95. Shino’s Anime Filler, Episode 3: Sasuke’s Paw Encyclopedia, Part 1

I’m glad I asked Naruko to let me know whenever Naruto gets assigned a mission because I almost missed this one! I got alerted at the last possible minute to respond and was barely able to make the personnel rearrangements I wanted.

“Why is Kakashi-sensei teaming me up with you two for this mission?” Sasuke wonders with dismay.

“Why not? A mission is a mission, right, Kiba-kun?” I had to promise Kakashi some behind-the-scenes clips of the unreleased Make-Out Paradise movie that recently started filming. Imomushi contacted that crazy director—he was super interested in starting talks with the Aburame clan about my ideas and new ‘actresses!’ The resources I’m willing to offer didn’t hurt either.

“That’s right, a mission is a mission,” my pet dog boy obediently agrees with me, if a little wooden in his delivery. I did promise him a special treat today, after all. He’s come to trust my word a bit more since I got him a second girl for his burgeoning harem.

The Uchiha scion scowls at me. “Knowing you, Shino-chan, I can’t help but imagine you have an ulterior motive in this, somehow. You did bring your girlfriend.”

“Who, me? I’m Kiba’s girlfriend, dattebayo!” Kiba’s Naruko says. My Naruko is sadly on an away-mission with Hinata right now. Thankfully, my contract with Kiba lets me play with any of his harem girls, including Naruko-K. I squeeze her butt to assert dominance over our male companions. “Not now, Shino-chan, we’re on a mission! I’ll suck you off later if you want, though~”

“Ahem,” Sasuke clears his throat to regain our attention from Naruko-K’s flirting. “Not that one. I meant your other girlfriend.”

I blink at him in shock. “How’d you know? I guess if the cat is out of the bag…” I pull a scroll from my pack and activate it. We’re outside the Village walls, so it should be fine.

Fubuki appears in a puff of smoke. *Cough!* *Cough!* “Damn, that felt weird.” Since she doesn’t have the Amalgamation Template, Tenten sealed her in a scroll so we could sneak her out of the Village. I got the idea from one of Sai's canon techniques, actually.

Sasuke stares in amazement, his gaze shifting to confusion at the oddly sexy and cute penguin-reminiscent suit Fubuki is wearing, then back to me, “How many did you bring?”

“Oh,” I say, finally realizing what he originally meant, and tap my wrist to give the signal, “You were talking about the other cat in a bag. I guess you’ve seen the trick enough times to count on it.”

“Yes, I’m here, nya~” Kin Tsuchi pokes her head out from under my coat to say.

I shrug and tell her, “You may as well come on out.”

Kin-Kitty emerges fully from my body, naked except for her Nekomimi and tail butt-plug. It’s funny what counts as acceptable to bring along during Amalgamation. I produce another scroll that I activate to unseal a pale blue qipao dress with a yin/yang gem embedded on the back between the batlike mechanical wings. Kin quickly dons the outfit while Kiba attempts to restrain his libido by staring off into the middle-distance while doing squats.

Fubuki sighs despondently at the other girl wearing her old Chakra Armor but makes no objection. We’ve been treating her quite well, so I doubt she’s much of a flight risk at this point.

“…Whatever,” Sasuke finally responds. He’s acting like I did something excessive, but I only switched out Naruto and Sakura for Kiba and me. They’re doing a Team 8 mission while we tackle this client’s task. The extra team members present are just floaters from my roster. “Let’s hurry up. We don’t want to keep the client waiting.”

The six of us continue to Sky District, the abandoned city. I could’ve found this place on my own with my clan connections, but going by this route has a special advantage. Approaching without someone to vouch for me would surely brand us as enemies. Since the Uchiha clan, prior to their nigh-extinction, had strong interpersonal connections to this place, they’re the perfect vector for proper introductions.

This is the ninja world’s black market—with banned weapons, goods, and services you can’t get anywhere else. And overseeing everything are the special guardians who roam these halls…

“What is this place?” Kin-Kitty asks with pure wonder in her voice. Sky District is both haunting and beautiful in a dilapidated way. It’s full of empty halls, mysterious pipes going in seemingly random directions, and deserted office buildings.

“It’s where the Uchiha sourced their ninja tools, and Granny Cat is a valuable informant for the Uchiha clan,” Sasuke explains.

“It’s sad how empty this place feels,” Naruko says as we walk through the liminal spaces of the vacant metropolis.

“Yeah, real desolate,” Kiba agrees.

Sasuke keeps his council and his silence.

“Sorry it’s so depressing, nya,” a small voice says from above.

“Who said that?” Fubuki hisses while looking about with her kunai drawn.

“Judging by your headbands, most of you must be Hidden Leaf shinobi, nya?” a cat wearing a blue kimono and wire mesh under-armor says from his place atop a water pipe above us. “You smell of dogs, you’re a real dog, you smell of bugs, you smell of cock, you smell of pussy, and you smell… Oh, hello, you’re a ninneko, too, right, nya?” the cat says, going from Kiba to Akamaru to me to Sasuke to Fubuki to Kin.

