Chapter Fifty-Six: Riverside Chat

The rest of the day I felt like I was watching myself from afar. Like the events of the day were happening to someone else, and I was just an outside observer. Things were happening, just not to me. One moment, the world was falling out from underneath me. The next I was killing more gnolls with axe and shadow.

I remember cutting through them without mercy. People called my name at one point. I think Serena tried to heal me, but she hadn’t managed. Not after Noelle saw the collar still clutched in my hand and I felt more fear in her than ever before. The kind of fear that told me that she was all too familiar with this exact type of collar.

That had broken me a second time.

I’d understood her situation had been similar to mine, but knowing that she’d worn a collar like mine—not just in function, but in form—had well and truly sent me over the edge. I remember hurtling through the trees with shadows dancing at the edges of my vision. I remember hunting down each and every gnoll that tried to flee, too.

I couldn’t tell you why, exactly. A part of me wanted answers, but the gnolls left were too feral for speech and had none for me. Maybe I just needed an outlet for the rage in me that was rapidly spiraling out of control.

Either way, my roundabout journey back to camp was punctuated by hunting the last of the gnolls like the animals they were and putting them all out of our misery before they could hurt anyone else. A dark part of me that I found terrifying took immense satisfaction at using their fear and truly living up to the name of my skill, [Predator’s Pursuit].

Eventually, with the sun far too low in the sky, we were back at camp. There was a very tearful reunion between Anri and Kili, the other captives were given food, water, and clothes. Serena berated (not very effectively) Nariko for sneaking off and putting herself in danger.

I couldn’t be a part of it. I prowled the woods praying for something nasty to jump out at me so I could have something worth killing to have an outlet for all the shit going on in my head, but there was no such luck. A meal was eaten, though I didn’t partake.

The first time I felt like I was finally coming back to myself was after the sun had set. One moment I was fighting. Killing. Raging. Running from myself. The next I was sitting just at the edge of the firelight, staring into the flames as if they might hold the answers I so desperately needed right now.

For hours I could barely hear anything past the heartbeat raging in my ears, but it finally started to give way to the distant conversations of the camp. My breathing was uneven and I was hunched on a folding stool a good distance from everyone. I couldn’t tear my gaze from the flames. Not until I felt a hand on mine.

“Zaren?” Tiana asked tentatively.

I forced myself to find her beautiful eyes. Her brow was creased with worry, and she spoke softly as if afraid of spooking me. I knew what questions must hide behind that look, but I couldn’t handle them yet. “How are they?” I asked, my voice hoarse and my throat painfully dry.

“They’re all fine,” Serena said from my other side. I hadn’t even realized she was there. I found her in the dim light as well, though it took far too long to do so. “Why don’t you let us help you, Zaren?”

“I’m fine,” I insisted weakly. Neither argued, but it was clear they didn’t agree in the slightest.

“Then let go, Zaren.” The command in Tiana’s voice was clear, but I didn’t understand what she meant. Not until her hands traveled down my arm to my fingers which were still wrapped around something that bit into my palm. It wasn’t until that moment that I realized the dozens of dull pains that throbbed all over my body.

I looked down at the collar, still clutched in my hand. Blood dripped down it, too fresh to be from the gnoll or two I very vaguely remembered using the collar as a bludgeon against. Turns out it was made of sterner stuff than gnoll skull.

Tiana flipped my hand over and I didn’t fight her as she pried my fingers off the collar one by one. It fell to the ground and I realized where the blood was coming from. I was clutching the collar so tightly that it had cut deep into my hand, leaving a long, crimson line going all the way across it.

The blood ran through my fingers. Mine and hers. The pain from the cut on my palm was nothing compared to the lifeless body in my arms. Compared to—

Bile surged in my throat and I jammed my eyes shut to keep from vomiting as a memory that I would not entertain surged in the back of my mind.

“Zaren?” Tiana asked, fear in her voice.

When I opened them again, only barely in control of my emotions, both women had gone stock still, their eyes wide in fear. I followed their gazes over my shoulder to see shadows whipping about angrily, cutting deep gouges into the ground behind and around me. Cuts in the dirt ringed the area, telling me that this wasn’t a recent development.

