Chapter 11: Mysterious Mysteries
“Are you a god?”
“Yes!”
“Master?” “Jon-kun?”
“Shhh.”
*crumble* *crackle*
“Lady Ushinau. Is his lordship, okay?”
Ow. Hurts.
“I have used healing magic so he should recover.”
Sweet. Not dead. Yay me.
“Ali, please make some more ice for husband’s head. That is a nasty looking bump.”
My head feels, propped up? Know this feeling. And that perfume? Yep, this is a Frankie lap pillow. And behind these juicy thighs is, bootyland.
“Lady Ushinau. Any lasting injuries?” Not-sebastian?
A feminine giggle. “Master’s thoughts involve my rear.”
“So fully recovered then. Very good.”
Hey! Completely innocent butt stuff. Deep thoughts.
A relieved sigh. “No they were not, my lovely master.”
Okay, maybe deep as in deep in that ass thoughts. Those still count. Damn [See Thru Husband’s Antics] cheat.
Now, to be fair, I know where I am. On the floor of “too many damn columns” hall next to “holy shit that’s a lot of bridges” canyon.
~Maybe if I chew on him, a bit, he will awaken sooner.~
Really starting to have second thoughts about the whole “an undead dragon would be cool” thing.
“Sir dragon. Waiting for Lord Barton to rise is the more appropriate course. But thank you for your offer.”
Yeah, tell him Lili! You goddess of secretaries and milfs you. Screw your pantheon, Metia. I’ll make my own!
~But do you really need both legs?~ Yes we do! ~You have arms too.~
“Thank you again for your kind offer. But my Lord will have to decline.”
Who needs Wonder Woman when you got Mighty Milf.
Okay, enough horsing around. Time to check my fingers and toes. How does that go again?
This little piggy went to market. This little piggy stayed home. Hmm… This little piggy went to the used adult toy store. Uh… And this little piggy went “spurt spurt spurt” all the way home.
Oops. Missing a piggy.
And this little piggy believed that sow when she said she was on the pill so now gets to pay that bitch every month for the next eighteen years!
Whew... Almost lost my cool there.
Toes seem to be good. Fingers too. Wait. I’m supposed to be looking at them when I do that, right? Shit. Well might as well open my peepers then.
And…
There’s the “let freedom ring” T of my dark oppai half-elf’s T&A. Frankie really does have the best rack I’ve ever seen. Could about compete with beach umbrellas for shade.
““Teacher has risen.””
Oh. Odaline and Simone are merged with Margo and Ferra. And their worried expressions visibly relax once our eyes meet. Oda looks none the worse for wear despite being knocked out earlier.
Though how healthy you really are when melded with undead ex-oracles of the Church of Metia elite templars, is probably debatable.
For clarity’s sake, I should point out that I was not worried about any of my wives dying. Thanks to our overcharged, a swordmage thing, mana-metal wedding rings. We can sort of sense each other’s emotions and kind of thoughts. Meaning I would know if any actually died.
But only my six wives have those rings. So the rest of my entourage could croak and I might be none the wiser.
Well, no one’s crying, so I guess none of them got corpsified either. Though everyone looks rather filthy. And their clothes look like they just went through a life or death struggle. Which they did.
Except for not-sebastian of course. That guy’s immaculate. Bet its a [Butler Magic] thing.
“Darling! That was amazing!”
Bouncing up and down, clapping, with still cute though damaged blue and white traveling clothes. Trousers, shirt, jacket, that sort of thing. Is my third wife, Lady Alote Barton. Daughter of the ex-Duke and still-Duchess of House Chastel. I just call her, “Blue.” Because of those deep blue eyes.
Yep. Blue’s excited. She’s been kind of a freak for all things magic since getting a shitload of mana from me when I cured her leprosy. Seems blowing up a monster with magic swords, counts.
Would agree on amazing too, if the exploding part hadn't happened right in front of my face.
