151 — Eun Ha – Psychiatrist Log #2 II

A/N: There's an illustration in this chapter. Let me know if it doesn't work and I'll upload it separately.

Eun Ha's POV:

"Are you... are you saying that..." Eun Ha was dumbstruck. "No, my son, he would never."

Dr. Han held up a hand, her voice steady. "I'm not accusing your son of anything, Eun Ha. I'm just asking you to think about it. We need to look at all sides here. Families can have complex ties. Sometimes, one person's actions can stir up feelings in others without meaning to."

Eun Ha shook her head hard. Tears began prickling the corner of her eyes. She finally reached out for one of those damn tissues. "No. Jae-il is a good boy. He's kind. He loves his family. He wouldn't... he couldn't be the reason for this mess." He'd always been the more responsible one among the kids.

Of course, Mia's conversation with him over the phone was a strong indication—if it was truly him—that he was in it too, voluntarily.

But to be the culprit...

No, there was no way.

'But then why didn't you let it drop? Why is Su Ah wearing a hickey, if it wasn't me that left it there? Why is Mia looking at me like that? Could it be me? Could it be them? Could it be you...?'

Jae-il's laugh slowly faded.

Dr. Han nodded slowly. "I believe you see him that way. And that might be true. But let's talk more. You say your daughters act strange around him. You feel drawn to him yourself. Could there be a pattern? Maybe he's not doing it on purpose. Maybe it's just how things are in your home."

Eun Ha stared at the floor. Her mind raced. Images of Jae-il flashed in her head. His smile. His laugh. The way he hugged her. It all felt wrong now. Certainly not because of him; he'd done nothing to provoke those feelings in her. She was fucked up—and it was all on her.

"What if it's me? What if I'm the one making everything bad? My thoughts... maybe they're poisoning everyone."

Dr. Han leaned in a bit. "That's a heavy weight to carry alone. But blame won't fix this. We need to understand it. Tell me more about Jae-il. How does he act with you all? Is he close in a way that feels... different?"

Eun Ha took a deep breath. "He's always been the center. Mia teases him, but it's loving. Su Ah isn't that outwardly close to him, but I know she cares more than she'd admit. And me... I just want to protect him. I just want him to be my son. But lately, it's been more. Too much more."

Dr. Han wrote a quick note. "It's okay to feel that. These attractions can happen in tight families. Stress, loss, change—they all play a part. Your husband works a lot, right? That leaves space for bonds to grow strong. Maybe too strong."

"It's... not his fault. It's... not anyone's fault. I don't think it matters why it happened. I just need it to not be there anymore." Eun Ha sagged.

Dr. Han tilted her head. "We haven't talked about your husband yet. How have his actions affected you?"

"We've... we've become distant." Eun Ha's reply was hesitant. This was all brand-new territory to her. "You see, well, we're... we're not quite intimate anymore. It's been a long time, in fact..."

"And why is that, Eun Ha?"

"He's cheated on me before, with a prostitute." Eun Ha hissed, a tinge of pain apparent in her voice. "I've found out. He did it on one of his company trips. And ever since then, the passion has been gone."

Dr. Han placed her pen on the notepad, meeting Eun Ha's gaze with a soft gaze. Her expression remained composed and understanding. You could've probably told this woman that the world was about to end in the next ten seconds, and all she'd do was give a nod and inquire politely whether the cause of the apocalypse had something to do with the weather or the traffic, perhaps. Or something equally ridiculous.

"That betrayal must have been incredibly painful." Dr. Han stated simply. "Loss of trust after infidelity can permanently alter the emotional landscape between partners."

Eun Ha nodded slowly, eyes fixed on her lap. "Yes."

"And how did this affect your intimacy?"

"After that..." Eun Ha continued, slowly. "I couldn't look at him the same way. I tried. I really tried. But every time he touched me, I thought about what he did. I couldn't forgive him. So I pulled away. And he… he stopped trying after a while." She swallowed, her throat tight.

"And has this created a void in your life? A longing for connection?"

Dr. Han's questions were direct but gentle. Eun Ha found herself nodding before she even processed the question.

"I... I guess so. I never thought of it that way." Eun Ha admitted. "I've just been focused on my kids. On being a mother."

Dr. Han nodded, not at all surprised. "This is quite common. When one part of life closes, the subconscious seeks to fill it somewhere else. The affection, the admiration, the desire for connection... it doesn't just disappear. It seeks a new outlet. In your case, it seems to have gravitated towards your children, particularly your son."

Eun Ha's head snapped up, her eyes wide with a fresh wave of horror. "But that's... that's sick."

Dr. Han's tone didn't change. "It's a maladaptive coping mechanism, Eun Ha. A displacement. Your mind, in its search for the connection it's missing in your marriage, has latched onto the safest, most available source of male affection in your immediate environment. Your son."

Eun Ha stared at Dr. Han, her mind reeling. Safe? Was it safe to want your son that way? To have thoughts that made you feel like a monster?

