Chapter 111: Cheeky Kazzel

I closed the door to our inn room softly behind me, making sure to lock it. Sleep wasn’t going to take me, so I padded down the hall and out into the crisp night air. My mind whirled. Just a few days ago, everything had still been so simple: get to the next place and keep going.

But now, my feet tread on Edathan soil. Home, while still far away in a technical sense, was a relative stone’s throw. And with that knowledge came memories. Clarity helped me sleep most nights these days, and without it I couldn’t help but feel how I just wasn’t tired.

Really, I didn’t need to sleep tonight at all. That little reminder of my inhumanity had come at the wrong moment: right as I tried to quash visions of fire and death, and memories of loneliness on a verdant rock in a vast ocean.

I thought I’d put all this behind me.

I frowned and kept walking, head low. In the cold, few people were out at this late, late hour. The city of Gedon slept around me and I let the chill night air bite rather than warm myself with my magic.

I found myself walking toward the river and I kept on course, boots crunching days-old snow. If anyone eyed me up as a target for any late-night viciousness, I didn’t notice and they didn’t act. I hardly even noticed someone slip down from a rooftop to walk beside me until she spoke.

“Can’t sleep either?” Taava whispered.

“Yeah,” I replied slowly.

The kazzel hummed an acknowledgement but kept otherwise silent. I glanced over at her and saw she was wearing dark clothes—not quite a thief’s outfit, but close. Aside from her head and its twitchy brown-furred ears, she blended into the shadows under a cloudy sky.

The two of us walked together until we reached the riverfront. The docks here looked new, and I could see piles of mud across from where fresh channels had been dug into the silt of the river.

We turned and kept walking, out of the harbor, and into a ruined neighborhood. Much had been rebuilt: fresh mortar and plaster contrasted brightly against stained and scorched walls.

This city really did see a lot of fighting in the war.

I stopped for a moment to stare at a collapsed building that had yet to be cleared. From a distance, it looked almost like a lumpy, undeveloped lot. But as soon as I got close, I could see scorched and cracked stone where grass and small shrubs had started to take over. Magic in wars was a terrible thing.

I looked down at my hands. I could have done this easily. What does that say about me?

Taava stopped next to me. She didn’t say a word.

I wouldn’t, though. Having power’s not the issue—misusing it is. I’m no one’s weapon, not now, not ever.

Eventually, I tore myself away and unclenched my fists. At some point my claws came out, and they left little pinpricks of pain in my palms until my natural healing smoothed them over.

I looked at my human-seeming hands again while we resumed our walk. Not a single blemish. Not even a callus. In a lot of ways, I could argue I was a monster. That I had no business comingling with mortals. Bullshit. A talented mage could do much of what I can—so what if they’re easier to stop?

I glanced down at Taava and saw she was looking straight ahead, face downcast. I have friends. And sleeping soundly across town I have my best friend: my lover, my Seyari.

I’m no monster.

I felt a little better just confirming that again.

Still can’t sleep though.

I kept walking and the two of us left the recovering neighborhood and came upon a stone and wrought iron fence. Taava glanced at it, and without much hesitation kicked up and flipped over it, silent as a ghost. She took a few steps on the other side, then stopped and turned.

I tested my weight on the old iron, and braced myself against a stone pillar. A careful heave and I was over without breaking anything. I landed hard enough to leave two deep boot prints in the frozen ground and we kept walking.

Ahead of us was a sparse forest, slightly overgrown past the fence. When we passed the first headstone, I realized we were in a graveyard. Taava seemed to realize it as well, so she turned and headed down toward the river.

The graves stopped well before the water, and when we reached the bank, Taava hopped up into a nearby tree to sit on a branch. By my best guess, the tree was an old oak, and it looked a little skeletal in the night.

I didn’t dare try my weight, so I walked over to the tree and leaned against its base instead. I could see a few more trees on the far bank, and no buildings, so I reverted my transformation and pulled my tail over myself for warmth, allowing a little heat to build from my magic. The warmth was enough that the icy, hard snow around me melted, leaving me with an unpleasantly wet butt. Silence abounded, save the low susurration of the Linthel river.