Frankie, Red, and Blue help me up off the floor. Huh. My shadow armor has dispelled and my outfit is half shredded. Well I can change later.
Damn, quite the crowd. Beyond the sixteen, yes really, humpables surrounding me. There is not-sebastian and the maidettes. Plus the brat pack. And oodles of undead. It's so crowded Frazur even shrank to dog size, so he could lounge on thief-hero’s shoulders.
The “hall of too many columns” is naturally still bathed in yellowish orange light from the “coocoo for bridges canyon.” Still hot as hell too. A very dry heat. The smell of dust, dirt, and stone, attacks my nose.
Pass the mob I see the giant hall has significantly less in the column department now. Our spat with none shall pass devil has done a whole lot of, remodeling.
Should I add “isekai architect” to my resume?
Don’t recognize any pieces of my detonated opponent nearby. Well, they were “small” pieces anyway.
Hehe…
Yes, I’m making fun of his weiner.
With just a thought my undead minions begin moving. Spreading out to explore and secure the area. See the caddies, skeleton carriages, have already been brought over too.
Hmm… Maybe I’ll take a nap. On boobs.
~Master.~
Sigh.
~Yes Rowl?~
~We’ve found, something. Something powerful, but fallen.~
Well that didn’t take long.
“Looks like we got a hit ladies. Let’s check it out. Not-sebastien? Put the maidettes and brat pack in the caddies.”
Super smooth bow. “At once, Lord Barton.”
Ouch, still sore. Where’s the isekai advil?
Pass around hugs and kisses for the harem, neat how Val and her girls are still cold to the touch even in this heat, and start walking deeper into the cavern. The girls forming up around me.
Wait, does banging some “post-deceased” chicks make me a necrophiliac? Nah, probably not. If it did then I would already be considered one because my ex was a corpse, cold and dead, in the sack.
Red’s armored up and insists on taking point. Her impressively large… shield, leading the way. Hitomi smoothly takes my left side again and Frankie moves up on my right-
“Mila?”
“My lord. Please let us protect you.” Us? “It is our purpose.”
Oh, she’s got two arms. She’s merged with my undead ex-paladin Emelina again. This whole half-dead state causing lost limbs to temporarily reappear thing, really needs to be investigated more.
Hard to tell in the low light but is she, blushing? Well, I was her first and she’s been very open to “new experiences” with her harem sisters. Whoa. What’s with giving Hitomi that dirty look?
Maybe I need to remind her of my “no catfights” rule.
Turn to look back at Frankie, who slid in behind me, since her regular spot was taken.
“Master, do not be concerned.” Is that, drool? “I, enjoy this view.”
Hey. Eyes up here, lady. That’s- Whoo! No touchy the tushy!
“Is there a problem master?”
Oh that innocent look ain't fooling nobody, Frankie.
Can see the others aren’t too pleased with Eme-Mila claim jumping. For this dungeon holiday, the girls discussed it before we arrived.
When walking and they think there is any danger? Hitomi stays on the left. Frankie takes the right. And Blue gets my rear.
…
Ahem.
Then it's Lili and Foxy behind Blue with Oda and Sim flanking them. Val and her six fellow vamps covering the rear and flanks.
Heard my harem queens, Frankie and Lili, yesterday telling Mila that her spot is with Foxy and Lili. Until her place in the harem is settled, she’s just another mistress. Like Foxy, the adventurer guild’s spy- er, I mean, assistant guild master.
Emelina’s relationship with the one armed fallen beastkin is more employer-employee than friend and ally like Simone and Ferra or Milti and Juri. Which bugs both Red and Blue for some reason.
How do I feel about it? I’m getting laid by a hot panther looking catgirl. Never had a neko fetish but that doesn’t mean its not sexy. And while I may not know Mila? I do know Emelina. Her ex-paladin of Metia’s soul now belongs to me after all.
Knew she was jealous of Margo and Ferra so I’m happy that she’s now happy. But. A catgirl does not trump a jk girl. So she’s going to have to get over being jealous of Hitomi
Well, let’s give her some time.