Very suddenly I understood why the rest of the caravan was giving me a wide berth. I also realized that the whole rest of the Caravan was sitting about as far from me as possible. I frowned and wrestled my emotions into submission. Hadn’t I learned a long time ago that I wasn’t someone who was allowed to have meltdowns?

I finally managed to achieve a (very relative) calm and the shadows stopped raging so violently. I dismissed them with a thought, but they pushed back. Refused to dissipate. My calm slipped back to rage again. Goddamn motherfucking shadows!

I closed my eyes again when the furious thought ripped through me. I was out of control. Completely. This was probably the reason they’d waited so long to try and break me out of my shit. I collected all the emotions bouncing around in my chest and bundled them all up, shoved them in a jar, and buried it as deep as it would go. It was a very temporary patch, but it was enough to allow me to dismiss the rebellious shadows and no longer be a danger to those in my immediate vicinity.

Gods, I hadn’t been this out of control since right after escaping Karn. I hadn’t had so little control of my shadows since I’d destroyed the collar that had kept me enslaved to him. But that train of thought came dangerously close to unearthing that jar of raw emotion that I couldn’t afford to deal with right now, so I buried that shit too.

“Sorry,” I rasped finally.

I felt a hand on my cheek, but left my eyes closed. “No sorries, remember?” Serena said softly. Her other hand went to the cut and healed it. I fought the knee-jerk reaction to rip the hand away and let her do it. That was an issue I could deal with on a later date. Preferably in another thirty years or so.

“What happened, Zaren?” Tiana asked.

I shook my head. Not yet. Not here.

“Okay,” Tiana promised, her hand going to my hair. She picked out gods knew what and tossed it to the ground. “Okay, Zaren. Reese found a stream so everyone could get cleaned up. Why don’t we go get some of that blood off you? Get you into some clean clothes?”

I looked down at my self and grimaced. I was covered from head to toe in gnoll gore, and my clothes were—surprise surprise—shredded. You need to get some fucking armor you moron. I shook off the thought. “Can one of you bring me Cynthia?”

They pursed their lips. “I’ll be back,” Tiana said finally. “I’ll get the others, too.”

Serena’s magic continued to course through me, healing wounds I didn’t remember sustaining. “We left Rhallani and Noelle with the freed captives. We figured they might feel a little safer around other demi-humans until they’ve gotten some much needed rest.”

“Good thinking. Injuries?”

“Scrapes and bruises, but your plan went off without a hitch.” Until I’d lost my shit, she meant.

She knelt at my side until I heard approaching footsteps. “You needed me, sir?” Cynthia asked, all business.

“Get with Vaze. You have a full inventory of our gear between our wagon and my storage, as well. Get with the women we rescued and make a list of anything and everything they need. If you’ve got it on the wagon, give it to them. If you need it from me, write it down and give it to me after I’ve cleaned up. Have Korey or Pierce expressed any interest in being responsible for them?”

“No, sir. I discussed it with them, and between your resources and rank we agreed that they would be best served to be in your care until we reach the capital.”

Fuck, at this rate I’d need to give her a raise sooner than later. “I agree. See to it that they get anything they need, and if you have to get it from Vaze feel free to compensate her for it.”

“Of course,” she said in a tone that suggested she’d already planned on it. That brought a half-smile out of me.

Once again, we were on the same page. I dismissed her and she headed towards where the newest additions to our caravan were probably congregating. Normally I’d have liked to have a more direct hand in helping, but in my current state it was best I had little to no interaction with people who were likely traumatized by forced captivity. Not until I had my head screwed on a little better.

I took a breath and stood. “So, river?”

Some of the tension eased from Serena’s shoulders. She grabbed my hand and led me around the edge of the camp, meeting up with Tiana, Rhallani, and Noelle while we crossed over the road and into the forest. Noelle immediately grabbed my hand with slightly trembling fingers and Rhallani slid an arm around my waist.

“Sorry for worrying all of you,” I mumbled.

