Friendship requirements

Hello everyone!!

"Haaah..."

I am finally free... After much begging, negotiating, and yielding to quite a few conditions, I think I somehow managed to convince (possessed) mom to give me back my freedom, even though she looked ridiculously frustrated while accepting it.

<"My, what a touching display of dignity. You sold yourself out in the most disgraceful way possible, to the point of basically licking Lilith's feet just so she'd let you go.">

..... Okay, I want to make it clear that... It was absolutely necessary!!

"And don't you dare say things people could misunderstand!!"

I mean, I couldn't even use the bathroom without having her handcuffed to my side! So, unfortunately, as much as I tried to resist, nature had to take its course... Please don't ask for details.

"WWHIIIIISTLE!!"

But at least I am finally free!

<"... Haaah... He already pulled out the sunglasses and cowboy hat... It's one of those mornings...">

Although, well, this morning not only did (possessed) mom seem uncomfortable and frustrated, but Susie did too.

"Neeeeeigh!!"

Even though I asked Susie what was wrong, she didn't say a word, so I had no choice but to try to cheer them both up before running out the door.

"Run like the wind, Sara!!"

Though you might be wondering... And Sara?

<"... As always, he ran away.">

Well, she was still "normal"... Or at least as normal as Sara can act due to those cursed orders Kim programmed into her back when she was still her owner.

"Giddy-up, Sara! Full speed ahead!"

But why earth is there an automated order commanding her to lick my droppings if I go to the bathroom?!

"Mmm... Good morning... I'm still amazed I've adapted to the morning routine..."

That girl Kim was completely sick in the head!

"¡¡BURP!! Hey, brat! Watch where you ride that maid first thing in the morning!"

Anyway, leaving my... "normal" mornings aside, it's time to get back to my grand plan for making friends at school. And I think that, to achieve it without dying in the attempt, I need someone who strictly meets the following requirements...

"We're here... Woah, Sara!"

First, they must be popular or unreachable enough not to get swayed or intimidated by the outrageous jealousy of the other guys.

"Thank you so much for your help, here's some fruit, you were a very good girl. Thanks for the ride."

Second, they must not have some strange or absurd romantic rivalry with me.

<"You know it's completely futile to try to escape and ignore me using that cowboy hat, right? Since we are two halves of the same being, I can manifest beside you whenever I wish.">

And third, they must be relatively normal people, with nothing weird going on like being the reincarnation of an ancient god or having secret plans for world domination.

<"I'm impressed by your ability to act as if you can't hear me. I'm talking to you.">

Are you asking if I'm demanding too much?

<"Very well. If you're going to remain silent, I will take your lack of response as implicit permission to interfere in your life and start a cult in your name. I already have a few rather interesting ideas on where to begin.">

Well, dear readers... The answer obviously is...

<"Five... four... three...">

Of course not!!

(Painted mom...?)

(Mustache!)

(Me too, me too!)

The guys keep trying to hit on me even though I'm a guy, and the girls keep treating me as their mortal rival... even though I keep reiterating and shouting at the top of my lungs that I'm a guy!

<"Hello, little ones. You have permission. Go have some fun.">

Even that damn teacher tried to sexually harass me the other day!

"..."

Luckily, that dirty old man didn't count on my trusty frying pan, which allowed me to make a miraculous escape.

(Cat!)

(Choker!)

(Makeup!)

Though, curiously enough, nobody has seen that teacher at school ever since that incident... Wait a second...

"W-What on earth is going on?!"

However, at that moment, interrupting my internal monologue, I suddenly realized I was completely surrounded by a massive crowd of straw dolls...

<"Good morning, partner.">

... And greeting me with a beautiful, mischievous smirk despite being a serpent, I found myself face-to-face with Echidna, who seemed to have given them complete free rein.

"Echidna!!"

... Well... I guess it's just like any other morning...