Chapter 49: Canada’s Pride

Ice clattered to the floor around the party as they huddled behind Bren and Kat. Shimmering barriers sent clouds of glittering shards floating to their sides, and hail sized chunks bouncing to the floor.

After the clouds of powdered ice settled, they stood to look at what was about to ruin their day.

Ann guessed it was about fifteen feet tall with its neck fully extended, and the head filled her with a familiar dread. The face and bill of a Canadian Goose stared down at them, pure hatred in its beady black eyes. Its white facial patterns travelled down its long neck onto the otherwise black, leathered, wide body. The main body seemed to be some kind of turtle. Knobbly black skin loosely draped over a slender frame, almost like someone wearing a shirt five times too big. Large, stumpy claws covered with the icy remains of the walls tipped its forelimbs while its feet ended in the stubby flat feet of a tortoise. Dragging behind it almost like chains, were long strands of lake grasses and plant debris. It cocked its head and let out a confused honk as it regarded the group.

“No! Gods damnt. Of course! Of course those fucking things got into the fucking gene pool, you cock sucking, cruel, vindictive bastards! I don’t care if you were a fucking nice Warped. No! No, this thing fucking dies,” Ann commanded as she opened fire, punctuating each curse with a gunshot.

Thorns shot up, digging into its loose hide while Kat charged the creature. Bren took a few steps back as the charge began, clearly not wanting a repeat of the previous fight.

Kat and Ann got to melee range at the same time. Kat stabbed at the right knee while Ann cut at its thigh. A hiss escaped the beak as the Warped stepped back, slamming a claw into the ground where Kat was a moment prior. The ice cracked as its claws dug in. With a grunting honk, it prised a large chunk of the floor free, flipping it towards Rosalyn.

Bren snuck a barrier in front of the projectile, allowing Rosalyn to move out of the way just before it landed with a thock, sliding across the floor. She was already casting her next attack as she skidded to a stop, hair whipping around her horns. She levelled her staff and the air crackled with electricity as she used Unleash the Storm.

Ann tasted ozone as the bolt hit the Guardian’s chest, causing it to stagger slightly. As it did, it pulled in its neck, the long snaking length disappearing into folds of skin. It turned, feet thumping on the ground before it toppled itself forward at Kat. Fortunately, it was way too slow to crush her. Unfortunately, that wasn’t its goal.

As it impacted, a wheezing honk echoed through the room, and a second later, a much louder hiss as its neck shot forward, slamming into Kat with ridiculous force. Her shield caught the blow, but was flung wide and to the side as she was thrown backwards, skidding on her side before hitting one of the pillars. She was back up on her feet in a second, but held her shield arm limp at her side. Bren needed some time to fix that one.

Refocusing, Ann looked at the stupid head as its snake-like neck turned her way. “I fucking hate you,” she growled, baring her teeth. The Warped blinked and cocked its head, seemingly confused by the venom in her words. Then opened its toothy beak and honked at her again. It’d be funny if she wasn’t so angry at the thing.

Ann ran in, claws scrabbling at the ice. Reaching the head, she swung, but the creature wasn’t about to let her have an easy win. It retracted its neck, just leaving the head to poke out of the wrinkled flesh. Ann instantly ducked to the left, feeling the wind in her hair as the neck shot out again.

The massive claws were waiting for her, catching her in the side and actually piercing the armoured corset. With a grunt, she backed up, making things slightly worse as she dragged the claws through her side, but she got free. Bren’s healing quickly washed over her, giving her relief from the pain while he worked on mending the flesh.

Ann didn’t have time to wait as the, the, whatever the fuck they would call this abomination, pushed with its hind legs and slid at her, claws extended to the sides. It looked ridiculous. This was so fucking stupid and it could kill them. Gathering her legs beneath her, digging her claws in for extra grip, she leapt as hard as she could.

The creature sailed beneath her, leathery black skin shuffling across the ice, and she landed hard on its back. She was doing this a lot lately. First the Snail, now this. Rogue stuff, she guessed as she cleared her head. She looked around, trying to find anything that she could do to hurt it, but she was on the shell. This was the most defensive part of the damn thing. At least it couldn’t hit her, maybe.

