Chapter Eighty-One: Vanni

There was a conversation going on in the room, but Allie wasn’t paying any attention to what was being said. She couldn’t tear her eyes away from her reflection in the sizable vanity mirror in the room Lord Balseron had given her.

Her hair had been the feature she’d been most proud of once. Long and silky, so dark a black it looked to be nearly blue in the right light. She could still remember her mother weaving it into beautiful, intricate braids before she’d gotten so sick her fingers no longer had the strength to do so. A close second were her eyes. They’d always been a rich violet, and her father had always said it meant she’d been born lucky.

Now her hair was dull and dry. Split ends and stray hairs poked out of her lazy tail. Her eyes were so dull they looked dead with how dark the bags under her eyes had gotten. Her once-ivory skin had taken on an unhealthy pallor, and she wouldn’t be able to hide her weight loss from the others for much longer. She was fairly certain Nora already knew, but nobody had mentioned how her cheekbones were more pronounced than usual. That her collarbones pressed against her shirt more than they once had. Nobody mentioned anything at all about her rapidly deteriorating state, and she knew it was because of how frustrated they were that there was seemingly nothing anyone could do about it.

She’d been angry in the beginning. Then frustrated. Scared. Now? Mostly, she was just tired. Tired of being afraid. Tired of seeing the pain on her friends’ faces after each episode. Tired of seeing how much suffering her condition was causing them.

They were planning right now. Trying to figure out…something. She could barely remember at this point. Right now she was caught up looking for signs of Eliya in her eyes. Or was she looking for signs of Allie? It was getting harder and harder to tell which was which. Who she was at any given point. Where her episodes had once been easily marked by her losing time, now she was slipping between both personas so easily it was scary. Sometimes it was hard to remember who was the original and who was the interloper. Those were the times that scared her most.

The two different lives were on a collision course, and she wasn’t sure which would survive when it happened.

“Allie?” Gwen stood to her left, reaching for her uncertainly. Allie recognized the expression. It wasn’t the first time she’d called. “Are you listening?” she asked.

At first, Allie could only blink. It was undoubtedly Gwendolyn that stood in front of her—every fiber of Allie’s being told her that much—but she was all wrong. Gwen was short. Stocky. Thickly built, which had always bothered her. Not tall, lithe, and graceful like the platinum blond before her. And her eyes. Plural. Allie could still remember gouging one of Gwen’s eyes out. Sobbing. Fighting the burning at her throat with everything she had only to lose to the collar’s command. Gwen holding her that night, sobbing just as hard, promising she didn’t hold it against Allie. That she knew it was the collar’s doing, not hers.

Eliya.

She was Eliya again, and she hadn’t even realized it. Gwen—no, Therese reached out to brush stray hairs out of Allie’s face. Her long, slender fingers pushed into her hair, pressing the tips into the side of her head. Allie’s eyes closed, a shiver running through her. Therese’s hands passed over smooth skin and raven hair, not bumpy, horribly scarred flesh. It felt good. So fucking good. More than that, it anchored Allie into her body. Reminded her of who she was. Somehow, Therese had figured out touching that part of her was the fastest way to snap Allie back to reality.

And as she came back, she realized Allie had been paying attention to the conversation, even if Eliya hadn’t. That was another scary development. Eliya didn’t go away fully when Allie was in control anymore. She was always present, just as Allie was always present when Eliya was at the wheel. It was one more thing that made knowing who was in charge that much harder.

Allie closed her eyes, fighting the need to lean into Therese’s touch. To lean into her. To seek comfort in those long, graceful arms. She knew the mage would let her in a heartbeat, but she couldn’t bring herself to do it. Not when she was careening towards the edge of a cliff so imminently. What kind of person would she be to grow close to Therese knowing her days were numbered?

She let out a breath. “I don’t think I can leave Vanni here. Not in good conscience,” she said, answering Kat’s question as to whether they should leave.

Kat looked relieved. She’d come back with a veritable fortune in artifacts, and still it seemed it wouldn’t be enough to pry Vanni from Balseron’s clutches. He was still ‘considering’ their offer, but Allie’s instincts weren’t hopeful. Or Eliya’s, maybe. She wasn’t sure.

But Therese’s finger tapped away on her bicep. “I’m not sure how much longer we can afford to stay here.”

The implication behind her words was clear. She wasn’t sure how much longer Allie had. She’d made it clear she wanted to leave and seek help before it was too late, and she was starting to win Nora over.

Allie shook her head, leaning heavily on the desk. “I don’t give a shit what Bennet wants, we aren’t leaving without her.” The words came out in a growl, which surprised her as much as it did the rest of them.

Those fingers caressed her head again and a soft sigh slipped past her lips. She’d slipped back into Eliya again. Eliya cursed a lot more than she did, and while Nora was adept at reading the change in her body movements, Therese usually knew when she’d slipped into Eliya after just one or two sentences. The two of them were likely the only reason Allie was still any semblance of sane at this point.

Allie shook herself. “I won’t leave her here. Look, let’s be honest. Any chance of curing me is a long shot at best, and if we don’t find some magical way to fix whatever was done to my soul, I don’t want to die knowing I left Vanni to her fate.”

A strong hand grabbed her shoulder. “You aren’t dying,” Nora said sternly.

