Chapter 100: He who holds the horn. (5)

“Please follow me, Countess Vritara, the Crown Princess will see you now.”

A maid bowed deeply to Alice, who finished the cup of tea she had been given and put it down before she got up from the couch. She’d arrived at the palace so early that Abigail had still been in the process of getting ready for the day so she had been guided to a salon so that she may enjoy some refreshments as she waited.

Another maid, who had been quietly waiting in the back, stepped forward to clean away the tea as Alice was guided through the halls of the palace. There was an unusual silence hanging in the air of the palace, a subdued gloom that seemed to suffuse each breath.

“I wish you a pleasant chat, please ring the bell should you desire any further refreshments to be delivered.”

Rather than the usual garden where Alice and Abigail met, the maid brought Alice to Abigail’s room, bowing respectfully as she opened the door and stepped aside. Looking inside, Alice could see where the subdued gloom that hung over the palace came from.

“You’ve let yourself go, Abigail.”

Alice spoke plainly as she entered the room, closing the door behind her so that it was only the two of them. The room really was rather messy, Abigail had brought in a large table, one that you would usually only see within one’s office, and placed it in the center of the room. Papers and books were strewn across the table, and on the floor around it, words and drawings scrawled on each of them.

Abigail was sitting at the desk, her elbow leaning on the table as she rested her head in her hand while looking at the papers. She had just been done up for the day so her hair and clothes were neat, but Alice could see the pale shade that covered her skin, the dark bags hidden beneath layers of makeup.

The amber eyes that rose to look at Alice had taken on a light shade of red from how bloodshot they were. The light within them was rather dark, the gloom that swallowed the palace spewed from them unceasingly. Abigail looked miserable, her shoulders so slumped that she seemed to be carrying the world itself.

“Alice… Have you come to return to our conversation from that day?”

Abigail rubbed her eyes wearily as she spoke, pushing aside some of the papers she had been working on. She’d been pushing it ever since she peered into the established flow of time. Well, it hadn’t really been that long honestly, but it felt like several lifetimes. She felt heavy, like she was sinking deeper and deeper. But above all… She felt alone.

“In a way. There are things I wish to ask. And seeing your state, there are things I wish to say. Is it an opportune time?”

Alice spoke in a questioning tone, but her posture as she dragged over a chair and sat down made it clear that she hadn’t come here just to leave empty-handed.

“Ask away, there’s no one but me around.”

Abigail almost sounded somewhat bleak as she spoke, a low and dull chuckle almost rolling out from her throat. She’d really tried to get Alice to understand the situation after she peered into the flow of time, the severity of their current conundrum. But Alice still made her choice, and Abigail expected that to be the last they would see of each other. But seeing her taking the initiative to come here to discuss it… She would be lying if she said that it didn’t ignite a spark of hope.

“You spoke of possible futures, all of them converging on the here and now. I assume you spoke of this because of what Teresa said at the investiture, the strange things she saw, heard, and felt, right? Were those fragments of one such possible future?”

Alice had things she wanted to say, things she wanted to ask, but first she had to line up the facts that she had. Abigail gave a slow nod of her head, so Alice knew she was on the right track, pressing on.

“I’ve had a few strange dreams in the past days, nonsensical scenes of me and Caine, and occasionally you as well. Can I assume that these are also possible futures trying to impose themselves on the present?”

Alice still remembered it oh-so vividly, that disgusting sensation swarming her as she slept. The feeling of her body not listening to her as she was forced to be a spectator trapped within her own flesh, as foreign emotions splattered across her insides with each beating of a tainted heart. It was sickening.

“… Correct. The world isn’t sure which one to pick since they’re all so likely to come to pass so some of them are squeezing into the cracks caused by the pressure.”

There was a trace of hesitation as Abigail spoke and gave a heavy nod. She wasn’t being entirely honest, but how could she? She couldn’t tell Alice about the loop, about the repeated attempts trying to break into their current one. To speak of the loop was the second-greatest taboo of the loop, dragging in those not related to its creation could cause the entire thing to evaporate.

Abigail’s other hand rose to her face, her thumb nestling between her lips as she started to chew on her nail. Her head hurt, and not just because she had looked at the established flow of time. Parts of her memory were empty, scattered and broken. Since she looked into the flow of time, she knew of the loops that she shouldn’t have experienced yet. Parts of the memories entered her since she had once been part of those loops, but it wasn’t complete. So her mind tried to supplement what she couldn’t remember with what she knew, creating chimeric memories that felt like nails scraping against her brain.