That’s right, ninneko canonically can’t differentiate a person from a cat if they’re wearing nekomimi!

“You’re nya-t wrong,” Kin quips back with a cheshire grin while pawing at her ears as if grooming herself.

“We’re looking for Granny Cat. We’re not sketchy or anything,” Sasuke explains.

“No, you’re definitely sketchy, nya! I can’t just let you through…” The cat glares at us.

Damnit, we’re being kept out despite traveling with Sasuke!

“You can’t do this to us! We’re here to help the client; Akamaru-kun, let’s show this kitty we can’t be bullied,” Kiba growls as his dog leaps from his jacket and they both take fighting stances.

“Flea Hidden Paw Blade!” the ninneko leaps into the air and spins about while flinging fleas everywhere.

Kiba and Akamaru both go down sprawling on the floor, kicking and screaming as they desperately try to itch themselves.

*Sigh.*

“Secret Technique: Insect Gathering.”

I use the proper counter, applying a web of chakra to a patch of ground that attracts small insects like a magnet. The fleas plaguing Kiba and Akamaru are drawn into my formation.

“You dare mess with us? Damn cat!” Kiba hasn’t yet taken the lesson to heart, cracking his knuckles in frustration and impending violence.

Just when Kiba and Akamaru are about to jump the furry feline, a woman descends from above bearing a kunai. “Momo-chan!” The ninneko leaps into the arms of a girl with long brown hair, hazel eyes, fishnet stockings, and a salmon-pink sleeveless top. “Who the hell are you guys? And how dare you mess with my cat???”

“Oh! His name’s Momo-chan? Huh?” Kiba excitedly asks, taking us all aback by his sudden change in demeanor. Red-faced and flustered, he continues, “I hope there’s no harm done. We didn’t mean to scare him.”

Fast as lightning, the woman’s expression shifts from angry to blushing maiden, “Was my cat rude to you? I’m so sorry!”

“No, no, he’s a cute little ninneko.”

“That guy was calling me a ‘damn cat’ a minute ago, nya…” Momo hisses under his breath, but nobody seems to notice.

“Hi, my name is Tamaki!” The woman appears to have eyes and ears for no one else.

“I’m Inuzuka Kiba! And my dog’s name is Akamaru-kun.” The little dog gives a high-pitched *Arf!* “I’m a ninken trainer!”

“Ninken trainer?!? So awesome!” Tamaki’s eyes sparkle with interest.

Is that all it takes to impress her?

“Ah ha ha! It’s nothing, it’s nothing! Although, some people say I’m slated to be the next Hokage…”

Kiba, have you been smoking crack? Where the hell is this shit coming from?

“But… that’s… my dream…” Naruko whispers to herself in confusion.

“Shhh!” the Inuzuka boy hushes her out of the corner of his mouth.

“The next Hokage?!? Incredible!” Tamaki is enraptured, 100% sold on his bullshit. “But what’s such an important person doing here of all places?”

Great fucking question.

“Actually,” Sasuke begins, his put-upon expression showing he fears brain-rot if we’re forced to listen to more of this conversation, “We’re here to see Granny Cat about a very important mission.”

“Granny Cat?” Tamaki’s gaze suddenly shifts to the Uchiha scion, where it sticks like glue. She’s even got hearts in her eyes for him, “Oh, S-S-Sasuke-kun, you’re back! It’s been so long; good to see you! Here, I’ll show the way, follow me!”

Kiba grits his teeth and balls his fists in frustration as Sasuke steals the girl’s attention just by existing. He doesn’t find any sympathy with me, though, as I stare him down for that load of bollocks about becoming the next Hokage. When he notices me, he shrinks back with a seemingly bewildered expression.

“Whaaat?”

“Wait, wait, wait, this is another catch-the-cat quest, dattebayo? Lame!”

“Actually, Naruko-chan, we’re dealing with Nekomata—the Bakeneko—a cat yokai. Our mission is to get its pawprint.”

“Lame!!!”

“No, this is an important Uchiha mission.”

“Tch, whatever.”

Despite him being in love with Naruto, Sasuke seems to get along with Naruko like a bratty younger sister-in-law.

“Granny Cat is right this way, Sasuke-kun!” Tamaki says as she holds open a door for us with eyes only for her childhood crush. Damn, this girl has it bad for the Uchiha scion.

“We’re here too, ya know,” Kiba grumbles.

“Well, well, well, look what the cat dragged in,” an old woman with a mane of grey hair, nekomimi on her head, a scarf tied around her neck, an orange kimono, and a long smoking pipe in her mouth says. “It seems you came after all. Tamaki-chan, bring the book.”

“Right away, Granny cat!”

Sasuke seems strangely taken aback. “…You turned it into a book?”

“What’s this, what’s this?” Naruko wheedles for information after detecting the slightest bit of hesitation.