Allie smiled weakly. “You’re right. Someone will be left inhabiting the body, I’m sure, it just might not be me.”Nora pulled her in close, pressing their foreheads together. “Not. Happening.”

Kat ran a hand over her face. She’d been different since she’d returned from the Capital. Thoughtful. Introspective in a way Allie hadn’t seen from the girl. “According to the appraiser I went to, the painting I gave Balseron was the cheapest item my friend gave me. Balseron, the slimy bastard, agreed to accept it as payment for a night with Vanni. It was the best I could do.”

Allie nodded. It made her gut clench just thinking about it, but there wasn’t much choice. They’d work with what they had. So far, Balseron had only shown off Vanni in short bursts. During meals or downtime, and always with an escort. A ‘night alone’ with her meant they might be able to ask her questions she wouldn’t be able to answer otherwise.

“He still thinks you’re in love with her,” Kat continued, “so she’ll be spending the night with you. The question is if you want to be alone or not.”

“I…” Allie trailed off. How did she say she wanted them all to stay as well? How could she put into words that every time she fell asleep she was terrified Allie would never again wake? That she wanted to spend every moment possible with them while she was still…her?

Therese’s fingers laced with hers. “We can all stay, if you’d like. The bed is certainly big enough.”

Allie nodded, unable to speak past the lump in her throat. Rose cleared her throat. “All of us?”

“Yes.” She looked from Rose to Kat pointedly. “All of you. Please.”

Arms like tree trunks wrapped around her from behind without pulling her hand from Therese’s. “Then all of us is what you’ll get.”

Kat nodded. “Yeah, for sure.”

Something in Allie’s gut unclenched. A relief swept through her she couldn’t explain, but she was more than glad for that. She leaned back into Nora’s embrace while her grip on Therese’s hand tightened. She really didn’t know what she would do without the women who’d stumbled into her life.

It wasn’t long before a servant came to collect them for dinner. It was another forced affair, with Balseron practically salivating over every glance they threw Vanni’s way. She stood there stoically for her part, still as a statue. Still only a step above naked with her body visible through the sheer silk of her loose robe. Her eyes hidden behind a veil Allie constantly wondered if she could actually see through.

Allie and her party behaved with a sense of false cheer that didn’t seem to affect the lord in the slightest. By the end of the affair she genuinely didn’t know which would do her in first, her damaged soul or spending more dinner’s in the disgusting lord’s presence.

“Vanni, you will accompany Lady Luce to her room tonight,” he said with a wave of his hand as servants swept in to clean the dishes from the table. Vanni didn’t react past a slight curtsy as Balseron stood and brushed the crumbs from his shirt. “She will explain the rules to you. In the meantime, I will consider your offer. I look forward to speaking with you in the morning.”

He looked Vanni over one final time before sweeping from the room, his billowing clothes trailing behind him. Allie was the first to stand, and her party followed suit. Trying to ignore the sick feeling in her gut, she gestured out of the room. “Vanni, please. Follow me.”

“Of course, mistress,” Vanni said. Her voice was soft, yet raspy. It occurred to Allie that she’d never heard Vanni speak before.

Allie led the way, and a part of her was proud of the way her party moved to flank her and Vanni, ready to protect them from any harm. Vanni followed with two hands clasped behind her back and her other set of arms wrapped around her stomach. Not used to reading people with more than one set of arms, Allie wasn’t sure if she was nervous or if this was normal.

“Vanni, do you mind if the rest of my party joins us?”

“If the mistress wishes it, I will not object,” Vanni said simply.

Allie just nodded. She didn’t want to reassure Vanni too much in case Balseron had ears listening to them. Allie had no doubt if the man knew what her party really thought of him he’d kick them out in a heartbeat. That or he’d do something horrible to Vanni just to hurt them, but that possibility was one that had come to her while she’d been Eliya.

Allie entered first, followed by Vanni, then the rest of the group joined them. The Ashra stood in the doorway giving nothing away, the only indication of her emotions the slight speeding up of her breath indicated only by the rise and fall of her breasts. The slight tinkling of the chains that hung from her nipples clearly visible through the sheer top made Allie’s blood boil, but there was nothing she could do about it now.

The others filed in, most of them finding spots in the grand room to sit. All of them were watching Vanni like a hawk, though. Allie approached her, unnerved by the veil that hid most of the woman’s face from view. “Lord Balseron mentioned rules?”

Vanni inclined her head. “Yes. I am not to allow any marks to be made that would be visible on my flesh, and my veil is to remain in place. Other than those two restrictions, I am to do whatever I am told.”

Allie found some small comfort that Vanni wasn’t being physically abused, but not much. “And if we wanted to see your eyes? If I asked you to take that veil off, what would you say?”

This time Vanni tensed. “The master is adamant that the veil remain in place.”

“Why?” Allie asked softly.

Vanni swallowed. “He…sees them as an imperfection. They make his guests uncomfortable, so I am to keep them from sight.”

“Is that why you talk without showing your teeth?” Therese asked.

Vanni’s head tilted in her direction, then she nodded. Allie stepped in closer. “Can I remove your veil? If it makes you feel better, we don’t have to tell Balseron.”

