Chapter 381: Diary of a Not-So-Wimpy Kid

[SEPTEMBER]

[Tuesday]

Yeah... the dates actually lined up about right.

[First of all, let me get something straight. This is a JOURNAL, not a diary. I know what it says on the cover, but when my mom went out to buy this thing I SPECIFICALLY told her to get one that didn't say diary on it.]

Alexander was actually just using his normal 6th-grade issue notebook for this one.

Still, lucky Greg for he still has a mom.

[Great. All I need is for some jerk to catch me carrying this book around and get the wrong idea.]

Great, indeed. All Alexander needs is to publish this notebook and...

[Insert image of Greg being punched and sissy-ed by a bully.]

Scratch that.

[Insert image of cartoonified version of himself, counting money.]

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[The other thing I want to clear up right away is that this was MOM's idea, not mine.]

This sure was supposed to be Jeff Kinney's idea. Not Alexander's.

[But if she thinks I'm going to write down my "feelings" in here or whatever, she's crazy. So just don't expect me to be all "Dear Diary" this and "Dear Diary" that.]

Alexander could relate to the feelings part cause his own were clearly acting up lately.

[The only reason I agreed to do this at all is because I figure later on when I'm rich and famous, I'll have better things to do than answer people's questions all day long. So this book is gonna come in handy.]

[Reporter 1: Gregory! Tell us about your childhood!]

[Reporter 2: Were you always so smart and handsome?]

[Greg Who Can't Be Bothered: Here's my journal. Now Shoo, Shoo.]

Admittedly, Alexander found Greg to be quite narcissistic but his journal idea was quite smart.

Especially given the inevitable time when his anonymity is blown.

Alexander really can't be bothered with the possible questions, so a memoir perhaps.

Nah... why should he share his life? His re-life? And why even write about it?

[Like I said, I'll be famous one day, but for now I'm stuck in middle school with a bunch of morons.]

Morons, huh?

Alexander remembered the grudging triplets and yeah... probably morons.

[Let me just say for the record that I think middle school is the dumbest idea ever invented. You got kids like me who haven't hit their growth spurt yet mixed in with these gorillas who need to shave twice a day.]

[And then they wonder why bullying is such a big problem in middle school.]

It really is. Even Drew made truce with Milla because of her experience and expectations of it.

[If it was up to me, grade levels would be based on height, not age. But then again, I guess that would mean that kids like Chirag Gupta would still be in the first grade.]

Wasn't Chirag the Indian minority in the story?

Strange since there's actually someone like that in his class. He's not short but eh... close enough.

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[Today is the first day of school, and right now we're just waiting around for the teacher to hurry up and finish the seating chart. So I figured I might as well write in this book to pass the time.]

On a different wavelength than Greg, real class has actually started but Alexander figured that he might as well write this plundered book in his notebook to pass the time.

[By the way, let me give you some good advice. On the first day of school, you got to be real careful where you sit. You walk into the classroom and just plunk yourself down on any old desk and the next thing you know the teacher is saying: I hope you all like where you're sitting, because these are your permanent seats.]

[GAAH!] Said Greg as he didn't like where he's placed. [So in this class, I got stuck with Chris Hosey in front of me and Lionel James in back of me.]

[Jason Brill came in late and almost sat to my right, but luckily I stopped that from happening in the last second.]

Greg clearly didn't like these particular people.

As for Alexander, in his homeroom, he's actually stuck with Two Barrys.

Barry 'Ee' on the seat at the front whilst John Barry is at the seat at the back.

Three Barrys actually. If you count Barrymore as a Barry. She's seated at his left though while Milla's on his right.

Sigh...

Sigh, indeed.

[Next period, I should just sit in the middle of a bunch of hot girls as soon as I step in the room. But I guess if I do that, it just proves I didn't learn anything from last year.]

[Man, I don't know WHAT is up with girls these days. It used to be a whole lot simpler back in elementary school. The deal was, if you were the fastest runner in the class, you got all the girls.]

[And in the fifth grade, the fastest runner was Ronnie McCoy.]

[Nowadays, it's a whole lot more complicated. Now it's about the kind of clothes you wear or how rich you are or if you have a cute butt or whatever. And kids like Ronnie McCoy are scratching their heads wondering what the heck happened.]

[The most popular boy in my grade is Byce Anderson. The thing that really stinks is that I have ALWAYS been into girls, but kids like Bryce have only come around in the last couple of years.]

[I remember how Bryce used to act back in elementary school.]

[Bryce: Girls are stinky poos!]

[Bryce's friend: Yeah!]

[Greg: I don't think girls are stinky poos!]

[But of course now I don't get credit for sticking with the girls all this time.]

Well, that's Greg, with his analysis of girls, boys, and just general girl troubles.

But, of course, Alexander had girl troubles of his own.

[Like I said, Bryce is the most popular kid in our grade, so that leaves all the rest of us guys scrambling for the other spots.]

Looking to his left and right and the stares all around, why did Alexander feel that he was Bryce in this scenario?

Girl troubles, indeed.

[The best I can figure is that I'm somewhere around 52nd or 53rd most popular this year. But the good news is that I'm about to move up one spot because Charlie Davies is above me and he's getting braces next week.]

[I try to explain all this popularity stuff to my friend Rowley (who is probably hovering around the 150 mark, by the way), but I think it just goes in one ear and out with the other with him.]

Sure enough, Alexander also tried explaining about this popularity stuff too.

How he wanted none of it. Nor be the top of it.

Oh, how he discussed with Milla and Drew about pretending not to know each other...

Yet they're still stuck too close.

Clearly, with those two, it just goes in one ear and out with the other.

Like how it is with Greg to Riley.

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Suffice to say, whilst Alexander was plundering the Diary of a Wimpy Kid...

He seemed to be keeping a mental Diary of a Not-So-Wimpy Kid, which is of his own devising.