She didn’t know about them, yet she did. She had been in them, yet she had not. Why didn’t she know, how didn’t she know? And above all… Why hadn’t he told her? Why hadn’t he just talked to her?

Alice could see a few questions swimming about within Abigail’s eyes, the pain that gnawed at her insides. But even so, she asked her own questions, the time for comforting could come later.

“I see, I expected as much after our last talk. But tell me, Abigail, did you come to this world willingly or did something else bring you here?”

Alice looked straight at Abigail as she questioned her, spoke directly to the one within that had usurped the original Abigail. The lips chewing on the fingernail came to an abrupt halt, the amber pupils trembling fiercely as her breath seemed to get caught in her chest.

“…Ah… I…”

Abigail struggled to let out her breath, much less her words. How did she know? Had she seen something in the dreams? Had one of the gods intervened and spoken to her? Or had Azuras somehow messed with things again? The urgent questions swam around in her head, but Alice simply locked eyes with her and looked straight at her.

“Answer me, Abigail. Why did you come here?”

Alice needed to know, how she would proceed from here hinged entirely on the answer Abigail gave.

Abigail flapped her lips a few time, some strangled sounds slipping out occasionally. But Alice’s gaze never let up, so confident that it pierced into Abigail. She really knew, Alice had really learned the truth.

“…I was offered a deal, by the original Abigail and the one who, at the time, served as the god of time. There was a world that needed saving, so if I agreed to take over the body of Abigail and helped save the world then they would fulfill my wish.”

The words came out easier than Abigail expected, especially considering how much she struggled with responding at first. As she spoke, parts of the tightness in her chest receded, sinking back into the depths. She felt… liberated. This was her secret, and she had carried it for years, Kaisel standing as her only witness. To finally be able to tell someone the truth, to finally get a chance to vent…

“And you accepted it.”

Alice clearly did not feel as liberated as Abigail, speaking shortly and plainly, more stating facts than commenting on anything. But still, it felt good to get it off her chest so Abigail did not mind it. Depending on how much Alice questioned, perhaps Abigail would finally get some of the condemnation she deserved.

“I did. They fulfilled my wish, gave me a medium to see parts of this world so that I could prepare, and a few years later, the time for me to take over this body came.”

She had a wish, a dream she was desperate enough to fulfill that she was willing to make a deal that meant eventually abandoning her own world and life. And they, the original Abigail and Kaisel, had fulfilled that wish for her.

“Was there no family back home to keep you there, no loved ones that you would like to stay with?”

Alice spoke in a rather inquisitive, curious even, tone. It was a rather natural question for the situation, most people thought about the family they would leave behind should they go far away. Perhaps it was because Abigail was reminiscing about this family, but she did not see the glint of light that flashed through Alice’s eyes when she answered.

“There was, probably even is. I had a brother, Zacarias Vargas. He was a cute child, you should have seen him. But he was unfortunate because he was born in the wrong place and at the wrong time, in the middle of a civil war. And he was too pure, he didn’t know any better so he just took in everything he was taught. So, like animals, they painted him black.”

At first, there was a gentle and soft tone to her voice, her eyes and lips naturally curving into a smile. But her expression dimmed as she spoke, when she ended her sentence she was clenching her fist so hard that her veins bulged and wriggled like worms.

That brother of hers… How could she ever forget him? It had all been for him from the start, all because of those filthy animals who abandoned their humanity.

“Is that it? No other family, no parents?”

Once again, Alice questioned in a seemingly normal tone. And once again, Abigail couldn’t see the sharp glint that flashed through her pupils.

If Abigail was gloomy before, then she became downright dark when questioned about her parents. Her lips curled into a derisive sneer, filled with such contempt that one would think she was looking at something worse than plague-ridden garbage.

“We had a thing that called itself our father, but it doesn’t deserve to be called that. It started to train us practically from the moment we could walk, desperately trying to paint its colors onto us. It made Zacarias take part in a mission when he was five, five! It made him enter a village and poison a well, it made what should have been a cute little child kill close to a hundred people just because he looked harmless! That thing had no right to live.”

Her fist slammed onto the table as she stood up, a hoarse growl escaping her lips, the thick marble plate splitting apart beneath her clenched fist. She had met many a monster in her life, but that thing was the only monster she felt could rival Azuras in vileness and depravity.

“Did you kill him?”

It was a question that wasn’t a question. The answer was clear not just because Alice knew how Gabriel was, it would be clear to anyone who could see the dark light of violence and hatred swimming in Abigail’s eyes.