After a long moment of hesitation, Vanni eventually nodded. Moving slowly, Allie reached up and lifted the veil away. Vanni’s eyes were firmly shut. Allie set the veil aside and took a step back so she wasn’t in Vanni’s space. “We won’t hurt you. In fact, we won’t even touch you unless you explicitly tell us it’s alright.”

She frowned. “But…then why would you pay for a night with me?”

It was Therese who answered while Nora watched with her arms crossed and her jaw firmly shut. “Because we wanted to talk to you. Learn more about you and your master in a private setting.”

“And we can’t have a productive conversation if your eyes are closed the whole time,” Allie said, her tone teasing.

Vanni’s lower arms wrapped tightly around her stomach—this time definitely in a way that said she was nervous—and she pressed the fingertips of her upper arms together in front of her. She took a long breath, then slowly opened her eyes and looked at Allie.

A shocked gasp slipped past Allie’s lips, accompanied by a surge of adrenaline that made her heart skip a beat. Vanni’s irises were a dark red, and her pupils were vertical like a dragon’s or a cat’s. But the most surprising part was that there were no whites. The scleras were as black as her pupils, which meant the red was the only color in them. But none of that was what sent adrenaline surging through her veins.

Vanni’s eyes were identical to the Ashai they’d killed. After Kat had returned with all sorts of new information about the Eldritch Beasts, Therese had been the first to point out the similarities in the beast’s name and the name of Vanni’s race. If there were any doubt before that the two were related somehow, there wasn’t any longer.

Allie allowed herself to be stunned for just a beat too long. Vanni’s expression fell, and her eyes flicked to the floor. Her lower arms hugged her even tighter and her upper hands laced together, squeezing one another tightly. She took a step towards the veil, but Allie stepped forward.

Some part of her knew she was Eliya in that moment, all too familiar with feeling like her appearance made her unlovable. She caught Vanni with two fingers under her chin and lifted her face until the Ashra looked at her, hesitation and fear in her eyes.

“You’re beautiful, Vanni, you just caught me off guard for a moment. You don’t have to hide those eyes from me.”

Vanni bit her lip, revealing long, pointed canines, then gasped and slammed her lips shut firmly. Allie didn’t take her fingers away from where they just barely brushed the underside of Vanni’s jaw. “You don’t have to hide those, either. Let’s make a deal, alright? Come in and sit. All we want is for you to hang out and talk to us, maybe answer some questions if you’re comfortable, maybe eat some of the snacks Kat’s been stashing away, and we’ll be sure to tell Balseron that you performed perfectly. How does that sound?”

She spared one last glance towards the veil, then nodded. Allie turned towards the little receiving area in her suite, but Vanni said, “he won’t sell me, you know. You’re not the first to try and purchase me, but Lord Balseron won’t part with me under any circumstance. He enjoys feeling important far too much, and owning an anomaly such as myself is worth more than any jewels or coin ever could.”

A cold fist gripped Allie’s heart, but she didn’t let it show. Instead, she smiled. “Come on.” They all stood back, letting Vanni have her pick of the chairs. To Allie’s surprise, she elected for the two-seater rather than one of the armchairs that would have ensured she was sitting alone. After a brief silent exchange with both Nora and Therese, Allie sank down onto the couch next to the Ashra.

The others all took seats as well. Nora and Kat in armchairs and Therese and Rose sitting shoulder to shoulder on the couch. Slowly, watching for any sign that the move was unwanted, Allie brushed some of her lilac hair behind her ear. When Vanni didn’t flinch away, Allie gently placed her other hand on one of Vanni’s forearms.

“First, can you tell us about the others who tried to purchase you?” The words tasted like dirt in her mouth, but she forced them out anyways.

Vanni nodded. “They were… terrifying. They were led by a man named Kevran Arthal. The men he had with him… the way they looked at me…” She broke off, suddenly shivering.

Keeping her hand on Vanni’s forearm, Allie started gently stroking Vanni’s hair. “Did Balseron force you to spend time with them as well?”

She shook her head. “No. He’s many things, but he isn’t overly cruel. It may be to soothe his own ego, but he does take good care of me. I think he knew just as I did that the men Arthal had with him wouldn’t care much for his rules. They were only here for a single night, and something about them…” The shivering got worse. “I didn’t sleep a wink the entire time they were in the manor. I wasn’t sorry to see them go.”

Allie exchanged a loaded look with Kat. Whoever these guys were, they sounded like bad news. It only made sense that Bennet wasn’t the only one to have heard about Vanni’s existence, but Allie had to wonder who else would have reason to seek her out.

“Shh,” Allie said, shifting closer. She gently pulled Vanni so that the Ashra was leaning on her, still stroking her hair. Vanni pressed into Allie’s side with little resistance. “Enough about those assholes, let’s talk about something else, yeah?”

Vanni nodded, and Allie shot a glance at the others. Gwen and Maeve both were tense, and it took Allie a moment to figure out why. Eliya had spent most of her life comforting damaged kids in dark rooms, so it only made sense she’d floated to the forefront around Vanni. But, even though she was pretty sure Eliya was at the wheel, Allie wasn’t worried. If anything, she was comforted by the fierce protectiveness surging through her.

With only a little hesitance, Allie made a conscious decision to remain Eliya. “Why don’t you tell us about your life here? How Balseron treats you?”

