Chapter Nineteen: The Paladin of Tydarr

While the others were getting the horses hitched, we took a moment to try out my new skill. The moment I’d cast [Armor of Shadows] on Serena, I knew I’d been right. The skill had somehow been influenced by the sword. The shadows that wrapped around her had the consistency of metal with soft cotton underneath them, but they were lighter than leather. They took the shape of greaves that went up to her knees, a plated skirt that made it about halfway down her thighs over something that could really only be described as armored panties, a wrap of shadows under her breasts that connected to plates that both covered and accentuated her bust, pauldrons on either shoulder, and bracers that covered her forearms and the backs of her hands but left her fingers bare. The cherry on top was the strip of black around her throat.

The red accents were what gave it away. Faint crimson trim where the shadow plate met the night-black fabric. The faintly glowing red gems in the center of each different part of the armor. One in the middle of her chest, one on each shoulder, each bracer, each greave, and even one on either side of the plated skirt. If you lifted the skirt (which Rhallani did, obviously) then you would see another gem just above where her neatly trimmed patch of hair rested. The brightest of the gems was set in the black around her neck, and that was the point where I could feel my magic connect to the armor.

“I can’t go out like this!” she protested immediately. “And how could this possibly constitute as armor?!”

“Well, let’s see.” I summoned a dagger and took her hand. Gently, so that even if I hurt her it would be little more than a nick, I stabbed the dagger towards the exposed flesh of her arm. Just before I made contact, it hit some invisible barrier that sparked crimson. It wasn’t impenetrable. I felt that if I pushed hard enough it would give, but it would slow the strike down and reduce the damage taken.

“I think you’ll be fine,” then I ran an eye up and down her body. The armor looked fucking amazing on her.  “Well, practically speaking. Personally, I can’t get enough of you in it, but if you want to wear a cloak I wouldn’t blame you.”

Blushing furiously, she threw a cloak over her shoulders. “And you called Rhallani the pervert.”

“Hey!” I protested. “Just because it’s my skill doesn’t mean I have any control over how it manifests.”

Although, considering how much I liked looking at her in the armor, I had to at least consider it took personal taste into account. I didn’t want to dwell on what that said about me.

“Whatever,” she grumbled. “Let’s just get moving.”

She cheered up considerably when I gave her a quick kiss, which naturally meant I had to give Rhallani one as well. Then, after a insistent hum from Scarlet, I placed one on the top of her head, too. Already my odd little family was growing demanding. It was a nice problem to have.

Rhallani and I finished packing up the tent while Serena made straight for Rastra to heal what remained of her wounds. They’d been serious enough to hamper the standard regeneration, but Serena’s new magic sped the process up by a matter of days if not weeks. After everyone congratulated (with some confusion, considering the nature of the class) Serena on her milestone, they finished hooking up the horses and we were off.

This close to town we started to see more signs of travelers. I hoped that meant we’d see no more dead Nekomatas, but it was hard not to feel like some poor soul was lying dead just behind every hill and tree. At around noon we encountered some shady fellows asking us to pay a toll, but one look at the nearly-seven-foot-tall golem and they decided they had somewhere better to be. This time of year, there weren’t many braving the roads, so it was mid-afternoon before we came across our second encounter. I knew immediately this one would be much more eventful.

It would also be a major pain in my ass.

The woman sitting by the road sharpening her sword was armed to the teeth. Two swords at her back, an empty scabbard at her hip, and I counted at least three different daggers strapped to her even from this distance. Her armor was ornate, but had clearly seen a number of battles. She had short cropped black hair and dark eyes that scowled at our group when we crested the hill.

She made no move to hide, so those at the front immediately spread the warning. Al and Sola slunk away to try and flush out any hidden attackers while Serena, Yen, Pierce and I took up spots in the front. When we drew close, the woman stood. She’d be taller than Serena up close, though a little shorter than me. Just from the way she moved I could tell that this woman was dangerous. Like a stalking predator moving towards prey.

“We need to talk,” she called.

“Whatever it is,” Pierce called back, “then it can wait until after—”

“Not you, old man,” she barked. Then she raised her still-drawn sword and pointed it straight at me. “You.”

I took one look at her and knew exactly what she was, and I was not in the fucking mood. “No thanks, I think I’ll pass.”

