150 — Eun Ha – Psychiatrist Log #2

Eun Ha's POV:

Psychiatrist Log #2

Patient: Jong Eun Ha

Session 2 – XX/XX/2025

Dr. Han Ji Yoon (private practice, Seoul)

...

Eun Ha sat on the same plush armchair, her hands clenched tightly in her lap, the pale lavender fabric of her dress creasing under her white-knuckled grip.

Dr Han sat opposite her, her expression calm and unreadable as always, a small notepad resting on her lap, a pen poised over it.

"So, how are you feeling today?"

The question, so simple and so common, was the one Eun Ha dreaded the most. How was she feeling? She didn't know. She felt everything and nothing at all, all at once.

She didn't trust herself to speak, so she just gave a weak, watery smile.

Dr. Han waited patiently. Her patience was one of the things Eun Ha both appreciated and found deeply unsettling.

She could've stayed silent for the entire session if she so wished, and Dr. Han wouldn't bat an eye.

But what was the point of coming here if she couldn't even bring herself to open her mouth?

"I think... I think I'm doing better." Eun Ha finally found her voice, and along with it, released her stressed grip, trying to smooth out the wrinkles on her dress.

"You're not convinced?" Dr. Han prompted, her pen now tapping lightly against her notepad. Her eyes held a knowing look.

"I... I'm trying to be." Eun Ha admitted. And wasn't that the truth? She managed to hold a brief conversation with Jae-il without breaking down in front of him. Granted, it was a video call, and the brief conversation was barely twenty seconds long.

The doctor watched her for a moment. "Eun Ha..." She started, her tone gentle but firm. "We've talked about this. Progress isn't linear. There are good days and bad days. What matters is that you keep trying."

Eun Ha nodded, her throat feeling tight. 'Yes, I can keep trying…' More like, she had to. It wasn't like she could simply give up, right?

'You could… nothing wrong with that, mom.' Jae-il hissed; Eun Ha could almost swear the young man himself was sitting next to her right now, arms crossed, as he stared at Dr. Han like she was a pathetic waste of air, and an even more pathetic excuse for a mental health care professional. 'What exactly did she do for you, aside from scribbling useless words in her damn notebook? Shouldn't you ask for a refund, mom? Are you really feeling better? You know I'll be back soon. What are you going to do then?'

'I'm trying to get help, Jae-il. I'm trying to get better, for you, for Mia, for Su Ah, for myself...' Eun Ha argued back mentally.

'For me? For them? Really? They're all secretly as fucked up as you are. If you're doing it for us, then who's going to do it for you? Because, let's face it, as far as I've seen… you're a lost cause.' Phantom Jae-il scoffed, not even looking at her, instead keeping his gaze fixed on Dr. Han—who couldn't possibly see this twisted apparition sitting right next to her. 'You know Mia is already a walking powder-keg that'll blow up if you continue to push her. And Su Ah? You saw that hickey. Come on, now. Think! Who gave it to her, mom? Who was Mia talking to on the phone? Why don't you know anything about what's happening under your own roof? Why is that they're hiding it? I bet it all circles back to me. I mean, it has to, right? Except that while you're here being crazy, they're there, growing bolder each day.'

Eun Ha wanted to pinch herself, to force herself back to reality. But, her hands stayed limp and deadweight beside her. She just tuned out those vile words. Yes, she couldn't let him get under her skin like that.

This ghost of her was just a representation of all her impulses.

Dr. Han leaned forward slightly, breaking into her thoughts. "So, tell me. What's been on your mind this past week?"

'Me…' Jae-il said, smug as all hell.

Eun Ha bit her bottom lip, calmed herself down, and met Dr. Han's eyes. The woman in front of her was the only one who could latch onto Eun Ha's hand before she fell off the cliff.

And just like that, the floodgates opened.

Eun Ha couldn't hold it in anymore. She told Dr. Han about the phone call she had overheard. Mia's strange reaction. The accusation. The way Mia had stormed out of the room.

She even admitted to the dark, intrusive thoughts that plagued her, the ones that sounded suspiciously like her own son's voice.

"I think... I think I might have made a terrible mistake." Eun Ha's voice cracked a little as she recalled Mia's face the other night. "I think I've pushed her away."

Dr. Han listened without interrupting, her pen occasionally scratching across the paper. When Eun Ha finished, the older woman offered her a soft look "Eun Ha, you acted on your intuition. You saw something that concerned you, and you addressed it. That takes courage." Then she shifted, crossing one leg over the other. "But this is something new to me, Eun Ha. Is your daughter also attracted to your son? As you are?"