“Alright.” Vanni settled a bit in Allie’s arms. “Well, like I said, he isn’t a cruel man at heart. Just greedy. When there aren’t guests to show me off to, I actually get a good amount of free time. I spend a lot of it in the library. I love to read.”

“What kinds of books?” Allie asked.

Some of the tension in Vanni’s shoulders melted away while she described the books she liked to read. Fantastic tales of powerful heroines building parties and saving the world. Books of all the different peoples of the world and the lands they inhabit. Vanni sounded like an adventurer at heart, locked away by the strange race she was born as.

“He’s very strict about what I eat, but he at least makes sure I never go hungry,” she continued after a while. “I’m better at avoiding them than I used to be, but for punishments he prefers isolation. He doesn’t want to risk scarring my body with physical beatings, so he locks me in the dark. A small smile slides onto her face. “Little does he know I can see perfectly in the dark, and that I’ve been alone pretty much all my life so being in isolation doesn’t bother me all that much. Not nearly as much as I pretend it does, at least.”

Then her expression darkened and she sat up. “I shouldn’t have said that. You won’t tell him that, right? Please?”

Allie grabbed her by the shoulders. “It’s alright, we won’t tell him anything you say. Promise.” She sagged in relief, and Allie couldn’t help but smile herself. Vanni wasn’t quite the submissive servant she pretended to be, it seemed. “And this?” she asked, gesturing at the room around them. “Does this happen often? Him lending you to his guests?”

“Not often, no, but on occasion.” She shrugged. “Usually he only offers me to men he knows either won’t actually go all the way or close friends. He must have very badly wanted whatever it was you’re offering. That, and you don’t have a… you know…”

“A cock?” Allie asked. Vanni gulped, then nodded. “Don’t worry, like I said, all we want is to talk to you. Nothing more, nothing less.”

Vanni’s mesmerizing eyes drifted to where Allie’s arm was wrapped over her shoulders, then back up with a single brow arched, and Allie laughed. “These are comfort cuddles, they don’t count. And you’re more than welcome to tell me to shove off at any point and I will, alright?”

She searched Allie’s face for any sign of deceit, then eventually nodded. For the first time since she’d entered the room, her lower arms started to uncurl from where they’d been firmly wrapped around her narrow midsection. Allie leaned back into the couch and Vanni came along with her, wrapping one set of arms around one of Allie’s while a third arm sought out her hand and the fourth settled on Allie’s thigh just above her knee. She leaned her head on Allie’s arm and tucked her legs underneath her.

“Can I ask you something now?”

“Of course,” Allie said immediately.

“Tell me stories? You guys are adventurers, right? I want to know about all the cool things you’ve done. Then I’ll answer all the questions I’m sure you have about my race.”

With the hand Vanni wasn’t firmly wrapped around, Allie brushed the Ashra’s hair back. “That sounds like a fair trade to me.”

They ended up talking well into the night. Every so often, Allie looked at her friends who were more than happy to let her take the lead except when it was their turn to tell a story. Sometimes they were Nora, Therese, and Rose, others they were Maeve, Gwendolyn, and Isabel. Kat and Vanni never changed, though.

The more they talked, the more comfortable Vanni got. Unsurprisingly, Kat had some of the most interesting stories since she was a Chosen. Therese, as a B rank adventurer, came in a close second. Vanni hung off their every word with wide eyes and a wider smile that showed off those pearly canines. Then Kat would take over to ask the questions Bennet most wanted answered until Allie felt Vanni grow uncomfortable again. Then she’d redirect the conversation back to story time.

Eventually, after both Rose and Therese had started nodding off in their seats, they had to call it quits. Vanni hid it well, but Allie still picked up on her disappointment. They offered to let Vanni sleep alone, but it wasn’t long before all six of them were piling into the suite’s massive bed. Kat claimed the spot nearest one edge while Rose slept perched on the other. Allie was prepared for Nora to grab her, crushing her to the warrior woman’s ample chest, but long slender limbs wrapped around her instead.

It was a surprise when Therese snuggled up to her from behind, pressing the gentlest of kisses to the back of Allie’s shoulder, but a welcome one. Then they all laughed when Nora, not to be outdone, flopped down behind Therese and wrapped her arms around the both of them. Timidly, Vanni climbed in between Kat and Allie, curling up without touching any of them but close enough that Allie could feel the body heat coming from her. She made a mental note to mention to Kat in the morning that Vanni apparently ran hot.

Rose was out before they’d even finished getting situated. Therese’s breathing evened out so soon after Allie found herself jealous of her, a girl pressed into both her front and her back. It was about ten minutes after that the sound of Kat sawing logs filled the room. Nora held out as long as she could—no doubt the one on Allie-watch—but even she succumbed to sleep eventually. All four of them had been getting nearly as little sleep as Allie had, and it was all her fault.

As the minutes stretched into an hour, Vanni remained her one companion in the waking world. It wasn’t completely dark with the moonlight filtering in through the open balcony on the side of their suite, so Allie could see the dark red eyes peering at her in the dim light.

Around when they entered what might have been the second or third hour—it was always hard to tell at night—Vanni said, “You’re scared.”

