Chapter 12: Whats Goin On
---D-Day+76, Daroine 15th---
*clack* *click* *clack*
“The Wellspring of Souls?”
*mwah*
“Burning Lair?”
*schlurp* *purr*
“Oh fuck.”
*chu*
“The Mad Vault of Crimylian?”
*purr* *schlop*
“Oh… yeah...”
*byuku*
“Maybe the Vanished Crypt?”
*clack* *click* *clack*
If it’s not obvious yet, harem +1 and I are just about out of the “The Fallen Labyrinth of Qrephine.” Riding my caddie, a skeleton carriage. Though maybe I should start calling it my pimp wagon. Since I’m also riding my harem.
Hitomi and Mila were hungry. So I’m doing the responsible thing and feeding them. It can be tough to be a gentleman at times. But some sacrifices are worth it.
And while they are enjoying their meal? The rest of my ladies are discussing our next step. Finding the divine daddio. Suspect numero uno on my “douchebag that summoned me” list.
Okay, so it's a short list. Like he’s the only one on it. But it's still a list!
While the different churches each have their own spin on it? Gist of it is that the end of the war between the gods and dragons, thousands of years ago, saw the fall of the gods’ leader. The “father” of most of the gods. Even having kids, with his kids.
Some sick shit in those holy histories.
Well his familia finally got fed up with his ass and turned on him. Leaving him on the edge of death and buried somewhere. Somewhere deep and dark. Yep, the prevailing opinion is that the first god of Ipra is locked up at the bottom of a dungeon.
Which dungeon, exactly, no one has figured out yet.
Feel like my 343rd ranking on the entrance exams all over again. I just don’t know a lot about this world. Yeah. Was a bit of a history buff back home but I had decades, libraries, cable tv, games, and the internet to help me.
Here?
Two months, some books, and my ladies. So. Uh. Not gonna be a lot of help. But when I’ve got brainy ladies like Frankie, Lili, Odaline, and Simone? Plus the Guild and Stormgarde to help? Things aren’t completely bleak.
Now I’m not saying Blue and Red are dumb. They just aren’t as “worldly” as my other wives. Oh, and speaking of Red.
*blegh* *cough* *blegh*
Morning sickness has arrived! About when it should too. So glad I was born with balls.
*blegh*
It's okay, she’s got a bucket. Though she’s missed the target, a couple of times. Being in a rocking carriage for almost two days now certainly hasn’t helped. Yep, we are pushing straight through and Red understands. We’ll never get back in time if we stop and camp to sleep.
And my little ladies really don’t want to miss their first day of school.
Huh.
Yeah. That does not sound right.
“[Embrace of Hygieia]”
At least I’ve got plenty of mana to keep cleaning up after her. Magic rocks.
“Where did all these unfortunates come from?”
Blue’s question echoes my pondering. For a bit now I’ve been seeing lots of peasant looking folks moving around on both sides of our path.
“Refugees.” Lili answers. “Our Lord’s excursion has resulted in a uniquely large harvest.” A goldrush? “It will take weeks to months for the monstrous populations to adjust and recover.”
Frankie chimes in. “Until then, Sister Aliote, this dungeon is an open mint for House Chastel.” She looks sadly at the tattered masses drudging through the tunnels. “Refugees are a cheap and sadly plentiful source of labor.”
Must be hundreds. Maybe thousands. Can see through shadows that some are terrified of my undead legions marching by. Most though seem too tired and worn out to care.
They wear little more than rags and those who are not carrying goods are working on the piles of corpses. Incidentally, dried and crushed into a powder, gobin balls are sold as a pecker pepper upper. Keeps your willy willing and able for hours.
Ahem. At least that’s what I heard. From your father’s brother’s nephew’s cousin’s former roommate.
Sigh.
No one back home is ever going to believe this.
Finally can scratch “drive passed piles of castrated goblins” off my bucket list. Other parts are being cut out too, like the eyes and livers. As a guy though? I sympathize with losing that part of the anatomy the most.
Ouch...