“That was my wish, an end to the monster that plagued our lives.”

Abigail sank back down into her chair, her head resting in her hand again as she let out a long breath. Due to that thing’s position she herself had no way to kill it, so she used her wish to ensure that it happened. But did they become happy after that?

“I can’t even call it funny how things only got worse afterward… Never forget Alice, there is no peace after you get rid of the monster, there’s always just more monsters. It’s true here, and it was true there.”

She spoke as if she was giving Alice a bit of advice, but she was clearly also reminding herself. Really, she thought things would get better after that thing died, that they could get away from the civil war and spend some years together in peace before she had to depart. But there was no peace to be found for them, just more monsters.

“If that’s how you feel, then why are you so insistent on saving this world?”

Alice’s voice was blank, not a trace of emotion lingering in her tone, to the point that it was almost eerie.

“…”

Abigail was silent for a moment, chewing on her words. Why… This wasn’t her world, these weren’t her people or family. So why was she so insistent on saving them, shackling her own soul to a time loop that could easily be the end of her?

“Because despite it all, despite the monsters that never seem to stop coming, I am thankful to both Abigail and the god of time that brought me here.”

What a simple truth it was. Despite everything that happened here, despite the way they had yanked her from her own world, despite the things that happened to her and her brother after her wish was fulfilled. Despite everything, Abigail was thankful.

“It may be strange to say, especially since I’m just someone hijacking this body, but there are people here I am fond of. They are good people, nice people, true people. I want them to be happy, and I want them to live long lives. Were it not for Abigail and that god, I would never have gotten to meet these people. And Caine…”

Her words trailed off at the end, her weary eyes drifting. The people she had met in this world were a thousand times better than those she had met in her own world, they were a million times better than the thing that tried to call itself her father. And so, she loved them all dearly and wanted them to be safe. And Caine…

“Was Caine one of the reasons you came here?”

This time, Abigail could sense it. A trace of sympathy, or perhaps understanding, lingering around the edges of Alice’s tone. She raised her gaze for a moment, locking eyes with Alice. Of course Alice understood her emotions, Abigail could see it every time she saw Alice look at Gabriel. In that regard, the two were one and the same.

But the answer to the question was actually a shake of her head.

“No. The medium that let me see parts of this world were all the memories of the original Abigail so I only saw things that she focused on. Caine… He did not mean as much to her as the rest of the country and the citizen, he was just another man in the endless sea of people she had to protect.”

Yes, in the memories she received from the original Abigail, there was barely anything about Caine. She never even looked at him properly. When the original Abigail reached out along with Kaisel to find someone that could take over her body and save the world, it wasn’t because she loved Caine or someone else in particular. No, the original Abigail simply loved this world, this empire, her citizens.

If it meant saving them, she was willing to abandon her own body and use her soul as a sacrifice to entice the gods into creating the time loop. The original Abigail was the base of it all, the current Abigail was just the one that had been tied to it to protect the empire that was oh-so loved.

Being filled with so much love for the empire, how could the original Abigail not be loved in return? The current Abigail got to experience that for herself when she took over.

“But Caine loved Abigail, I got to learn that first hand when I came and took over this body. And I… profited on that love, I took it for myself.”

She had seen it as she interacted with Caine more after coming here. The way he looked at her, the tone of his voice, his actions. She didn’t recognize it at first, but she learned it in the end. Love. Caine loved Abigail, he looked at her with nothing but the warmest of love.

“Really… I’m just horrible…”

And the current Abigail had sucked it all in, taken it all for herself. The warm looks, the loving touch, the gentle words, she greedily drank it all. That which she had never received before, she took it all from someone else. Gods how she occasionally hated herself when she thought that none of those looks were for her.

“That brother of yours, do you still think of him?”

Despite Abigail’s mutter, Alice actually changed the topic back to her family. Her voice was almost a little sharp, prying even. But Abigail answered honestly. She wanted to talk about it, she wanted to finally tell someone. She wanted someone to know just how horrible she was, perhaps then she would be able to breathe a little easier.

“How could I not? I never even got to say a proper farewell, they just whisked me away one day while I was on a mission. What became of him after? How did he grow up? What color did he acquire in the end? I never got to see it. I wanted to help him find a better life once it was all over, once we had some peace, before I had to go. But I never got that chance, and instead I just ended up abandoning him all alone in that horrible life.”

They took her when she was out on a mission. Cracked open the air in front of her and said that it was time, not giving her a chance to even send back a message. Was there even a body left behind? Did her cute little brother even have something he could say goodbye to, something he could curse at for leaving him alone in that miserable world? She didn’t know.

