Chapter 2: ♫Happy Birthday♫?

Chapter 2: ♫Happy Birthday♫?

The screeching electronic voice tore through my sleep, sharp enough to rattle my skull.

[Wake! Wake up! If you don't wake up, I am going to K~Kiss you~!]

"…Umm?” I groaned, squeezing my eyes shut.

That blasted noise was killing me. I reached up and slammed the off-switch. My hand moved entirely on muscle memory, acting before my brain could even process what was happening. Then, the horror set in.

I knew that stupid voice. It was Issei Hyoudou's infamous anime alarm clock.

No, no, no. Please let this be a sick joke.

Panic flared in my chest. I sat bolt upright, staring at my hands, then down at my blanket. "Fuck me sideways, I really am reincarnated in Highschool DxD. I'm that bastard, Issei!"

A heavy silence settled over the room as I stared at the wall, a tear or two of pure self-loathing welling up in my eyes. But before I could sink too deep into despair, a sharp voice echoed from downstairs, shattering my tragic moment.

"Matsuda! Are you up there watching porn again? Get up!"

The voice softened just a fraction, laced with a teasing amusement. "Your worthless father already left to open up the bookstore, and I am heading out to work. Your breakfast is in the fridge. Um, make sure you wash your hands before you touch it, fufu!"

I could practically hear her smirking through the ceiling.

"And honey, mow the damn lawn before your two idiot friends show up and you leave the house! Otherwise, I am going to tell that fat girl down the street that you have a massive crush on her! Haha~"

Holy crap. That was my mom.

I sat back on the mattress, taking a deep breath to take stock of my situation. On the bright side, there was no painful headache forcing years of memories into my brain. That classic fan-fiction trope was out the window.

On the downside, I wasn't Issei Hyoudou at all. I was Matsuda Tanaka.

A wave of disappointment washed over me. I had really gotten the short end of the stick. That lucky bastard Issei was destined to end up with all the best girls in the world, while I was stuck as the bald, perverted side character.

Sigh.

"Okay, back on track," I muttered to myself, shaking my head. "Look at the bright side. I don't have to get involved in all that dangerous plot nonsense. I can just chill like a normal human."

Then it hit me. Wait, I just did that in my past life!

Memories of Earth Zero flickered through my mind. In my previous existence, I had been a loyal, one-woman house husband married to a wonderful Philippine woman. Frustratingly, I couldn't recall her name. That part really bit. I remembered having a great daughter and a perfectly average, comfortable life. I couldn't complain about it at all.

Did I die from COVID-19? Did Truck-kun hit me? I guess some memories were better left forgotten.

My old life skills were pretty standard. I went to high school in the United States and skipped college entirely. I definitely wasn't a rocket scientist or a super genius. However, I did have two solid things going for me.

First, I knew how to cook. I used to own a pizza restaurant for a while—those were the glory days, even if the restaurant's name escaped me now.

Second, I held a black belt in two different martial arts: Karate and Jujitsu.

"That might come in handy against regular punks," I mused, looking down at my knuckles. "But in a world full of devils, angels, and fallen angels? It might not mean much at all."

Tanaka Matsuda. In my new native Japanese tongue, that was my name now. It always had been. I was just a side mob character in Highschool DxD.

The thought made me sad all over again.

I had watched a few seasons of the anime way too many times back in the day. I used to be an absolute whore for anime and fan-fiction. But the worst part was that I hadn't actually seen the show in about twenty-five years because of my age before dying. All the fan-fiction I read had completely jumbled my memory, making it impossible to separate what was canon from what was fake.

"Damn, my brain must have been absolute mush back then," I grumbled.

Shifting through my new teenage memories, a sudden realization struck me. "Oh, shit. It's my birthday today. I'm legally an adult in the DxD universe now."

And my mom had totally forgotten. I slumped slightly. I wasn't disappointed. Nope, not one bit. What a tragic start to a new life.

Trying to lift my spirits, I focused on my physical stats. I was actually very athletic for a guy my age. I had proudly carried my middle school baseball team all the way to the local championships, and I had absolutely killed it on the school track team.

Unfortunately, I had only tried that hard in sports to impress the ladies. Because I acted like a massive pervert and hung out with two complete ass-hats, I had been doomed to fail from the start.

"That's okay, though," I comforted myself. "None of those middle school girls would have stood a chance with the new and improved, Great Me anyway."

There was one specific girl from my memories who was also heading to Kuoh Academy with me: Aika Kiryuu, the super-perverted cosplayer. Oddly enough, she lived just across the street on the next block.

We got along like cats and dogs, which was entirely my fault. The old Matsuda had caught Aika doing cosplay once and called her ugly. I actively wanted to reach back in time and slap my past self across the face.

"Alright, time to roll my lazy ass out of bed and clean up," I said, swinging my legs over the side of the mattress.

I scanned my bedroom, evaluating my new territory. By Japanese standards, it was a perfectly normal, modern room. Comfy bed, a desk, and a computer for schoolwork. Who was I kidding, though? The hard drive was so crammed with porn that the poor machine probably took five full minutes just to boot up.

A laundry hamper sat next to the closet, overflowing with sports clothes. I noticed my new Kuoh Academy uniform hadn't arrived yet.

My eyes drifted over to the bookshelf, and I froze.

"Oh, my goodness... I cannot believe I owned this much filth."

Rows upon rows of adult DVDs stared back at me. It was an absolute abomination. You would think a normal family would stage an intervention, but my dad owned an adult bookstore. The man was a mega-pervert.

"Sorry, Dad," I whispered to the empty room. "Your son is going to be a gentleman from now on. Mostly."

I looked back at the animated alarm clock sitting on the nightstand. On second thought... it was actually kind of funny. That stayed.

Then, my eyes drifted down to the trash bin, and a piece of my soul died. What on earth had my past self been doing during this school vacation?

Investing heavily in tissue paper companies?

"Okay," I muttered, backing away from the desk. "Before I mow any lawns, eat breakfast, or come up with a plan to deal with Issei—just kidding—I need to clean this absolute biohazard of a room. A bottle of bleach should do the trick, right?"