108. Sasuke Retrieval Arc, Part 9: Naruto Vs. Sasuke???

The Valley of the End.

This is the place where Hashirama Senju and Madara Uchiha’s duel scarred the land, memorialized by two giant statues facing off across a waterfall. (I always questioned who made the statues but, knowing how Earth Release works in this world, some random guy may have done it on a lark in an afternoon.) Sasuke stands atop Madara’s head, while Naruto argues with him from atop Hashirama’s head, foreshadowing the eventual reveal of their being reincarnations of Indra and Asura, just like the men whose shoulders (heads) they stand atop.

I approach from the ground below while they begin shouting at one another.

“Sasuke-kun!!!”

“…Naruto-kun,” Sasuke says, turning to reveal half his face is covered in flamelike tattoo markings, his sclera black with a bestial yellow eye. His expression is a lot more melancholic than I remember from the Anime. “Like I told you before, I’m not staying in Konoha. I’m done with catching cats and playing at being ninja.”

“Shino-chan, Sakura-chan, Hinata-chan, Tenten-chan, Karin-chan, Kin-chan, and even Fubuki-chan all risked their lives for you.” Naruto’s hands shake with fury. “Was it all for nothing?”

“I never asked to be saved. Go home. Hey, knucklehead, what’s that look for?”

“Is… is this it for us?” Naruto asks with tears in his eyes, rage melting to sorrow.

“Naruto-kun, it’s not you, it’s me. You deserve better. This is for the best.”

“You’re breaking up with me?!? Doesn’t us matter to you? Sasuke-kun, I love you! We can make this work!”

Sasuke sighs. “I… love you too, Naruto-kun. It’s because I love you that we have to break up. When Itachi-kun came for you, I realized something. I need to become stronger, so much stronger to protect those I love. And I can’t do that in Konoha. Even Sakura-chan is surpassing the current me. My path to power lies down dark roads, paths where I put myself in danger, even dealing with individuals I despise who want to harm me. But it’s necessary.”

The blond ninja in the orange jumpsuit objects, “You don’t have to be stronger, Sasuke-kun. I can protect you! I’ll even help you get revenge on your brother!”

Laughing maniacally, Sasuke replies, “Do you really believe you can protect me from these eyes?”

And Sasuke’s Sharingan morphs into a pinwheel of three intersecting ellipses. It’s the ‘Kaleidoscope Mirror Wheel Eye’—the Mangekyo Sharingan! Nani the fuck!?!

“Impossible!” I shout, making my presence known despite not wanting to butt in just yet.

Naruto seems intimidated by the change, but not remotely to the degree that I am.

“It sounds like Shino-chan has some idea of what this is. If so, then you know it is indeed possible. Itachi-kun told me as much.”

“When did it happen? How?” Seriously, who did he kill?

“This should give you a clue,” Sasuke says as he flings a small object at my feet. My gaze automatically follows the projectile and deciphers the ensuing riddle in an instant.

It’s a home pregnancy test stick with two pink lines on the display, reading, ‘Positive.’

Oh, no. This is my fault.

“Naruto-kun,” the Uchiha scion begins with mournful sincerity, “I’ve wanted to tell you for so long, and I’m sorry it had to be like this. That day on the boat… I had a miscarriage.”

Sakura told me about that, but she thought it was just his first period! Sasuke, I’m sorry, we had no idea.

Naruto’s jaw drops. “B-b-but, we used c-condoms! Condoms, dattebayo!”

“I poked holes in them with my Chidori when you weren’t looking.”

“And I just thought you were into kinky stuff…” Naruto stares off into the middle-distance, clearly in shock that their erotic electrostimulation play had ulterior motives.

“I… I wanted it to be a surprise. That unborn child became my entire world after I found out I was pregnant. For the first time in a long time, I was happy. I felt like maybe I didn’t need to seek revenge. Perhaps living together with you and our baby would be enough for me, Naruto-kun. Then, that day, all my hopes and dreams shattered. The life inside me was extinguished; its light turned to darkness.”

A miscarriage… would actually fit the conditions to manifest a Mangekyo Sharingan, provided enough emotional attachment. Contrary to what the Uchiha who killed their kin to obtain it thought, the only true requirement for the Dojutsu evolution is to experience a significant loss. Such a traumatic event might indeed do the trick and, apparently, did.

“Sasuke-kun, that’s awful!” Naruto replies, “You shouldn’t have had to suffer like that, but at least come home and let me help. I want to comfort you, fill you with new light!”

Is that what they’re calling it?

