Chapter 34: A Little Bit
---D-Day+198, Siesic 9th, Monday Evening---
---Beiguang, Lanyun Palace---
A little earlier.
High above the capital of Yangxu, dark turbulent storm clouds roil and clash. Updrafts carry water vapor tens of thousands of feet into the sky. As downdrafts also make frozen moisture plummet.
Tearing past each other, electrons shear away. Building up in the air. Creating a negative charge. Which spreads, becoming bigger and denser. Eventually cascading to the ground below. Touching the positively charged earth and
*KRAKOW*
A blinding flash and shock wave explodes from the connection. Air momentarily heats up to fifty thousand degrees as one billion volts discharge into
*FOOZH*
A floating paper talisman infused with draconic characters. Acting like a magical lightning rod, it bursts into flame. Bravely facing heaven's wrath. Sacrificing itself to protect.
*cough* *cough*
Burnt bacon. A six foot long, three hundred pound, sprawled on the ground, overcooked thanksgiving day turkey. Who is currently reevaluating his life choices as puss and blood ooze up through cracks in scorched black flesh.
Quickly one of his devoted lovers dashes over. A d-cupped japanese dark-elf bride leans in, cautiously inspecting her beloved husband's burned body.
*jab*
And pokes it with a stick.
“Ow, stop it.” Is muttered through charred cracked lips.
*poke*
“Ow, stop it.”
*prod*
“Ow, Hitomi, stop it.” I whine.
"Jon-kun, where did your eyebrows go?" She asks far too innocently.
"Hitomi…"
"Jon-kun, where did your hair go?"
"Hitomi."
"Jon-kun, why do you smell like bacon?"
Sigh. Fine, I'm just going to quietly lay here until the universe apologizes.
"Jon-kun? … Jon-kun? Jon-kun?! JON-KUN?!"
"What, Hitomi?" And there goes more of my blood. Squirting onto the ground. "What?!"
"Danger zone~"
Ugh. Kill me now. Though this is probably my own fault for helping her remember Archer. Good show. But not the most sympathetic program.
*rumble*
Oh, fuck off.
The first bolt was bad. Not gonna lie. Took out a bunch of protection talismans and turned me extra crispy. Fortunately, only a couple since have been big enough to char. The rest? Like licking a battery.
Memo to self: don't tease the heavens. It no like it.
“Pffft.” Of course the snickering Hitomi can’t stop herself. “Oh, oh." Of course there's more. "Guess you were, thunderstruck.”
Sadly, at the moment, I can't squint. Can’t scowl. Or make any recognizable facial expression. I’m like a miami trophy wife after a big box store botox treatment.
“Hush, Hitomi.”
No wonder most folks stop at Foundation Establishment. This shit fucking hurts, man.
Oh good, here come more ladies. They'll get ninja-wife to behave.
*poke* *poke* *poke*
Goddammit.
…
A little later.
"No."
[Recovery Magic] used? Check. Eyebrows regrown? Check. Squishy skin again instead of charcoal? Check. Naughty women punished with a hard spank? Check. Avoided elf eunuch alchemist who came running during the light show?
"Yes," he says with his alto voice.
Not check.
"No," I reply with my baritone.
The too tall Lurch in the black and blue robes of a North Jade Dragon Palace sect elder stares at me with his uncanny valley angular elven facial features and confidently replies to my reply.
"Yes."
"How can you not hear with ears that big?" No way, I'm not falling for that again. "I said, no."
We're facing off in the same hall the crown prince threatened Li in. The doors haven't been replaced yet. Elder Qinxin has a pill in his hand that he really wants me to take. But considering the last time I took a breakthrough pill from him I nearly fucked my harem to death?
No thank you.
"Yes."
"Grrr, no."
"Yes."
"That is a breakthrough pill, correct?"
"Yes."
"And I have already broken through, correct?"
"Yes."
"Then why do I need to take a breakthrough pill?"
"...Yes."
*stare*
Point at the exit behind him. "Out!"
…
A little after later.
*rub*
"Mm… That feels good Frankie."