Not a question, and it had been spoken so softly that for a moment Allie thought she’d dreamed it. “Of what?”“Falling asleep,” she said simply.

Allie let out a long breath. “You know we aren’t leaving you here, right?” she said, trying to change the topic. “We’ll figure out a way to get you out of Balseron’s clutches. Then, who knows? Maybe you’ll get to see all those places you love to read about.”

The light only served to make Vanni’s sad smile even sadder. “It’s okay. I understand. I’ll spend the rest of my life here, and I’ve come to terms with it.” Hesitantly, she reached out with one of her lower arms—arms that Allie had noticed she was much more reticent about using—and wrapped her fingers around Allie’s. “You’re kind. Much kinder than just about anyone else I’ve met here. I do think I’ll miss you very much after you leave.”

A lump formed in Allie’s throat. “I’m not giving up that easily.”

Vanni squeezed her hand. “I know. It’s going to make me miss you all the more. Now, why are you afraid to sleep?”

Allie blew out a breath. The more comfortable she’d grown, the more Vanni’s stubborn streak had started to bleed through. When it became clear she wasn’t going to just let it lie, Allie decided to go through a simplified version of the truth.

“Something happened to me. It left…trauma behind. Sometimes, I feel like I’m someone else, and I don’t even know it. It’s not unmanageable when I’m awake, but when I sleep…” Even the dreams weren’t the worst part anymore. With the exception of Eliya’s death, which still eluded her, Allie was fairly confident she’d lived through the worst of what Eliya’s life had to offer.

Vanni squeezed her hand again to prompt Allie to continue. “I’m afraid of who's going to wake up when I fall asleep. I’m afraid that one day the me I’ve always been will close her eyes and cease to exist, and I’m scared of what’ll happen.”

Allie waited for judgment or confusion or pity, but none came. Slowly, hesitantly, Vanni reached out and touched her fingertips to Allie’s cheek. Then her palm. Her thumb traced the bag under Allie’s eye. “My old master, he was a kind man. He’d been an adventurer, but he lost his arm and his party in a job gone wrong. He had night terrors and episodes that made him afraid to go to sleep as well.”

Vanni chewed the inside of her cheek, then said, “I can try to help, if you’ll let me.”

Now it was Allie’s turn to offer a sad smile. “Not sure there’s anything that can be done for me.”

Scooting towards her, Vanni leaned in so close Allie could feel her breath on her lips. “You know enough of my other secrets by now, even if for no other reason than you’re the first to care enough to ask. I have a class. One that’s apparently…rare. I’m not sure I can do anything to undo the damage that’s been done, but I can at least help you get a good night’s rest.”

At this point, Allie would sell her damaged soul for some good fucking sleep. “How?”

“I’m a Syngergist,” Vanni whispered. “There are a lot of options for skills that make groups more powerful in combat, but I haven’t taken any of those. One of the skills I do have calms the mind and suppresses emotions. Things like anxiety or fear. During the last year he was alive, it was the only way my master could fall asleep. I can try it, if you’ll let me.”

Unable to speak, Allie just nodded. Nervous relief passed over Vanni’s face, then she started sidling even closer. She let go of Allie’s hand, then two hands grabbed Allie by the hips. Their fronts pressed together, trapping Therese’s arms between them, and Vanni placed a hand on either side of Allie’s face. Then their lips brushed together. A light, feathery touch that stunned Allie enough to keep her from reciprocating before Vanni pulled away.

“Was—was that part of the skill?” Allie asked, thinking of her previous master.

Vanni giggled. “No, that was for me. It’s selfish, but nobody’s ever made me feel the way you have tonight. Like I’m…normal. Not some abomination.”

Allie’s hands found their way to Vanni’s hips, then further as she wrapped her arms around the Ashai. “You aren’t an abomination. I don’t think I’d want you to be anything but what you are.”

Vanni’s grin widened and wetness collected in the corners of her eyes, only visible in the dark because of how close her face was. “Thank you,” she whispered, her voice sounding like a prayer. “Sleep well, Allisandre.”

Then everything went quiet. Beautifully, mercifully silent. Allie. Eliya. Suddenly, it didn’t matter. She was either both of them or neither of them, and whichever was the answer wasn’t up to her. All the thoughts and fears bouncing around her mind faded, replaced by a warm blanket of nothing. A shuddering gasp slipped past her lips and Vanni’s thumb wiped away the wetness beneath her eyes.

Everything was gone. Everything good and everything bad, all replaced by nothing but her exhaustion. But here and now, with Therese pressed into her back, Vanni into her front, and Nora’s hand on her waist, Allie didn’t even try to fight her eyelids as they slid shut. Vanni whispered something else, but Allie was already gone.

# # #

Allie’s eyes were closed. Hard stone dug into her back, but her head lay on something soft and warm. Someone’s lap. A pleased sound slipped from her throat as someone dragged their fingers across the disfigured flesh on the side of her head. She opened her eyes and looked up at Zaren, skinny and gaunt, who looked down at her with an emotion in his eyes she was utterly terrified to name.

“Thought you’d fallen asleep on me there,” he rasped. His eyes were still red, and his throat was raw from screaming. The death of the twins followed so closely by what must have been a harrowing trial at Karn’s hands. His penultimate trial, if Karn was to be believed. Hers had left her crying and in pain for days, and only the boy whose lap she was laying in had gotten her through it.