That’s when, of course, the grass moved and began to wrap around her legs. “Oh, you have to be fucking shitting me,” Ann cursed as she cut the strands reaching for her calves and snaking up her thighs.

The Warped hadn’t stopped sliding either, and was actually gaining speed. It hit the wall, sliding up the curved surface.

“Oh fuck,” Ann gasped as she realized what was about to happen. Frantically, she hacked at the grass, wrenching her left leg free, then her right just as the world went horizontal. She kicked hard, throwing herself out into empty space as the shell tipped further and further, eventually landing the Warped on its back. If she hadn’t gotten free, she’d be a wolf-girl pancake right now.

As the Warped hissed angrily that it hadn’t managed to squash her, Ann took a second to gather her surroundings. Kat was back in action, moving toward the toppled monstrosity. Rosalyn had popped the cork of a potion, probably refilling her mind, and Bren was standing by, ready for whatever happened next.

She met up with Kat as they approached the thrashing creature slowly. “I hate how ridiculous this thing is,” she grumbled.

“It feckin’ honks at us before tryin’ tae kill us. I dinnae if I should laugh or get pissed,” Kat chuckled.

“Both. Both? Both,” Ann decided, not caring if Kat got the reference. It made her feel a bit better when it got another laugh out of the Protector. “So the grass on its back is alive. Don’t know how alive, but it tried to bind me up there.”

“Good tae know. Still wonderin’ about all tha’ loose skin. Shite like tha’ ain’t somethin’ that’s just fer show,” Kat mused as she stepped forward, quickly jumping aback as a claw flew at her.

“Probably disgusting, whatever it is. I was hoping it was just to make cutting it less effective,” Ann grunted as she feinted an attack on the thing’s head, being driven back by a flurry of pecks.

“An’ it is,” Kat agreed. “Still, got a feelin there’s more tae it. Oh well, hit it till it’s dead?”

Ann nodded, aiming her revolver and sending a purple streak of light where the head was a moment before the creature dodged. Just over half her Mind was spent now, and it felt like she was just annoying the creature. She sheathed her falchion, plunging her hand in her pocket and began reloading.

As she watched, the thing used its claws to move to a pillar and, with the help of the surprisingly strong grasses, pulled itself up to the point it could stand again. Head held high, it took a deep breath. Ann watched as the skin inflated slightly, like it didn’t have lungs, but just a giant pocket inside its skin, before hissing again. This time, it wasn’t just sound, but a beam of ice that shot at Ann.

She flung herself to the side, but felt a chill hit her leg. Her escape was cut short as she slammed her chin into the ground. Looking back, she found her foot had frozen to the floor. Cursing, she hammered at the ice with the pommel of her falchion.

“Yer mother e’er tell ye it’s rude tae trip a lady?” Kat shouted at the thing. “Manners’re important, ye feckin’ freak. Let me teach ye.”

The Taunt worked as the goose head swiveled to face the protector, again looking confused, but not focused on the immobilized Warrior.

After a couple more seconds, Ann felt the chill recede, and the ice crumbled from her foot. It was a timed effect. Good to know.

She watched as Rosalyn peppered its legs with Thorns from the ground. The limitation of the spell needing to come from a surface was preventing her from hitting anything important, but it was absolutely slowing the creature down. Ann watched as Rosalyn pre-emptively grew a spike under the thing’s foot, earning a hiss of pain as it rested its weight on the sharp protrusion.

The Druid was beginning to sweat, obsidian skin shining with the effort of her motions, concentration, and the strain of channeling her Mind. She never lost focus, though, and as Ann watched, she tracked the Warped’s hand as it tried to crush Kat. Just after Kat leapt back, a Thorn replaced her, piercing flesh and spilling black blood over the floor.

“Nice one!” Ann called, giving Rosalyn a thumbs up as best she could with her weapons in hand, before rejoining the fight.

Kat became a blur of action as she parried titanic strikes while dodging others. While she did, Ann used Fade Away to move around the creature’s turtle legs unnoticed. She watched it move, searching the baggy skin for any weak spot she could exploit. The skin was too bunched up for her to get any real idea of the anatomy underneath it. It seemed to be plantigrade, at least, and that means there were tendons in the back of the ankle she could get at if she could cut deep enough.