I rested my head in two hands and crossed the others over my knees, pulling my legs close. For a few minutes, I scratched little circles in the frosty dirt with my tail tip before I decided to break the silence.

“Anything you want to talk about?” My voice pierced into the stillness and faded just as quickly.

Taava waited to respond and I heard her shift her weight above me, dangling her booted legs to kick slowly in the air.

Eventually, however, she did speak. “Just thinkin’, I guess.”

“What about?”

“People bein’ two things.”

“Like my human transformation?”

“Kinda. Not somethin’ quite like that… Y’know?”

I shook my head, then realized she couldn’t see me. “I guess I don’t know.”

“So what I mean is, I guess that’s one if ya look at it right. But I’m more talkin’ about human you and then demon you. Two lives, but… not. That make sense?”

I responded with a hum and thought long and hard on what Taava said. Two lives but not. I could see it, honestly. It’s not like demon me is a totally different person in terms of who I am. All the memories of old me—even the bad ones—are a part of new me. But new me isn’t old me, even if some things are.

It made my head hurt a little to try to pin down exactly what she was getting at.

“Gives ya a bit of a headache ta try’n figure out, yeah?”

“Yeah… but at the same time I think I get it.”

“Hmm. Not quite sure I do, I guess. And you’ve all got it.”

“The two but not two thing?”

“Yep. Sey’s got this whole past life thing you’re the only one who knows all about. Not like, past life as in died or anythin’, but she’s not who she was then, yeah?”

A puzzle piece clicked in my head and I started to see a pattern emerge. “Yeah. And Nelys has a similar thing they’re figuring out with who and what they’re meant to be.”

“Got it in one!” Taava’s legs sped up.

“And you too, right? Assassin Taava and witty, irreverent bard Taava?”

The legs stopped and Taava’s breath hitched.

Did I mess up?

“I, uh, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to—”

“You’re wrong.” Taava’s voice changed. “There is only one; the other is a façade. A result of training.”

“So?”

“So I do not understand. I don’t think I can understand.” Her “real” voice wavered.

“You want to be like your fabricated personality, but you know it’s all a lie and you can’t”

“…Yes.”

I stood up and took a step so I could look up and meet Taava’s gaze. She looked down at me coldly—not a shred of emotion showed on her face. Her eyes were dry and focused. But she couldn’t hide her anger from me. And I had a darn good idea she was directing it inward. I had to target the source.

“Bullshit. The worst fucking lie I’ve ever heard.” I swore like Seyari, but a big dumb smile grew across my face as I did so.

Taava’s eyes widened for a fleeting moment before she regained control. “What.”

I shrugged. “That’s what Seyari told me. Not quite like that, but I got the swears right.”

Taava narrowed her eyes. “Go on.”

“She said that when I told her how I ‘couldn’t be a woman’ and how I was ‘just an imposter.’”

“That makes little sense.”

“Sey, or me?”

“You, Zarenna.”

“Right now, or in my anecdote?”

“In your anecdote, Zarenna.”

“Okay! Just checking. So do you get it now?”

“No.”

“Shit. Okay, look. You!” I pointed to Taava. “Are whatever feels right to you. Whatever makes you comfortable—whoever makes you comfortable. Right now, I can literally feel that you’re beating yourself up inside, furious that you’re stuck being an emotionless killer.”

“Incorrect.”

I pulled my collar down to reveal my symbol, but the tight outfit didn’t reach. Instead, I pointed between my breasts. “You know my symbol, right?”

“Yes.”

“I’m the Sovereign of Wrath.”

“I do not see the relevance.”

I smiled again, showing sharp teeth. “Do you really not? I can see your anger, Taava. I can see your anger when you beat yourself up for not being the person you want to be. No amount of training can hide wrath from the Sovereign of Wrath.”