“Not a chance,” she said back. Her eyes fell to the ceiling above, where Sora had managed to use a rock to draw stars mimicking the night sky they only ever saw in the briefest of glimpses in an attempt to cheer up her sister. Their deaths still felt raw to her, but she knew it was worse for Zaren. It always was. He connected with people in a way she was simply no longer able to.

He followed her gaze, and she took the chance to look at him. There was so little left of him after all Karn had done, and she knew in her heart it wouldn’t survive past tomorrow. Their final trial. She didn’t know what that meant, but she had no illusions that she’d survive it. The end had come, and she was surprised to find she wasn’t nearly as relieved as she’d always assumed she’d be.

A part of her was glad it was soon to be over. The pain and the suffering. But for the most part, all she could think of was what Zaren would go through without her. Karn’s pet project. His greatest success. His favorite. The boy—no, she couldn’t call him that anymore. Not after everything they’d survived. The man she’d fallen in love with.

Suddenly and painfully, she knew in her heart that she needed to tell him. That if she didn’t do it right now, she’d never have another chance. “Zaren, I—”

“Don’t,” he said softly, his eyes still on the ceiling. His thumb dragged across the side of her head and her eyes damn near rolled back in her head. Why had she kept him from touching her there for so long again? She forced herself to focus back on him, and he was smiling down at her. It always scared her when she smiled. Like a glass sculpture about to shatter into fragments that would tear her to pieces.

“Remember?” he said, his voice ragged. “We’re allies. It’s all we can afford to be.” He dragged his thumb down the side again, this time all the way down until he could cup her chin. “Tell me when we’re out of here. When we’re free of these collars.”

She placed her hand over his, blinking back the tears that came. “I’ll find you, Zaren. Wherever we go after this life, I will. However long it takes.”

He just nodded, and she knew he didn’t trust himself to speak. He knew as well as she did what tomorrow would hold. That whatever sick, twisted tests Karn was running were coming to an end, and he was never one to tolerate loose ends. He looked at her like he was committing every part of her to memory. She knew because she was doing the same.

She didn’t know what she did to deserve such a short, miserable life. She didn’t know which god she should curse. What she could have done differently. All she knew was that soon it would be over, and sitting here with Zaren was the first time she felt like she wasn’t ready for it to end.

Her whole life she’d wanted to die. Now she was going to die as soon as she’d found a reason to live.

# # #

Allie’s eyes shot open. Her fingers twitched. Her hands itched. She felt exposed. Vulnerable. She looked around the room. It was just as it had been when she’d fallen asleep. Dark, only illuminated by the moonlight. Six bodies were still in the bed, and three of them were tangled around her. Normally that would have made her feel safe. Loved.

Not right now. Right now she felt like she was being smothered. Restrained. Vanni was curled into her chest, all four arms wrapped around her, which made it difficult to unravel herself from the Ashra. She’d only managed to successfully disentangle herself from two limbs before Vanni blinked awake. She withdrew in confusion, her brows drawn together in an unspoken question.

“Full bladder.” The lie rolled off Allie’s tongue like it was second nature.

But Vanni just nodded. She helped Allie free herself from Therese, then Allie managed to spring out of the bed without waking anyone else. Vanni watched her every move, especially when Allie didn’t head towards the lavatory. Instead, she made a beeline for her things, pulling out the blade Kat had given her. It was supposed to be magical, but she’d barely been listening when Kat explained why. Eliya had been at the wheel then, and she had little patience for magical items.

The second her hand wrapped around the hilt, the tension in her chest uncoiled. Mostly. She rose to her feet, then turned back to the bed with relief. Vanni’s eyes flicked down to the sword and her confusion grew, but Allie would explain in a minute. First she had to figure out how a sword was going to fit into the four-woman snugglefest she’d woken up in.

She’d just taken her first step when Vanni’s eyes fixed on something over her shoulder. They went wide and a look of terror stretched across her face. Reacting on pure instinct, Allie threw a [Winter’s Shield] to her left. The claws that would have sliced her to ribbons slammed into the shield, but even that wasn’t enough to keep the force of the blow from sending her flying. She kept hold of her weapon despite hitting the ground hard, and she’d shucked the sheathe by the time she’d found her feet.

“Ambush!” she barked, and four figures shot to their feet.

Nora and Kat dove for weapons while Rose and Therese fired skills. A beam of light slammed into the Ashai hanging from the roof, knocking it to the floor with a snarl. Rose threw up a wall of thorned vines just in time for a second Ashai to slam into it. Allie looked at the angle of its leap and yelled, “they’re after Vanni!”

Her party closed ranks like a true team. Nora took front while Kat grabbed Vanni, yanking her down behind the bed and standing over her with divine magic rolling off her in waves. Rose fell behind Kat, standing close enough to help, while Therese circled away from them to divide attention.

Allie should have fallen back to cover Therese, but these fucking monsters were after her Ashra. Her friend. They’d pay for that. She activated [Quicken] and arcs of lightning skipped across her skin. Then she used [Blood Blade], but her sword burst into flames rather than becoming coated in crimson.