Her face twisted. “Pass? Pass? I come all this fucking way, and you’re just going to pass?” She snorted. “Quit being an ass and let’s—”

“I said no thanks.” Old anger started to build, but I choked it down. If the magic I felt coming from her wasn’t enough to tell me what she was, her attitude would be. She was just like the rest of them.

Her face darkened and she strode forward, ignoring how everyone but me suddenly had their weapons drawn. “You don’t get to just say ‘no thanks’ and ignore me. We’re going to have a chat, and then—”

“No.” Her face started to turn purple. Her shoulders tilted forward and I could see violence in her stance, but she held herself back. Like a tiger on a leash. I couldn’t stop myself from asking, “tell me, whose bitch are you anyways?”

A little antagonistic, maybe, but I’d care about that later. Maybe. I took too much pleasure in seeing how badly she wanted to take a swing at me, but the fact that she hadn’t yet meant she probably wouldn’t. And if she did? Well, that would be okay too.

The others watched with wide eyes while the woman took several deep breaths. “I’m Kat, Chosen of Tydarr, and you will—”

I barked out a laugh even as the others sucked in their breaths. “Tydarr? In that case I’ll need to change my answer to fuck no. Go tell the god of war that he can go fuck himself. I’ve seen enough of his domain to last several lifetimes.”

She got right up in my face, but I didn’t so much as flinch. “Watch your fucking mouth. You’re lucky he’s also the god of valor and honor, or I’d put your ass in the dirt.”

“But you won’t, because your god is one of the ‘good guys.’ At least, he pretends he is.”

Damn, I didn’t think I’d get to see a vein burst today, but here we were. Her jaw clenched so tightly I was impressed by the integrity of her teeth. Then she glanced around the group of awestruck observers. I didn’t take my eyes off her, not even when she flicked her hand and there was a flash of radiant gold. “There, your little pet Seraphim will grow her wings back in weeks instead of years. I wasted a miracle on your shit, so will you kindly listen to what the fuck I have to say?”

I risked a glance at Scarlet, who was touching her back with a look of wonder on her face. I turned my gaze back to Kat. “Fine, I’ll hear you out. But you call any of my friends ‘pet’ again and we’re going to have a problem.” I pushed past her and started towards the trees.

“Where the fuck do you think you’re going?” she demanded.

“To talk. The caravan can move on without me. Serena, you come too.” I didn’t think I had to worry about Kat attacking me, but I wasn’t going to take the risk. Plus, I wanted Serena there to ground me. I didn’t have the best track record with Chosen. I looked back at Kat. “Coming?”

Kat let out a string of choice expletives that made even Pierce wince, then stormed after me. He shot me a questioning look, but I just shook my head. I could handle a Chosen. Looking relieved, Serena fell into step behind me, the spear I’d given her clutched in her hand.

“Gotta say, you aren’t what I expected from the Chosen of the sex goddess. I figured you’d look more, well, like her.” She pointed towards Serena.

I didn’t acknowledge the jab with a response. “Why don’t we skip to whatever it is you want from me.”

She sneered. “Well fuck you too, then. I want to be here even less than you do.”

“I can assure you that’s an impossibility.”

“I’m here to bring you to the rest of the Chosen. We’re gathering in Caywick.”

I grimaced, and not just because she was trying to get me to the capital of the neighboring nation, Larisea. Then the rest of her words processed. “Wait, just how many strong are you?”

“Not counting you? We’ve got four.”

Fuck. Even the conflict against Grimsbane had only involved three Chosen on either side, and it had nearly destroyed the entire continent. “Then it sounds like you hardly need me.”

“Don’t be a dipshit. Four of us means four enemy chosen, and we aren’t even sure its just us four. Well, five, now that I’ve finally tracked your ass down.”

I shook my head. “I won’t count. I’m outside the conflict.”

“Bullshit. You reek of Allura.”

“Because I made a deal with her, not because I’m a Chosen.”

She screwed up her face. “What the fuck kind of deal do you make with a sex goddess? She give you a magic cock or something?”

It was a good thing I was so angry, otherwise I might have reacted to her accidentally correct guess. “Not a sex goddess, and it’s none of your business what I’m up to. It doesn’t involve your conflict, so kindly fuck off.”

Her eyes darkened. “Oh, get over yourself. If you’re right, then you’d tip the scales in our favor.”

“Or I could muck the whole thing up by getting involved,” I argued. “I may not be a Chosen, but I am still an agent of a goddess. Just by participating I could open some dangerous doors for the other team. The ancient laws exist for a reason, and if I accidentally break one that means one of your enemies could too.”

