Chapter 4: Kung Fu Fighting
---D-Day+112, Dherus 19th, Wednesday Morning---
---Jinshibo, Kung Fu Gym---
‘Wait, I know you…’
Is what I think as I’m standing in the corner of a martial arts gym. That the yanese princess, Tiang Li Zexi, led me too inside the Jinshibo. A giant “junk” looking treasure ship that could be right out of China’s imperial past.
Including my oriental princess, eighteen women chose to follow me on a transoceanic voyage to distant “Luyan.”
Which is this world’s medieval China analog and where those xianxia stories are actually real. Supposedly. The trip is also part of my quest to “git gud,” and find the bastard who tried to isekai my son.
Frankie, my now half tourinese half dark-elf second wife, tried to summon my boy. But after demons hijacked the ritual? Got me instead.
After having my soul, uh, soulnapped. And getting stuck in a body young enough to be my son, or even grandson. I’ve spent the last three months trying to get my bearings in this shitty medieval fantasy world and start my zero to hero training montage.
Which has not gone anything like I planned but, along the way? Became a probably decent “swordmage” and sort of okay “necromancer.” Hard to tell though since this is no litrpg. There’s no screens with stats, skills, or levels to check. Not even a fucking inventory. And, of course, storage magic doesn’t exist here either.
Just swell.
Still, I’m alive and the ones who wanted me to not be? Aren’t.
Must be doing something right.
Oh, and also had a lot more sex than is probably, physically or emotionally, healthy.
Admit I was no casanova back home. Had my share of relationships and was mostly used to their, “baggage.” I’m even decades into a second marriage.
But, holy shit, never met anyone with the mountains of mental luggage women in this isekai hellhole are dragging around. Christ, what some of these girls have been through? Makes most ryona hentai look downright tame in comparison.
Hell, only been a couple months and already gone through a lot, like a lot a lot, with my “harem.” Even watched five of them die, deaths they didn’t deserve. The one I killed myself though? Did.
My short time at isekai hogwarts turned out to be a bust. Improved, but never got the training I really needed. There are no known swordmages to learn from and necromancy is a taboo art.
The first necromancer I found was killed by the church. While the two [Dark School] instructors I went through at Stormgarde? Wanted to control me more than teach me.
So I’m bailing on magic schools and trying xianxia sects instead.
Fingers crossed.
Which has led me to this oriental Love Boat’s kung fu exercise room. With a super tall guy standing in front of me. And, as a mature adult, I really want to ask how the weather is up there.
‘Feel like Bruce Lee versus Kareem Abdul-Jabbar in Game of Death.’
There’s dozens of sect disciples, dressed in blue daoist robes, shouting, punching, and kicking, their little dao hearts out. And many of them do not look chinese-er, I mean, yanese.
Humans with african, arabian, mediterranean, and polynesian, features make up the majority. Along with a sprinkling of short dwarves, tall elves, and hairy beastkin. All looking in their teens. All acting super serious.
“““Ha!””” “Shou!” “““Hiyah!””” “Jiao!” “““Ha!”””
Yeah, it’s pretty loud in here.
Four elders have divided the room into quadrants. Each has two disciple assistants instructing around a dozen “potential” disciples. Well, three out of four do.
One corner has its occupants lined up and shouting as they punch and kick. The second has their trainees sparing. Hand to hand. Number three’s split into two groups. Half practicing with wooden swords. Other half with wooden spears.
Core Elder Baiyu’s quarter though? Pretty empty when we walked in. Just her, the twins, and the potential recruit, fox girl. She’s looking at books, learning to read yanese. Something I’ll have to do too.
Thought driving off elder old dirty bastard would give everyone else the hint to leave my women alone. Fortunately, or unfortunately, the next nosy elder seemed more interested in me than the girls.
Eww…
And he didn’t come alone. There is a woman beside him. A mature beauty with hazel eyes, chestnut hair, and fair skin. A bit shorter than me with an hourglass figure, DD-cup breasts, and a plump butt to match.
