Chapter 35: Smells like…
---D-Day+200, Siesic 11th, Wednesday Morning---
---West of Beiguang---
*clackclack* *clipclop* *thun thun*
"Ugh. Can't we just speed-of-plot past these travel scenes?"
Yes, I'm annoyed and being an ass. While Hitomi is happily egging me on.
"Maybe the writer sucks at pacing, Jon-kun?" She's giggling. "Or has an unhealthy slice of life fetish?"
Eyes, do a barrel roll.
Our wuxia wagon train left the capital yesterday. Headed west towards the sect. Sleeping in some village inn last night. And while the hotel action was okay?
"Hmph!"
I'm getting zero carriage sex, again, today. Thanks to one red robed pint sized cock blocker.
Tiang Mulyn Chu.
"Lynlyn, please be nicer to xingan."
Little Li is wasting her breath. This sour puss princess has decided I'm public enemy numero uno.
Mulyn is Li’s younger half-sister. And every bit as annoying as nine year old royalty can be. Sticking to my china girl like glue.
"But big sis, he smells so bad." The black haired brat frowns. "A toad lusting after swan meat." Turns to her older sister. "An unsightly barbarian." Uh oh, she's deployed her brown eyed [Bambi Eyes] technique! "Lili, send him away, please~"
Hehe, this toad has been doing a lot more than just lusting with your favorite swan sister, twerp.
"Lynlyn." My chinese princess switches to lecture mode. "My xingan is not-" Yadda yadda, blah blah, etc etc… Time to tune them out again.
Yesterday, not only did a "retinue" show up. But so did a royal pain in my rear. "Big sister!" Was screamed by a short bolt of silk robes and bobbed hair that wrapped itself around Little Li. Then looked at me like I was the most hated thing on any planet, by little kids. The vile [Mom's New Boyfriend].
Henchman number whatever, said that dragon dad decreed little miss sassy pants would be coming with us. Since she was also joining the North Jade Dragon Palace sect.
…hooray.
Oh well, no biggie. How bad could a spoiled, needy, man-hating "tween" with mommy and daddy issues that's latched onto my xianxia girlfriend as a replacement mother figure be, right?
…
Right?
…
Shit.
Was soon having flashbacks to my past dating single-mom's experiences. Had a few before and between marriages. Chicks with, well, chicks could be rough. The rugrats acting out, worried I was going to take their mommy away. Wasn't too bad after I started having "the talk" with them though.
"Hey kid, listen, you and I have different jobs here. Yours is to give her unconditional love and support. Mine is to fuck her so hard that she can't remember her own name. Let alone yours. Don't worry though. Mommy will be just fine once she can walk straight again. Here, have a beer and watch some nascar. Helps the time pass. Bye kid."
Unfortunately, fantasy china has no nascar. No television. And I didn't bring any beer. Ergo, my quandary.
Of course Mulyn stubbornly refused to ride in a separate carriage. Plus started buttering up my wives and fawning over Red’s prego belly. Can't really kick out Li either since she is, basically, our host.
Sigh…
And while this world has seriously fucked up my "modern morals." They aren't so far gone that I'll fuck my harem in front of a nine year old. Even hummers are a definite no no.
You know, gotta admit, after months of mostly whenever, wherever and however. My dick being dry for hours at a time? Feels kinda weird.
So, our peculiar looking half undead caravan of oversized oriental landships pulled by rhino lizards, snakes its way through an increasingly hilly rocky landscape. Golden wheat fields giving way to emerald pine trees and umber goat herds.
*rumble*
Eh?
A distant boom from over the hill ahead, plus feeling vibrations through the ground, tells us something big is moving.
*roar* *crash*
Or, at least, was. Sounds like that something just unhappily bit the dust. Through [Shadowsight] I see a scout galloping over. He rapidly reports to this convoy's captain. Pointing in the direction of the ruckus. Said captain then drops back beside our super-sized wagon and does the cupped fist thing as we keep rollin'.
*clackclack* *clipclop* *thunthun*
"Taiyi!1Imperial Physician Shangwei2Captain reports!"
I pull the curtains aside, slide open a window in this medieval RV, and look down.
"Yes?" Squirt immediately butts in, "Hmph!" Then Li whines, "Lynlyn…"
Sigh.
"Esteemed Taiyi, daoists were fighting a monster ahead but it has been defeated!"