She looked me up and down with a critical eye. “And how the fuck do you know so much about it if you’re not a Chosen?”

“I don’t know you near well enough to get into any of that.”

She made a growling noise. “Look, I’ll be straight with you. Shit’s different this time. Gods have changed sides, and nobody seems to know why. I mean,” she threw up her hands, “our cleric is the chosen of motherfucking Yaos!”

Well damn, if the god of infamy was a good guy now, then shit was indeed fucked. I wasn’t going to tell her that, though. As much as I wanted this conversation to be over, I realized this was as good a chance as any to get some answers. “What’s the conflict?”

“Fuck if I know, the gods are being unusually cryptic, even for them.” She must have seen something on my face, because her eyes narrowed. “Wait a fucking minute, you know something, don’t you?”

“You curse a lot, did you know that?”

“Fuck off and tell me what you know.”

“Which one? I can’t rightly do both.”

“Just fucking tell me.”

I waited long enough for her to start fingering the hilts of her weapons before I finally threw her a bone. “There’s an outer god coming, and Allura seems to think it’s bad for business. If gods are hopping sides, I’m guessing it’s those that support the new guy and those that don’t.”

She spat out another colorful string of curses. “All the more reason for you to help, then.”I raised a brow. “Really? And which side are you on?”

“The good side, obviously. Dickweed.”

“And you’re so sure about that?”

“I’m a fucking paladin of Tydarr. Read a book, Tydarr is always one of the good guys.”

“And Yaos is always one of the bad guys.”

She opened her mouth to yell again, but I could see the doubt in her eyes. “So what, you’re just going to sit on the sidelines?”

“I’ve got my own shit to deal with. If whichever side is against the god fucks up, I’m guessing I’m the contingency. Lucky me.”

She made a growling noise. “I’m starting to wish you were the bimbo I’d hoped you’d be.” She crossed her arms and started thinking. I wondered if she did that often or not. “Fuck this, I’ve got better shit to be doing.

You’re coming with me to tell the others what you know. You can do whatever after.”

“The fuck I am.” I crossed my arms. “Why don’t you have your gods go talk to Allura themselves? She knows a shitload more than I do.”

Some of her vitriol faded. “We can’t because nobody knows where Allura is.” I stared at her, and she crossed her own arms. It was more out of reticence than anger. “Look, we’ve got one oracle with a communion skill and it’s got a three month cooldown. Last time we asked, they had no clue where she was. Hasn’t been seen in a couple of years. But they felt a burst of her magic coming from here, so they sent me to investigate.” She waved a hand at her own head. “Divine sense ‘n shit.”

Well, I could officially add that to the top of my things to do list. Finding out what the fuck happened to Allura and making sure she was still keeping those souls safe. She couldn’t resurrect them if she was dead. “I’ve told you what I know. She didn’t exactly give me much to go on.”

Kat snorted. “Maybe you know more than you think. I’ve got a keystone, so grab whatever pets you want to bring along and the busty blond and we’ll—”

The anger rose again, and I contained it again. I shoved it right next to the memories that threatened to resurface. “I told you not to call them pets,” I growled.

She laughed. “Or what? You gonna pin me down and fuck me too with your magic cock—”

The rage broke free. The memories came with it. I didn’t remember closing the distance, but the next thing I knew our faces were inches apart. “I have never and will never force myself on another,” my voice was deathly calm, laced with violence, “and if you ever accuse me of it again then I’ll rip out your fucking tongue regardless of who holds your leash.”

Whatever bluster she had disappeared. The color drained from her face, and she backpedaled from me. I followed, keeping within arm’s reach. “I’ve played the gods’ games, and every time I’ve come out on the fucking bottom. Only one Chosen has ever done jack shit for me, and you aren’t him. You want to go be their pawn? Knock yourself out. Just remember that the last Chosen conflict left us with this mess.”

“W—what the fuck are you?” she breathed, her eyes wide.

I didn’t know what she was asking and I didn’t care. “I’m someone who has been fucked with one too many times. Now go back to your little Chosen party and leave me the fuck alone. You come up with something more concrete that I can actually help with, come find me in Amesseria. Until then, there’s exactly one god I owe anything to, and it sounds to me like she wants just as much to do with you fucks as I do.”

