ve never been the type to just blurt things out by accident, Lena. I feel like for almost as long as I've known you, you've been so thoughtful and considerate about what you say, to the point where at times it's been frustrating. And it… it just feels like you weren’t placing as much importance on this secret as you would normally. As if it didn't matter,” I finished in a whisper.
“No, Pearl, it’s not that, I promise. I know how important this is — how bad it might be for you if people found out. It was more that Rosetta…” Lena looked up to her lover. “She's been my maid for a long time. I’m used to telling her things, to always having her ear nearby to listen to me and give me advice. I’m used to letting my defenses down with her. Keeping all this from her was hard. I think she knew that there was something I wasn't telling her, and it was eating away at both of us. In my mind, when she talked about realizing who you were, it was as though she was in the know again, like things were back to normal.”
I bit my lip, noxious jealousy once more rolling within me, followed by a pit of dejection and resentment. Our friendship truly had deteriorated. There was a time when we told each other everything, yet now it felt as if I didn't know her at all. Why wasn’t I the one she went to talk about things, rather than Rosetta? I knew that things had changed between us, but when and why? With a spike of anger and a glare, I shot back, “You tell her everything but not me?”
I immediately regretted it, but held the glare anyway, unwilling to take it back. Better that I take the frustration out on Lena than end up saying something I'd regret to Rosetta. My envy wasn't her fault.
“Pearl,” she began before trailing off, her eyes staring back, uncertain. “I…”
“I thought we were best friends. I thought — I thought we told each other everything.” My anger fell as I sniffled, eyes beginning to water. In a quiet defeated voice, I admitted, “I don’t know what we are anymore.”
Her blue eyes trembled in grief and uncertainty as we continued to hold each other’s gaze.
“What happened to when we were younger? What happened to the days when we would spend almost all our time together? I know we’re both busier now, but… We were best friends, Lena. We knew everything about each other. We trusted each other. I know you said you did, but do you really see me as a friend still? We’ve both changed the last few years, drifting apart. And now with this curse, my body is changing too; I am changing. Are we really…” The question was left hanging.
“I don’t care about that; I don't care that you've been Marked or look a bit different now,” she insisted with a sniffle and rubbed her nose. “You’re still my friend, Pearl. Some supposed curse isn’t going to change that, and being a girl won't either. I know I haven’t been the greatest friend to you lately. Even with all my reasons and excuses, my fears and growing responsibilities, the truth is that I’ve pushed you away. I told myself it was for the best for both of us, that our friendship could never last after the wedding. My future husband wouldn't allow it. But I wasn't even willing to try. I didn't want to.” She rubbed her arm across her face, letting out a sob. “It was easier to just drift apart and try not to think about it and busy myself with other things. Or at least I was hoping it would be easier.”
Still sniffling and with several tears rolling down her face, she admitted, “It was unfair to you. I wanted to talk with you about it all. So many times I wanted to. But it just kept getting harder. The other day, up on top of the library, I had intended to bring up the issue. Honestly, I thought it was probably the last day we would be able to spend together before the wedding arrived. And then when I was going to bring up the future and how I wasn't sure if we would be able to really stay friends, I chickened out instead, saying that I would just come back later. Then Silas came to visit, and...
"I should have made a better effort to talk with you. I know that I’ve messed things up, but I really would like to make them better, to do better. I don't care how Silas reacts anymore, I'll make it work somehow. But now, after everything, I’d understand if — if you wanted time to yourself for a while,” she said in a small voice and looked down at her lap. Her next words came out in a reluctant whisper. “Or if you didn’t want to be friends anymore.” Her tears rolled down her face, and my heart begged me to reach out to her.
Instead, I stared, frozen by the conflicting feelings within. I hated seeing her so upset, and I truly wanted to put all this behind us and make up. But, the anger and despair from it all were still there. I wasn’t ready to just forgive and forget. The question, then, was what I did want. Even considering having some type of break from each other left a foul feeling inside me. I didn’t want a break. I wanted to be closer! And losing her as a friend wasn’t even on the table.
“I don’t know that I can forgive you just yet. I think I need more time for that. But I do want to be friends. I want us to be close again, to be more like the best friends that we used to be if that's possible. I want to feel like we can talk to each other again.“ My hand reached up to my face and wiped away the tears blurring my eyes.
Lena gave me a small nod. “I do want to try again — to do my best to be a good friend. A real friend who spends time with you and talks to you about things. A friend that doesn’t give away the secrets I promised to keep.
“I’m not asking that you forgive me for how I’ve treated you lately, but I do wonder if you’re willing to sort of begin anew.” She paused, holding my gaze. “Pearl, will you be my friend again?” She reached out a hand in my direction, a request to hold one of mine. It hovered with an air of hesitation, full of uncertainty as to whether I would reciprocate.
Staring, I took a breath of air and gave it only a moment of consideration. Our palms met, and we held hands, each of us leaning closer, only a foot or so apart.
“Okay.” It probably wasn’t the response she was hoping for. She likely wanted something more definitive, a firm yes. But through all the emotional turmoil that I was feeling, it was the best I could give in the moment.
Even still, her lips curved up into a bright and genuine smile. She gave my hand a small squeeze. Perhaps things could be okay between us, I thought. I didn't think we could go back to the friendship we’d had as children. Too much had changed since then, both around and within us. Things that couldn’t be merely ignored or forgotten. Rather, we would forge something better out of everything. Something new.
My other hand reached up to curl around the back of Lena’s, and I gave her a smile back. Time seemed to stop are we shared that moment together, our faces hovering just a handful of inches apart.
It was a moment of love and hope.
