Chapter 154: The Coils of Doubt

Katlyn Farragher

It had been since, what, the rescue operation since she’d cried this much? No, this felt worse. Some darkness inside her was leaking, and once her tears had started, it just kept coming. The more she tried, the worse it got. Every time she sniffled herself to stillness, a new wave of sobs demolished her.

Ann and Rosalyn were both there. Neither woman had moved, their arms wrapped around Kat like a protective shield. They didn’t say a word, which made everything worse. Worse because it was the right thing to do. Kat didn’t know how they knew, but they just sat there and let her cry. Ann made quiet soothing noises, while Rosalyn just nuzzled in against her chest. It was warm, especially with Ann’s extra fur and hair.

She wasn’t sure how long it had been, but Kat’s sobbing gradually weakened, then faltered, then dissolved into sniffles. She felt exhausted. More exhausted than after any fight she’d been in. Her stomach hurt, her eyes were even more irritated than they’d been lately, and she couldn’t breathe through her nose.

“Sorry,” Kat croaked, wiping her nose.

“No,” Ann denied. She spoke gently, as if she were a child. It both soothed and frustrated Kat. She was sorry that she’d ruined the night. That she’d had this weakness come up like this, when they’d all been wanting a good time. She really should have just left.

“No, you shouldn’t be sorry,” Rosalyn agreed from her lap. Those hazel eyes were staring up at her with tears in their corners. Kat’s heart hurt as she saw that adorable face so twisted with concern for her. “You clearly didn’t have a good time. You’re more important.”

“Yeah,” Ann nodded, gently stroking Kat’s ears. Anyone else, Kat would have hit them. Ann just made her melt. “What happened?”

“I…,” Kat choked on her words. It was hard to speak without falling back into tears. “I just…”

“Take your time,” Rosalyn said softly. “No rush.”

Kat sat there, feeling her body shake in a way that had nothing to do with the cold. It felt like adrenaline, but crying doing that to her was something she wasn’t used to. She wanted to move, but didn’t trust her legs to carry her anymore.

It was a long moment before she tried again. “I shouldn’t ‘ave… ‘ave interrupted.”

“Wasn’t that the point?” Rosalyn asked innocently. “I mean, you were supposed to interrupt us, then have a fun little spar with Ann, then we’d all have sex in the woods, under the stars, all romantically.”

“It… feck, it felt wrong by the time I got here,” Kat huffed. “I dinnae when me mind got all twisted on it, but the woods got tae me, then I got lost tryin’ tae find Ann’s trail, then I was wanderin’ in the dark alone.”

“How was that different from other times you’ve done that?” Ann asked in that infuriatingly soothing voice. Almost a purr.

“Cause me thoughts are gettin’ away from me. Orenous, if ye’re listenin, ye chose the wrong damn partner fer yer champion. I’m not good enough fer her.”

“Kat!” Ann gasped.

“I feckin’ mean it!” Kat said, sitting up, finding enough strength in her body to turn and face her girlfriends. However long that lasted. “Ye’re a blessed saint, an’ I’m just me. I punch me problems, and keep meself so busy I don’t have time tae think. ‘Cause every time I do, I start thinkin’ I’ve made a mistake. I’ve fecked up in fallin’ fer ye, an’ gettin’ involved wit’ all o’ this. Feckin’ start thinkin’ that I’m not enough fer ye, that ye need tae find others tae satisfy yerself. Gods, Ann. Our relationship ain’t exactly normal tae begin with, now we’re feckin’ around with Wendyl?”

“You chose that,” Ann reminded her.

“I know I did, and that makes me thoughts even worse!” Kat shouted. “It’s all so contradictory an’ messed up, makes no blasted sense, an’ it won’t get outta me head! I hate it!”

When had she stood up? Kat looked down at Rosalyn, still sitting on the snow, her lower lip trembling.

“Do… do you not want me?” Rosalyn asked, her voice faltering. “I… I can go.”