Oh well, at least I’m making lots of cash too. And I’m already loaded from the dragon corpses and isekai ER. In fact everyone is making a bundle off this. Hopefully this doesn’t cause inflationary or deflationary pressures on the local economy.
Yep, saw something about that on the History Channel once. No idea what it means but it was on TV so it was probably important.
~Master.~
An emotionless and voiceless voice whispers in my mind.
~Yes Rowl?~
~There are warriors outside. Over a hundred.~
Sigh.
~Templars?~
~ No Master. House Chastel knights and infantry.~ Eh? ~The duchess is with them.~
Now that seems weird. The duchy’s capital is only a couple days away though. And we’ve been here for six days. Really doubt they would risk all this money they are making by starting shit here.
So why…
My legion being, well, dead. Means I don’t have to worry about pushing them too hard. My skellies can at least jog almost non stop. As long as their mana holds out of course.
This gives me a huge strategic advantage over “living” enemies. Yeah, well organized troops can move faster for longer than civilians. But they still need to eat and sleep.
And mine don’t.
Which is why I made my caddies extra comfy and roomy. Pretty much medieval RV’s. So the living, like me, can keep up in style. Wonder if I could add a second floor.
Oh… Feel that breeze! Hallelujah! The temperature climbing up from floor forty feels like it's dropped forty degrees. The humidity now? Downright reasonable again.
We enter the wide, well lit, and well maintained, final passage out. The noise our carriages’ wheels and skellie legion’s boots make, changes as we cross from dirt and rock to paving stone.
Wow. So that’s what sunlight looks like. Almost forgot. But what’s with all the gleaming- oh.
Alongside our route, like VIP’s watching a parade, is a whole lot of shiny metal. Mounted knights wearing their flashiest best and veteran looking guardsmen standing at some sort of attention. Lots of spears, lances, swords, and pole axes.
What is she doing-
“Mother?!”
Yep, Blue sees her mom right up close, in front of the troops. A few other “dressed like nobles” are with her.
With a thought I ease my undead brigade to a halt so my carriage stops alongside the duchess.
This milf version of Blue is sitting sidesaddle on a fancy white horse with all the shiny bits and bobs you expect from a higher ranking noble.
“My darling!”
Who, me?
Duchess, uh, Meli-something shouts as she slides off the saddle and runs towards the carriage. With the biggest damn smile on her face. Kind of impressive that she can move that fast with that fancy dress on.
Me?
I’m staring at her like an idiot.
What else would you expect? First time I met this bitch she was trying to talk her daughter, Blue, into leaving me. Even tried to use [Charm Magic] on her. And of course her hubby was the one who teamed up with the church to try and assassinate Hitomi and me.
So, no reason for her to act this friendly. Or loving.
Not-sebastian appears next to the carriage and smoothly opens the door in time for Blue’s mommy dearest to spring up the steps. While I’m still wondering if she’s going to stab me? Mommy duke straddles me instead. Impressive move for a lady dressed that uncomfortably.
Even manages to avoid colliding with Mila, who is still on her knees, by vaulting her. Earning Meli-something one hell of a dirty look from her.
Hitomi takes her chances at a second course being robbed much better than Mila and slides back on to the bench next to me. Settling in to keep an eye on our guest and a hand on her dagger.
“Oomph.”
Grunt as duchess lands. She does have some meat on them bones. But it's all in the right places, T&A, so still win in my book.
*mwah* *mwah* *schlurp*
What the-
“Mother!”
Blue’s panicking. Well, duh, her mom is french kissing her husband. A particular kink I don’t think she’s into. Now I’m flexible but busy, using [Super Senses] to taste for poison and any knives appearing in my back.
“Stop.”
One word from me is all it takes to end mommy dearest’s surprise makeout session. She leans back on her haunches and I see the boobs have already been set free. They are even swinging from side to side a little. Tempting me to see what flavor is on tap today.
Maybe a taste test wouldn’t be so-
“Bitch.”
A word from Mila, as she grudgingly surrenders her meal and finds a seat, wakes me up. Blue looks to be in full conniption fit mode and is being completely ignored by her mother.
Would think mommy duke got drugged like Red that time but I don’t taste anything unusual.
