Chapter 60 – The Lie I Loved

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They named you blessed beneath their light. Then sold you to their sacred rite. While every prayer ignored your plea. You learned to hide your heart from me.

You offered trust with trembling hands. Yet love became another brand. Each tender vow, each sweet disguise, Left deeper wounds behind your eyes.

So bring me every scar you hide. The broken child you keep inside. Let all who failed you fade away. For I will choose you every day.

*

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I closed my eyes and said nothing for a long while. The quiet settled around us again, gentle and unhurried, leaving only the pale crackle of the burning branches above and the warmth beneath my head.

I let myself stay there for one last moment.

When I opened my eyes again, I knew. Somewhere in the silence, I had already decided.

My gaze drifted away from Lilith, rising instead toward the crimson sky above us where pale fire wandered lazily through the branches of the great tree. I watched it for another heartbeat before slowly pushing myself upright.

Her fingers slipped from my hair without resistance, taking their warmth with them. She neither asked what I was doing nor tried to stop me.

She simply watched.

I rose to my feet and walked a few steps away, my eyes drifting aimlessly across the crimson horizon. The scorched earth stretched endlessly before me. Even the silence seemed content to follow. The ground beneath my feet was warm, just like everything else in her domain… just like her. And I found myself staring ahead without really seeing any of it.

My thoughts should have been racing, yet they felt strangely clear.

My hand came to rest lightly against my chest, feeling the heartbeat that still refused to settle after something as small as a kiss.

The memory of her lips against mine lingered with an impossible stubbornness, and despite everything else that had happened between us today, somehow that small moment refused to let itself be forgotten.

It was ridiculous.

I had faced monsters without trembling, stood against armies, and walked willingly toward my own death more than once. Yet a single kiss from her had left my heart racing.

Every time I looked at her now, the thread between our souls carried something so gentle that I still didn’t know how to respond to it. She offered everything so freely that accepting any of it still felt unfamiliar.

My fingers tightened against the fabric over my heart. I drew in one slow breath, then turned around.

Lilith was exactly where I had left her, watching me with a quiet smile. She was simply waiting for me to decide.

I met her eyes.

“…Okay,” I said softly.

The word felt much smaller than the decision behind it.

“I’m ready.”

For an instant, she merely looked at me. Then her expression brightened, and one of the warmest smiles I had ever seen spread across her face.

Without saying a word, she slowly opened her arms, the gentleness of the gesture making it feel almost ceremonial.

I blinked. For one wonderfully confusing heartbeat, I couldn’t understand what she meant.

“…What?”

A quiet laugh escaped her.

She patted her lap once, then opened her arms again with the same patient smile—somehow gentler than before.

Heat rushed into my face so quickly I thought I might actually catch fire.

She… She wanted me to sit there.

I lowered my head before she could enjoy the full extent of my embarrassment, though judging by the soft laugh that followed, I had already failed.

For a brief moment, I considered refusing—not because I didn’t want to, but because I did. That was precisely the problem.

I sighed quietly to myself. I knew I couldn’t refuse her, and, more importantly, I didn’t want to. Before my courage could abandon me, I began walking back toward her.

She didn’t move or urge me forward. She simply kept her arms open, waiting as though she already knew what I would choose.

When I reached her, I hesitated only long enough to steady my breathing before carefully turning and lowering myself onto her lap.

Her warmth welcomed me immediately.

Before I could settle properly, her arms slipped gently around my waist, drawing me back against her without the slightest trace of force.

It felt… good.

Far more comfortable than it had the first time. Realizing that only made the heat in my face spread further.

Lilith chuckled behind me, the sound vibrating softly against my back where I rested against her chest. She adjusted me only slightly, making certain I was comfortable before settling into a gentle, unhurried embrace.

Then I felt her rest her chin lightly against the top of my head.

“Then…” she whispered, and I felt her smile before I heard the rest. “I’m ready to listen.”

Hearing those words, I froze.

The warmth of her voice settled against me more deeply than her embrace ever could, and for a long moment I remained where I was, listening to the quiet rhythm of her breathing behind me.

I allowed myself to stay within that safety for just a little longer.

Because once I began…

There would be no taking any of it back.

I had spent so many years convincing myself those memories no longer had any hold over me. I buried them beneath duty, beneath faith, beneath… anger. They had always been there, waiting somewhere beneath the surface, but I had never spoken of them.

Not like this.

