Chapter 62. End of Year 2

The next day, Pansy was absent from classes, something that Draco and I both found odd. Pansy was always the most studious in Slytherin, even more than I was. After morning classes, during lunch, when she was still absent, I took a tray of food, along with a pepperup potion just in case she was sick. “Pansy?” I knocked on her door, and called out for her, but there was no response. “I hear her.” Val said in confusion, pressing his head against the door, wondering why she was staying quiet. I frowned while knocking on the door again. “Pansy, if you're sick, I brought you a pepperup potion.”

I then heard the door thump, as if a weight suddenly was pressed up against it. “She’s on the ground. Sitting against the door. Hi Pansy!” Val yelled, slithering under the crack of the door. “Why are you crying?” Val asked worriedly, and I knew that this was more serious than a common cold. “Pansy… I have some food for you… You missed breakfast and now lunch, you have to eat something.” I said, calmly trying to get her to let me in, or at the very least, say something.

“You’re a liar…” She muttered from behind the door. My mind faltered in confusion. “What?” “You’re a liar!” She yelled, hitting the door. “You think I’m horrible too!” I frowned at the door, wondering where this was all coming from. “Pansy, I don’t think that at all.” I said, but as soon as I did, the door slammed open, showcasing Pansy’s raggedy appearance. Her eyes were sunken, darkened bags adorned just underneath, her hair was almost as bad as Hermione’s, and her robes were disheveled.

Val slithered around her, hissing his comfort, but Pansy didn’t seem to notice as she stared at me with a shivering frown. “You’re lying again… I know you are!” “How-” I was about to refute her in annoyance, but a sudden question made me freeze. “What do you think about half-bloods and muggleborns?” She asked, staring intently into my eyes for any deception. I stammered a bit with surprise. “Wha- I- Of course I think Purebloods are above those of lower genealogies.” Pansy’s lip quivered as she continued to stare into me silently.

She never spoke a word, all I could hear was Val hissing his concerns for Pansy, and why I was lying. “Why do we need to lie so much? Pansy is our friend, I’m sure she’ll understand!” I glanced between Val and Pansy, each looking at me with intent eyes. My calm expression faltered as I let out a sigh. “Pansy… If… If I did feel that Purebloods were not above others… Would you really think I could tell anyone that doesn’t believe the same?” I asked, my heart racing under the stress of my skewed feelings coming to light.

Pansy’s eyes glistened, her legs locked into place, like one would do standing at the edge of a cliff, she steadied herself as she spoke. “Am… Am I just ‘anyone’ to you?” She asked, her gaze turning darker. I frowned at her and quickly shook my head. “Of course not, but could I say something to someone that blackmailed me to keep Val secret?” “I was never-!” She quickly yelled, caressing Val’s cool scales, but bit her lip mid-sentence, looking at Val’s deep blue gaze.

“Can’t you just be honest!? You never say anything that you believe! You've been lying to me since the day we met!” She yelled at me, refusing to acknowledge my worries. “Really? Have I ever done anything similar to Draco? To you? Did you ever imagine that I didn't hate muggleborns? Or did you just assume that I should have thought similar to you because we were in the same house? You never saw my actions as what they were, only under your warped image of what you thought I should be!” I asked question after question, not letting her get a word in edgewise as I spat out every reason why this friendship was built on sand. Even with another lie, I still didn’t want to tell her.

However, watching Pansy’s face turn pale, the life leaving her face, I immediately felt guilt over my sudden outburst. “Oh my… I’m so sorry. I didn’t mean that.” I reached out my hand to comfort her, but she slapped it away, her head lowered, hiding her face as droplets of her tears splashed onto the floor. “You’re right…” She muttered, shaking her head. “I can’t trust my family, my house, you… I don’t know what to believe anymore!” She finally screamed, her breathing became ragged in confusion.

Pansy started to hyperventilate. “I- I can’t! I don’t!” She stammered, not knowing what to do or think as I just stood in front of her, waiting for anything that made sense. She finally grabbed my shoulders, her nails digging into my skin. “Please… Just be honest… Just this once…” She muttered, head still lowered, staring at my feet. I stood frozen, unsure if I could. “Did… Did you ever like being friends with me…?” My face scrunched in pain, pain that I had unwittingly caused to the closest person I could in fact call a ‘friend’.

However the damage was done, would she believe me even if I said yes? I took a deep breath, shuddering at my own despair. “I’m sorry… I’m sorry I’m a liar. I always lie, keep things hidden, and you can never trust my words.” I slowly placed my arms around Pansy, Val silently slithering around our arms in between us. Our heads beside each other, I whispered into Pansy’s ear, like telling a secret. “But please believe me, if only for now.” I squeezed her tighter as the words caught themselves in my throat. “Being at school here… Together with you, even through the lies and hidden truths… Has been the happiest time of my life.”

Pansy gasped, the breath she was unknowingly holding finally being released. She then slowly shook her head. “I want to believe you…” She mumbled, still untrusting of me, but still not letting me go. I nodded in understanding, not saying a word as we continued to embrace each other silently. We continued standing like that for a while, no words could be trusted, no sentences believed, only actions rang true.

Only after Pansy’s stomach growled did I scoff, and break the silence. I glanced down at the dropped plate of food, luckily untouched by the ground. “I still have the food I brought.” Pansy continued standing in silence, her arms underneath mine, still grappling to my robes.

Pansy only now, having peeled back Lucas’ walled off secrets, did she feel that she was special to Lucas again. After realizing that ‘Purebloods’ was almost a faked belief, it took her most of the night to come to grips with the lies she had been taught her whole life, still partially denying it even now, the guilt overbearing in her mind, but now she felt even worse for another reason, thoughts of Lucas becoming close to mud-Hermione, or Chiara skyrocketed. It kept her up the remainder of the night, she couldn’t sleep, knowing that now she had attacked those Lucas felt equal to. She was no longer special to him, she felt that she was already losing him to the other two that easily sprang to mind.

Now that Lucas was beginning to lay everything bare, and keeping her close, his hands tightening themselves around her, his subconscious not daring to let her go. Pansy enjoyed the feeling of his desire to remain close. She wanted to believe his words that she was part of his happiest moments. His question from when they previously fought suddenly came to her mind. ‘What do I want?’ She thought, her stomach suddenly growling in response. Hearing Lucas’ laughter sent Pansy to tighten her grip.

Pansy herself didn’t understand it, but all she wanted was to stay close like this together with him. Only now did she realize that this was what she wanted for the whole year of her work under Tom Riddle. She only did all of those things, because Tom said that she would become close to Lucas if she did, and that Lucas would stay away from those girls she didn’t like. This strange desire to keep Lucas close, never wanting to leave his side, missing him when he wasn’t around. The need to look as presentable in front of him, to know that she wasn’t fading away in his mind.

Pansy didn’t quite understand her own thoughts and feelings on Lucas, but right now all she wanted was to eat her fill, with Lucas by her side.

End of Year 2