The well armed and lamellar armored guard leader's voice is sharp and crisp. This batch being a step up from the ones who showed up at the Ling estate, got stupid, and now march with their life-impaired skellie buddies. Regularly getting wary glances from the still breathing yanese.
My new retinue, according to Ji, includes troops from the upper end of Yangxu's imperial guard ranks. Each with a high quality bow and saber on hips. Plus a glaive on their backs.
Every one of them is also a cultivator. The middle-aged veteran looking captain is even in the mid third realm, Foundation Establishment. Much of their gear is "magical" too.
Recall that everything can have mana, called qi over here, pushed into it by its user. Which will enhance its "function." Swords get sharper, lanterns brighter, etc… However, regular items can't handle much before breaking. Literally shattering or crumbling to pieces.
"Magic" items are made of materials that can better channel and handle qi. Like the classic fantasy staple, mithral. Better magic items even have circles or runes built in. Push mana into a sword with an "aspect," and its edge will catch fire. Or ice over. Or glow. Etc, etc…
Now the very best arcane equipment. The outright legendary shit. Goes a step beyond. They not only can channel more qi. But they even generate their own. Actually having a soul. Sort of. My superswords Sanctity and Tormentor being two examples of "living" magic items.
Now the only other living items I've encountered is Jingi, uh, Elder Baiyu's jade sword. You know, the broad that left me hanging during the dock ambush and got booted from the harem. And, ugh, Ding Dong's3Name: Dong Ding | Gender: Male | Race: Human | Culture: Yanese | Height: 6'1" | Age: 16 years | Appearance: Wall of muscle, Simple villager hero | Weapon: Spear(adv) | Daoist: Juqi(Qi Gathering) Houqi(Late-stage) | Harem: Keetu(Little Sister,Beastkin,21), Lykke Molung(Small Sister,Vargskr,16*), Mei Ding(Sister,Yanese,16*), Stina Molung(Big Sister,Vargskr,32), Xiao Su(Elder Sister,Yanese,20), Zhi Qiao(Auntie,Yanese,300*) | Nicknames: Protag, Little brother, Superboy, Justice boy, Kid superman, Moron mountain bronze spear. That musclehead protag with his own harem and a very suspect little sister.
Granted none of my new yanese crew have living items. But they have a surprising number of magic ones. Including some armor. [Super Senses] showing half of them include aspects. Another sign of how capable this bunch is to protect me. Or threaten me.
"Good, thank you for letting me know." Wave at him to carry on and close the window. Blocking the breeze of sweltering air. Don't want to let all the cold out.
Cold?
Yep, while it's in the nineties outside. It's only the sixties in here.
How?
Magic! Was planning to ride the skeleton wagon to the sect. It's pretty comfy and adjustable. Then this six giant wheeled, four rhino-lizard pulled, mobile home rolled up in front of my crib. Bigger than a fucking semitruck. Windows. Doors. Even has a shingled roof!
Little Li says there's only a couple of these and are normally just used by the emperor and crown prince. So of course the thing has AC! So huge it can fit my entire harem plus some servants.
Now this is riding in style-what the fuck?!
"Whoa…" Even sour puss princess is blown away by what we see.
Topping another hill. One with a small valley on the other side. There is a trail of destruction leading north to the horizon. At this end of it, only a few hundred feet from the road, is a warthog the size of a house!
Pumba's bigger, meaner, steroid and growth hormone abusing cousin.
Well, ex-cousin cause it's dead. Deceased. Passed on. Bleeding demised. And there was a hell of a lot of bleeding. Painting the torn up landscape. Crushed boulders. Smashed trees. Gouged earth. Quite the battle here.
Said beast is covered in wounds. And even with a leg chopped off. It still looks ferocious. Massive tusks around its mouth. Gleaming spikes run down its back. Black as midnight fur. What a monster.
"Tiecijia…" Big Ji is shocked. "That is an Ironspine Boar, dashi. Dangerous to even expert daoists."
Everyone is crowding the windows. Staring at the brutal scene in awe. And though the mammoth pig was certainly the loser. The winners don't look in much better shape.
Dozens of daoists surround the corpse. Many wear the blue robes of the North Jade Dragon Palace. The rest in a mix of colors and armor. All dirty, battered, exhausted and injured to one degree or another. The less injured helping the more. Hobbling or carrying to busy healers. Bandages and wraps applied. Pills and potions consumed. Ointments spread.