Numbly, she realized she was Eliya again, but her feet were already carrying her towards the Ashai. Her flaming blade bit into the beast, but it was like trying to cut tough leather with a dull blade. She engaged it up close, trading blows and coming out better than the beast she fought. It limped back with a snarl while the others handled the second Ashai, but Allie had broken their formation.

The Ashai had managed to turn them during their brief exchange, and now it lunged towards where Therese was hurling crystalline beams. Nora lunged to intercept it, and the second Ashai chose that moment to launch at Kat, driving her away from where Vanni was trying to make herself as small as possible.

Then a blur shot past Allie. A winged Malek hurtled in through the open balcony straight at Vanni. It slammed into another wall thrown up by Rose, but a swipe of its tail sent the Dryad slamming into the wall. It lunged for Vanni, but Allie was back in control.

She fell back against the wall and activated [Step of Shadows], the new skill she’d acquired on the trip here. Her body melted into the shadow she was pressed against only to emerge between the Malek and Vanni. Another [Winter’s Shield] kept them from getting eviscerated, but already Eliya was trying to fight for control.

She lunged forward and attacked the Malek, but its barbed tail met every one of her strokes. Even boosted by [Quicken]—no, by [Conduit]—she wasn’t fast enough. She needed to use her Night’s Blade abilities, but Eliya couldn’t—she couldn’t—

Her confusion cost them all. The barbed tail sunk deep into her shoulder at the same time the Malek’s wings popped out and knocked Nora off balance, allowing her Ashai to get the drop on her. Therese shot the tail with enough force to get the Malek to retreat, but in doing so gave Kat’s Ashai the opening to land a deep blow.

Eliya was the beast killer, but Allie was the one who knew how to fight as part of a team. Eliya had reflexes, pain tolerance, and the aggressiveness needed to fight monsters, but it was only when Allie was in control that she could use her Night’s Blade skills. She had to choose between one or the other or she’d get her friends killed, but which was the right choice? Which would give them the best chance at protecting Vanni?

Out of habit, she tried casting [Bloodweaving]. Pain bloomed in her skull as she tried to cast a skill with which Allie and Eliya had no overlap. The Malek knocked her to the ground before she could recover, its claw raised to swipe. Vines wrapped around its leg, then the room was filled by a scream of pain. One of her companions.She staggered to her feet only to see Vanni diving at her. One set of arms wrapped around her lower back and the other her neck, then Vanni’s forehead was pressing to hers. That same wave ripped through her mind, but instead of dampening her emotions down to nothing Vanni was boosting them to the max.

Rage at the Beasts for hurting her friends. Terror at losing those she cared about. Guilt at the pain her condition was causing to those around her. Pride in how the small little family she’d made had adopted one another. Sorrow at the knowledge she’d never get to fulfill her promise to Zaren. Frustration that her bullshit was once again putting everyone in danger.

All of her jacked up emotions bounced off one another. Tangling. Eliya’s and Allie’s. Colliding. Shattering. Reforming. Something snapped, and then suddenly she could breathe.

Allie. Eliya. Both. Neither. There were still holes, but the jagged edges of Eliya fit snugly with the rips formed in Allie. Everything slowed down to a crawl, then sped back up. Allie cast [Sword of Night] and inky shadows began to drip from her blade. She rolled under the bed, casting [Step of Shadows] and lunging out of the shadow caused by the Malek’s tail. A single deep cut severed the appendage, then her next step brought her close enough to cut deep enough into the Malek’s wing to keep it from flying again.

It whirled, but she was already ducking underneath it. [Step of Shadows] was costly, so she only had one more cast. She used it to emerge from Kat’s shadow, then plunged her blade into the Ashai’s side. It howled, turning to snap, but she cast a [Winter’s Shield] on her arm and caught its jaws in the process.

It’s fangs bit into the ice of the shield, catching the head for long enough for Kat to dash in and cut deep into its throat. She hit something important enough to start fountaining blood and the Ashai’s jaws released. They exchanged a glance and Kat nodded once.

They both turned and sprinted, Kat for the Malek hammering at Rose’s shield and Allie at the Ashai Nora and Therese were both barely keeping at bay. She made it as far as the Ashai before she was forced to drop [Conduit], leaving her with only [Sword of Night] left in her arsenal.

She cut across both of the Ashai’s back legs, ducking under the retaliating swipe she knew was coming even before it sliced through the air above her. It’s upper arm sailed over her head and she lashed out with her blade, cutting deep into the shoulders of both its right arms. The lower arm went limp, then Nora was slamming her hammer into the Ashai’s left shoulder. Two crystals sailed past the Ashai, connected by a string of light that wrapped around its jaw and held it shut.

Nora leapt on its back, grabbing the string on either side of the Ashai’s maw and yanking backwards. It reeled, trying to dislodge her as best it could, but Allie lunged forward to cut at its exposed throat. Her shadow-wrapped blade cut so deep she felt spine and she was bathed in a torrent of thick, boiling hot blood.She spun, ready to help Kat with the Malek, only to see she was already finishing it off. It thrashed against the thorny vines Rose had conjured, but Kat was still able to dispatch it with ease. They all stood, waiting for something else to happen, breathing hard and dripping with blood.

Finally, Therese took a hesitant step towards Allie. “Allie? Or Eliya?”