“An’ this is what I was afraid o’,” Kat said. “Cause no, I don’t, but me brain won’t feckin’ stop questionin’ if I do. What the actual Hells am I doin’? Go wit’ the flow an’ me mind starts makin’ everythin’ worse fer me! Start tryin’ tae take hold o’ me life, an’ I go overboard. Then I’ve got this feckin’ monster in me head makin’ it even worse! I HATE IT!”

Rosalyn flinched, and Kat felt her heart sink. That’s not something she’d ever wanted to see from the Druid. Never in her life. Panic set in, that old familiar restlessness, and she ran. She ran from her problems, like she always did. Maybe Ann and Rosalyn would understand and just go on their quest without her? Would that make things better? No, that’d just make Kat miserable. Did she have a choice, though?

“Katlyn,” a voice called out. She ignored it. Keep moving. Move until you can think again. Damnit, keep running.

“Katlyn, halt,” the voice said, more commanding. It was a woman, and vaguely familiar. “You can’t outrun a Goddess.”

“I can try!” Kat yelled, whirling on Orenous. The Goddess was decidedly plain today, in a white shirt and brown trousers. She was, as usual, barefoot and entirely human this time with long blonde hair and purple glowing eyes. “Nice o’ ye tae show up fer me, by the way. Not like Ann’s been askin’ fer ye tae pay attention fer weeks.”

Orenous gave her a thoroughly unimpressed look. She wasn’t taking any of Kat’s deflection. “You, child, need to sit down.”

“Can’t,” Kat grumbled, bouncing on the balls of her feet even as she stood there. “I feckin’ can’t. It’s always like this. Can’t feckin’ sit still.”

“It’s time to practice,” Orenous insisted. “Sit.”

Kat stood there, trying to figure out a way to tell the Goddess no. When she couldn’t, she let out a heavy sigh and sat with her legs crossed. Even then, her knees were bouncing. “Woulda’ thought Illdall’d be the one here.”

“Not his forte,” Orenous said shortly, standing over Kat. “He’s got claim to your protection, but you’re in love with my chosen. That makes this my problem. You really know how to say some hurtful things, Katlyn.”

“I meant ‘em.”

“Did you?” Orenous challenged her. “Did you really mean them? I don’t think you did. I think you, in a fit of fear and paranoia, lashed out at those closest to you and then shut them out to protect yourself from your own insecurities.”

“If ye know all that, then the feck are we doin’ here?” Kat growled. “I made a godsdamned mistake, an’ now I’ve gotta live wit’ the consequences. Me mouth got ahead o’ me an’ I hurt Rosalyn. I couldn’t even look at Ann, but I know she’d have the same look. What the actual feck d’ya want me tae do about it? Cause I’m not gonna let meself live this shite down.”

Orenous paused for a second, sitting down in front of Kat. Those purple eyes, so similar to how Ann’s looked at times, bored into her soul in a way that made Kat squirm. It was like when Bren called her on something stupid, or Da knew she was lying.

“Ye just gonna stare?” Kat pouted, averting her eyes.

“Depends. You ready to talk?” Orenous shot back.

“I… not yet,” Kat admitted.

“Alright, then we sit here and wait for you to calm down and actually get to what the problem is.”

“Why do ye care so much? Ann’s yours, not me.”

“Katlyn, child, you really sell yourself short,” Orenous said. “Still, you are not getting a rise out of me that easily. Sit. Breathe. Calm yourself.”

Kat made to do the opposite, but found her voice not working. She made a few futile attempts to shout at the Goddess, then crossed her arms and slouched. Orenous just cocked an eyebrow and gave her an infuriatingly knowing smile.

They sat there for what felt like hours. Kat doubted it’d been that long, since she knew Ann and Rosalyn would be looking for her, but her restless state made everything seem slow. After a bit, she started to breathe, focusing on deep inhales and exhales. Calming exercises they’d taught Rosalyn to help with her anxiety. It… helped. It calmed her down, focused her. Did Ann pick this up from the Goddess? If so, she had another thing to grumble about.

