93. Shino’s Anime Filler, Episode 2: Land of Tea Escort Mission, Part 3 (Hinata)

“There’s something wrong with this rain,” Sasuke says as he stares at the liquid pooling on the deck.

I sniff the air, “Smells like…”

“Oil!” Idate yells while rubbing his fingers together and smearing black goo all over his hand.

We’re under attack!

“Byakugan!” My vision expands to encompass the ship, extending over the water to find a nearby vessel on our tail. “Behind us!”

“Um, actually, that’s sternward,” Idate mansplains while struggling to pull on his oil-slick shirt. "Nnngh~!"

Naruto unplugs Idate’s rectum, letting cream spew forth from the vacated hole while stuffing himself back into his pants. “What do they think they’re up to?”

I scramble on deck with a plump, stuffed Naruko thrown over my shoulder and dash for the aft of the ship. My Sharingan sees flames spring to life on multiple crossbow bolts. “They’re trying to burn us!”

After safely stowing a still-recovering Naruko in the shelter of the gunwale, I hop onto it and take a classic Hyuga fighting stance. The crossbows fire. “Revolving Heaven Palm Rotation!”

I’m glad I had time last week to copy this technique from Shino with my Sharingan, because I’m able to deflect all the flaming bolts away from our ship.

“It’s the Hidden Rain Genin team from the Chunin Exams! How are we supposed to reach them from here? I can’t use Fire Release while we’re covered in oil…” Sasuke grumbles, frustrated by his lack of long-range options. “Also, Hinata-chan you’re butt-naked with your tits flopping around and both dicks swinging in the wind.”

Blushing as I realize he’s right, I cover my nipples with my palms… leaving my genitals regretfully uncovered. But we were interrupted in the middle of something and there’s no time to get dressed! Karin clearly doesn’t share my embarrassment, because she manifests her own set of breasts beneath mine. Hey! I attempt to cover both pairs of nipples with my crossed arms.

“What the fuck?” Idate’s eyes bulge almost out of their sockets as he sees my four arms and, more importantly, my four breasts and what I’m packing below deck. “I’m so lucky she didn’t say yes when I asked her out…”

“Hinata-chan… nice,” Naruto gives me a thumbs up after glancing at my twin shafts. That cute grin makes my whole body flush with excitement! I’d love to see what he looks like upside-down trying to hold both of my cocks in his mouth while I suck on his toes—no, bad Hinata! Shino already gave me the greatest gift besides her unconditional love, my beloved Naruko~

“Wood Release: Twisting Tendrils!” Karin manifests a mouth from my flesh just long enough to utter those words as her pair of arms performs a hand sign.

Wooden stems thick as trunks erupt from the stern of our ship and reach out for the enemy vessel like tentacles, plunging into and merging with their boat. As my team watches in shock, the Ame ninja team’s vessel literally rips itself apart beneath their feet. The sea swallows them in seconds.

““…””

We watch in silence as the wooden tendrils detach from our boat to sink after our fallen enemies. The rain stops.

“Thank goodness,” Naruto sighs in relief, breaking the long stretch of quiet, “For a minute there, I thought we were in trouble, dattebayo!”

*Thunk!*

“Gaaahhh!” Naruko screams as a kunai pokes through the gunwale next to her head, startling her to full awareness.

“We’re being turned into a pincushion!” Idate shouts as more holes appear and we start taking on water. Oh, yeah, I suppose dropping Water Release specialists into the ocean wouldn’t finish the job.

Seconds later, flames spring to life everywhere the black rain touched. One of the enemy team members must have climbed aboard aft-side and set us on fire.

“AAAHHH! Fire!!!” Idate screams, seemingly having a panic-attack out of nowhere.

“Abandon ship!” Sasuke commands as he jumps into the night-dark sea.

Well, at least I have my Byakugan. Grabbing Naruko, we throw ourselves into the cold waters below. My combined visual prowess allows me to detect dozens of Water Clones and three real Ame ninjas swimming around us like sharks. They dart towards us with blades drawn.

Eight Trigrams: Two Palms! Four Palms! Eight Palms! Sixteen Palms! Thirty-Two Palms! Sixty-Four Palms!

I’ll protect you, Naruko!

They come at me in slow motion, my Sharingan and Byakugan telling me where each of them is, their angle of approach, and the location of their vital spots. My palm strikes pop clone after clone, but there’s no end to them.

Sasuke defends himself admirably with a kunai and Sharingan, but Naruto is swimming with Idate in his arms. They have the advantage of maneuverability. Considering the enemy has rebreathers equipped, this underwater battle is doomed to take a turn for the worse…

Except Naruko has a bright idea. She summons twenty Shadow Clones, and they start spinning up ten pairs of Rasengans in a ring. The submerged ninjutsu begins stirring the waters faster and faster, creating currents that grab a huge column of ocean in its sway. Soon, we’re in the eye of a whirlpool, and the Ame ninjas are flailing about helplessly until they’re dashed against the rocks.

Naruko stops her ninjutsu before our friends are hurt, though.

Such smart thinking! My Naruko is as amazing as she is beautiful!