The table has turned as my morning sick knight-wife is now comforting my wannabe mage-wife..
“Relax Ali.”
Mommy duke says without looking at her, as she adjusts her puffed out skirt to better reach my wiener with her crotch.
I don’t think so.
“No.”
Her lusty lip biting expression changes to wariness. Guess she’s not used to being turned down. Got money, looks, and status. Any man would be thrilled.
But if its not obvious enough by now? I’m not just any man.
“What do you want, Melicent.” Ha! Remembered her name! Yay me!
“Is it wrong?” Yes it is. “For a lonely woman to welcome a handsome hero?”
If I had a drink? Would be spitting it out right now. Tempted to get a drink, and take a drink, just so I can spit it back out. I’m not buying it. And neither is anyone else.
“Your grace?” Lili, my secretary milf goddess, is unimpressed. “Your behavior is inappropriate for one of your station.”
Ooh… Burn. I think.
Frankie isn’t buying that bridge in the desert either.
“Duchess Chastel. Is it not customary for the widow to withdraw?” Glances at one of the men mounted next to mommy duke’s horse. “Is that not the duke’s heir?”
Dude in question looks a bit like his father but more solid. Thirtyish? Definitely a fighter from his build and posture. Rather handsome and even looks taller than me.
Yep, I hate him.
“Lady Ushinua. Hamond has, concerns.” Eh? “My son agrees it is better to not encourage, uncertainty.”
What the fuck are you- Red cuts off my express train to confusionville.
“Your idiot of a man sent this duchy’s finest to die in Stormgarde.” My knight-wife wraps Blue in her arms. “You will not drag us down with you.”
Melicent gives first wife a frosty look. Guess she’s still not happy with her daughter liking outies and innies.
“You seek to berate me while continuing a tryst with my daughter?” Hey now. Girl on girl can be hot. “Lady Edelys. My daughter has been given a new life. A true lover would not let her spend it barren.”
Here we go.
“Mother!” “How dare-” “Insolence!” “Bitch.” “Sow!”
“Stop.”
Put some mana into the word to make sure I get everyone’s attention. Cat fights can be fun but now is not the time or place to let Red and mommy duke brawl.
At least Frankie is keeping her cool and chooses now to chime in.
“Duchess Melicent. Arguing with two of Master’s three wives is not going to help.” You tell her, honey. “Master has other tasks. So get to the point.”
A quick nod and mommy duke faces me.
“I want your child.”
What?
My milf skeptic is all over that.
“Tch… Such behavior. You grace, this is not the time. Nor the place-”
Lili’s eyebrows rise as Meli interrupts her.
“This place will have to do for I am running out of time!” Mommy dearest steals a glance outside, hoping her outburst was not overheard.
Blue’s eyes turn large as realization hits.
“You mean Hammy and Lula? Still?”
“Yes.”
Blue flops back against the bench and sighs.
“Poor Lula…”
Someone better explain what th-
“So your eldest’s seed is dry.” Thank you Frankie! “You have two other sons and another daughter.” That’s a no mercy look. “Why do you need a child from Lady Alote?”
Out of nowhere, Odaline steps up to the plate!
“Fufu, ara ara, who the mother is isn’t important. Who the father is, is. Right, your grace?” Oda’s got a smug look. Even Simone looks surprised. “You need sensei’s seed.”
Mommy duke gives Blue an “I’m sorry” look.
“Ali… Your brothers and sister have already been trapped by Airnett or Baramont. Only Hamond has avoided their schemes.” Melicent suddenly looks much older, and tireder. “Letting any of them inherit risks the duchy going up in flames.”
“Mom…”
A sad smile from one of the most powerful women in the Kingdom of Tourin.
“I loved your father. Even with his, faults.” Like being an asshole. That’s a fault, right? “Yet he left his House when we needed him most. Obsessed with controlling a daughter he never cared about before.”
Another rare contributor, Valaine, takes a swing.
“Ugh.” Shakes her head. “Poor sad widow duchess wants my Master to feed her daughter some baby batter. Baby gets declared the duchy’s heir and the only son worth a damn gets to play regent for the next twenty years. That cover it?”