Not to anyone.

And certainly not because I wanted to.

I curled my fingers around her forearm, using the warmth beneath my hand to gather the courage to begin.

There were no parts of myself I still wanted to keep locked away from her.

I had already given her my trust.

Now… I wanted to give her the rest of me too.

“I… don’t really know where to begin.” A quiet smile tugged at my lips, though there was very little happiness behind it.

“I suppose that’s not true.” I shook my head faintly. “I know where it begins. I’ve just spent so long trying not to think about it that… saying it aloud feels stranger than I imagined.”

Lilith didn’t say anything. She didn’t encourage me to continue.

She simply held me, and somehow that quiet patience made the words come a little easier.

“My parents…” I looked toward the pale flames ahead. “They were a lot like yours.”

For a moment, I wondered if comparing them was unfair. But when I remembered everything she had shown me… everything she had survived… I realized it wasn’t.

“My father was always drunk. I can scarcely remember him remaining sober for more than a few hours.” My gaze drifted somewhere far beyond the crimson horizon, following memories only I could see. “He’d come home angry, and if my mother happened to be nearby, she’d be the first one he hit. If she wasn’t…” I let out a quiet breath. “Then it was usually me.”

The words came more easily than I expected.

And I knew it was because of her. Because I was tired of carrying them alone.

“My mother wasn’t much different.” I found myself tracing absent-minded circles across Lilith’s arm with my thumb as I spoke. “She blamed me for almost everything. If there wasn’t enough food, it was somehow my fault. If my father came home in a foul mood, that became my fault too. And if he beat her…” I lowered my eyes. “She always found her way back to me afterward.”

A faint, humorless smile crossed my face.

“She was just like him. It just… hurt a little less when it was her.”

I waited for Lilith to say something, but her embrace remained exactly the same. She didn’t tense. She didn’t pity me. She simply stayed, letting me decide when I was ready to continue.

“I think…” I murmured after a while, “…the only reason I managed to endure any of it was because I had someone.”

Before I realized it, I was smiling.

“There was a girl who lived in the village. She was around my age, and somehow we ended up spending almost every day together.” I let out a quiet laugh. “Looking back, I don’t think either of us was particularly good at staying where we were supposed to. We’d sneak out whenever we could and disappear for hours, climbing trees, racing through the forest, pretending we were great adventurers, convinced no one would ever find us.”

The smile lingered a little longer.

“We even found a little place hidden among the trees.” I could picture it as clearly as if I were standing there again. “It wasn’t anything remarkable. Just a small clearing where the sunlight always seemed a little warmer than everywhere else. But to us…” I shook my head, laughing softly to myself. “It was our place. We’d sit there for hours talking about whatever happened to cross our minds, making promises that only children could believe would last forever.”

The warmth of that memory lingered for only a heartbeat before it slipped quietly away.

“But…” My voice grew softer. “Everything changed when I turned ten.”

“It was the day the church held the awakening ceremony. Every child who reached the age of ten stood before the cleric to have their affinity checked. It was supposed to be ordinary.”

I closed my eyes for a moment.

“He never even touched me. The moment he stepped toward me…” I drew a slow breath. “Holy light burst from my body. I still remember it. The light. The fear. The confused faces staring back at me.”

I laughed quietly.

“They called it a miracle.”

“They said the gods themselves had blessed me. That I had been chosen.” There was no joy in the smile that followed. “They told everyone I was special.”

I let the words hang there for a moment before shaking my head.

“I didn’t feel special, though…”

Before the words had fully left me, I felt Lilith’s embrace tighten ever so slightly.

Her lips brushed gently against my hair.

“But you’re special to me.”

The words were so simple. So quietly certain.

I smiled.

It came so naturally that I didn’t even realize I was doing it.

And somehow, hearing her call me special mattered more than hearing the gods themselves say it ever had.

I don’t think she realized what those words had done to me.

Or perhaps she did.

“I don’t remember much about those next few days.”

I watched another pale ember drift lazily through the branches above us before it disappeared into the crimson sky.

“I remember people staring whenever I walked through the village. The priests visiting our house more than once. And…” I hesitated for only a moment. “I remember my friend.”

The smile lingered for only a heartbeat before it quietly disappeared.

“I didn’t understand it back then. I only knew that every time she looked at me, something had changed. She still smiled… but it never reached her eyes anymore. Somehow every conversation found its way back to the church, to the awakening… to the blessing I had received.”