“You two are such a mess,” Rosetta said. I blinked and scowled over at her as she approached to stand in front of us. Was she trying to ruin our moment? The maid crossed her arms and said, “Just kiss already.”
I spluttered and failed to find words to respond with. Turning back to Lena, I realized just how close our faces were. A bit too close for casual friends. But as I looked back into her eyes, I became uncertain as to whether I was willing to lean back.
Lena was still looking over at the cheeky maid as she said, “I’m not sure that now is really…” Her voice trailed as her gaze locked back onto mine.
My breath was caught frozen in my chest, and I felt suddenly like a stunned deer, unable to think. Her eyes searched mine, and after seeming to find something there, she leaned forward, and my heart thumped. Like a magnet, I was pulled toward her, my arms becoming wedged between us, along with one of hers, pressed up against her chest. Our lips met and my eyes closed. A hand slid up against the center of my back as her other arm wrapped around me. A contented hum of joy vibrated unconsciously from my lips, and I knew my cheeks were reddening from it. It didn’t matter though, as a sunny aura of delight flooded through me.
It was a small chaste kiss, but one that expressed the deeply held affection that we had for one another. And one which ended all too quickly.
I took a breath as she leaned back away from me, and tried to get my mind back into working order.
“Are you happy?” Lena responded flatly as she raised an eyebrow at Rosetta. I almost nodded before realizing it wasn't directed at me.
The maid had a sly smile on her face. “Very much so.”
We had agreed to friendship, but then what did this mean? Was there something more to it? I feared getting my hopes up, worried that perhaps this and the love we'd shared the day before were mere one-time things. Not to mention that I was still a little upset about everything else. Even a loving kiss or the potential for a relationship wasn't going to just erase the past. That would take time.
As I remembered that Lena and Rosetta were lovers of some kind, a sense of panic rushed through me. Might Rosetta resent me for everything we'd been doing? I looked over at her with a pit of worry, yet the girl just continued to smile instead of giving me the scowl that I expected, appearing to be fully content with the situation. She had been the one to suggest the kiss, I supposed. Did she truly not care? Or rather, was she actually encouraging us? We would really need to discuss all this, assuming that anything more was to come of it.
It was then that I remembered that making up with Lena was only half of the issue resolved. I still had to talk with Rosetta about my curse. The two of us had gotten quite a bit closer than we ever had been in the past, but I still didn’t have a clue on how she felt about me as things were now.
As I looked up at her, my face shifting to a more serious expression, she seemed to pick up that the conversation was about to take a heavier turn.
“So you know about my...” my voice trailed off as I looked down somberly. Having this sort of conversation about my Mark for the second time in one day wasn't boding well for the future.
“About your... relationship with Lena?” she finished and gave me an affirmative nod.
“N-no,” I spluttered out, glancing over at Lena, who looked a little red. We definitely had to speak about that. “I m-mean the Mark!”
“Oh, right. You mean being cursed,” she said somewhat gently, almost as a question.
“I believe the preferred term is Marked,” Lena added in. Though I admittedly wasn’t very particular on what it was called. It made little difference.
“Right,” Rosetta said, only hesitating briefly. “Marked, then.”
“What… How do you feel about it?” I asked hesitantly, not entirely sure how to phrase it.
“If I’m honest? I don’t really know.” Her shoulders slumped. “Lena has come to know much more about this than me. She’s been studying it all in the library the past few days.” I blinked over to her. She had? Not noticing my look away, Rosetta continued, “I’ve always thought it was this terrible thing, something that just turned you into a monster.” She gave me an apologetic glance. “It’s what everyone’s always said. But now I don’t know what to think, or what it truly really means.”
I nodded. Truthfully, I was still trying to figure out how I felt about it as well, and I’d been dealing with it for nearly a whole week now.
Encouraged, Rosetta continued, “I talked with Lena about it for a long while last night. She’s got her own ideas about it all, which have definitely left me a little confused.” I glanced over to Lena, wondering just what she had learned. “So I might still be deciding what exactly to think about it all, but I feel we've really gotten to know each other over the last few days, and I can confidently say you aren’t at all like what the priest claims about the 'cursed.' You’ve always been a little odd, Pearl, but you're a kindhearted caring girl, nothing like the monsters that people often describe.”
She took a breath of air, giving me a firm gaze. “I’ll have your back on this. I'd like to consider us friends at this point if you want. And don't worry, I'm quite good at keeping secrets. Unlike the loose-mouthed noble girl here.” Lena kicked out a leg, causing Rosetta to step aside to dodge it. She held up a hand and mock-whispered, “You have no idea some of the embarrassing stuff I’ve seen and heard working here that I’m expected to keep quiet about. It’s practically part of the job.”
“So then, you’re okay with me, even with my being cursed? We’re, umm, friends?” I asked.
The maid smiled and held out a hand. “Definitely.”
I reached out to grab hers, but as our hands met, she instead gingerly gripped my fingers and leaned forward. Her lips touched the back of my hand, and my cheeks flushed once again. Standing up straight, she flashed me a grin, appearing pleased at whatever stunned expression I was making as I pulled my hand away.
Was Rosetta now flirting with me too?! What was even happening anymore?
“Stop teasing her,” Lena demanded.
“Who said I was teasing?” She crossed her arms, posing confidently.
Lena rubbed my shoulder, as I tried to make sense of everything. Pausing in thought, she said, “You had something that you came to talk to me about out in the courtyard, didn’t you?”
Right. Yet more to discuss. I supposed that now was as good of a time as any to tell her about everything with Camilla and the Praevus. Though I really hoped we could pause to eat soon. I was beginning to feel rather starved.