The only reason my mind can meander like this is because we spend a lot longer than I expected winding through this forest of columns. So long that the light from bridge canyon fades and the deep dark returns to its natural state.
*fwoosh*
Torches, lanterns, and magic, light up our surroundings. Of course my friendly neighborhood unliving abominations don’t need light. But it's handy, for us not quite there yet types.
The dry heat from the gorge becomes more and more, muggy, as we get further away. That damp mold wet dirt smell starts duking it out with the dust and stone. Fighting for ownership of my nose.
~Here master.~
~Thank you, Rowl.~
My undead champion of ink and shadow waited for us to arrive. And I can tell why. Well, feel why. There is something in the air. Ancient. Angry. Anguished?
Before us is the exit. A towering doorway marking the hall’s end. The passage beyond lit with a sickly green glow and curving out of sight to the right.
Feel an eye upon me. Reaching out with [Super Senses] I can tell the source of that peeping tom is down this dusty and dim hallway. The sight reacts to me?
Hehe…
It sees me watching it watching me watching it. A raspy cracked but still feminine voice echos around us.
“Are you a god?”
Ha! I know this one.
“Yes!”
“Master?” “Jon-kun?”
Red, Frankie, Hitomi, and Blue all give me strange looks.
“Shhh.”
My shushing isn’t good enough for shinobi girl.
“Jon-kun, please, what are you-”
“Do you want to fight the Staypuft Marshmallow Man?”
“Eh?”
Thief hero’s face shows she hasn’t caught up yet. So I refresh her memory.
“Dogs and cats living together?”
“Oh!”
There she got it, as she spins back to face the ominous corridor.
“Yes! He is a god!”
Hitomi turns back to me with the proudest grin, for about a second. Then what she just just yelled out, at the top of her lungs, registers.
“Eep!”
A tremendously embarrassed squeak is all the japanese high schooler manages as her face turns beet red and she buries herself into my side.
“Shinobi girl?”
A frantic shaking of her head is the only response I get as she keeps her cute head down and continues to search for a way to crawl inside my shirt.
“Hahaha! Then bring your god, child. Let me see the face of this masculine deity.”
What the hell.
“Ladies.”
My knight-wife leads the entourage down the hallway as a thought from me restrains my undead host.
“There is a stink about you, godling. A scent I have not known for many many centuries.”
Sniff sniff. Do I, offend?
Following the passage, it curves around and opens up onto a, colosseum? It looks like that Rome one from the history shows. Right down to the field where the gladiators off each other and christians help keep the local zoo’s food budget in the black.
Except this one has a throne. A big one, on the floor, right in the middle of spartacus park. And that throne isn’t empty. Yep. You guessed it. She’s a big’un.
Now those are some titties. Six even. She must be twenty feet tall and those titties could feed an army. She looks a lot like the combustible fellow that went kablooey earlier.
Red skin, red horns, red hair, red eyes. Naked. Like butt naked. Well, maybe she’s got a thong on. One of those string might as well be naked ones. Besides this one being a girl the only other difference is the big fucking sword shoved through her guts.
Seriously giant sword that looks like its sized for another twenty foot tall person. Jesus, imagine the size of her pads. Would need a truck to haul a weeks worth home. She’Ra with Aunt Flo would have nothing on that. What would they be called?
Introducing Always Ultra Isekai Maxi Holy Shit Overnight Size Pads, with Flexi-Wings.
“Uh… Jon-kun?”
Eh?
“M-master?”
Wha- Oops. Got side tracked there.
Ahem.
“Yes! I am a god! Now watch as I do my godly walk down these stairs!”
Okay. So I got no fucking clue. But there’s like a lot of blood over there. A lot a lot. In fact the whole floor is stained with it. There’s even a puddle surrounding the throne.
How long has this chick been on the rag?