She fell back into the grass, one hand clenching the hilt of her weapon with white knuckles. “I didn’t—I’m not—”

The rage in me faltered, and I was able to get a grip on it. Looking down at her, I felt immensely guilty. She couldn’t have been any older than me, and I knew better than anyone that nobody chose to be a Chosen. That was up to the gods. This girl didn’t ask to get thrown into a war, and I knew just by looking at her that she wasn’t ready for what she’d have to endure. She was arrogant, but I didn’t think she was a bad person. She definitely wasn’t the worst Chosen I’d ever met.

“This outer god wasn’t the only thing Grimsbane was summoning,” I could at least give them this. Having someone else looking into it couldn’t hurt. “So if you want answers, look for monsters that aren’t of this world. Monsters like this one.” I summoned the headless corpse that had nearly killed Serena and dropped it at her feet. Her eyes widened further, but her gaze kept darting back towards me.

I started to walk away and realized she wasn’t looking at me, but above me. My gut twisted when I saw the single, thick tendril that was swaying back and forth above me. It’s tip was long, straight, and sharp-edged like a sword. Not just any sword, either. It’s shape was disturbingly familiar, but I didn’t want to think about that right now. I hadn’t activated my skill, and my mana was untouched, so where the hell had this tendril come from? I dismissed it, but not before it…resisted me. Pushed back against the dismissal. That scared me almost as much as its phantom appearance.

I looked back at Kat over my shoulder. “Don’t let the gods wring you dry. They aren’t worth it. If you ever get tired of being a puppet, come find me. Divinity and I don’t mix very well.”

With that I turned and left her with the headless corpse. She could take it back to her allies and not be returning empty-handed. There was a flash of light. Kat and the corpse were gone. A part of me hoped I’d never see her again, but I knew I would. Eventually. Probably sooner than I’d like.

Though it terrified me, I forced myself to look at Serena. Her expression was guarded, but I could see worry and a hint of fear. “I’m sorry,” I told her.

“I’m not sure what you’ve got to be sorry for,” she said carefully.

Neither did I. That didn’t do anything to dispel the guilt. I began the journey back to the caravan, and I could still feel that kernel of fear in her as she followed. We probably made it halfway back to the caravan, walking in silence, before she spoke. “You hated her.” It wasn’t a question.

“No. Not her, but what she was. I’ve got a bad track record when it comes to Chosen.”

“So because she’s Chosen she has to be your enemy?” There wasn’t any accusation in her voice, just a desire to understand.

“I’ve met six Chosen in my life, and there was one of them that didn’t make themselves my enemy. I guess it’s hard for me to move past that.”

I could see her doing the math in her head. Her brows knit together, but she didn’t ask what I knew she wanted to. I wasn’t sure either of us could handle the answer I’d have to give if she did. “And now?” she asked.

I jammed my hands into the pockets of my coat. “I guess I can give them the benefit of the doubt, at least. One in six was alright last time, so there’s gotta be at least one of them that isn’t a complete prick. Maybe it won’t be like last time.

“I’ve done things I’m not proud of,” I said, not looking at her, “and those things pale in comparison to what I’ve witnessed. To what I’ve endured. I’m not—” My voice caught.

“I’m broken inside. I’ve been broken for as long as I can remember. I thought I’d moved past that, but…” My conversation with Kat had opened wounds I had repressed so thoroughly during the war I’d forgotten I’d forgotten them. Serena took a class just to stay with me, so I owed her the truth.

I started talking. I told her who I was. Who I really was. I told her that I’d buried everyone I’d ever cared about before Rhallani, though I didn’t give her their names. I told her how I’d shoved down every ache and misery so deeply that it was like a second Zaren, completely different from me, lurking. Waiting to take the reins anytime I needed someone—something that had no room left in it for mercy or hesitation.

I finally forced myself to look at her. There was a wetness in her eyes, but there was no judgment in her face. No condemnation. No pity. “I’ve killed people. A lot of people. Most of them I don’t regret. They were either monsters or trying to kill me. Some of them were good people put in impossible positions and killing them was the best out of a lot of really bad options.”

I let out a long breath. “I want you, but I also want you to—no. I need you to want me back. To know the darker parts of me and not hate them, because I can’t imagine letting you care for me anymore than you already do just for you to realize you hate me down the road.”