Serena shot me an exasperated look, but didn’t comment. Nobody said anything until we’d gotten to the river and they all helped peel the clothes off me. Once they’d stripped down and Serena had helped remove the gnoll fang embedded in my shoulder, I waded into the icy water.

“That’s hardly fair,” Tiana noted, stripping down as well. “He didn’t even flinch from the cold.”

I shot a smirk I didn’t feel at her. “I went from a captive that didn’t get baths that weren’t from a bucket to a soldier in a war.” I dunked myself into the water, letting the temperature shock me further out of my fugue state. “I’ve probably bathed in more rivers than bathtubs in my life.”

She shot a look at Rhallani, who waved her off. “Giant bathing pool is already on the agenda, sister. It’s my second priority after a giant fucking bed.”

Noelle dropped into the water as well, wading towards me. “Giant fucking bed or giant fucking bed?” she asked.

Rhallani snorted and Tiana giggled. I ruffled the hair of my far-too-proud-looking Malachai fondly. “Are you alright?” I asked her.

She looked away before stepping close enough to wrap her arms around me and rest her head on my chest.

“No. I can still feel the weight of my own collar sometimes, especially when I wake. That it’s still out there somewhere haunts my dreams.”

“I know the feeling,” I promised, trailing my fingers down her spine.

“It was the collar, then?” Serena asked, slipping behind me and rubbing some washing powder into my shoulders.

I didn’t answer until after Noelle stepped aside to give Tiana access to my front. “I can wash myself, you know,” I said, but both of them shot me looks that said I would do no such thing. Tiana went high and Noelle low while Rhallani sat on a rock still clothed.

She saw me looking and smiled. “I love you Zaren, but I’m still shivering from earlier. I rarely get cold, which means I hate getting cold.”

I nodded, letting the girls wash and scrape the blood and guts from me. Finally, after I felt like speaking wouldn’t shatter me, I said, “yes, it was the collar. I thought I’d dealt with that particular issue years ago, but…”

“But,” Tiana supplied, “rather than actually dealing with it, you just shoved it down until it couldn’t hurt you, and now that it’s been dragged up from the depths you’re struggling with it?”

I raised a brow. “Speaking from experience?”

She just shrugged. “One day I’m going to have to come to terms with everything I’ve done to get by, but I figure that’s a breakdown best had when I’ve got four walls, a roof, and a bed of my own.”

I tilted her chin up. “When that time comes, I hope you don’t face it alone.”

She met my gaze with a challenge in her eyes. “Same goes to you.”

The corners of my mouth twitched upwards. I released her and looked back towards Serena. “The collar made me slip again. Back into the much more feral Zaren who’d only just escaped Karn’s clutches.”

“It reminded you of the one you wore?” Serena guessed.

“Yeah.” I saw Rhallani’s fingers go to her own black leather collar and sighed. “It wasn’t just that. The collar…” I ran my hands through Noelle’s hair again and she leaned into my touch. “Noelle, how similar was that collar to the one you wore?”

Serena and Tiana both tensed, but Noelle made no sign that she’d even heard me until she said, “it is exactly the same.”

The worst possible answer, yet the only one I expected. “It wasn’t just the collar,” I explained, “but the magic, too. Whoever made that collar made the one I wore for nearly half my life. I’m guessing it set off your skill?” I asked Rhallani.

She refused to meet my eye. “Painfully.”

I swallowed, keeping everything I’d buried under wraps. “This collar was made with the same techniques as the one that I wore. That the people I cared about wore. Noelle, did the others you mentioned to me once wear them?”

“Yes,” she whispered. “There are at least twenty of the collars. Probably more.”

“The same collars from your past?” Tiana suggested.

I shook my head. “Not possible. I destroyed them all, and I killed the man who made them. And holding that collar…it felt a little too close to the one I wore to just be someone using the same technique. He must have…had a protege or a student or something. Someone he passed the art on to.”

“You can destroy them?” Noelle asked, hope in her voice.