Naruto and I swim to the surface, our partners in our arms, and climb up onto the ocean with our water-walking techniques. The two of us make a run for shore and arrive there in a few seconds (we were surprisingly close to reaching land when we got wrecked). We lay our lovers on the beach, but they aren’t breathing!

I give Naruko the kiss of life, breathing precious air into her lungs. She stirs in my arms, kissing me back. Hurray, she’s alright!

Naruto has a different problem. He’s staring at Sasuke limp body, the boy’s lips subtly pursed, and Idate’s unconscious form. He looks back and forth from one to the other with indecision. Is it just me, or is a vein throbbing on Sasuke’s forehead?

“Shadow Clone Jutsu!”

Naruto splits himself in two rather than decide and kneels to give both boys CPR at the same time. Sasuke immediately begins making out with Naruto when their lips touch, their passionate kisses intensifying until they finally part minutes later, gasping for breath.

Meanwhile, Idate coughs up some water and struggles to sit up. When he sees Naruto perched over him, lips puckered, he hacks and spits some more. “Stupid ninjas.”

“You doing alright, there?” Naruto’s clone asks with concern. “It seemed like those flames freaked you out, dattebayo. Is there a story to go with that, or…?”

That’s when Idate breaks down on the beach and spills his whole life’s story. He used to be a Konoha Genin, his brother is Ibiki (our Chunin Exam proctor for the written portion), who gave a slightly different version of the test we took to Idate’s class. Those rules, as Idate explains them to us, confuse me and sort of seemed rigged? Whatever.

Then some jerk Chunin named Aoi (now an Ame Jonin) told Idate he could be promoted by stealing some special sword and its instruction manual. The story reminds me of what Naruko told me about when she was Naruto trying to graduate from the Academy and got tricked by that awful Mizuki guy. Not exactly the same, but I guess there are parallels because Naruto is clearly getting very emotional as Idate continues.

Anyway, Idate figured out he got tricked but it was too late at that point. Ibiki came to rescue him, but they both ended up trapped in a burning building where they narrowly escaped with their lives. Unfortunately, his betrayal of Konoha drove a wedge between the two brothers who haven’t seen each other since that day.

Naruto tearfully embraces Idate and says that his brother Ibiki is doing fine and that he should stand proud for rejecting the Amegakure promotion to Chunin and refusing to betray Konoha with Aoi. The idiotic rude boy pushes my precious, tender-hearted Naruto away like a major moron and tries to stand on his own.

I suppose it’s no wonder now why Idate hates ninjas, considering he’s a Genin dropout.

“Well, well, well, if it isn’t little Idate-kun,” a stranger with an umbrella says while approaching with an arrogant swagger. He’s got green hair, a Hidden Rain headband, and a sleeveless jumpsuit.

“Aoi-kun,” Idate growls.

“I was hoping that idiot team of Ame Genin would fail so I’d have to stop you myself. Here you are, all washed up with your pathetic bodyguar—oh, my dear, sweet, merciful ninja-god in the pure lands, what the FUCK is that thing???”

Why is he looking at me?

Wait, I’m still naked, with four arms, four breasts, and two dicks… Oh. Well, I mean, Shino loves my figure, and I know for a fact Karin is incredibly sexy, so there can’t be anything objectionable about my appearance.

“Are you a homosexual? O-oops! I-I’m s-so s-s-sorry, I didn’t m-mean to ask such a r-rude q-question! My a-p-p-pologies, you definitely don’t have to answer that!”

“But… I’m straight! Honestly!” He looks at the other guys present, who eye his bare arms and pretty face dubiously. “Why are you all looking at me like that? She’s a freak!”

““Nobody calls Hinata-chan a freak, you asshole!”” Naruko and Naruto shout in unison. “Get ready to have your butt kicked!”

Dozens of Naru-Clones pop into existence and charge the enemy.

“Ninja Art: Senbon Rainstorm!”

Aoi tosses his spinning umbrella into the air, where it showers us with hundreds of senbon. The clone army vanishes as quickly as they appear.

My Byakugan tells me these projectiles are dripping with poison, so I jump in front of the others and perform Palm Rotation—the rush of chakra from my pores creating a shield that blocks all the incoming senbon before they can touch my friends.

His eyes widen. “Not bad, freak. But, can you handle this? Water Release: Umbrella Shock Wave!”

Aoi jumps high in the air, grabs his umbrella, and swings it down at us. A torrent of water appears and plummets toward us at crushing speeds. Neither my Gentle Fist nor anything in Naruto and Sasuke’s repertoire can defend against such a jutsu, and the breadth of the attack is too broad to easily dodge in time with our Genin-level speed.

“Watch out!” Naruko cries in helpless horror at the oncoming attack. I wish there was anything I could do to protect her!

“Wood Release: Bark Shield!”

Karin manifests her mouth to announce her ninjutsu as her hands perform a sign and slap the ground. Thick tree trunks sprout from the earth and entwine over our heads in mere moments to create a barrier. The Water ninjutsu splashes against Karin’s bark, spraying water everywhere, but Aoi’s attack dribbles to a stop long before breaching the wooden barricade.