“No, Naruto-kun, can’t you see?!? I need to become the strongest, the most powerful, to defend those I love. Otherwise, no matter what light comes into my life, I’ll be plunged into darkness once again.”

“Then I’ll prove you can’t ever defeat me, dattebayo! You shouldn’t have any objections as long as I’m the strongest. I’ll protect you, our family, and all our friends,” Naruto says, working himself up, and I can practically hear the Anime BGM starting up, “Orochimaru-kun can’t have you. Even if you’ve got that fancy new eye-thingy, I’m gonna bring you home safe no matter if I have to break every bone in your body!”

Naruto, no! That’s domestic abuse!

“You wouldn’t dare,” Sasuke objects.

“Why not?” the blond boy asks while his eyes become bestial and red.

Sasuke silently retorts by throwing another projectile so hard and fast it draws a thin line across Naruto’s cheek that slowly drips blood. I confirm with my Byakugan what I already know, inspecting the object to find a second home test with two pink lines on the display.

The Uchiha scion puts a hand on his belly with matronly affection and says two words that change everything, “I’m pregnant.”

Two months in a row? Fuck, just how fertile is that boy’s ass???

Naruto’s jaw drops. “P-p-p-pregnant?!? I’m going to be a daddy, dattebayo?!?”

“You wouldn’t dare try to stop me by force and risk me having another miscarriage.” With perfect certainty, Sasuke turns to leave, strolling away without concern of pursuit as he crosses out the Leaf symbol on his headband.

Falling to his knees, Naruto wails an impotent, “Sasuke-kuuuuuunnnnnn!!! Come back!!!”

That’s when it all fades to black.

“How? H-how could this have happened?!?”

I awaken in the infinite blank void before an old man with a beard.

“Old man Deus???” Is this a dream? I never thought I’d see him again.

He turns to me, furious. “Look at what you’ve done! This isn’t how things are supposed to go. You’re ruining everything!”

I respond with equal heat. “What did you expect? You’re the one that reincarnated me in this body, old man Deus! Or should I call you… Otsutsuki Hagoromo!!!”

The bearded godly grandfatherly figure transforms before my eyes into a three-eyed sage with two horns and six black magatama decorating his white robes.

“So, you’ve finally guessed my true identity?” he asks while stroking his goatee.

“Yes, I’ve been thinking about it for a long time now. A godly figure who exists on the border between life and death in the Naruto-verse… that’s basically the description of a certain Sage of Six Paths, who acts as a literal Deus-ex-machina in the final act. I should’ve deduced the truth sooner.”

He chuckles mirthlessly. “How clever. Indeed, when I died, I ascended into this realm, The Wheel of Samsara, from which I observe the migration of souls through many worlds. I’ve seen this story play out countless times over the eons and, in my boredom, sometimes make a few changes.” Is he talking about… fanfiction? Sheesh, if this gets any more ‘meta’ I’ll blow my brains out. “All for the good, of course. You’re not the first I’ve Transmigrated to my home dimension in an attempt to teach them a lesson. I’d never felt a soul as perverted as yours before, though. I thought a lifetime of being bred in the Aburame dungeons would purge those deviant urges from your spirit but look what’s happened!”

A self-appointed judge of souls, huh?

I shrug. “What’s the big deal with what I’m doing? Isn’t it great that Naruto and Sasuke didn’t fight? If things continue this way, they won’t have to lose their arms in the final duel to come to an understanding. Shouldn’t peace between Uchiha and Senju be your ultimate goal?”

“It’s true, Indra and Asura are supposed to reincarnate throughout the ages until they eventually unite and bring peace to the world. But what you’ve done is a… a perversion of my intentions!”

“Is it, though? Wouldn’t it be great if the whole ninja world could cum together?” Fucking LOL.

“Shut up, you insolent horndog! Listen to me, this world has a canon path, and what you’re doing is disrupting that course of events to a ridiculous degree. A few minor changes can be interesting but, if you don’t stop this, there’s no telling how things will end!”

I throw my arms up in frustration and say, “You’re the one who brought me here! Anyway, don’t worry so much. I’ll make sure everything goes smoothly with Kagura, even if things go a bit off-the-rails on the way there.”

He harrumphs at me. “I’m not so sure about that. And mark my words, when that final battle comes, you won’t be getting any of my Six-Paths Chakra!”

That’s alright, I’d never counted on getting Hagoromo’s blessing. In fact, I’m already working on backup plans ‘B’ and ‘C.’

“Oh, yeah? Well, I’m gonna fuck your mom!”