Tourinese, with a silver black medieval cleavage highlighting and curve hugging shoulderless dress. Only wearing a few pieces of jewelry. [Super Senses] tells me each has a different magical effect.
‘That’s Hitomi’s friend from dinner last night.’
At first I thought it was one of the Aquecian Heroes “shades.” Secret agents who were mostly recruited by my japanese girlfriend. Before her frenemy, Ide Maki, the Witch, stole their loyalty out from under her nose.
But Hitomi always treats those as juniors. Kohai. Even those older than her. Like Milti’s dad. This woman? JK girl treats her like a senior. A senpai.
My half japanese half dark-elf fourth wife stands and bows deeply before speaking to her.
“Konnichi wa Baschion-sama.”
Baschion, in turn, smiles at Hitomi.
“Greetings Lady Chigusa.” A fan appears in a fair skinned hand and covers her mouth. “Excuse me, it is Lady Barton now. Is it not?” Hitomi blushes and caresses her ring with a thumb. “Congratulations.”
Looks about to say more but stops and shifts to me. Gives a well practiced curtsy bow. Lifting the sides of her gown before speaking.
“Salutations, Viscount Barton. This humble self is Isueda Baschion.” The fan covers her face again. Except for those pretty hazel eyes. “Your wife and I met at one of my establishments. The Knight Maiden’s Parlour.”
Scrunch my eyebrows.
“And why is a Raeleran bath owner on a boat sailing for Luyan?”
She snickers lightly.
“Hihi. Lord Barton, I have many… interests. One being alchemical ingredients.” She motions to the elf. “Master Alchemist Qinxin Methil Alre Heiris is a dear friend and asked me to accompany a special shipment.”
The towering elf next to her is still facing me. He’s got an old mug, plenty of wrinkles. With the same angular facial features many pure blood elves have. However, most of his long golden hair is tied up in a topknot. Black and blue daoist robes with yellow collars and edging declare he is a core elder.
Gotta be at least seven feet tall. And standing completely still. If it wasn’t for [Super Senses]? Couldn’t even tell he’s breathing.
Eyes with metallic yellow irises glare down at me like they’re trying to peel open my soul. But I’ve been condensing my aura for so long? It's like steel. Can feel his astral claws sliding off. Unable to get a grip.
Amber eyebrows lift in surprise before scowling. Can tell he’s about to try again when kung fu queen interrupts.
“Hexin Lao Qinxin Methil Alre.” He’s still facing me but those golden eyes pivot to where she’s sitting. “Surely a Master Alchemist of our North Jade Dragon Palace, and leader of the Alchemy Club, is not offending a guest of the Emperor.”
Hear a snort from the looming spock wannabe. The voice doesn’t sound right though. It's too high pitched. Does not at all fit someone that freaking tall.
“Lao Baiyu, of course a soul as gentle as mine would never touch the dragon’s reverse scale.” Amber orbs turn back to me. “Junfei Barton, I hereby grant an open invitation from the Dandao She, to you.”
“Okay…”
I look at Little Li. Who is blushing after hearing me called her lord consort again.
“Oh, uh, the Dandao She is the sect’s alchemy club.” My yanese princess nods. “They produce pills, elixirs, and research new recipes.”
Think to myself.
‘Huh. That could be a good thing. If I take this cultivation stuff seriously.’
Look back up at lurch but he’s already turning and walking away to his corner. Followed by Isueda. Thanks to [Super Senses] their very quiet whispers come through loud and clear.
“Well Methil? Do we have an accord?”
“As always, woman, you overstep your bounds. However, to have a student with that much potential? Hmm… Very well, we have an accord.”
Sigh…
‘Why these fucks always gotta be scheming?’
Big Ji completely misunderstands my sigh and tries to comfort me.
“Please do not be concerned, dashi.” Crosses hands in front of her crotch. “Core Elder Qinxin is a huanguan. Uh, a eunuch.” Then pats my shoulder. “Your rear is safe.”
‘What the fuck are you talking about woman. Wait, really?’
And like an idiot. Before any “hold up there” could stop me. Simply wanting to verify the older sister’s claim. I aim, still at full power, [Super Senses] somewhere it should never be aimed.