“Some nights, I wake up because I dream of him. I showed him parts of the memories through the medium that I was given, a TV. I didn’t tell him anything about it, but I wanted him to at least be able to see where I would end up in the end, I wanted him to see that I too would end up happy. But then I just ended up abandoning him like that.”

One day, she would have to leave him. She knew that from the moment she agreed to the contract. But even so, she wanted him to know that she was happy somewhere. He might not know that it was her, but he would know that she was happy. She hoped that it would make it easier, but deep inside she knew that it was just a vain hope.

That was why she sometimes woke up at night, cold sweat covering her body. She dreamt of him, the truth hidden behind the veil of a vain hope. And then she cried and questioned herself.

“Tell me, Alice, because I don’t know the answer. Is it fair that I am happy here while he is forced to suffer alone over there?”

Once again, Abigail’s voice was bleak. She had gained a lot here in this world, she was truly happy here. But the life she had abandoned would never leave her, the truth would forever haunt her, lurking beneath every happy moment.

And she deserved it, that stinging pain in her chest, the constant knowledge. And now, she would deserve the condemnation she would get from Alice, finally there would be someone who could curse at her for what she had done. But the curses never came.

“I’m glad, Abigail. Truly.”

Abigail’s gaze naturally found Alice, who was smiling brightly, warmly even. Alice leaned forward, resting her elbows on the table as she folded her hands and rested her chin on top of them.

“In the future I saw, you and Caine did not wish for me to be happy. I had apparently done too much, too many times, so I did not deserve happiness.”

The words she heard in the dream would never leave her. Caine had called her a monster, unsure if he wanted her to be happy after everything she had done. But they could always just try again, and perhaps there might be a life where even the undeserving her gets a smidgen of happiness. Really, what a cruel curse that was. But oh-well. Thinking about what greeted her after she woke from that vision, she could blow away all her thoughts regarding that dream.

“But I am happy, Abigail, and I will only become happier with Gabriel. And it won’t be just me, I’ll make sure he becomes happy too, happier than we could have been in any of the possible futures you’re trying so hard to choose between on your lonesome.”

Yes. They may not have wished her to be happy, but she had become happy. She didn’t need them to give her happiness, she didn’t need Abigail to sit here in her room, pouring over possible futures as she desperately tried to choose the best one on her own. She’d acquire her own happiness along with the man she chose.

But oh well, the man she had chosen had taught her a little bit too well so she had become someone hard to please. She wasn’t satisfied until she achieved everything she wanted. And looking at Abigail, there was something she wanted.

“But you know what, Abigail? I actually consider you something of a friend. You’ve been good to me over the years, You’ve always tried to help. And I liked your answers. So you know what, Abigail? I would like it if you were happy too.”

From their first meeting at the spirit awakening to now, Abigail had always done everything she could to help Alice. She had done everything in her power to ensure that Alice ended up happy. Was it because of the futures she had seen? Was it because of something else? In the end, did it even matter since Abigail was trying to make her happy?

Alice rose from her seat, looking down at a clearly confused, or perhaps dumbfounded, Abigail. She had gotten the answers she wanted and learned what she came for so she could leave with a light heart. But before that, she may as well sell out Caine by using what she had seen in the dream. If she and Abigail are to become family in the future after she married Gabriel, then Caine and Abigail could stand to learn a thing or two from them.

“Caine knows, Abigail. He knows that you’re not Abigail, he’s known from the start. The one he looked at with love was never Abigail, but you.”

Was it true? Well, Alice honestly didn’t know. Even if that dream was a possible future, what if the current Caine didn’t know what that Caine knew? Well, it didn’t really matter. All Caine and Abigail needed was to sit down and have a proper chat, speaking to each other honestly like Alice and Gabriel always did. Keeping things hidden just made for pointless drama. And thus, Alice taught Abigail what Gabriel had taught her.

“You shouldn’t stew here in misery all alone, thinking about it all alone. Go and talk to Caine, speak to him honestly, tell him what you w ant. The seventh tenet of a good person is to never lie to your allies. And if he won’t listen, pester him until he is forced to listen. Tie him to a chair if you have to, chain him down until he can no longer escape, force him to hear you out. That’s third tenet, it is do everything you can if there is something you wish to acquire. So go and acquire him.”

She turned and walked away as she spoke, Abigail’s amber pupils trembling so fiercely that it almost looked like her eyes would pop out. But when her hand finally reached out, Alice had already left the room and closed the door behind her.