Or, you know, could be from the giant sword in her gut. Maybe.
“...You.”
That’s an interesting found the guy who killed my dog look. Just like the resting bitch face my first wife always used to give- Oh my god!
…
Karen?
No...
Quick! Engage maximum staring power!
…
“Hehehe…”
Whew. It's not her. Had me worried there for a moment. But the only time that sow could laugh or express any sort of joy was when she was ripping some poor bastard’s heart out, shitting on it, and then using it as a tampon.
Well, if my ex-wife got isekaied too. Wouldn’t mind killing her ass. Just for the greater fucking good of all creatures great and small of course. No damn way am I keeping that soul though. Want that toxic cloud as far away from my ass as possible.
Holy crap. What would I do if my wife gets isekaied? Damn. She would take one look at this harem and totally kill me. Then raise me and kill me again. And again. And again.
While I’m having these profound epiphanies on the meaning of life, I’ve sort of regally reached the floor. Not the easiest feat while a still mortified japanese high school girl is trying to crawl into your pocket. And come to a stop in front of the throne. Before the puddle of blood's shoreline..
Not sure if these boots are suede or not. Shouldn’t get them too wet.
Nah… My wife would cut off my willy first. Then kill me. Sew it back on and resurrect me. Then chop it off and kill me again. With rusty scissors. Serrated rusty scissors. That grind as you use th-
“H-husband?”
Red?
“Were you going to say something?”
Look up to realize the harem is staring at me. Even six titty is giving me the what are you doing look. Yeah, came all this way so I should get this over with.
“Okay MacGuffin. Do your thing.”
I helpfully point at the big devil looking lady. Just in case she doesn’t know her own name.
“...What?”
“Do your its dangerous so take this sword thing.” Geesh. “Solve the mystery for scooby snacks. Chop chop. I’m in a hurry.”
What? Why is everyone looking at me like I just grew a second head? Close your mouths before the flies get in. Especially you, devil lady.
“I… You…” She looks, upset. “No worm has ever spoken to me so...! AUGH!”
Waves of heat begin rippling the air around her. The blood pond trembles. Even the floor starts vibrating.
Good. Would rather take care of this problem with percussive maintenance anyway.
The passage behind howls as it goes dark and my Barton Industries employees flood out of it. Thousands fill the stands surrounding us. The roar like pitter patter of thousands of undead feet add their own vibration to the air.
Vast numbers of shadows, ghosts, zombies, ghouls, and skeletons, now stand perfectly still. All facing Aunt Flo’s bitchier cousin seated in front of me.
She’s even more upset. But it's not anger now. Its fear.
Interesting.
“Im-impossible! The ban. You cannot have this much. It is forbidden!”
Forbidden? Ban? Now we are getting somewhere. One more card to pull.
~Forbidden? Ignorant savage. Primitive fool. You all do so love making rules. Never imagining they could be, ignored.~
My shadow dragon, Frazur, has been lurking behind us. Now he expands to his super size, nearly a hundred feet long. Towering over the devil bitch. His voiceless voice dripping with condescension.
“No!”
With panic in her eyes the twenty foot tall giantess tries to beat a hasty retreat. But she gets nowhere thanks to the big ass sword in her gut. Looking through my shadows I see its completely impaled her. She’s nailed to the seat. Its business end sticking a good five feet through the back of the throne.
After a few more clearly painful tugs she gives up, collapses back in her seat, and starts, laughing?
“Hehe. So this is it. Damn you father. Curse you brother. Not like this. We cannot die like this.”
“Who said anything about you dying?”
Hope springs to life on her face.
“Suffering? Oh yeah, lots of that. Pain your very soul will be soaked in? Bingo. But dying? Nope.”
And just as quickly disappears.
“And what do I have to do to avoid this fate?”
She catches on quick.
“Just answer some questions.”
I’m not even shocked when not-sebastian is suddenly helping me to sit on a seat that’s appeared behind me. Tables and more chairs arrive. Brought by my shadows and maidettes. [Butler Magic] rocks!