She took a breath, holstering her revolver and falchion, and dropped low. The sword was amazing, but she needed to get past the skin, and single cuts weren’t doing it. Baring her teeth in a snarl, she extended her claws and rushed in, sinking fang and claw into the things black and white skin. It barely reacted, thankfully, and Ann took the moment to dig her claws in deep, deeper, deeper, until she felt them push past the other side of the skin. It was such a weird feeling, like a living bag, but she got through. Straining, she began to pull, feeling the wound begin to rip vertically. To speed things up she bit into the top of the wound, tearing away at the strained flesh and getting a mouthful of brackish Warped blood for her efforts.

Finally, the Guardian noticed her, a hiss-honk alerting her just before it lifted the foot she was tearing apart and tried to crush her. Ann detached, retracting her claws and danced nimbly backwards, her job done.

“Kat!” she called, “Let’s try to cripple this freak! Go for the ankle when I tell you!”

“Aye!” confirmed Kat as she circled around to where Ann had been working. “Gods girl, ye did a number ‘ere.”

“That’s the point, get ready!” Ann called. She didn’t want to do this. It was such a powerful skill, but to this thing? Really?

She turned, bending herself forward and perking her kilt covered rear. Taking a hand, she pulled up the garment, exposing olive skin broken by white underwear. Taking her other hand, she smacked it, feeling it jiggle at the impact. “You want a real taste of Canada?” she asked in what she desperately hoped was a sexy enough voice for the skill to work.

The goose head tilted, lowering at her display and completely surrendered its guard. “HONK” it bellowed.

“Oh thank fuck,” Ann muttered to herself. “Now Kat!”

Kat sunk her sword deep into the wound she’d created to the point Ann heard the thunk of steel meeting bone.

The trance was broken immediately, and the Warped hissed its pain and fury to the ceiling, painting new icicles with a frosty breath.

Ann abandoned her pose, skittering on all fours and claws over to Kat. Pushing Kat aside, she gripped the sword and channeled a Smite through the weapon. Then another for good measure. Letting Kat retrieve her weapon, she watched as the Warped tried to turn to face them. It was slower, yeah, but not as much as she wanted. Its left foot was now shuffling on the ground, and it was trying not to put weight on it, but it could still move.

“Damnit, I was hoping that’d work better,” Ann grumbled as she took stock of the situation.

“Aye. Tough fucker. Tha’s a Guardian fer ye though,” Kat agreed, watching it lumber at them.

“How big was that cut?” a voice to their side chimed in. They’d gotten close enough to Rosalyn that the Druid could be heard over thundering footsteps.

“Big enough tae get me shoulders in, say a couple o’ feet,” Kat explained.

“Wonderful. This is going to be so gross. Could you two get it to turn around? I’ve got an idea. I could explain but I’d ramble and I’ll lose time and the opening and we don’t have m…” she cut herself off. “Just, please?”

Ann and Kat smiled down at their friend. “Ye got it. Keep ‘er safe, Bren.”

“Then who would look after you two?” the man scoffed back, shooing them away. “Go on. I will adapt.”

Ann nodded, turning back to the creature. “Endurance just reduces physical damage, right?”

“That’s right,” Kat said.

“Damnit, so no Sensuality for this attack,” she sighed, before ducking a claw aimed at her head. If that thing hit, her head would be on the other side of the room in an instant.

The two fighters moved as one, harrying the Guardian’s arms and legs while slowly turning it to the side. Whatever it was, Annita hoped Rosalyn’s plan was effective. Eventually they had it facing them, a wall to their backs and nowhere to run but sideways.

The creature seemed to notice this and started a rhythmic honking that sounded way too much like laughter for Ann’s comfort. It took another deep breath, skin tightening, and lowered its beaked face to blast them with winter’s fury.

Before it did, it froze and looked down. Its leg had sprung several spikes that were definitely not there a moment ago, and they kept travelling up. Eight, ten, twelve. All from inside.

Looking down, Ann saw Rosalyn with her right shoulder buried in the Warped’s leg, black blood coating her equally black skin as she grinned wildly. Ann could just see the glow of magic from the wound as she realized what the Druid had done. The Thorns had to come from a surface, but it didn’t say what that surface was.