Back in my xianxia shag pad. The ladies are spread about our room in various nightwear. Some are passed out. Others meditate on the dao. Maintain gear. Play a board game with little round black and white stones. Practice reading and writing. Or, in Ji's case, strum a zither looking thing.
*pop*
"Yeeeah, that's the spot."
While priest-wife and Lula massage the hell out of me. Rubbing and kneading a smells like Vicks ointment into my tender skin and sore muscles.
It's peaceful. Downright harmonious.
"I would speak with you, Badun Yuehan."
So, naturally, it doesn't last.
Reluctantly turn my head and see… the villain from every kung fu movie ever made. Or that emperor guy from Queen's Flash Gordon movie. Potayto potahto. Except he's a glowing ghost and standing on the balcony. Is this like that scene in the star wars movie?
"Obi-wan? Is that you? Am I supposed to turn off the targeting computer now?"
He raises an eyebrow.
"Are you mocking me?"
Lift my hand, pinching my finger and thumb together.
"A little bit."
Can't say I'm really worried. He may have somehow snuck through all my guards and wards but I've got a fucking undead army ready to attack the moment he pulls any shit. So I continue.
"And who be you?"
Even as a phantasm this guy oozes, like, kingliness or something.
"Li'er and Ji’er’s father."
Huh? Turn my head the other way to get confirmation. But Little Li is asleep, drooling a bit. While Big Ji is… kowtowing towards ghost guy. Forehead touching the floor. Refusing to look up. Well, guess that's a 'yes.'
The rest of the harem is confused. Glancing my way. Should they be groveling too? Shake my head 'no' and face peeping tom’s way again. Not even bothering to get up. Still laying on the cushioned bench thing as Frankie and Lula go back to rubbing me.
"Couldn't use the front door?"
He snorts. "I am a daoist of the ninth realm. Approaching immortality after centuries of effort. You are an outworlder who nearly killed my brother and cares little for rank or class." Raises an eyebrow. "Do you believe this huangdi is a fool?"
Ghost boy's bald with glowing green eyes. But he's also got a good point. Lift a hand again and wave.
"Okay okay, fine, I get it."
Mister, probably, astral projection is checking out my harem and nodding to himself.
"Mm… You have good taste. I approve." Actually this all just sort of, uh, happened. It wasn't intentional. "I once filled my harem with exotic foreign beauties, two hundred some years ago." Rolls his eyes. "Became such a hassle though. The clans were terribly jealous." Looks nostalgic. "So many poisonings."
My women are eyeing his imperial majesty-ness suspiciously. And I'm not sure what to say.
"Okay…"
He focuses back on me.
"Enlighten this emperor, junfei. What are your plans?"
Peek at Ji, whose face is still on the floor. "I'm looking for the allfather." Thumb. "Didn't they tell you?"
"Li'er did." Ghost guy nods. "What my daughter did not say, however. Was what you would do after finding the deity."
Ponder for a moment. What does he think I'm going to do? Ask for his autograph?
"I will find out if he's responsible for my kidnapping. And if he is?" Duh duh, duuuuh! "Stop him."
For starters at least. This planet is an isekai magnet. May need to dig deeper and figure out how to shut it all down. Really gotta find the divine daddio first though. I think.
Li's dad is looking at me like I'm an idiot. He’s amused? I don't like that look. Hey, was that an eyeroll?
Sigh. "Badun Yuehan, fate has marked you a hero. So, while outrageous? Your deeds are still within the known realms of possibility." Dismissively waves a hand. "But defeating a divine being as a mortal?" Shakes his head. "Impossible."
Now wait just a gosh darn minute.
"Didn't the wizkids, uh, wizard kings, whatever, kill gods during that war?"
Phantom nods like a teacher whose dumbest student just guessed the right answer.
"Indeed, the Sorcerer Lords of the Wizard Wars did kill gods. However, they had already stepped into divinity. Their complete mastery of Elemental Magic made them quasi-demigods." There's that eyebrow again. "Do you envision yourself becoming an arch grandmaster elementalist, junfei?"
