59 — Beyond the ‘What Ifs’

I was nudged awake by a gentle touch, so careful I thought for a second that perhaps it'd all been a dream. Blinking blearily up, I met a pair of soft dark blue eyes peering down at me.

I stared at the owner, groggy.

"...Mm?"

The girl that looked like Su Ah frowned down at me.

"......?" I sat up, my vision sharpening slightly. "Noona? Is it morning already...?" My head swiveled around to look for a clock, but came up with none. The windows had the curtains shut. Nothing to use to tell what the time of the day it was.

Beyond that, wasn't Mia supposed to wake me up? I glanced at the TV. The movie we were watching earlier had long finished.

"It's 5:30." Su Ah said, sitting on the edge of the sofa, looking at me in that quiet way of hers. "I didn't know when you had to get going. In fact, I didn't even know you were here. I didn't get a text or call." She crossed one leg over the other.

I felt a pang of guilt, because, she wasn't wrong. But I couldn't tell her that Mia had been my foremost thought due to that dream of mine. Still, she had the right to be informed that I'd dropped by. "Sorry about that." I said, running a hand through my sleep-tousled hair.

"Yeah, you better. You don't drop by often now that you're on your superstar tour." She said with a huff of mock-outrage. "I'm mad, Jae-il."

"I'll make up for it." I promised, stretching and getting those old joints of mine popping.

"Mmm, how exactly will you do that, I wonder?" Su Ah hummed softly and leaned her elbows on her thighs, watching me.

"I'll think of something. Maybe buy something, get you something... a present. Something cute, maybe." I looked back at her, shrugging slightly, and gave her a small grin.

She gave a tiny laugh, leaning her chin against one hand, and then she said something that caught me off-guard.

"I'd love something cute."

She probably would not. Or maybe she would? In fact, I never thought of what she would enjoy besides... books. Not because I was a bad brother. But because that was the way she'd always been.

And, really. I couldn't believe that I hadn't actually ever asked. Now that the words had come out of her mouth, it suddenly seemed a lot more apparent, a lot more pressing, that Su Ah was a normal girl who would enjoy a bunch of normal girl things.

Well, I could always make sure she had everything she ever asked for, and even things she didn't, but in truth, it'd been a while since I last saw her smiling. Even longer since I last gave her a gift of sorts.

Now, I was going overseas, and it was a weird situation we were in, but I wanted to make sure that when she needed someone to count on, I could always be there for her, no matter what. "I'll get you something from Thailand." I told her.

"...Thank you." Su Ah huffed as she straightened.

As she did so, she pushed a plate toward me, piled with a toasted buttery bagel and bacon.

"Breakfast?" I raised an eyebrow.

"Duh." My sister rolled her eyes. "You should eat something before you go on your epic football adventures."

"You're so corny sometimes..."

"And you're not?" She retorted and I laughed, grabbing the bagel and taking a generous bite of the treat.

"Mh, it's good. Thanks." I told her with a mouthful, and she nodded. Honestly, with all the proteins I needed, a simple bagel and some meat would hardly satiate me, but the sentiment itself was the thing that mattered to me the most. And so, as the minutes rolled by, I finished my food, while Su Ah sat on the sofa, watching me with those dark eyes of hers.

Finally, the conversation began. I still had some time to kill before setting off on my epic adventure.

"Where are the others?" I asked Su Ah.

"Mia is, well, probably asleep." Su Ah's expression grew a bit sour when she mentioned Mia. It was quick enough for me not to notice if I hadn't been looking at her closely. "She stayed here late for something, and I doubt it's for her benefit, honestly. Mom is sleeping as well; she won't be waking up any time soon, I figure. And dad... well, you know dad." She said, waving a hand.

I'd text him later. While whatever had happened between my parents remained largely unknown to me, he was still my father and uniquely enthused about any and every news regarding me.

As for Eun Ha...

I glanced in the general direction of her room. I hadn't seen her much as of late. I could argue that I hadn't seen much of anyone.

