Chapter 141: The Last Road South

“Behind us,” Taava hissed, her ears twitching. “Someone’s runnin’ our way.”

“Human?” Seyari asked immediately.

“They’ve got two legs. S’all I know.”

“We—” Kartania started.

“We’ll stop and wait for them.” I cut her off. “If they’re not aiming to hurt us, they should just keep moving toward us.”

“Sister…” Kartania warned.

I gave her a cold smile. “While I’m not in charge of you, I am in charge of the rest of our group.”

Rather than anger, Kartania simply smiled mirthlessly. “Good of you to take charge. But… when we get to Astrye, will you be able to kill?”

I raised an eyebrow. “I’ve killed before.”

“Seyari told me what happened in Gedon. And I know what you did at Mordwell’s estate last autumn.”

“I made a judgment call,” I answered stiffly, glaring at Seyari.

Sparing a glance back down the trail, Seyari sighed and answered. “I know I said I was over it, but I’m not. Trusting Vivian at all and taking the contract with Joisse were impossibly stupid risks. The first one is partially my fault, but the point still stands” I tried to speak, but she held up her hand for silence. “Ever since Lockmoth, I’ve been actively taking a follower role, wanting to help you develop into a leader.”

I gulped when I realized she wanted me to talk.

Taava shrugged. “They’re still a ways off. Probably just comin’ up the last hill we came down—sound was echoin’ up the valley.”

I took a deep breath.

“This.” Seyari said coldly. “This is still hesitation.”

My anger flared. “I know that!”

“Do you?”

“Why are you so confrontational?” I hissed.

“I’m thinking I may need to take a more active role in leadership,” Seyari said simply and her words hit me hard.

“…Why? Why now?”

“I wasn’t going to do this to you while you were grieving, and I had my own problems to sort out while we were in Linthel. What I need you to know, Zarenna, is that the cult in Astrye will betray your trust. They will act for all the world like they’re on your side only to plant a knife in your back. I know you killed Vivian, but you let her strike you first. You can’t keep doing that.”

“I know that!”

“Do you really? Have you ever been the one to plant that knife?”

“Does it matter?”

“It doesn’t, Sister,” Kartania interjected. “I don’t know how you’re still as kind and naïve as you are. Perhaps it’s what’s kept you, you. I know you care. Your contract with Nelys is proof that you’re willing to go to questionable lengths to listen to your friends. What I think Seyari is trying to say is that—”

“The people you will have to kill in Astrye won’t be easy choices,” Seyari interrupted with a flare of frustration, taking control of the conversation back. “It might not be life or death. You will have the power to choose mercy, and you must not take it.”

“I bit my lip. But what if…”

“What if this is the time they succeed in killing you because you trusted them and let them get close enough to strike?”

My heart sunk. “You… you’re right.” I thought about the joy of battle the other day, of my lack of sleep, and of the increasing infrequency of my meals. “But… I don’t want to become a monster. I don’t want to lose myself.”

“Wrap it up,” Taava hissed. “Incomin’ soon. Still one.”

“You won’t,” Joisse whispered, looking to the others. “She won’t, right?”

“No,” Nelys answered.

“I don’t know enough yet,” Kartania admitted.

“You… you might, Zarenna,” Seyar admitted with a hurt voice. “But I’d rather love a monster than a corpse. And if I can be what I was and change, then I believe you can wade through a battlefield of slaughter and emerge as yourself, even if changed.”

“I’m scared, though,” I whispered. “I’m scared that if I start killing… that I’ll enjoy slaughter. I already worry that I do…”

Seyari took a step forward and wrapped me in a hug. “If that becomes a real concern, we’ll deal with it. Together. But until then, there’s no sense living in fear of yourself. You can keep in charge for now, but I want you to know what I’m thinking”

“I’m not afraid of myself… am I?” I whispered the last part so faint as to be barely audible.

“Shhh,” Taava hissed softly, then resumed much louder, “So you’re sure we shouldn’t try for a better path?”

“No. The pass might be dangerous and long, but we won’t get lost,” Nelys answered, glancing back at the nearby bend in the trail.

I heard the footsteps now, and a familiar grey-haired lupael bounded into view. Brynna was outfitted in winter clothing that fit her acceptably well, and carried a big patchwork rucksack on her back. She came to a stop as soon as she noticed us.