Melicent is stunned by the childlike but bitter voice from someone she hadn’t even realized was there. She manages a nod in reply but my loli vamp, Val, isn’t finished.
“What pit spawned thing possessed you? No noble with two slaves nor priest with two fools would pay this any mind.”
Having recovered from the appearance of the disrespectful girl, the duchess grins.
“You really have no idea, do you?” Pointed looks at Frankie then Lili. “The Beast’s High Priestess and Lady Minister surely know.” She takes their silent replies as confirmation. “Little undead girl. Your master is why my strategy will work.”
“Mother?”
“My blessed daughter. Your husband saved Tourin from the demons by killing their leader. Now, he is saving it from the dukes without lifting a finger.”
Mommy duke deftly repositions herself from straddling to side saddling my lap. Taking the opportunity to steal a quick kiss and rub before continuing.
“Your man kills dragons.” Yes I’m awesome. “He’s tamed both a holy sword and demon blade.” Stop, I’m blushing. Go on. “Is both a swordmage and necromancer!” Uh, getting kind of excited there? “With the largest host of the living dead since the Lich Kings!
Finally feel I can say something without sounding like an idiot.
“But isn’t that a bad thing?-”
My insightful comment gets interrupted by more tongue from the duchess.
“You are right, darling daughter.” After she comes up for air. “You really can see him think.” Uh, is that good or bad? “It is so cute.” So, good thing?
Red is offended.
“Do not insult the man I love!”
Nope, bad thing. Missed it by, that much.
“Mother…”
Blue warns mommy duke after she leans against me. Starts running her fingers up and down my arm. Then looks up at me while kissing my neck.
“Do not pretend to have the high ground, Alote.” She clicks her tongue. “Your husband’s, hehe, appetite is already renown.” Looks at me and licks her lips. “Is it really true that your cock spends hours every day inside your many, many, women?”
I can plead the fifth here, right?
“Drive a dozen insensate in only an hour? And your tongue is as skilled with a maiden’s garden as your, oh my, sinful sword?”
“Mother!”
Blue’s blushing. Most of the harem is. Mommy duke is really looking for buttons to push.
Me? I’m just wondering when it got so hot in here. Stuffy even.
“Be at ease, daughter. You mother only teases. Mostly.” That’s not a teasing look. “There are other options.” Do tell. “If Alote is unwilling then mayhaps my womb will suffice?”
“Mother, stop.”
“If not I then mayhaps Hamond’s wife?”
“Mom!”
“Well she volunteered.” Don’t wink at me. “No matter how many times it takes.”
“Augh! That’s it!”
*bang*
The carriage door next to us flies open as Blue storms out and stomps off. The guy I’m guessing is Hamond, dismounts and intercepts her before she can go far.
We all blatantly snoop as Hamond shows the patience of angels as Blue rants in front of him.
*hug*
Blue screams a little as she is suddenly wrapped in a bear hug by her now laughing brother. Oh, none of her siblings have seen her in months, have they? And the last time would have witnessed her body being destroyed by leprosy.
Watch elder brother wave away her complaints until she finally settles. Then they start chatting, catching on everything going on in their life. What a beautiful smile Blue has.
Watching Blue reconnect with her brother is so a Kodak Moment.
Melicent sighs.
“There is also your power to cure. Only gods could invent the absurdity of a healing necromancer. Mayhaps you could examine and treat the issue with Hamond’s seed?”
Oh darn. Guess we’ll never know then. Because I ain’t touching his junk.
Frankie rides to my rescue.
“Unfortunately, the master is unable to restore fertility.” Sorry, Ushi. “I became barren and he has yet to find a cure.”
“Hmm…” Melicent ponders. “It would be best if Alote or Luliene have the child. Though I would certainly enjoy, helping.” Danger, danger Will Robinson. “And to answer your question, my lord?”
Can you stop showing me your nipples, please. Making my pants a bit too tight.
“The aristocracy respects power. More than wealth, status, or fame. And you? Have power.” Really? “Everyone is terrified. Paralyzed. Unwilling to commit.” She giggles. “Which is driving the King’s ambitious prince and princess mad.”