…
‘AAAHHHHHH!!!’
…
You ever watch that first Indiana Jones movie? The part when they pop the top on the ark of the covenant and the nazi’s faces go all melty?
Well that’s me right now.1https://youtu.be/YcR9k8o4I0w?t=76
You ever watch that first Ace Ventura movie? The part after he realizes Einhorn is Finkle?
Well that’s going to be me right after now.2https://youtu.be/GBDccNtBF8k?t=106
‘Eww! Gross! Augh! So wrong! Why god, why?! Bleach! Must bleach my brain!’ Feel a shiver in my very soul. ‘Those scars… A meat market with no sausage or paper bags. No jewels at the jewelers. Just a hole where once was…’
“Dashi?” Big Ji grabs my arm. “Are you alright? Your eyes have gone all bulgy. And your face. So pale.”
My reply is hollow, dead, like my soul.
“I’m fine Ji. Would gouge out my eyes. But it's too late for that now. Far too late.”
Chantless cast [Kiss of Grannus] and [Aid of Ourai].
Ohh… Yeah, I so needed that.
Grannus to sooth my injured mind. Ourai to warm my chilled soul.
‘Memo to self: Don’t EVER do that again!’
Yes, I had noticed dudeless dudes before. But never in 4K 3D Catscan like detail.
*shudder*
Jesus, sure as fuck hope they don’t do the foot binding thing too. Might go on a murder spree. Don’t give a fuck if its your culture or not. Yes I’m biased. Fuck you too!
A shout interrupts my brooding.
"Dizi Yamabe Sayuri!"
Huh? Oh. It's the walking young master trope from last night's dinner. The frog lusting after my swan, Little Li.
Now that I know what to look for. See he is an inner disciple. Not really good at reading their strength yet though. Uh… He’s Foundation Establishment I think?
Fox girl turns and kowtows to him. Responding in yanese.
The arrogant frog has a sneer on his face the whole time.
Fortunately Big Ji is still in translator mode.
“Dashi, Inner Disciple Huang Yazu wants to trade pointers, uh, spar with Potential Disciple Yamabe Sayuri.” Waits for a moment while the chat continues. “Disciple Yamabe has agreed and they will use practice swords.”
‘Well that’s just stupid.’
As the center of the room clears and both put on some padding. I side-eye kung fu queen.
“Why are you letting this happen?” She raises an eyebrow. “Even I can tell he is way out of her league. She’s still in realm one and he is, what, realm three? Isn’t this just bullying?”
Baiyu tilts her head before replying.
“Disciple Yamabe is only in the Body Refining realm. And Disciple Huang is in the Foundation Establishment realm. However, my own disciples are far too advanced.” Shrugs. “He is a far better whetstone for her.”
Ji squeezes my hand and whispers.
“Huang Yazu is a member of the young masters faction.” Hugs my arm. “They believe women should not be allowed to be daoists. He has long hunted Xiao Li but she rebukes him.” Cheek rubs my shoulder. “Princess Li joined a women only group. Elder Baiyu’s group.” A sigh. “Since the young master cannot defeat the Elder nor her Disciples?”
‘Ah.’
“He takes it out on the only one he can beat.” Thinking. “But why not challenge Li herself?”
Ji snickers.
“Xixi. This young master of the Huang clan is not that bold.” Blows on my neck. “If he wins? Xiao Li may hate him.” Fingers on her mouth and snickers again. “Xixi. And if he loses? He will have no face left to face her with.”
‘Face? Oh, right, that honor pride stuff.’
Fox and frog face off in the middle of the room. Most ignore them but a couple are watching. Some even shake their heads and turn away. Like this is a… regular event?
Hmm…
Take a closer look at fox girl and do not like what I see.
'Jesus, she's covered in bruises. Signs of broken bones too. Most within the last month or so. But plenty prior too.'
Sigh. Looking around I see lots of injuries among the recruits. But these look more routine. Kids just pushing themselves way too hard. Chasing their dao dreams.