Allie looked at her. She was Therese, but she was also Gwen. How? Why? She didn’t know. She didn’t care. She was both the elegant mage that Allie was crushing on and the fellow experiment Karn had forced her to kill. Fuck the hows and whys, she didn’t have time for that. Then she looked to Nora. Nora, the muscled up warrior she’d been slowly and steadily falling in love with as well as Maeve, the strongest of their trial, only dead because she’d managed to hide an infection from Karn until it was too late. Both. Neither. Fuck it. She’d have them all.

She grinned, no doubt she was quite the sight covered in Malek blood. “Both, but we’ll go with Allie for now. Simpler that way.”

Nora stepped towards her next, her arm outstretched, but then lantern-bearing guards burst into the room with Lord Balseron in tow. “What is the meaning of this? I let you into my home, and you—” He cut off with a high pitched scream that made Allie wince as he took in the Eldritch Beasts in his home.

The guards’ weapons were raised, but they looked at the giant monsters uncertainly. Kat took a step forward with a grimace on her face, no doubt about to apologize or some shit, but Allie was done. Vanni had saved her, and godsdammit she was going to return the favor.

“These monsters are called Eldritch Beasts, Lord Balseron,” she said, sauntering forward. Balseron’s wide eyes fixed on her, and he paled in terror. Coated from head to toe in blood wearing smallclothes shredded by the claws of the Beasts she’d killed with a sword that was still slowly dripping shadows, she was sure she was quite the sight.

“They obey a man named Kevran Arthal, if you’ve heard of him.” She knew he had, and from the way his face paled he remembered exactly the man Allie referred to. “He wants Vanni, and he doesn’t care to change your mind about selling her. No doubt he’ll keep sending these beasts until they’ve acquired her.”

She held up her blade, then let out a dramatic sigh. “We were sent to get her away from you before anything like this happened, but I’m afraid we can’t stay for any longer than we already have. Since you’re so adamant about keeping her, you might want to hire more guards. Maybe some adventurers.” Then she shrugged.

“Though it wouldn’t be hard for him to come for you directly, I guess. Then it’d be easy for him to take her.”

This time both the guards paled as well, and Balseron was visibly turning a shade of green. “W-wait, I never said I was done negotiating!”

Allie cocked her head. “Oh? In that case…” She walked over to one of the Ashai and shoved her hand under its upper jaw, then lifted its head up with a grunt. It’s eyes were rolled back in its head and its tongue was lolling out. Another wave of blood gushed from the gaping slit at its throat. “These corpses would sell for a lot of money. Of course, I’m sure if you mounted their heads in your entry hall you’d be the talk of the province for sure. They’re our kills, but I’d gladly add them to our side of the deal, both in exchange for Vanni and as a thanks for all the hospitality you’ve shown us.”

With his fear and his greed both on the same side, he didn’t stand a chance. “I think that’s perfectly acceptable! In addition to the artifacts you’ve already offered, I assume?”

Allie cut a glance at Kat, who nodded with the air of someone who was excited to finally be done with the man. “That’s acceptable.” She switched her blade from hand to hand, then held her arm out to shake.Balseron took it with a wince, shook it once, then immediately pulled out a handkerchief to wipe away the blood. “Wonderful, wonderful! I’ll have a scribe draw up the paperwork and we can have you on your way by the time breakfast is finished. Until then, I’ll wake some of the servants to draw you all some baths.”

He waved a hand, signaling one of the guards to do as he commanded. The guards both ducked out, and Balseron followed after one last drooling look at the Ashai at Allie’s feet. The door had barely closed behind him when Allie sagged, only stopped from falling by a set of strong, muscular arms wrapping around her. She’d lost a lot of blood from the blow the Malek had landed. The room swam for a second, then warmth bloomed from the injury.

She shook her head, leaning heavily on Nora, to find everyone looking at her with expressions ranging from shock to—in Kat’s instance—a wide grin. “Shit, girlie, that was fucking awesome! Did you pull that crap about Arthal out of your ass?”

Allie grinned. “Maybe.” Then she sought out Vanni. She was standing there, staring at the door with wide eyes and her mouth hanging open. Pushing herself to her feet, Allie slowly approached her. “Vanni?” she asked, putting her hand on the Ashra’s shoulder. “I know you didn’t think it was possible, but do you want to come with us?”

Vanni tore her eyes from the door to look at Allie, lost for words. She tried unsuccessfully to say something, then the tears started trailing down her cheeks a second before she threw all four arms around Allie, hugging her tightly.

Allie hugged her right back. “Damn, Ashra hugs are something else.”

Slender fingers sank into her bloody hair, caressing flesh that wasn’t scarred in the slightest. “Allie?” Therese asked.

“I’m me,” Allie promised.

“Me, Allie, or me, Eliya?” Nora asked, putting her hands on Allie’s shoulders.

Allie’s arms just tightened around Vanni, elation in her heart. Instinctively, she just knew there would be no more episodes. No more fighting for control. There were still some gaps in Eliya’s memories, but Allie hardly remembered every minute of her own life. There was no line between them. Not anymore. She was both of them, completely and utterly, and that was amazing.

“Me,” she said, and Nora’s arms wrapped around them both. “I’m just me.”