What we’ve been eating our meals on for the last few days just as quickly gets covered with baskets containing a light lunch of breads, sausages, and puddings.
Not much of a wine drinker but its been growing on me. Frankie pours me a glass.
Choose to ignore the devil bitch’s shock. And flicker of something. That crosses her face when she sees my butler extraordinaire.
Let’s get this shindig started. Still have a long trip back to Stormgarde.
*sip*
“So! Qrephine, n'est-ce pas?”
Nod.
“And you’ve been trapped here for ages after being beaten and or betrayed.”
*nibble*
Another nod.
“Yummy. By another god?”
Nodarino.
“That big honking sword is what keeps you trapped here.”
We are on a roll!
*sip*
“Oh, thank you love.” Frankie gives me a refill. “So, why am I here?”
“You…” Shrugging? “We, do not know.”
Goddammit.
“What am I, to you?”
“An abomination. A violation of everything we hold dear.”
Hmm…
“And what, do you hold dear?”
Now that’s a proud slut look.
“Freedom.”
Christ.
“You can tell I am not from this world, can’t you.”
Nods and looks at Hitomi. Whose recovered enough from her relationship faux pas to take a seat on the other side of the table. Still won’t look at me though.
“She is not from this world either.” No shit. “But different from you.” Another duh. “We can smell that one of those fools marked her.”
That sounds rather, lewd.
“And what do you smell on me.”
“Death.” Drama llama. “What brought you here is also not of this world.”
Wait. What?
“Then how did I get here?”
“We, do not know.” Not helping. “But you will have no peace in this world.” Gee, love you too. “You are the enemy returned. The ultimate corruption. A vile existence. The Beast and there is naught but ashes in your wake. Damna-”
Holding up my hand stops her rant.
“Sorry. All out of patience for apocalypse shit. Got plenty of that back home.”
Adorable grey hands from my oppai half-elf start massaging my shoulders as she breathes in my ear.
“Master. This was a waste of your precious time. Let us return to Stormgarde. Master’s new, home.”
No. I’ve spent days in this sweltering hole. Not going back empty handed.
“Last question. Who could have brought something like me here?”
See the change in her eyes. [Super Senses] picks up the hitching of her breath. The prickling goosebumps spreading across her skin. Even the stiffening of her nipples.
She knows.
Rowl flows out of the stands and forms next to me. His two shadow hounds before him begin growling at the fallen goddess trapped on her throne.
Can see the struggle on her face. Unsure if I should be told or not. Can feel her touch on my mind. Which quickly recoils like it's touched something, unnatural.
Her shoulders finally droop down.
“F-fa-father.” Tears? “He c-could have done such a thing. We hurt h-him, so deeply.” Daddy issues? “We took everything from t-the one who gave us everything.” Daddy issues. “And none of us stopped to consider, the c-consequences. Until it was t-too late.”
Yeah, you can’t afford my isekai therapist rates. Besides. The whole six titty thing kind of freaks me out.
“And where’s daddy now?”
“We, do not know.” Her chest shakes as she quietly cries.
Jesus, just how useless is this bitch? Well, guess we’re done here.
“Please, release me.”
“Sure. This shitty world clearly needs more faithless bitches like you.”
“No!”
*squalch* *shliching*
Almost as quick as thought, Rowl leaps onto the devil lady’s lap and rips out the massive blade impaling her. Not slowing at all he pulls the massive blade through a spin. Tearing through the bitch’s neck and beheading her.
*thumf*
*sip*
The heavy horned head with its now dead eyes, lands upside down beside the throne. They stare at me, pointlessly. Like I’m going to give a shit. Put the goblet down on the table beside me and squeeze the elegant dark grey hands that are kneading my shoulders.
Lean back and accept an aroused kiss from my head priestess while our eyes meet. Once I release her I pan across the rest of my ladies.
“Yeah, let’s go home.”