Chapter 20: Aftermath

I sat beside her hospital bed, the rhythmic beeping of the machines filling the quiet. The air smelled sterile, clean and cold.

“…And you should’ve seen Nora when she got her acceptance letter,” I said, leaning forward, my hands clasped between my knees.

“Top of the entrance exams. Like, literally the highest score in the region.” I huffed a soft laugh. “Of course, she acted like it was no big deal. But I swear, she was so happy when she received it.”

I shifted in the chair, ignoring the ache in my back. It still hurt when I moved too fast, but compared to everything else, it felt… manageable.

“She’s already talking about dragging me with her,” I added, my voice lighter. “Says there’s no point in me waiting around. And, well… I guess she’s got a point. Not like there’s much left to hang around for.”

The words slipped out before I could stop them, and for a second, my throat tightened. I forced myself to keep going.

“I mean, don’t get me wrong, I’m fine. And Dorian’s…” I trailed off, searching for the right thing to say. “…He’s been busy. You know how he gets. Always running around, handling stuff. I guess hospitals aren’t really his thing.”

It sounded better than the truth, that I hadn’t seen him since the night of the crash. Nora never mentioned him either. Maybe that was for the best.

I rubbed the back of my neck, letting out a soft breath. “But, uh… you don’t need to worry about me. I’m holding it together.” I swallowed. “Someone has to.”

The steady beeping of the heart monitor filled the room. Slow. Rhythmic. Unchanging.

I smiled faintly, fingers brushing against her hand. "You’d probably be fussing over us right now… telling us to eat properly, sleep more. You always worried too much."

I glanced at her, half-expecting. Hoping. To see her eyes flicker open. That familiar exasperated sigh. A weak smile. Something.

But she just lay there, still as ever, her chest rising and falling with the steady pull of the ventilator.

My fingers curled into my palms. “You could at least yell at me,” I muttered, my voice cracking slightly. “Tell me to stop being a screw-up. That I’m handling things wrong. Anything.”

But nothing came. It never did.

The room was too quiet.

Except for the beep. That damn beep.

I held her hand tighter.

"I'm sorry… I'm so sorry," I choked, my vision blurring.

My head hung low, and the tears wouldn’t stop. I wanted to be strong. Should’ve been strong, but… I just couldn’t. Everything inside me was unraveling.

"You’re lying here because of me," I said, my breath shuddering. "If I hadn’t- if I had just shut my mouth, if I hadn’t pushed him-" My words cut off, throat burning as guilt clawed its way up.

“If I wasn’t in that car… this wouldn’t have happened. You wouldn’t be…” My jaw clenched as I tried to hold it in.

“I should be the one lying here,” I said, the words tasting like rust in my mouth.

My vision blurred, tears streaking hot and fast as I clung tighter to her hand. "You never stopped trying… you never gave up on us, even when everything else fell apart."

My voice broke, rough and unsteady. "And I- I didn’t do anything to stop it. I let it happen."

I shook my head, trying to breathe. “You- You were always there, even when I wasn’t. And I…”

A sob ripped through me, just sheerly ugly. And I bent over, holding her hand against my forehead. My shoulders shook as the tears fell harder.

“Please…” My voice was barely louder than a whisper. “Please, just come back. I- I’ll do better. I’ll be better. Just-”

A tear slipped from my cheek, landing softly on her still face.

"I’ll be better. I’ll be the son you deserve- just… just come back."

I sucked in a breath that hurt all the way down. “Don’t leave us.” My grip on her hand trembled, desperate and helpless.

“Don’t leave me.”

The steady beeping of the heart monitor filled the room, again. Slow. Rhythmic. Unchanging.

I couldn’t hold it in anymore. I leaned over, wrapping my arms around her still body, my face buried against her shoulder. My whole body shook, and I held her like I could pull her back just by being close enough.

“I love you,” I choked out, the words thick and broken. “I love you, please… Mom… please… just come back.”

The tears wouldn’t stop. Hot and heavy, they fell against her hospital gown, soaking into the fabric. My breath came in ragged gasps as I clung to her like I was afraid she’d slip away if I let go.

“I’m sorry,” I whispered, my voice shaking apart. “I’m so sorry. I’d do anything- anything… if it meant you were okay... I’d switch places with you. I’d- I would- just… just come back to us. Please.”

A sob tore through me, raw and helpless. "Everyone needs you… I need you." My grip tightened as if I could anchor her here with me.

I clung to her, my body trembling, repeating those words like a prayer that no one was answering.

The heart monitor beeped on… slow, rhythmic, unchanging.

~~~

I sat outside her room, knees pulled up, back against the cold wall.

The quiet hum of the hospital buzzed faintly around me, nurses moving down the hall, the distant beep of machines, but it all felt... far away.

The doctor’s words wouldn’t stop repeating in my head.

"She’s in a vegetative state… we can’t predict if, or when, she’ll regain movement."

It felt like something you’d hear on TV, not something that could happen to her. Not Mom. Not the person who held everything together when the rest of us fell apart.

I squeezed my eyes shut, but it didn’t help. The weight in my chest only grew heavier.

Most of my days felt like they were spent in this hospital. Trapped between the sterile white walls, the hum of fluorescent lights.

It was like time didn’t exist here. Like everything outside these walls had stopped moving.

I’d sit by her bed for hours, blindly talking to myself. Telling her everything, about Nora, about me, about Dorian... Words I wasn’t even sure she could hear. But I kept talking anyway. Because if I didn’t, it felt like she’d slip further away.

As if… I was trying to make amends, to fulfill all unsaid conversations. To be the son I should’ve been.

And no matter how much I tried, no matter how much I talked, she never answered.

It didn’t feel real. None of this felt real.

Like any second, I’d wake up, and she’d be there. Smiling. Telling me I was being ridiculous for worrying so much. But I never woke up.

I leaned back against the wall, my body feeling heavy. Even holding myself up was too much effort.

My arms hung limp at my sides, legs stretched out in front of me, but I barely felt them.

I should’ve gone home by now. But the thought of leaving, of stepping outside those doors, made my stomach twist. And even if I did leave, what was the point?

I was so tired. Not the kind of tired sleep could fix. Just tiredness that clung to me.

I didn’t have the energy to care about anything else. Eating felt pointless. Sleeping wasn’t any better. I just couldn’t even bring myself to think about it.

The world kept moving, but I didn’t. I couldn’t.

Some days, I barely had the strength to speak when I sat by her bed. Sometimes laying against her. Just being there.

Sometimes it felt like… if I stopped, maybe she’d slip even further away. Maybe I would, too.

I rubbed my face with shaking hands, trying to push down the pressure building in my chest. But it wouldn’t leave.

I wanted to disappear. Just… stop feeling for a while.

Maybe then, the ache in my ribs wouldn’t be so sharp. Maybe then, I wouldn’t feel like I was drowning in the air around me.