“The sword I used on the Valax queen can. It’s how I freed myself in the first place.” I let out a breath. “I’m starting to understand more and more why Allura chose me.”

Rhallani pulled her book out. “Care to elaborate?”

“You bring the others up to speed on our talk with the new goddess?” I asked her and Serena.Serena made a noise of affirmative, moving onto my hair. “I did.”

Good. We needed to discuss some things. “Fortuna didn’t bother telling me to look into the enemy because she knew as soon as I found that collar I wouldn’t rest until I found its creator and put them in the fucking ground.”

“She didn’t lead us to the collar, though. She led us to Nari,” Serena argued.

“She led us to Nariko, which led us to the gnoll, which led us to the chieftain.” I shook my head. “I can’t be completely certain, but I think I understand what she was trying to tell me.” Rhallani’s pencil was flying over the page again, which brought a smile to my face. “She could have helped us to the gnoll camp directly, but that would have cost too much or upset the balance.”

Rhallani gasped. “She killed like, six birds with one stone! She told us to save Nariko, who was about to be the newest victim of the Neko-baiting. Her blood must have drawn the gnolls, which meant you could follow one back, but she was also held captive in the camp where the people who are hunting you are. If we can get her to open up to one of us, then we could get all kinds of information. Not only that, but the gnoll camp is definitely luring you down a rabbit hole that will lead Fortuna to the answers she apparently wants. And all that is stuff she definitely wants us to notice.”

“That’s another thing we need to discuss sooner than later,” I said grimly. I looked at Serena over my shoulder. “You might not like the next part of this conversation.”

She pursed her lips, but nodded. “Rinse first so we can get out of this damnable water.”

I smirked, but did as she asked. Once we were back in the grass, drying off with towels I conjured, I continued. “Allura lied to me, but I was so caught up in what she was offering that I didn’t catch it.”Serena’s hands stilled. “What?”

I fought the urge to growl, looking at Rhallani. My instinct was to rage about how untrustworthy the gods are, but I had to admit that there was a possibility that she had good reason to lie the way she did. “I asked Allura why the gods never did anything to stop Karn. Her story at the time was that the gods refused to go anywhere near me because of my class. That the gods that would have helped me always ended up on the opposite side of the fight as those that held the Shadowborn class before me.”

Rhallani frowned. “You were taken by Karn years before your class came about, though.”

Leave it to my little Scholar to immediately catch what I should have thirty years ago. “Not quite the same as Fortuna’s explanation, is it?”

Serena finished drying, but didn’t get dressed yet. Her look was pensive while she made her way behind me again and pressed into my back. Her hands wrapped around me, her palms sending warmth into my abdomen. “You aren’t going to get upset if I try and defend her, are you?”

I raised a brow, putting my hand over one of hers. “If you’ve got an idea for an explanation, I’d love to hear it.”

She tightened her grip on me. “Thirty years ago, raw from the war, alone, and ready to—” she stumbled over the words, “—ready to take your own life, if she’d have said they didn’t help you because they couldn’t see you, would you have believed her?”

“No, probably not,” I conceded.

Her hands trailed up to my chest, one settling right over my heartbeat. She pressed her forehead to the nape of my neck and whispered, “then I’m glad she lied, because otherwise I’d have never met you.”

Tiana approached from the front and wrapped her arms around my neck, pulling me down enough that our lips met. “She told you what you needed to hear. That the gods are shit and they abandoned you, but she was willing to help you now. She needed to get a foot in the door,” Tiana said.

My hand trailed down her back, coming to a stop at her ass. All three of us were still very naked, and a part of me was desperately looking for a distraction. “How dare you use logic to make her actions seem reasonable,” I said, my tone making it clear I wasn’t serious.

She looked at me with wide, overly innocent eyes. “I’m sorry. You can punish me if you’d like.”

Rhallani’s head shot up. “Wait, I didn’t realize fucking was on the table!”

Serena’s hand slid down between Tiana’s body and mine, wrapping around my rapidly hardening base. She leaned so close I could feel her breath on my ear. “You can punish me, too. I’ll happily help you work out any anger you feel towards my goddess. It’s the least I can do as your priestess.”