Foxy's recent ones include those too. But there is more damage. Injuries that look, well, targeted. Aiming for the most pain. Not healed well either.
Frankly? I'm impressed the girl can stand.
Both now wear some loose padding over their robes and hold wood swords. Heavy looking ones.
Two-hand the hilts and completely focused on each other.
"Hiyah!"
Fox starts with a shout and thrust frog easily deflects. Responding with a swing that hammers her side. Almost knocking foxy over.
"Oof…"
Frog leers at her and says something clearly inappropriate. At least judging from the reactions of the women watching.
"Ha!"
Fox ignores him, shouts and sweeps at his legs. This time Frog blocks and with little effort pushes her back.
The silent frog thrusts this time. Which foxy barely manages to deflect. Earning a snort from the toad.
Back and forth they go. Fox girl never landing a hit. Enduring frog’s punishing blows and insulting words. She holds up pretty well. But even wood swords can cut and blood stains her robes.
*pant* *pant*
The vulpine is sweating and breathing hard. Arms and legs shaking from exhaustion. But she still goes back to her starting form. Another snide comment from the slimy amphibian. Even getting a couple laughs from the male watchers. Foxy’s reply turns everything still. Even disciples who weren’t paying attention before. Look over with eyebrows raised.
I check in with translator Ji.
“Disciple Huang said Disciple Yamabe should accept that the right place for her to pant is in his bed.” Ouch. “Disciple Yamabe replied, there is no reason to be in the bed of a stepping stone.”
‘Burn. Nice one foxy.’
Big Ji sighs and shakes her head.
“Ji?”
“She should not have said that, dashi.” Squeezes my arm. “By insulting the young master she has given him an excuse to injure her. Severely.”
…
‘Fuck.’
Back in the action, frog asks her a question. As if confirming what she said. Fox’s eyes go wide for a moment. Maybe she didn’t mean to say it out loud? But she resolves herself and simply nods.
The smirk on toad’s face turns ugly.
“Changshi zai ci zhihou caita.”
Several feel qi stirring. While the other moves were just going through the motions? Frog is about to use an actual technique. Little Li notices too and starts running towards fox girl.
“No!”
[Xueruo Ji]
The princess’s shout is ignored as toad’s now slightly glowing wooden sword thrusts forward. Foxy attempts to deflect but fails and the tip rams into her stomach. Practice blade twisting as it's pushed. Like a screw.
Padding keeps the wood from penetrating the skin but you can see the impact reverberate through the beastkin.
*blergh*
Wood is jerked back out, tearing off some quilting, and fox vomits blood. A lot of blood. Collapsing to the floor.
*grab*
My yanese princess catches foxy before she hits. Getting blood all over her blue robes. Younger sister looks up at frog in a rage and venomously says.
“Ni xiuru ni de zuxian!”
Whatever that meant? Pisses off the young master even more and he reaches down to grab my woman.
‘Yeah, I don’t think so.’
*woosh*
Robes and banners billow and blow as I unleash my aura. Filling the room with an oppressive weight and locking everyone in place.
Hundreds of living shadows flood the space. Floating, swirling, and swimming about, through, and around like sharks hunting their next meal. Even my shadow dragon, Frazur, has come out. Though he stays up by the ceiling. Circling around and around.
All four elders break the movement seal, stand and or turn to face me. One surprised, two shocked, and the fourth? Smiling with maniacal glee.
‘Yeah, that elf is gonna be a pain.’
But none of them makes any move to stop me. Simply stand there, mustering their qi, and observing.
Frog’s eyes focus on me. His teeth grind and whole body trembles as he tries to break through the aura restricting him.
‘He still looks peeved. Well, let's make things nice and sparkling clear.’
Add some qi to the vocal cords…
“Touch her and I will feast on your soul!”
Hmm…
Too subtle?
Baschion, Isueda (female, human, tourinese)
Huang, Yazu Tai (male, human, yanese)
Qinxin, Methil Alre Heiris (male, elf, elluinian)
Yamabe, Sayuri (female, beastkin(fox(huyao)), nandao)