Eun Ha flinched as if struck. "I... I don't know. I don't want to think about it. It's disgusting." The word tasted like bile in her mouth. It was the same word she had used to describe her own desires, and the hypocrisy was a bitter pill to swallow.

But she really didn't want to believe a scenario where both mother and daughter were locked in this horrible mess of affection towards Jae-il. What would that make them, anyway? Perverts?

Was that the problem all along, then? That her daughters were exhibiting similar, if not the exact, symptoms that were keeping her in her personal hell? Was it her fault, after all? Were there warning signs that she ignored, thinking it was natural and didn't need to be questioned?

Dr. Han's expression remained unchanged. "Disgusting is a strong word. Perhaps 'complicated' would be more accurate."

"Complicated..." Eun Ha repeated the word. It felt safer, more neutral. It didn't negate the wrongness of it all, but didn't make her out to be a monster either. Still, the doctor's words had a funny way of circling back to her. She was not judging her; she was trying to understand.

Dr. Han let the silence go on, giving her patient the space to process her own thoughts. Then she asked. "How do you feel about her now, after this argument?"

"I... I feel guilty. And scared." Eun Ha admitted, her gaze dropping to her hands. "Scared that I've ruined our relationship. Scared that... if I was right... I don't know what I would do."

"You did what you thought was best for her, Eun Ha." Dr. Han's tone was reassuring. "But this strikes me as a little... surprising. What kind of relationship does she have with your son? You have told me very little about the dynamic between the three of them."

"They... they are very close." Eun Ha said slowly. "He dotes on them. He's always been the baby of the family, but... he's always had this... this maturity about him. He's always been wise beyond his age. Especially when he was a child; I'd had so many other moms asking me for advice. It was getting ridiculous." She smiled fondly at the thought. "My oldest daughter, especially, has always been very protective of him. And proud. She talks about him all the time."

'And she's fucking him too...' The ghost in her mind whispered. 'And you're just letting it happen, mom.'

Eun Ha's face tensed up, but she chose to ignore the insidious mental poison.

"The second one... she's quieter. More reserved." Eun Ha continued. "But she adores him too. She has this... this intensity, sometimes. But she's a sweet and caring girl. A little bit of a recluse, but that's just her way. She's always been like that. She has this passion for writing and astronomy that she got from her grandmother. She's been looking forward to some comet, I think. She's been all giddy about it." Eun Ha paused, her face scrunching up. "I feel like I don't really know them as well as I thought I did."

"Children grow up." Dr. Han said, a simple, but profound statement. "They develop their own inner lives. It's natural for a mother to feel a little left behind. This isn't something you should blame on yourself."

Eun Ha gave a mute, wry little grin at that. That was such a consoling way of putting it, but in a sense, she was the one at fault, right?

The silence lingered for a few moments, punctured only by the scribbling of Dr. Han's pen. "And your youngest daughter, have you noticed any difference in her?" She questioned.

Eun Ha struggled with this question. If she had a hard time figuring out whether Mia loved or wanted to fuck her little brother, Su Ah was a complete mystery to her, a bright star trapped in a darkened cosmos, burning on its own.

"I.. well... I noticed something, maybe nothing, but... the other day I noticed a hickey, like, she must have gotten into some sort of romantic trouble, and maybe it's all normal stuff, just part of growing up, but, maybe not, I—I don't really have the answer for that either." Eun Ha's words slowly became an incoherent mess; the thought that Su Ah was somehow caught in the middle of all of this madness became a cauldron of paranoia, jealousy and confusion.

She wasn't quite sure whether this was all one big plot or simply consequences that resulted from their respective sins. "Maybe she's got a crush on a classmate. Or maybe it was nothing and I'm just overthinking."

"Have you asked her about it?" Dr. Han tilted her head.

"Yes..." Eun Ha fidgeted. "But she's been evasive about it, and her older sister seemed to know. The two of them have been at each other's throats lately."

"Hmm..." Dr. Han's pen scribbled some more. Eun Ha didn't like the sound of it. "Are they both teenagers? Adolescent mood swings aren't anything uncommon, perhaps even expected."

"They're both adults."

Dr. Han set down her notepad and pen. Eun Ha felt a brief flicker of relief. "Eun Ha…" The doctor began, her tone measured. "Is it possible we should consider whether your son's actions—whether romantic or intimate—might be responsible for eliciting these reactions from them?"