'Don't listen to her, mom. She's labeling your feelings to keep you paying.' The phantom Jae-il's voice was a snake coiling in her mind. 'But history shows this is natural. Cleopatra loved her brother-husband. Pharaohs married sisters. Greek plays sang about mother-son love. Even the Bible has Lot and his daughters. Is it really as bad as they make it out to be? If it goes against nature, why would any mother have to deal with this? Think of the untold stories: queens with young lovers, widows devoted to sons. Were they all broken, or did they recognize the truth? The strongest love grows where roots are deepest.'

Eun Ha pressed her palms against her temples, trying to physically push the thoughts out.

"Let's consider this..." Dr. Han continued, oblivious to the ghost in the room. "Your son is no longer a little boy. He's becoming a man. Perhaps your mind is starting to see him in a different light, blending the maternal affection you feel with a reawakened, but misplaced, sexual need."

The inner Jae-il scoffed. 'Nothing misplaced here. You know it, your marriage's a graveyard. Father sees you as furniture. An old relic that has long outlived its use. But hey, now you know what a real connection feels like. You felt it the night you first let yourself think about me that way. When you dipped your naughty little fingers doooown there~The relief. The heat. The pleasure. Think about the pleasure, mom. Don't let her take that from you just because society decided it's inconvenient.'

Eun Ha's eyes stung. She wanted to argue, to push the voice away, but it felt so reasonable. There were those few times where it managed to hit that right spot.

'When I come home...' The voice finished. 'You won't have to be alone anymore. You won't have to pretend. Just let it happen. It's already happening.'

Dr. Han paused, noticing the shift in Eun Ha's expression.

"Eun Ha? Are you still with me?"

Eun Ha's breath hitched. "I need to go."

Dr. Han didn't stop her. She simply watched as Eun Ha stood up, her movements stiff and erratic.

"Eun Ha…" Dr. Han's voice was calm. "Before you leave, I want you to consider something. What if your son isn't the innocent bystander in all this? You see him as a child, but he is a teenage boy on the cusp of manhood, receiving immense attention and adoration from the public. He is navigating a world of fame and pressure. Perhaps, he is also seeking comfort and familiarity in the chaos. And who offers that more readily than his own family?"

Eun Ha froze, her hand on the doorknob.

'What if...' The thought bloomed, dirty and, at the same time, beautiful. 'What if he feels it too? What if he looks at me and sees not just a mother, but a woman? What if when he hugs me, it's not just a son's embrace?'

She fled the room, the doctor's calm parting words chasing her down the hallway.

"Think about it, Eun Ha. The key is not just in your feelings, but in how you all interact."

The walk back home was a headache. Dr. Han's words were a splinter lodged under her skin, and the phantom Jae-il's whispers were the infection setting in around it. She didn't remember getting on the bus, or the ride back, or unlocking the front door.

She kicked her shoes off, feeling an immense weight on her chest, and stumbled into the dark living room. She winced, her calf twinging painfully from all the walking.

Damn it.

Eun Ha blinked slowly as the muffled steps behind in the kitchen caught her attention. Could it be one of her daughters? Truly a shitty timing for them see Eun Ha right now, all frazzled and absent-minded; they'd surely notice something was off with her.

She made her way towards the couch, standing in the middle of the living room and froze when a pale sliver of light cut through the darkness, outlining a silhouette. So there really was someone?

"Su Ah? Mia?" Her voice emerged thin, frayed. "I'm back..."

She put her purse down.

Then someone emerged. Eun Ha turned towards it, already in the process of tidying up her hair and schooling her features into something human.

But the silhouette wasn't one of her daughters—the shoulders were too broad, the posture too casual, and she knew those lean lines with maternal instinct before thought registered.

"......!!"

Eun Ha felt her heart stop for a moment, her fingers sinking into the upholstery of the couch, twisting the damn fabric like the person in front of her was twisting her heart right now.

He was home.

Early.

"Jae-il?!" Eun Ha was startled, standing there, purple eyes impossibly wide. "Y-You're back already?!"

What—but, no—

'I'm not ready!'

Jae-il closed the distance in three silent strides, a gentle smile sitting beneath the very same purple eyes she'd see on herself in the mirror. The faint ring of sunlight that streaked across his face made them shine brighter than usual.

"Sorry, didn't mean to startle you. I was just helping myself there." He said. Then, softer, with a playful edge. "You look like hell, though. What's wrong?"

Eun Ha inhaled sharply. She raised her eyes to his—really seeing the teenager-turned-star standing in front of her.

"I was… I was…"

She trailed off, trembling, and he must've noticed everything wrong with her the moment he softly wrapped his arms around her, swallowing her whole, in the worst place she could ever be at the moment.

"It's been a while, mom. I missed you…"

Jae-il held her in place, playfully swaying her around as he tightened his grip.

"......"