My hand went still where it rested over Lilith’s arm.

“I answered every question she asked.” A faint smile touched my lips before quietly fading. “I thought she was simply curious. I thought…” I shook my head gently. “I thought that was what friends did.”

“The night before the church arrived, I told her I was frightened. Rumours had already begun spreading that they intended to take me away, so I made her promise that if they came, she wouldn’t tell anyone where I had gone.

“She promised.

“On the third morning after the awakening, I saw the paladins approaching our house and slipped away before they could reach it. I ran to our clearing—to the only place in the village where I had ever felt safe.”

I held Lilith’s arm a little more firmly.

“They found me before midday. My friend was standing behind them at the edge of the trees, staring at the ground. She wouldn’t even look at me.”

I swallowed quietly.

“I never learned what they said to her or whether she understood what would happen after she told them. At ten years old, none of that mattered to me. All I understood was that the person I trusted most had broken the one promise I believed she would always keep.

“The paladins brought me back to the village. A cardinal from the regional church was waiting outside our house, and nearly everyone had gathered to watch what would happen to the child the gods had supposedly chosen.

“I knew they had come to take me, but I still believed it was because the gods had chosen me.” I lowered my gaze. “Then I saw my parents smiling as they accepted the gold.”

“Five hundred gold.” My jaw tightened as the words left me. “That was all I was worth to them.”

My hands were trembling before I even realized it.

Without interrupting me, Lilith loosened one arm from around my waist and reached for my trembling hand. Her fingers threaded gently between mine before giving it a slow, reassuring squeeze.

I squeezed back.

The anger was still there, quiet now but no less real. Even so, the warmth of her hand steadied me enough to continue.

“After that… the church became my entire world.” My attention remained on our joined hands. “For the next fifteen years, all I did was train. From the moment I woke until long after the sun had disappeared, every day was the same. Swordsmanship. Magic. Prayer. Scripture. Discipline.” I shook my head faintly. “Eventually the days stopped feeling separate. They simply became my life.”

Lilith’s thumb moved slowly across the back of my hand.

“The blessing changed everything. Once word spread that the God of Sanctuary had blessed me, people stopped looking at me the way they used to.” I could no longer keep the bitterness from my voice. “Suddenly everyone wanted to stand close to me. Priests. Nobles. Other paladins. They all wanted something.”

“None of them wanted me.”

“So I kept everyone at a distance. It was easier that way.” Lilith’s hand remained securely around mine as one name rose from memories I would have preferred to leave buried. “…Almost everyone.”

“Beatrice.”

Even after all this time, speaking her name stirred the same old resentment.

“She refused to leave.”

I stared ahead, seeing memories instead of the crimson horizon stretching before us.

“No matter how often I pushed her away, she always found another reason to stay. She walked beside me after training. Sat with me during meals. Spoke to me as though I were just another girl instead of the church’s miracle.” I let out a slow breath. “Somewhere along the way, she became the only person I looked forward to seeing.”

My jaw tightened.

“She was the first person who ever made me believe I could be loved.”

“She stole my first kiss.”

My voice grew quieter, though the anger beneath it only deepened.

“Before I understood what was happening, I had already decided that one day I would give her my heart.

“I never noticed the moment I began trusting her completely.

“At first, I told myself I was only tolerating her because she refused to leave me alone. Then I convinced myself it was because she was the only person stubborn enough to ignore the walls I’d built around myself. Looking back now… I had simply grown used to having her beside me.”

I let out a quiet breath.

“Then one day… everything fell apart.”

“By then, I’d spent years learning to control my blessing. The priests believed the God of Sanctuary’s light would reveal anything touched by darkness, and every year I became a little more capable of calling upon it.

“One day, while I was using it during training, I looked at Beatrice…”

The memory sharpened within me.

“…and for just a single heartbeat, I saw someone else.”

“It disappeared almost immediately. I remember standing there wondering if I’d imagined it. I tried convincing myself I’d simply lost control of my blessing.”

I had wanted that explanation so desperately.

“But after that, I couldn’t stop thinking about it. Every time I looked at her, I wondered if what I’d seen had really been there.”

I drew a slow breath.

“Eventually… I asked her.”

“I didn’t accuse her. I didn’t draw my sword. I just wanted her to tell me I was wrong.”

My voice became very quiet.

“Instead… her disguise crumbled like ash.”