"So..." I drank some water to wash it all down, and wiped my mouth. "How's your... writing thing. How's that been going?"

"Hmm..." A corner of her lip quirked upwards, but her eyes flickered away from mine. "Well, it's been going well enough."

"Will you ever let me read something of yours...?" I tried my luck. Su Ah's writing had always been her secret. No one was allowed to read it.

Su Ah snorted, looking at me as if I were an idiot. "No way." A pause, in which she seemed to reconsider it. "Maybe when it's finished. Maybe."

"It's going that well, hm?" I chuckled. Su Ah was not someone who liked to half-ass things, but there was some hint of pride there that I knew she was doing something that she felt happy doing.

"Yeah." A short nod, then. "Jae-il. You know, you're really lucky..."

"Lucky?"

"That you have a gift like this." Su Ah said, looking down and picking at her nails. "You're fifteen, and yet you're this amazing prodigy." When I didn't say anything, she continued, her voice low, and a bit hesitant. "Do you ever wonder how things would go if you weren't this good?"

"If I wasn't good?"

"Hmm."

"At football." I stated the obvious, because, really, Su Ah would have to elaborate.

"I mean. In general." She clarified.

"Well... no." I said, a quick shrug dismissing the very idea. Internally, I knew most successful people had probably, at some point, grappled with the fear of failure, of the world passing them by. But that wasn't my reality anymore. Realistically—it could still happen, but only under particular circumstances outside of my control. "Not really. Because in the end..." I smiled at her. "... it simply didn't happen. If I wasn't good, if things had gone differently, then I wouldn't be here, wouldn't be having this conversation or thinking about any of it. There'd be nothing to even consider. So, why dwell on 'what ifs' that never came true? I'm already the best, so worrying about not being the best is truly the last thing on my mind, isn't it?"

A tilt to her lips. Amusement, though why, was a bit of a mystery to me.

"Yeah, you've always thought that." She shook her head slightly, chuckling softly. "I envy you. You never had to question whether or not you could live up to expectations. I think back when I was fifteen, I had the same mindset. I wanted to achieve great things. But now..." She trailed off.

"...Now?" I prompted her.

"Now... well... I'm just trying to make my way through life. As usual." She shook her head, taking a sip of her drink, before she reached up to run her hands through her hair, letting out an aggravated sigh. "But it's fun to watch you succeed, at least." Her gaze shifted back towards me, eyes softening in affection.

I tilted my head. "Noona, what makes you think you won't succeed?"

"......" She let her gaze wander back down to the half empty cup, but then she shook her head and offered me another faint smile. "Oh, you know, I'm not a football prodigy or anything. I'm not anything at all."

I raised an eyebrow. "That doesn't mean you won't succeed, does it?" I pointed out. "We live in an age of equal opportunities. Anyone with enough determination and drive can be anything that they put their minds to." Then I gave a grin. "Plus... the prodigy can always lend you a hand. If you ever need anything. Money. Connections. A body or two taken care of..."

Su Ah burst out laughing, which caught me by surprise yet again. It wasn't a huff. A low chuckle hidden behind a hand. It was a full-blown close-eyed, mouth-open laugh.

I found myself loving the sound of her genuine happiness.

When it died down, a couple of giggles later, Su Ah was looking at me differently, in a way that felt too warm and too affectionate, for a sister to look upon her own brother. There was an unguarded sort of honesty to her as she stared. "Alright, I might unabashedly lean on the prodigy if I ever find myself utterly hopeless and lost, hm...? Can I, Jae-il?" Her tone grew a shade softer as her lips pulled into a small, almost sheepish grin.

"Always, Noona. I'll always have your back." I told her, standing up and grabbing the plate to place in the sink. "If only to remind everyone how incredibly amazing my Noona is." I finished with a smile. If it could raise her spirit a little bit, it'd be worth the trouble.

"......"

Su Ah looked away, her bangs falling right over her slightly flushed face.