Time to show how smart I am again.
“Why?”
“So cute.” Another swing and a miss. “There are four duchies, two marches, and dozens of counties and baronies.” Is she womansplaining? “None of them have the-” *fondle* “-balls to stand alone.”
No touchy!
Okay, maybe a little touchy.
Red interrupts me getting womansplained with a sharp look and a hand on her sword. Think someone is getting fed up with this pushy duchess.
“The dragons did not scare those pompous asses, your Grace. The fall of Count Gilend did. The strongest House on the Granyan frontier. Gone, in an hour.” Cool evil grin Red. You go with your bad self. “And Jon’s become even stronger since.”
Mommy duke nods to Red.
“Indeed Lady Edelys.” Another lusty look at me. “Alote listens to you. I beg of you, Lord Barton. Give her a child.”
“No.”
My direct reply stuns her.
“B-bu… Why?”
“Blue dreams of magic.” She’s coo coo for mana puffs. “And I am supporting her education in it.”
My wannabe mage-wife is like those career girls who want to wait for kids. Luckily for her I’m fine with that. Hardly like there is a shortage of willing wombs around me.
“I… I see.” Sad duchess is sad. “My agents reported you were fathering children for couples in need.” Time to give Frankie a dirty look. “Is there no way I can convince you?”
Oh god, she’s got the sad kitty eyes.
Must… Resist…
“Master?”
Frankie?
“Give them a child.”
Eh?
“I know your disdain for politics but having a duchy in your debt is good, master.” Quick nods from mommy duke. “And Duchess Melicent will find no nobleman even close to your potency willing to relinquish claim to their offspring.” More hesitant nodding this time.
Melicent moves in for the kill.
“House Chastel will publicly proclaim Blue’s marriage to you. We’ll recognize all of your wives and concubines in records and proclamations. Even add you and your titles to our registries.”
Red’s eyes turn soft as she unconsciously rubs her belly.
“Hus-, Jon. Ali often told me about her eldest brother’s troubles.” Crap. She’s tearing up. “How he and his wife were always kind to her. And how much they feared a disputed pregnancy.” Don’t start crying. “This may be their last chance.”
Can see the triumph on mommy duke’s face.
Sigh.
Goddammit.
“Fine.” Clapping Meli? Really? “I’ll knock up your kid’s wife. But scheduling with school may be diff-”
*knock* *knock*
A rapping on the carriage door draws my attention back outside. Through the window I behold an exotic brown skinned milf beauty happily chatting with blue. And one eldest brother hovering protectively over her.
“...Luliene?”
The boobyland revealing curtsy she gives me makes my pants even tighter. Drawing a fresh giggle from the duchess who feels her seat getting, stiffer.
“Thank you, savior.” Savior? “My husband and I place our future in your care.”
Frankie meets my gaze and a smile spreads. Having some no way they’ll inherit princesses, even a royal, praying to me is one thing. Having the mother of the next Duke Chastel praying to me?
Even I can tell that would be a major coups for the cult.
“Ahem.”
The duchess gives me a kiss goodbye and helps “Lula” get on board. Who immediately starts talking up the rest of the harem. Barely manage to tear my eyes away from her chocolate skin when a voice outside calls to me.
Too tall Hamond is looking up at me.
“I do not presume to understand what you are.” He looks, uncomfortable. “Just that the love of my life is desperate and you are her last hope.” This is not a conversation he wants to be part of. “I know there have been, others. Other... men.”
His fists are clenched and shaking, while mommy duke stands next to him. With a look full of maternal care as her son continues.
“I pretended not to know of these affairs. Decided I would pretend the child was mine. But they all failed too.” What? “If you succeed I… Please. A healthy child. Boy. Girl.” Is she barren too? “Even manaless would be fine. I just want to be a father.”
Without another word, he turns and walks back to his horse. Melicent follows, hugging his arm. A thought later, and my column of undead begin moving.
No longer enchanted by Lula’s cocoa complexion, I look out the window. Lost in memories of fatherhood, as the carriage picks up speed.
Back to Stormgarde.