My cock jerked in her hand and she must have taken that as a sign. She lifted it, pressing my shaft into Tiana’s folds. She was already wet, and I growled when she rocked her hips enough to drag their heat along my length. “I think,” she breathed, “between the four of us, we can find a healthy outlet for all that pent up aggression.”

I sunk my fingers into the flesh of her ass and her breath hitched. “I’m not sure I’ve got it in me to be very gentle right now.”

Heat flashed in her eyes. “Good.”

Already the haze of lust was clouding my mind, but if things were about to get rough there was something I needed to do first. I sought out Noelle, trailing my fingers along her jaw and turning her face towards me. “This isn’t something you need to take part in if you don’t want to.” She was still recovering from her past, and this was the kind of thing that could do more harm than good.

Her brows furrowed, then she nodded. “Okay. I will watch tonight, and decide if I want to try.”

Leaning down to press my lips to hers while keeping contact between my hardness and Tiana’s heat was a feat, but I managed it. After Noelle took a second to taste me, she backed away. I returned my attention to the busty mage who was quite literally asking for it and fisted a handful of her hair, pulling her head back.

She moaned, very clearly appreciative of the tug, and I kissed my way up her throat and the lower side of her jaw. Behind her I saw Rhallani swoop in and make a quick bed of towels, very suddenly devoid of clothes, and I pushed Tiana back onto it. She squeaked, then looked down in surprise when her rear hit cloth and not grass.

By the time she returned her attention to me I was already on her. I knew exactly how ready she was, so I claimed her with a single thrust that made her back arch and her head fall back. I pulled all the way out and slammed back in and she cried out in pleasure, then one of her long, slender legs wrapped around my waist.

“Yes Zaren!” she cried when I started hammering my hips into hers. I slammed one hand into the ground next to her head and used the other to angle her hips so I had a better angle. She writhed underneath me, biting back a cry when I took her breast in my mouth and bit down on the nipple. I felt her clenching around me already. Her fingernails dug into my back while her other hand tangled in my hair, holding me to her breast.

She tried to rock her hips to meet mine, but I lifted her even higher so that she had no leverage and kept my rapid pace. I leaned up, pulling my upper body away from hers, and grabbed her hips tight enough that I figured I’d leave some bruises, pulling her with me until only her shoulders and head were on the ground. Her legs wrapped around my waist and her eyes rolled back into her head.

I fucked her through a second climax and her cries reached a higher pitch. Her hands fisted the towels beneath her, but I couldn’t take my eyes from her breasts. They bounced violently from the force of each thrust, and only my iron grip on her waist kept me from mauling them.

She screamed my name and came a third time, though from how hard she clenched while I kept slamming away I was fairly certain she’d had another orgasm somewhere in the mix. Her cries died away into a silent scream while her body trembled underneath me, and hands wove under my arms from behind and trailed up my chest. “If you’re finished warming up,” Serena said tauntingly, “I’m ready for my punishment now.”

I slowed my pace, still not feeling overly close, but I couldn’t take my eyes from Tiana’s heaving chest. Not until another object entered my line of sight. A canister of the same lube I’d used with Rhallani. I tore my gaze away to look at her. “Serena,” I warned.

She went straight for my neck, kissing and biting her way from my collarbone to my jaw. “You got me curious,” she admitted, “and I’m all prepared now thanks to Rhallani. I’m surprised you didn’t hear us, but you were rather…” she reached around me and rubbed Tiana’s clit, drawing a moan from the mage still impaled on my cock, “…distracted.”

I let Tiana slide off me and set her down gently where she lay in a stupor with a wide smile on her face. Then I yanked Serena to my chest and kissed her forcefully. She broke away, her hands trailing down to my shaft. “Fuck my ass, Zaren. Let me have all your anger. All your hatred of the gods. I’ll take it all, and I’ll love every second of it. I swear it.”

I flipped her around to face away from me and tugged her arms behind her back, conjuring a shadow to keep them tied there. Her eyes went wide, but there was only excitement and anticipation in them. “I’m not sure you can handle all of my hate and anger,” I admitted. I had more than enough to go around some days.