Of course, Wood Release is a Kekkei Genkai of Water and Earth, so there’s no way an average Water ninjutsu could possibly overcome it! Karin is awesome! Karin is the best! Thank you, thank you, thank you!

“W-W-Wood Release? Impossible!” Aoi gapes in awe at the sight of the forgotten legendary technique. “No, no, this isn’t anything to worry about. So what if you have a relic of the First Hokage? Let’s put your skills to the test against a relic of the Second Hokage, Senju Tobirama—behold my Sword of the Thunder God!”

*Voosh!*

There’s a hum of power in the air as Aoi draws a vajra from his ninja pack and a solid blade of pure Lightning chakra appears before our eyes. The comparison between this thing and the Chidori is both phallic and self-evident, making Sasuke’s technique look like… well, (not to hurt his ego, but I can’t not think it) Kiba’s average boy penis next to Shino’s big futa cock.

“Isn’t it beautiful? This baby provides both the nature and shape transformation for a gorgeous Lightning blade. On top of that, it has plenty of useful tricks.”

“Chidori!”

““Rasengan!””

“Wood Release: Strangling Vines!”

Aoi isn’t a true Jonin in terms of speed and strength, but he doesn’t need those to cut apart all our techniques. His blade slices through chakra like butter and his swordplay allows him to chop the vines to ribbons, pop both Naruto and Naruko’s Rasengans like bubbles, and easily parry Sasuke’s Chidori.

*Whumm!* *Vum!* *Schvrmmm!*

The Sword of the Thunder God hums with vibrant energy on every swing. Then Aoi captures Sasuke with glowing yellow rings of light, lifts the shock-paralyzed Genin into the air, and hurls him aside like a rag doll. “Ha ha hah! Thanks again, Idate-kun! With this, I’m unstoppable!”

“Go, Idate-kun! Finish the race! We’ll hold him off, dattebayo,” Naruto promises while gathering the strength for another Rasengan. “You’re not running away—you’re completing the mission!”

With that reassurance, Idate turns and flees.

“Tch. No matter, I’ll dispose of you all quickly and go after him,” Aoi says with smug certainty.

I step into his path. I’m not the same as I was before. Maybe I’m not an amazing kunoichi like Shino, Tenten, and Sakura, but I’m not a pushover anymore!

Byakugan! Sharingan! Gentle Fist!

While Aoi has the reach advantage with that blade and the speed advantage as a more experienced low-Jonin-level ninja, I can read his movements with supernatural clarity, my reaction time is better than his, and my palms are just as dangerous as his weapon. His eyes grow wider and wider as we exchange blows over and over. He knows that I’ll end the fight in an instant if he makes one mistake.

Naruko and Naruto are up again, hurling themselves at Aoi with Rasengans in hand. All it takes is a flick of his wrist to dispatch them, but he’s feeling the pressure.

Karin doesn’t know Gentle Fist, so there’s not much she can do to help me as far as taijutsu. That’s why, as the Naru-twins prepare for another assault, she exits my body through my bare back and gets some distance before performing another hand sign. It’s a repeat of her Strangling Vines from before, but sometimes the finishing move isn’t a dramatically epic new ninjutsu—sometimes it’s the pebble that tips the scales.

Aoi can’t keep up with two Rasengans, Wood Release vines, and my Sixty-Four Palms. He makes a minor mistake in not getting his hand out of my reach after popping a Naru-Clone. That’s all I need to pierce a wrist-tenketsu with my chakra.

The Lightning sword only flickers, its chakra fuel line destabilized, but the fight is pretty much over. He can’t defend himself properly with an unreliable blade. The next time Strangling Vines grasp at him, his retaliatory strike winks out of existence for the wrong split-second, and a green noose closes around his arm. Karin gives a tug, and Aoi’s sword is out of position when I dart in to deliver the finisher.

“Eight Trigrams: Two Palms! Four Palms! Eight Palms! Sixteen Palms! Thirty-Two Palms! Sixty-Four Palms!”

In a flash, sixty-four of his tenketsu are crippled, and he can no longer properly mold chakra. The Lightning blade shatters, though the vajra is undamaged. Another few strikes to his vitals renders Aoi unconscious.

“Even Hinata-chan…” Sasuke mumbles to himself while rubbing bruises from the fight, barely audible over the cheering crowd.

After the battle, we stripped Aoi to give me something to wear, tied him up, and carried him with us. We eventually found Idate miles ahead of the competition, who’d been drinking and hitting on ladies at a bar after assuming the Wasabi family runner couldn’t possibly get past Aoi. In the end, it wasn’t even a contest.

The finale of the race went off without a hitch, although, incidentally, the Wagarashi family were finally caught cheating and disbanded—so our official mission didn’t matter much. Unofficially, I completed Shino’s secret mission with flying colors!

Idate didn’t seem to mind that, though. In fact, in a huge coincidence, his brother Ibiki happened to be in the area and escorted us back to the Village—the brothers finally reuniting after years apart. Ibiki even seemed proud of what Idate has made of himself. How sweet!

He’s still an idiot, a womanizer, and a whore that touched my beloved Naruto without properly appreciating the glorious gift he was given, but still, how sweet that the brothers are getting along!