“Ready?” Orenous asked.

“Aye,” Kat admitted, feeling her body relax at the admission. “Let’s do this.”

“Wonderful,” Orenous said with a dazzling smile. She snapped her fingers, and suddenly Ann and Rosalyn were there, sitting on beds of leaves.

“How? When?” Kat gasped, looking at the two women in horror.

“For a little while, now. Worry not, our talk has been private. I just guided them here, and asked them to wait. They have neither seen nor heard either of us.”

“Dinnae if that’s better or worse,” Kat laughed ruefully. “Can they now?”

“No. Not yet,” Orenous admitted. “I wanted you to see them, though. For now, we talk. We’ll start with that last lovely remark of yours. Why in the worlds would you think that I wouldn’t care?”

“Cause I’m Illdall’s, right? Ye laid claim tae Ann, but not me. Makes sense ye’d side with her.”

Orenous gave her a flat look.

“What?”

“Did you sleep through all of your religious lectures?”

“Only most o’ them,” Kat grumbled.

“Yes, she is my chosen. My warrior. You know what else she needs? Love. Love and people to bestow that love upon. That means you, Katlyn. What does that make you?”

“Convenient?”

Orenous actually rolled her purple eyes. “Uh huh, and you believe that?”

“What if I do?”

“Thought you were ready to talk,” Orenous sighed. “We can sit here a while longer, if you’d like.”

“Fine, feck. Makes me her accessory. Makes me a hanger on, an’ someone that’s part o’ the plan, but not the focus.”

“You’re doing the thing again,” Orenous said, pointing at Kat’s nose with a flawlessly manicured nail. The polish, a mesmerising and shifting swirl of glitter, momentarily distracted Kat. “Stop doing that.”

“Tell me what ye want tae hear then!” Kat said, throwing her arms up. “I just wanted tae make ‘er happy, an’ I’ve been doin’ everythin’ I can tae see that be reality. Now it’s all complicated, an’ me brain just doesn’t want tae be happy with it anymore. That’s fightin’ with me heart, an’ that’s a problem cause me heart still absolutely wants tae hold on.”

“Child, you struggle with something humanity has battled for its entire history,” Orenous sighed. “I am going to let them hear us talking, because they should know what I am about to say. That is it. They still cannot see us.”

Kat looked and saw Ann’s ears twitch, picking up new sounds.

“You, Katlyn, were not an accident.”

“What?” Kat asked stupidly.

“I… had plans for you. I’ve had plans for you. Being a Goddess has certain advantages when it comes to foresight and the longevity to learn from innumerable mistakes. I had planned on Ann. She knows this. For five thousand years, I’ve kept her under my protection. I was aware of what she would need to come back into this world and thrive.”

Ann had words, apparently, as her fur rose and teeth bared. Kat couldn’t hear any of it, though.

“So I was meant tae be there?” Kat asked. “That day out in the borderlands. When Arty died. That was all planned?”

“More or less,” Orenous said. “Artyom perishing was not something I had foreseen. The Warped are always a blind spot for us. Had he survived, I would have no doubt he’d be part of your party even now. Perhaps Lucia would have a colleague in her craft.”

“So that wasn’t a plan tae get us shunted intae the manor? Tae find Ann?”

“I worked with what I had,” Orenous admitted. “Ann’s time of awakening was predetermined. She knows this as well. Once it began, it couldn’t stop. I had to steer her still sleeping body out of my Seed, and to a place it would be safe for you to find. That, given the fight I had noticed you in, happened to be the manor. It was a very tense moment for me, watching you nearly die to that creature.”

“This isn’t helpin’ me,” Kat grumbled. “So me life has been set up tae be someone fer Ann tae love? That’s feckin’ all o’ it? How much of it was my choice? How much was puppeted by the Gods?”

