23. Yamatsu’s Story

The tale of Ushiro Yamatsu.

Once born to a loving family, her early childhood was all sunshine and rainbows. Her friends liked her, and her parents were proud of her. At least, from her perspective that was the case. Thus, she was devastated when seemingly out of nowhere her parents divorced, and always blamed it on herself. After all, her parents liked each other so much, and were so happy together, that it could only be her fault if they broke up.

The worst part was that she actually was correct, as she later learned, her parents divorced because of her.

So what did she miss? Simple, her life, especially her relations as she would describe it, would be described differently by anyone close to her. She would always cling to people she would consider her friend, much to the annoyance of them. She was pretty competent at her schoolwork, and her parents did praise her for it, but that was just to make sure she wouldn't cry and scream if no one showed interest. They felt forced to, more than wanting to do it themselves. Having to deal with her was tricky, as she could flip out any moment for seemingly no reason. As time went on, she found it more and more difficult to get friends, and the ones she had always left her eventually.

Back in early middle school, her mother showed she had enough of Ushiro, and promptly left. She and her father after that became closer due to the resulting emotional situation, but even that didn't last long, as her father got more and more frustrated about having to deal with the aftermath of her antics and her constant incessant rambling about every little thing she thought about during class. It only made him feel more uncomfortable, and eventually, he told her to find some friends to share it with, with made Ushiro almost break out into tears. All of this culminated into him feeling constantly tired, stressed, and annoyed, which made him take longer and longer breaks from work. He resented his own daughter for it, as he kept mulling over what her existence does to his life, he got sick of it. And so one day, when Ushiro was being especially provocative and annoying, he struck her in the face. A clean blow that made her stagger backward, followed by an expression of fear.

In a happier story, the dad would have profusely apologized, and they would have somehow reconciled. However, what she got from then on were more and more frequent beating. From the position of a daughter, she turned into a punching bag instead, used to vent the father's frustrations. He shut himself inside his room, only going out of it to grab extra alcohol when he runs out, and occasionally to eat a meal.

In the end Ushiro was left by everyone, and decided to leave herself to let everything go back to normal, where she was picked up by Takumi.

......

She looked over to me, trying to read my expression.

"In the end, it was my fault, because I don't know how to read the mood. I've always been useless like this."

She wistfully stared off into the distance.

"Isn't it unfair for others to have to deal with me? That's what I think. Even so, I wanted to be selfish, and make others endure having to be around me. I've never made anyone happy anyway, but if I tried really hard, I could be important."

She looked over to me while I'm still sitting on the patch of grass.

"Seeing your expressions meant a lot to me. Every time you looked at me you would always fall into thought, thinking about me."

She gave me a sincere smile. But her expression soon faltered again.

"So that's why you can forget about me now, my wish has already been granted."

I'm sure she realized the underlying implication of what she just said.

'Leave me here, and let me die.' She basically said to me.

But I didn't move, simply waiting in the silence as we listened at the breeze, trying to formulate an answer.

Of course, I had none. But that still didn't keep me from trying my hardest.

In the end, all I could give was half-assed advice.

"You don't need to carry this burden alone. You can only take responsibility for the actions you do, not of those around you."

She gave a patient smile, as if she's already heard all of this before, and is simply hearing me out to make me feel validated, like you would to a child who would ramble on about nothing.

Still, I kept trying.

"You're not a lost cause, just misguided and misunderstood. You need a consultant, at the very least."

"...Takumi, I know what you are trying to say. I'm sure you would like to pretend I'm a genuinely good person, and make plans so that I won't do anything irrational. And maybe you are speaking the truth, that if I get therapy I can get along and leave that all behind. Being overly emotional makes people make bad decisions. But it's too much, it's all a mess inside. I don't want to be mentally dissected, I don't want medication to alter my thoughts, I don't care about having a normal life."

Her expression stoic, she walked toward the direction her knife went. But I quickly stood up and took it before she could.

"You can keep it if you want, the knife. I have more than enough." She said, with an uncaring voice. "Or if you want you can plunge it in me right now. Do make sure to aim well."

Even though she says these words as lightly as she would greet someone, her body bestrayed an immense amount of fear. Behind the facade of bravery is still a small girl who is in constant turmoil.

My brain became even more stuck than before. Every word I tried to utter I gulped back down reflexively. I didn't want to say or do something wrong, so I only stalled for time as we stood in silence.

"H-hey Ushiro... I'm not-... I-I thi-..."

I started stuttering while my throat was clamping down on me. My heartbeat was going haywire, and I could feel beads of sweat forming. Rough breathing turned into hyperventillation, and my thoughts became a complete mess.

Her expression turned more rigid at this pathetic display. I think it's the first time I made her feel uncomfortable instead.

"A-are you alright, Takumi?" She couldn't help worry.

I'm such a piece of shit. I'm just a child pretending to be cool, but when facing with an actual situation, I break down completely.

"I-it's fine, I j-just-..."

Why do I keep fucking stuttering? Talk normally already you braindead idiot. Just say anything! She's about to die and you stand there having a mental breakdown.

Yeah, look! The one who is literally being abused is looking down with pity on you. What are you doing? Out with it! Speak!

...

In a moment of clarity after my brain reached a boiling point, I spoke the dumbest words I could choose.

"W-will you go out with me?"