For a long while she stared at me in my dress and pack. “It’s enchanted,” I offered, a little quieter than the bravado I intended.

My voice seemingly snapped Brynna out it and she looked the group over. “I figured you’d stopped,” she said, not out of breath at all. “I’ve decided to go with you. I will not abandon my home, and I fear returning alone will achieve nothing.”

I glared at Seyari as if to say “what about this one?”

She bit her lip and looked away. Thought so.

But… I glanced down at my four clawed hands. I kept saying I’d accepted myself, but I keep finding that I’ve failed in one or more aspects. Change is really hard, I guess.

I clenched my hands into fists, then realized everyone, Kartania included, was waiting for me. I gave Brynna my winningest smile. “We’d be glad to have you along.”

She winced at the sight of my teeth, but nodded solemnly. “Thank you. And thank you for saving me.”

“Of course.” I nodded. “Now let’s get going. The sooner we get to Astrye, the better.”

As we walked, I thought about Yevon’s warning. I also worried about the people of Astrye and what the cult might be doing to them. I could get there faster alone. Would it be foolishness? Could I actually just scout ahead?

I felt restless after our last conversation, like I wasn’t doing enough with the power I had. Eventually, I decided I had to ask someone, so I stepped closer to Seyari.

She spoke first. “Earlier… I’m sorry if I was blunt. But I really mean it, Zarenna. You have to be more okay with killing. You have to accept that sometimes you mustn’t risk mercy.”

Even agreeing with her, I winced. “Yeah… I wanted to say something about that as well.” I sighed. “You’re right. In the beginning, I killed out of panic, and then after Lorelei’s death and especially after the power I realized I had in Lockmoth, I… I decided I was powerful enough to force mercy on everyone.”

Seyari smiled sadly. “It’s a noble ideal. Mercy as a tool available to the strong.”

“But it’ll get me killed.”

Seyari nodded. “Or it’ll get one of us killed.”

The cold pit in my stomach grew larger. “Then I’d forever regret my decision.”

“Exactly. You killed Vivian, and it’s almost unfair to expect you to have seen her betrayal coming, but you need to see it coming. And that means you can’t go granting mercy unless you’re fully certain you can control the outcome. Think about Lorelei? In her case, it almost worked out for both of you, but it could easily have gone the other way. And in that case you were close to controlling everything.”

I thought her words over. “You’re right, I guess. But it’s really hard not to try when I see someone as a person who might change and who wants to be a good person.”

Seyari nodded sadly. “Exactly. That’s more normal than you’d like to think. You’re freakishly willing to hurt yourself and create long-term risks for the sake of maybe saving a single person who has long run out of second chances.”

I smiled thinly.

Seyari put an arm up around most of my waist. “I love that about you, Renna. That unambitious selflessness. But this is war now, even if not in name.”

I nodded. “I… I actually came over here to ask you about something related to that. What if I flew to Astrye right now, alone?”

Seyari shook her head. “It’d be a foolish idea. Even in human form, they know what you look like.”

“But… won’t they know we’re coming anyway?”

“Yes, but that’s all of us. You just want to go ahead to save people, don’t you.”

I winced. “Yeah.”

“Renna, I hate to say this, I really do. But right now, this whole fucking mess is about killing the bad people more than it is saving the good. Because if we save people and don’t kill the cult, they’ll just slip through and do more harm elsewhere. Over and over again.” Her voice carried an old, bitter hurt.

“I’m sorry, Sey.” I wrapped two arms around her shoulders.

“…Thanks.”

“If they know we’re coming, should we even bother to hide?”

“What do you think?”

“I think… I think we should attack them promptly and decisively. They… they probably won’t expect me to do that.”

Seyari nodded. “Kartania and I were thinking the same. What will you do if they use innocents as shields?”

The thought of that scenario sickened me. “Try… try to go around them. Get them to negotiate, to drop their guard. Use my speed or my wings or try to kill them with their own fury.”

Seyari nodded. “There’s no good answer. Never is.”

“What would you do?” I asked my fiancée.

“I don’t know anymore,” she replied softly. “And trust me, that’s a good thing.”