Mother fucker. That douchebag is calling me stupid. But, well, never been a big fan of school. Plus the 3431Volume 2: Chapter 33 incident made it clear that my Earth education isn’t, exactly, 'transferable.' Always been more of a 'learn by doing' type anyway.
So, thbbpt!
"And your fix for this problem is…" Not saying I'm buying but you at least have my attention.
Emperor dude points upward. "Immortality. Create your own dao and achieve the upper kingdom."
Oh right, uh, the yanese call this world the 'middle' kingdom. No surprise. The hobbit place was called middle earth, right? I figure the 'upper' kingdom is their version of heaven. While the supposed immortals probably just live on top of really tall mountains.
And daoists follow the Way of Immortality2Xiandao until the ninth realm. When they create their own dao before facing the ‘final tribulation.’
Ha! Whatever. I'll believe it when I see it. But creating my own dao?
"Thanks but that seems like it'll take a really long time. Can't I just, you know, climb a mountain and talk to the hermit dudes myself?" Or fly up there. I've got a dragon.
What’s the skeptical look for? "Absorbing celestial qi is far more challenging than worldly qi. As is using it. That is why comprehending a will, then its intent and finally their law is so important." Opens his palms like a double door. "It becomes your gateway for the breath of eternity."
Huangdi gets a thoughtful look before talking more.
"Your ridiculous lower dantian and dual-cultivation art should allow you to progress quickly. Perhaps jump entire realms." Raises a finger. "However, your own dao is crucial. That cannot be avoided."
Uh-huh. "And what are you offering?"
"Some benefits you have already received." Is that a smirk? "This palace will remain yours. As will its staff." Points at a fancy dark blue robe hanging by the doors with that bird in a square I got from the prince now sewn on it. "The rank of Yinzhi3Silver Pheasant in the bureaucracy will stop many enemies. As will the title of imperial physician."
I'm frowning. Not impressed since this what I'm getting already. But wait, there's more!
"Elder Qinxin has agreed to monitor your progress and provide pills or elixirs as needed." Ah. So was that what that was about? "Additionally you will receive the Tiang Scriptures. Assembled notes from generations of royal daoists. Providing numerous insights on their xiandao, the daos they created and how they did it."
So performance enhancing drugs and cliffsnotes? You know, that could be pretty handy.
Sit up on the bench. Earning pouts from Frankie and Lula as I squint at ghost guy.
"And how much is this going to cost?"
Another smirk as he sips ghost tea. Wait, ghost tea? "The path to infinity is dangerous. Even minor… miscalculations may be crippling. The closer to your destination the greater the risk becomes." His phantom cup disappears. "Your talent for healing, whether intended or not, is unmatched." Waves dismissively. "Go to the Beyulongong. Fight. Fuck. Cultivate." A finger again. "But if my airship arrives? You will board it and return, at once." Eyebrow of evil. "Agreed?"
Don't really have any other plans right now. Sure as hell don't want to spend the next hundred years here. So anything that speeds that process along? Had pondered keeping the King of Tourin alive to help them before Stormgarde kicked me out. So why not do it here instead?
Hmm… fuck it.
"Sure, you've got a deal."
*phantom clap*
"Excellent, enjoy your evening." Starts to turn but stops. "Yes, your retinue will join you tomorrow."
"Uh… retinue?"
"Surely you do not expect me to just take your word for it." Smirkity McSmirkface. "They will accompany you on your travels. Providing assistance and ensuring you honor our accord."
Shrug. "Fine, whatever, but if they ogle my women? Get handsy? I'm gonna cut their hearts out, with a spoon4Because it's dull you twit. It'll hurt more." He smiles and nods. "Oh, and any dao suggestions? Like the sword or something?"
Emperor guy chuckles before answering.
"The dao of the sword is quite popular. As is the dao of the spear." Notice him beginning to fade. Becoming more and more see through. "Although," pans across my harem, "considering your lifestyle choices. Perhaps the dao of the dick best suits you. As it is clearly your weapon of choice."
Channel my inner Buzz. "You're mocking me, aren't you."
Just before fading away completely. He raises a hand. Pinching a thumb and finger together.
"A little bit."