Chapter 131. Mistakes / Confusion

As the earliest wisps of cognition and thought drifted amongst my mind, great terror at what I may have done sent a shock into the pit of my stomach. “AH!” I yelled, startling myself awake. Leaping up before the tension on my chest held me back. Quickly assessing the situation I looked down to see my entire body cocooned in a thick layer of webbing. My erratic breaths for air, only quickened from the sight of my being encapsulated. “Oh no... Oh no... What did I do?” I muttered with horror.

The thread that would have been tight for my bestial form, was now loose enough for me to squirm out. Rubbing my eyes to adjust my blurred vision, I suddenly winced from a dull aching pain on my right arm. I glanced at it to see bruised skin all around my wrist and forearm. Feeling the tender skin, I looked at my other arm to see it was unharmed. “Gaynor!?” I called out with growing worry, needing an explanation of what my beast may have done.

From the very top of Salazar’s head, Gaynor skittered from her funneled nest, peaking only her forefront most legs for me to see her. “Are you okay!? Did I hurt you!? Please let me see!” I yelled, unsteadily getting to my feet. Gaynor’s head slowly came into view, her milky white eyes in similar color to the silken laid walls behind her. After a few seconds, and to my relief, she skittered out of her nest with no visible marks. Her legs tapping her webs a few times felt unnatural, only then did I notice that much of the webbed walls were ripped and torn near the floor.

‘She can’t see without the vibrations along her webs.’ I reminded myself, almost forgetting she was blind with how well she acclimated with her silken home. Once she had affirmed a path, Gaynor skittered down to me. I immediately cradled her head in my arms, relief in each unblemished fuzz between my fingertips. “Oh… I’m so sorry… Were you scared?” I asked, resting my forehead against hers, her pedipalps chittered reminiscent of a young child sniffling before she dove her head into my sternum.

“Yes… I was scared… Of everything…” Failure sank in my stomach, I had forced a child to stop a raging monster. Luna had mentioned a few times that she was unsure of the safety of my potions, but I didn’t listen. I instead pressed onward in taking the draughts, blinded with the hope of leaving my beast and reprehensible instincts behind. Biting my bottom lip, distraught with my own inadequacy, I continued to slowly comfort Gaynor while making a resolution. “You shouldn’t have gone through that… It’s all my fault... I promise I won’t let you see that side of me again.”

I hadn’t even known what exactly happened down here, but I couldn’t ask her to relive what kind of trauma I may have inflicted on her. “I-I like when we get to play…” She quietly hedged under her breath. I paused petting her head for a moment in confusion, before realizing the meaning behind her words. “You… want me to come back for the next full moon?” I asked in disbelief, pulling my head back to give her some space.

To my shock, Gaynor nodded her head, before enrapturing me into her large embrace. “I know he was mean because that potion didn’t work. I know he’ll be better later. I like him when he’s nice.” I winced at her words, striking me precisely where my shortcomings lay. “Right… He’ll be better next time. I promise.” I spoke forcefully, petting her gently with my only free arm, the bruised one still entangled within her clutches. Still unknowing of how that came to be I didn’t have the heart to ask her to relive anything from last night, nor tell her that the beast that she had seen as a friend, was something I abhorred to the point of trying to essentially ‘kill’ it.

***

After much time of comforting and being comforted by Gaynor, I left the Chamber through the sewer exit. I made my way towards the edge of the forbidden forest. The sun barely having risen past the horizon and dew laden grass under my heels gave me a feeling of comfort. The immense pressure I was under had finally been released, I could stand in peace without the constant vulgar thoughts permeating my brain.

Taking a deep breath, I could smell Chiara in the distance, but the previous bouts of lust from her aroma were now missing, leaving only the sense of comradery of our similar physiology. Carefully making my way through the outer thicket of underbrush, I returned to the grove, pausing at the sight before me. Standing under the old wooden archway stood Chiara, already staring in my direction in wait of me. Licking my dried lips in angst, I willed myself to continue on towards her.

As I closed distance, I could see her clutching tightly on her belongings while her eyes avoided my gaze. It was evident that she was just as ashamed of her own instincts as I was of mine, but at least she had more control of it. “Hey…” She meagerly waved, her face reddening from just remembering the last month of our awkward avoidance of one another. “Hey…” I responded back, almost as nervous as her.

It felt like minutes passed by without another word between us, the deafening silence forcing me to finally speak my mind. “How do you do it?” Chiara jumped from the suddenness of my question, but slowly collected her thoughts before looking back at me with confusion. “How do I do what?” She asked, her confusion overwriting the nervousness and embarrassment that tied her tongue earlier. “How do you control yourself!?” I screamed, the lack of lust on my mind now giving way for all the contempt I had within myself.

“How are you so fine everyday!? Ever since this school year started I’ve barely managed to keep myself sane through all of this! I know you must feel it, or you wouldn’t have avoided me as well!” I gasped, forgetting to take a breath in my heated debate, the anger of my own continuous vile thoughts leaving me at the sight of Chiara’s somber expression. Only the disappointment and shame of endangering a child remained in my slumped shoulders, watching Chiara's quivering eyes. “Please… Please tell me what it is…” I begged, hanging my head with shame from screaming at my most caring friend.

Chiara reached out towards me, pausing briefly a few times before taking both my hands in her own, holding them gently while avoiding my confused gaze. Just her touch made my hands feel abuzz, and I felt a foreboding rock sink deep in my stomach. I yanked my hands away from her, placing one up to halt any more actions. “No! Just don’t…” I said, looking far towards my right, unable to even look at a single portion of her porcelain skin or silken spun hair.

I knew she was trying to comfort me, thinking that I had released all of my pent up lust, leaving only understanding and condolence to remain, but that was the issue. Her comfort would just lead me to yearn for forbidden fruit. ‘I have to draw a line between Hermione and Chiara. I can’t get any closer.’ Biting my bottom lip, unsure what expression Chiara was making, I could only selfishly ask her again to help me with my problems. “What’s the secret?”

Silence was all I was met with. I could only scoff at myself for being pathetic enough to scream at Chiara and give her mixed signals of my closeness with her. One moment I was hugging her with all my might and fearful of losing her, and the next I was pushing her away for fear of growing too attached. ‘But I already am too attached…’ With that thought, I slowly turned around, and began to silently walk away.

However, a hand grasping at the large sleeve of my robes halted my movement. Without looking back, I only remained frozen in mid-step, I couldn’t bear to see those large silver eyes filled with empathetic worry. “You have to tell Pansy.” Chiara squeaked out, her trembling voice gnawing in my chest as I bit my lip to keep myself from out-bursting. “I’ve only kept my sanity because I’ve been upfront about everything with Hermione.” She continued to explain, the angered outburst of the obvious yet difficult solution caught itself in my throat, making way for something much different.

Squinting my eyes in confusion, I turned to look at Chiara. Her wide glistening silver eyes like small moons looking up at me. “You and Hermione…?” Chiara, despite saddened at my own pain, couldn’t help but smile just a bit while giving me a tiny nod. I could only stare at Chiara with my mouth slightly agape while my mind processed their relationship.