She bit her lip, taunting me with those endless emerald eyes of hers. “I guess we won’t know until we try.”I pushed her forward, guiding her enough that she didn’t just fall on her face, and lined up. She took a heaving breath when I pressed my tip to her bud, spreading her toned cheeks with my other hand, but she relaxed almost as quickly. I could see one of her eyes from where her face was pressed into the towels, and it looked up at me with a promise and a challenge.

I thought about taking her in one single thrust, but that felt too far. I pushed into her ass and she groaned, then cried out when my head slipped past the rim. Her eyes jammed shut while I claimed inch after inch of her ass, the healthy amount of lube assisting the process but by no means making it easy. Halfway she let out a low keen, but I kept pushing. By the time my hips met her ass, her breaths came in short gasps.

“I didn’t think—It’s so—there’s so much,” she gasped.

I grabbed her arms and yanked her up until her back was pressed to my chest and she moaned as I shifted inside her. “Still want to be Allura’s scapegoat?” I asked, my voice husky.

Her eyes found mine. “Yes.”

I pulled my hips back and she whimpered, then she screamed my name when I slammed them back forward. I started with long, powerful thrusts, giving her a second to catch her breath with each thrust. Then I started giving her a little less time to recover between every thrust forward. By the time I was fucking her ass in full, her head had fallen forward and her face was hidden by a curtain of still-wet golden locks. She wailed through clenched teeth, but her hips kept pushing back to meet mine.

Our pace stuttered long enough for me to shift one hand to her breasts, pinching and rolling a nipple, while the other went between her thighs. I plunged two fingers into her folds and her head shot back, resting on my shoulder. “Fuck!” she cried, clamping down on my fingers like a vice.

The slapping of flesh and her cries echoed around the forest, and I was suddenly very glad we’d walked a good distance to the river. I dropped my lips to her shoulder, trailing kisses and bites along it until I was suckling on her neck. Wordless cries of pleasure gushed from her and she clamped down on both my cock and my fingers a second time.

Breasts pushed into my back and I knew Tiana had recovered. Her arms snaked around me and turned Serena’s chin towards me so I could capture her lips in a kiss. Her lips parted eagerly and I wasted no time in sending my tongue past them. Hers accepted mine eagerly, and I felt her hands between us clenching at my stomach while another orgasm rolled through her.

Tiana’s lips found a sensitive spot behind my ear and between her and Serena clenching around me even tighter than before I let myself be pushed over the edge. I gave Serena a few final pumps before seating myself as deep in her as I could and unleashing my load. She moaned into my mouth, her entire body clenching, then went limp in my arms.

I slid free of her ass and released her bonds. She turned into my chest without letting our lips part while Tiana kept peppering my back with kisses. I finally pulled away, looking for any sign that I’d gone too hard, but Serena just smiled up at me blissfully. “I’m thinking I might not mind Allura pissing you off again,” she said.

Tiana chuckled behind me. “I can’t help but agree, though it might be tough to get away with relieving our man’s anger in camp.” Her hands trailed over my chest. “Fuck, I can’t believe we’ve managed to claim a guy who can do sweet and gentle as well as he can do hard and fast.”

Serena kissed the corner of my lips. “He’s one of a kind, that’s for sure.”

I looked to where Rhallani sat with Noelle. “I might need a minute to recover from that one.”Noelle looked thoughtful, but Rhallani just smiled. “Let’s get back to camp before they send a search party. Festus has been keeping an eye out the whole time, but I’d still feel better in our tent.”

I inclined my head. Even with the gnolls taken care of, she had a point. Me, Serena, and Tiana all untangled ourselves, and I checked my storage with a grimace. “Fuck, at this rate I’m going to run out of pants that haven’t been fucked up by monsters.”

Rhallani grinned at me. “Feel free to go without, big guy. I definitely won’t complain.”

I thumped her head with a smile and we all headed back towards camp. I was still eight kinds of fucked up inside, but I felt lighter than I had in a few days.