I nodded and we resumed walking quickly in silence. As we climbed, the trees got shorter and the snow got icier and deeper. Toward the middle of the afternoon, it started to snow, and Kartania and Seyari worked together to keep our whole group dry. I worked to keep us warm, careful not to extend my magic too far and loosen any snow. Memories of the avalanche on the road north of Gedon were still fresh in my mind.

“Do you think King Carvalon will do anything?” Brynna asked quietly, her voice just barely audible over the crunching of boots on snow.

“He should.” Kartania answered. “But with only word of mouth, he’s not likely to send more than a scouting force. Especially during winter. Likewise, the Church will send others behind me, probably fewer than the King’s soldiers.”

“How long will we have alone?” I asked. “Before they get there, I mean.”

Kartania turned and looked up at me. “A week, perhaps two.”

“That should be enough time,” Seyari said after a moment of thought. “They’ll be looking for us, and if we don’t meet any resistance on the pass, we certainly will in Astrye.”

I felt my lips pull into a frown. This was war. Not yet in name, and just the opening moves, but we weren’t going to Astrye to negotiate.

My claws itched and I was glad to find I didn’t really seem all that eager. Lesser demons of wrath disobeying me seemed to be a step above humans on the “I am excited to kill” ladder. Definitely a good thing.

***

The peaceful day turned into a peaceful night. The still serenity served only to spike my anxiety, and I stared into the dying fire of our campsite trying not to grit my teeth together. What happened with Vivian can’t happen again. Neither can what happened with Lorelei. The latter was what I struggled to accept.

“Mom?” Joisse asked from near her tent.

I jolted. That is going to take some getting used to. “Yes?” I left off anything like “dear.”

“Can I sit with you?” She poked the rest of the way out of her tent.

I patted the rock next to mine. “Of course.”

Joisse sat down next to me. “I hope this isn’t too awkward.”

“I’m still getting used to it, that’s all.”

“What about Seyari?”

I glanced at my fiancée’s tent and smiled thinly. “She’s probably putting thinking about this off, but she did agree of course.”

“Putting it off…”

“Until we’ve resolved things in Astrye.”

“About that.” Joisse fidgeted, and I placed one of my lower arms over her shoulders. “I… I’m scared I’ll lose myself if we have to fight humans. Do… do you have any advice?”

Closing my eyes, I took a long moment to think. “I think… I think as long as you don’t want to kill people, then you’ll be okay. At least for me, even if they’re rotten to the core, I feel some sense that maybe, had things been different, their death wouldn’t have had to happen at my claws.”

“Have you killed someone like that?” Joisse asked softly.

I nodded. “Yeah. The Third Prince of Navanaea. I don’t regret it, not the act itself at least. The world’s a better place and people are safer with him dead. But I had the luxury of knowing the depths of his evil first. We’ll be ambushing people, some of whom may have been misled or blackmailed into joining the cult.”

“But they’re still going along with it.” Joisse said, her voice gaining some confidence. “Right?”

I sighed. “Right. Seyari’s tried to drill that into my thick head for months, going on a year. I don’t think I’ll ever truly feel like my actions were one hundred percent in the right in most cases.”

Joisse nodded. “But you’re still going to kill people in the cult? And those who help them?”

I cracked a single eye open to look down at Joisse. “Yeah, I will.” I looked down at the three hands I had in my lap and flexed my claws, watching the air distort around them as I heated them. “I’ll make it fast. I won’t revel in it, despite my baser nature wanting to.”

“The same for those who might be forced into helping the cult against their will?”

I shook my head. “Not if I can help it. But… I need to stop acting like a saint. I have the strength to offer mercy, but it’s not always the right option. Within the week, I’ll have killed someone who could have been saved.” I felt the first tears slide down my cheek.

Joisse leaned over and placed a hand on the small of my back. “I think you’re doing your best. And I think you’re a really good person, Zarenna. Mom.”

I wiped my face with the back of my hand. “Thanks, Joisse. I just hope we can put a stop to this with minimum collateral damage.”

“Mhm.” Joisse gazed off into the woods like she wanted to say something else, but she didn’t.

Instead, we sat by each other in silence until Joisse drifted off to sleep and the orange of morning filtered through the snow-laden trees.

I am going to kill. Controlled I may be, but I am no pacifist and everyone will only suffer if I play at being one. In the end, I am Wrath.