“You’re going to hate this answer, but I’ve had more of a hand in certain events than you’d like, and far less than you’re thinking right now. I am the Goddess of Love, among a couple other things. I make it a personal rule not to interfere in romances, and no, that includes your previous girlfriends. Actually, since it probably needs clarification, it includes your current relationships. Hands off. Completely Star Trek.”

“Star Trek?” Kat asked, ears twitching in confusion.

“That was for Ann’s benefit. She’ll explain it later. The point is I do not meddle. If you had grown to truly love any of those women, and they you? My plans would have changed. It may sound callous, but I am very happy that they did not, for you have been a wonderful partner for Annita.”

“Ye’re right. Don’t like people feckin’ wit’ me life. How much? What’d ye get involved with?”

“We don’t really have time for that. I am a Goddess. My influence was mostly moving people into the places where I believed would be best for both them and the world as a whole. This was not just my doing, though. As you can imagine, Illdall was involved. So was Bryltia to some extent, Qu’Sella have plans even I can’t discern. Eas… no one really knows how they perceive reality.”

“So, ye’ve been feckin’ wit’ everyone, an’ kinda always ‘ave been, but also leavin’ things up tae them tae decide?”

“Yes,” Orenous nodded. “A tricky balance of free will and external influence by a higher power. You remember the stories of the Great Wars of the Return? Wars of such magical power that the world still bears the scars?”

“Aye. Think we ran intae a crater a few weeks back wit’ Rosalyn,” Kat nodded, thinking back on the Bristlebarks from their nature walk.

“That was us being too hands off,” Orenous clarified. “We gave gifts and provided no checks. You, your mother, and generations before have only known the balance we struck to keep the world from tearing itself apart. It’s not perfect, but it’s better. If we find a better way, something that’ll help everyone, then we will adjust.”

“Fine, fine, then I was yer plan tae help Ann get used tae the world?”

“And I had no part in making you fall in love with her,” Orenous said. “Nor did I make her fall in love with you. You did all of that all by yourself. Good job.”

“Then what was the plan wit’ the skill?” Kat asked. That part had been bothering her for a long time. Ever since she and Ann had really talked about that, it had been sitting in her head like a cyst. Sure, she’d said she’d accepted it as part of Ann, but part of that was a lie. A lie to herself more than anyone.

“That… was left to be an open question. Ann had full volition to embrace or ignore the question posed there. Had she chosen to ignore it and stay monogamous with you, I would have adjusted things to fall into line with how she needs to grow. She pushed for Rosalyn, you agreed, so I left it as is to see how you three would choose to proceed. I may need to make some alterations if it is causing so much strife.”

“Might,” Kat mumbled. “It’s a feckin’ lot tae take in, bein’ honest. Was Bren all part o’ this?”

“I knew he wouldn’t go for Ann,” Orenous said, a smile tugging at her lips. “She wouldn’t go for him either. His inclusion in things was to help Ann learn more about the new world she’d be waking up in. Let’s be honest, you’re not the best at history and politics.”

“Ye’ve got me there,” Kat chuckled despite herself. “He’s a damn good guide.”

“Meanwhile, you, child, have taught Ann how to survive. Even if it was rough for a while, she has become a fine fighter because you got her to this point. Take pride in that.”

“I guess ye’re right,” Kat admitted.

“So why, after all this, do you have any right to be doubting yourself so much?”

“I dinnae,” Kat said, feeling a weight on her shoulders. “I just… do. Seein’ her goin’ after other girls. It’s a difficult thing fer me heart tae accept. Rosalyn? Gods, ye probably know about the talk Ann an’ I had before we tried that. I don’t regret that, even now. Wendyl, though?”

“I think I understand. Would it be alright if I brought the other two in? I think this is part of the discussion all parties involved need to have a voice for.”

Kat felt her chest tighten, but she nodded. It was time to face the music.