“Oh,” the old woman begins as she taps out the ash from her pipe, “It’s a game that Sasuke-kun and his brother used to play.”

“Shut up about him, Granny Cat!” He’s super touchy about Itachi. “Hmph, nevermind. I’ll start preparing for the mission.” It seems Sasuke would rather go to another room than listen to old stories.

I take advantage of his absence to set up my plan. The others watch my antics in confused silence while Granny Cat continues the history lesson.

“He and his brother used to come by here often to do errands for the Uchiha clan. Sasuke would get bored and throw tantrums, so Itachi made up this game of obtaining paw prints to occupy him.”

Naruko is enamored with the thought, “A kid’s game for Sasuke-kun? Dawww! How cute~!”

“As for the last two targets Itachi assigned, I asked Nii-chan of the Hidden Cloud, and she kindly agreed.”

“Who’s that, dattebayo?”

*Cough* “Anyway, the final target is Nekomata.”

Holy fucking Deus, Granny Cat has a connection to Nii! I totally forgot… This is big! Huge! Super important! I need to nurture this relationship for the future.

“So, come here often?” Kiba asks Tamaki now that Sasuke is gone, but it seems the moment has passed for their initial spark.

“I… live here?” the ninneko trainer responds in confusion.

It’s too little rizz, too late as Sasuke reenters the room.

“Alright, let’s hurry up and leave for Cat Fortress—N-N-Naruto-kun? You came after all?”

“That’s right, Sasuke-kun,” Naruto replies with a bright and sunny smile while sauntering over to Sasuke. “I’m here for you. Always.” The Uchiha scion blushes red-hot as Naruto gets way too close for any heterosexual explanation. “Now, show me a little… appreciation,” Naruto tips Sasuke’s chin up towards his lips.

“Naruto-kun, here of all places? I…” The blond ninja silences Sasuke with a tender kiss that lingers. And lingers… And then Sasuke pops the clone with a kunai. “The real Naruto would be groping my ass right now. Whose fake was that?”

Naruko shakes her head vehemently.

Kiba betrays me with a nervous glance. Damnit Kiba!

“Shino-chan! What the heck—” *Pop!* My clone disappears in a puff of smoke as Sasuke grabs my high collar to shake the answers out of me. I’m nowhere to be seen.

“Whew! Is it just me, or is it getting hot in here?” Granny Cat whistles while cooling herself with a cat-print paper fan.

Fubuki has a huge nosebleed and hearts in her eyes.

Tamaki’s eyes, meanwhile, are burned-out husks, jaw dropped, expression dead. “M-my Sasuke-kun is… g-g-gay???”

“Tch. Shino-chan screwing around at a time like this,” Sasuke grumbles, completely ignoring the women’s responses. “Come on, let’s finish the damn mission.”

“A-actually, I think I’ll stick around here,” Kiba says with a fake-nonchalant shrug.

“You’re the one who wanted to come in the first place…” Sasuke says, eyebrow twitching with annoyance. “First Shino-chan disappears, and now this.”

“Hey! You’ve got Kin-Kitty, Fubuki-chan, and Naruko-chan! That’s a full four-man team. What do you need me and Akamaru for? Are you a scaredy cat?”

The cats in the room all glare at Kiba, who just stuck his foot in his mouth.

“No. This many is more than enough.” *Sigh.* “We’re leaving.”

“And it was just getting good, too,” Fubuki mumbles at not being able to see more hot Naruto/Sasuke action.

“Wait, I want to stay too,” Kiba’s Naruko objects. “Or, no, I can just do this!” she announces as she doubles herself with another Shadow Clone.

“If that’s all, then—” Sasuke starts, trying to leave.

“Wait!” Granny Cat objects, tossing a handful of nekomimi at the Genin team. “Take these. You’ll need them to sneak into the Cat Fortress. Also, I brought a treat for your ninneko,” she says while throwing a can of tuna at Kin, who catches it with a confused expression.

“…Thanks, nya.”

Can Granny not tell the difference between humans wearing nekomimi and real cats either?!?

Fubuki stares down at her pair of cat ears like she’s dissociating. “This is my life now…”

Naruko instantly dons them and Kin-Kitty glomps onto her while saying, “You look super-adorable, nya!

Sasuke places the nekomimi on his head with grim determination, “I will defeat Itachi-kun.”

*Gasp!* “You all turned into ninneko, nya!” Momo the cat exclaims in shock, re-verifying the effectiveness of the accessories.

With that, they’re off. Whew.

*Pop!*

I dispel my Transformation into one of Kiba’s kunai and stretch my back once in my original form. Weirdly, maintaining an inorganic form feels cramped despite not having muscles or nerves to sense things. Don’t think about it!

“Hey, Tamaki-chan, want to show us any cool spots around here?” I ask. “We’ll treat you to dinner.”

“Oh…” her gaze drifts to Kiba with newfound appreciation after her childhood crush has been crushed, “Sure.”