A weird bellow came from the Guardian. It was almost a wheezing squeak, rather than a honk or a hiss. It swiped down at its leg and caught Rosalyn square in the chest. The diminutive Druid went flying, slamming into a pillar and falling limp. Bren was there before either of the fighters could move, and working on healing her.

“Fuck, fuck fuck,” Ann muttered. “Think it worked?”

They watched as the Guardian took a step, testing its weight, before crumpling on its leg.

“Bren, she ok?” Kat called as she moved to the side to avoid the bulk of the creature.

“Unconscious. Low health for sure. I don’t have enough in me to completely fix this,” he yelled back. “You two need to end this now!”

“Feck, well, guess now that it’ll be harder tae miss, could be time,” Kat grumbled. “Ye think it’s hurt enough?”

“Not yet,” Ann shouted back as she felt a claw graze her side, the reward for getting a bit too greedy and trying to hit the Guardian from the front. “Fuck that hurts.”

“Aye, well, I’ll keep doin’ what I can. See what ye can get workin’. Maybe the shell?” Kat suggested as she blocked another blow.

Nodding, Ann circled to the creature’s back again. The grass was still there, waiting. Waiting for her to climb up and to wrap around her. It was how it needed to be done, though. Something had to be up there, or she’d figure out a way to make a weak point. She still had six bullets and enough mind for two smites left.

Muttering curses to herself, she jumped up on the verdant shell and grabbed the grass with one hand. It, in turn, grabbed on to her, securing her position, but also binding her to the shell. With her free hand she took an experimental swing, but could only achieve shallow gash in the surface. Looking around, she saw an intersection between hexagonal plates.

Making sure her feet were securely gripped by the Grass, Ann cut her left hand free. Pulling back, she swung her torso to her right, before slapping her hand back down into another patch of greenery. As the grass caught, she wiggled her feet, and eventually wrenched them free, before securing them again in the new position.

She dug the tip of her falchion in, feeling the grating of bone against metal as she shoved hard. It wasn’t elegant. It wasn’t particularly good, but it was all she had. She pulled back and slammed the point home again, chipping away bone desperately while she prayed Kat was doing all right. After several strikes, she’d managed to gouge out a dent in the carapace. It wasn’t too deep, but she hoped it was enough. The tip of her falchion was blunted, and she had a feeling that much more abuse would break the thing.

Ann sheathed her battered weapon and drew her revolver. Aiming it carefully, she timed her shot after a swing of the creature’s arms and body. Purple light and smoke exploded from the barrel as the first bullet struck the shell. As the smoke cleared, she saw that it had pierced a bit. Not enough. Charred blackened shell, maybe two inches deep.

“Almost done!” she screamed back at Kat.

“Hurry the feck up!” came her reply.

She timed her second shot well, bullet and magic searing through the shell and, with a surprised jerk from the creature, into the body. She’d made her weak point.

Quickly, she cut herself free, falling without grace to the icy floor. “Back!” she wheezed, scrambling to her feet. “Get to the back. Wait for it to slow. All on you Kat. Finish this fuck.”

Kat didn’t respond, but followed directions. The warped turned to track her as she skirted to its left, but it was slow, unable to pivot on the ruined leg. Her path led her past Ann, and she gave her girlfriend a weary smile. “Time it right. Let’s do this,” the gruff Alfhindur murmured.

“Hey fuckface!” Ann yelled. The goose head turned to her. Why was it always confused when it looked at her? That odd tilt to its head. Thoughts for later. “You shits were a problem back in my day too, you know that? A lot smaller though, easier to chase off, but fuck, did you fight back. Scared the shit out of me as a kid,” she said, keeping its attention on her. As Kat reached the back of the Guardian, she changed her speech. “But I’m a lot older now,” she purred, fingers deftly unclasping leather. “A lot… bigger,” she said as she popped the top of the leather armour off, exposing her cleavage, and hugging the pillowy mounds together. “I’m not afraid anymore.”

A white flash from behind the shell blinded her for a moment. The creature’s neck whipped back to look behind it before it toppled forward.

Shuffling backwards on tired feet, Ann avoided the heavy impact, watching as the goose head slapped limply on the floor.

With one final breath, the thing let out a soft, wheezing honk before it lay still. Dead.