“You…”

I pointed at myself with all four hands. “Me. Zarenna. Former human, current demon. Former male body, current kickass female demon body. Always a woman. Always Zarenna. Does that about cover it?”

Taava stared down at me, and while there were no outward signs, I could feel her shell cracking, her anger losing cohesion.

Now, I pointed at Taava, four index fingers aimed her way. “You. Taava. Former cold assassin, current fun, cheeky, socially adept, musically talented friend and professional good person. Always well-intended. Always Taava.”

“N-no” She shook her head. “Not always well-intended.”

I put my lower hands on my hips. “Do you feel any regret for what you’ve done in the past?”

Taava closed her eyes, thinking. I listened to the low tone of the river and felt her tumultuous fury for a while before she finally replied, “Not all of it.”

“But some of it?” I pressed.

Taava nodded.

I shrugged. “Then I think that’s fine! I think that means you’re a good person. Maybe I was a little wrong and you’ve grown a conscience since the old you, but you definitely have one now. I’ve seen it—heck, I’ve felt it. I’m feeling it right now.”

She raised an eyebrow and her mask cracked a little more. “Really?”

“Yes really. And—” I moved, claws carrying me up the tree faster than even Taava could react. She tried to twist away, but I grabbed her in a side hug and brought her back down to the base of the tree. “And we’re going to stay like this until you realize that the ‘you’ you want to be isn’t some fabricated person.”

That last push did it. Eyes wide, and heartbeat slowly coming down, Taava stared intensely out over the nighttime river. Her mask held a moment longer, and then it shattered as the biggest, dumbest grin I’d ever seen split her face side-to-side.

“You’re gonna regret makin’ a cheeky kazzel outta me, Renna.”

I placed a hand over my heart, faux-wounded. “I tell you that you can be whoever you really are, and you give me a walking snark delivery service?”

“Ya bet I do, ya big red heater.”

“Hey!” I pouted.

“Get ta makin’ the heat! I’m freezing my tail off out here and I’m tired a actin’ like I don’t give a toss.”

I bopped Taava on the head, but obliged, warming the two of us against the nighttime chill.

We sat and chatted until snow started to fall and the deep purplish orange of an impending sunrise lit the edge of the horizon. I learned about Raavia, about the war and an orphan who was made to do things no child should have to endure. Taava learned about Linthel, and a fair bit more about my own dysphoria than anyone other than Seyari knew. She also learned about Abby and Tania, and about my impending meeting and fears for my sister’s safety.

“That Abby girl sounds like a good friend.” Taava nodded, yawning. “Knowin’ you I’m surprised there’s not a smokin’ crater where Mordwell is.”

I shrugged. “Tania told me to wait until our meeting.”

“Why’d ya listen?”

“Trust.”

“Huh, funny thing that.”

I glanced at Taava, a little worried. She tilted her head my way, wearing a sarcastic smile. I returned a genuine one of my own.

“Seyari’s gonna kill ya. Ya know that right?”

A creeping chill washed over me. Suddenly, the sunrise seemed more ominous than welcome.

I stood quickly, pulling Taava up with me. “Let’s go back.”

“Don’t want Sey ta find out about your secret tryst?”

“Taava,” I warned with a growl.

“Hey, just jokin’! I’m not really inta that sex stuff anyway, even if ya weren’t taken.” She stuck her tongue out and flattened her ears against her head.

“Really?” I asked. “What about some of your songs?”

Taava shrugged and started walking back through the trees. “Sex sells. Besides, you’re real fun ta tease.”

“Taava!” I jogged to catch up.

Taava played keep away until we reached headstones again. “Forgettin’ somethin’?” she teased.

What could I be? Oh. Shit.

I skidded to a halt and transformed into my human form. My extra sleeves were loose, so I took a moment to fix them, losing the kazzel ahead of me in the snowy predawn dimness.

“Y-you…” a voice I didn’t recognize whispered.

My head snapped to the sound and a woman in dark clothes flinched under my gaze. She stood next to a clean-looking headstone and a small bundle of winter flowers had fallen to the ground between her feet.

Crap.