The convoy captain has ridden over to offer aid. But instead of being welcomed, he is getting brushed off?
"Li?" I ask. "Don't they want help?" Seriously, some of those injuries look pretty bad. And I am, sort of, a doctor.
My china girl acts uncomfortable. "Xingan, all parts of a monster have value. Dividing up a beast, even one that size, among so many will be… difficult." Ah, gotcha. "Accepting aid could imply granting rights to a portion of the prize. Something even honorable daoists are loath to do."
Translation? It's a greed thing.
I go back to people watching. Marveling again at the fantasyness of it all. They fought a four legged two-story house with bows and spears. Those men and women faced death but survived. You can feel their triumph from here. All expressing it with calm satisfaction. Stoic pride.
"Hahaha!"
Well, except that guy. A wall of muscle. Waving his spear around, flexing and bragging to several tired ladies. I think he's even reenacting the fight. Grabs a tusk. Pulling it side to side. What a fucking idio-wait.
Feed more mana into my eyes and ears to zoom in.4Enhance!
"Elder sister, did you see when I ripped that leg off?!"
Oh no. No no no. Why is moron mountain here? Shouldn't he be getting beat up by some elder for raping disciple girls by now?
Somehow her royal twerpness notices the new frown on my face. And who is causing it. She about cackles with glee. "Big sister," points, "look at that mighty daoist over there. The one with the bronze spear. He is so handsome. That is what a real man looks like. We should meet him. Shall I introduce you?"
Being a kid she naturally doesn't notice the temp suddenly drop. The icy glares Mulyn and Ding Dong, still can't believe that's his real name, get from my girls are understandable. That asshole doesn’t understand the word, "no." Especially when spoken by a female thats weaker than him. The "hero" would've raped Ymi if I hadn't kept a living shadow in her shadow.
Dumbass even attacked me when he thought I was cock blocking him. Just a village idiot protagonist surviving on brawn and luck.
"Lynlyn." My xianxia girlfriend's voice has gained a glacial edge. "That daoist is not an honorable person."
The brat is still oblivious and replies. "How can that be true? Look at how heroic he-"
Of course a horny mutt like Dong noticed that pretty women were watching him from the inside of a stupidly expensive looking carriage. And naturally he knows it must be hard to see him across a football field's worth of torn up turf.
So what does a simple minded jock like him do? Find higher ground for the ladies to see him better of course. Like the two-story tall critter corpse right behind him.
While the sour puss princess blathers away, ignoring her increasingly angry audience. Superboy leaps into the air and lands on top of the giant pig in a single bound. Thrusting out his chest. Holding up his spear. And stomping on the carcass, with a heavy sandaled qi-enhanced foot, to create a heroic looking pose.
Sadly forgetting that while death does end life. It doesn't instantly cease all of life’s biological processes. Like digestion.
*THPPTPHTPHPHHPH*
And flatulence.
Explosively expanding from the jumbo ex-warthog's butt. A "brown" cloud engulfs the surroundings in a thick sticky turdish haze.
"My eyes!" *blegh* "It's in my mouth!" *cough* "Get it off!"
An area which just so happens to include dozens of now coughing, puking and stumbling daoists. Crashing into each other as they try to escape the filthy fart fog.
"Brother!" *ick* "My hair!"
Including the idiot's harem.
"-is?" Mulyn's latest attempt to get under my skin turns into a question mark as an odorous catastrophe unfolds before our eyes. Silence filling the carriage as the smelly disaster turns the air and mood.
*gallop*
Narrowly avoiding a stinky doom. Fast acting convoy captain returns riding at full speed. "Move!" He yells at the caravan.
*clackclackclack* *thunthunthun*
The chain of wagons. Which had slowed down to rubbernecking a car accident speeds.5As in way to fucking slow! Some of us have jobs that we actually have to go to! Suddenly accelerates. None of the carriage drivers wanting to share the same fetid fate as those courageous cultivators.
I salute and send a prayer to the fallen. "Vaya con dios, my friends."
While most of my women stare in horror at the scene. A certain half-japanese half-dark-elf spouse smirks, shares a glance with me, and loudly asks. "Still want to meet your hero, little princess?"
*shake*
Mulyn, frantically shaking her head "no," retreats even closer to big sister Little Li. Acting like she’s now feeling somewhat nauseous herself.
Ha! That's what we thought.
You little shit.