She opened her mouth, but I held a hand up to silence her. “I’m not trying to go back on what’s been said and done, but I won’t take things any further until you at least start to understand the depth of the darkness inside me. Rhallani has seen some of it, but not all of it. Not nearly all of it. Now, since this world is fucked, she’s stuck with me for at least the next six months. You aren’t. The me I had to become is still very much a part of me. It likely always will be.”

“Is that why you brought me? To show me that?” she asked carefully.

“No,” I said quickly. “I brought you because—because I knew she’d bring up memories best left forgotten, and I hoped you being there would be enough to ground me.” I shook my head. “I think I thoroughly underestimated my own shit.”

Some of the tension left her shoulders, but not all of it. She walked up to me and rose up to kiss me—not on the lips, but on the cheek. I closed my eyes and savored the brush of her lips, knowing full well it could be the last. I said, “I should have told you sooner, that way you wouldn’t have fallen for a monster.”

“You aren’t a monster,” she argued immediately, and some of the tightness in my chest loosened. “A monster wouldn’t have treated Scarlet the way you do. It wouldn’t have risked its life to save Rastra or Mai. Wouldn’t have almost died to save me. It definitely wouldn’t have held me the way you did after.” She pulled the cloak tigher around her and I realized it was the same cloak I’d wrapped around her that night. “I’ll take some time to think, like you’re asking, but only so that when I tell you I don’t care then you’ll really believe it.”

A curt nod was the only response I trusted myself to make. She smiled, though it was soft and uncertain, then she turned to lead the way back to the caravan. On the was back I desperately tried to lock those memories away where they’d been, but they refused. The genie was out of the bottle, and I was going to have to deal with the aftermath. One way or the other.

# # #

Serena took me up on the offer of the second tent that night. She took Scarlet with her, and I was grateful for that. I tried to convince Rhallani to go as well, have a girls’ night, but she wasn’t having it. I think she could tell that no matter how much I wanted to be alone, I shouldn’t have been. She was even kind enough to not push anything. She didn’t ask any questions or send her hands questing. She just kissed me lightly, told me she was there if I needed her, and cuddled up to me.

I trailed a hand up her back. I stopped when I got to the strip of leather around her neck. I’d known her with it longer than I’d known her without it. Even though I knew she’d wanted the collar, even though I’d seen her smile when she ran her finger along it when she thought nobody was looking, my conversation with Kat had shaken me. I had to ask. Had to know for sure.

“Rhallani?” I said softly, almost hoping she was already asleep.

“Hm?”

“I never—” Fuck, I could barely get the words out. “You never felt like you had to do anything when it came to us, right? I never made you feel like you had no choice?”

She tensed. Then she uncurled from her spot at my side and pushed herself up so that she was leaning over me. She put a hand to my cheek and forced me to look into her golden-blue eyes. They glowed slightly in the dark, reflecting off the curtains of silver and gold that hung around our faces. There was an intensity in the glow that wasn’t there when she was happy or excited about something “Zaren,” she said softly, but not weakly, making sure she had my full attention, “you have never done anything to me that I didn’t want you to do.” She smirked. “In fact, by the time we’d left the tower, I was ready to start ‘forgetting’ my clothes when we went to sleep until you finally made a move.”

I reached up and tucked her hair behind one ear. She pressed into my palm, and her smile softened. “I’m sorry for asking.”

She hummed, then she lowered herself and brushed her lips against mine. Her weight on me was a comfort, and she slowly enjoyed my mouth with her own curved in a smile. “Now who’s apologizing for things they don’t need to?”

The knot in my stomach unfurled ever so slightly. “I don’t deserve you.”

Her smile widened. “I agree.” She gave me another soft peck. “You deserve so much more.”

We stayed like that until she was sure I was okay, then she curled back up against my side with her back pressed against me. As if trying to show that I had her trust. I listened to her breathing slow and even out. She mumbled something and snuggled deeper into me, so I rolled and slung an arm over her. Rhallani, Serena, even Scarlet had started to feel like a tether. A handhold I could use to pull myself out of the dark.

I didn’t know what it was like to not have nightmares. My good nights were the ones that I was at least able to tell the difference between the terrors of my dreams and the ones I faced when awake. With the locks inside of me shattered and the Zaren of old prowling around through memories I wished I could burn from my mind, I was terrified to close my eyes. With how long I spent lying there, staring into the dark and listening to Rhallani slumber against me, I figured I wasn’t going to be getting any sleep that night. Though it left me alone with my thoughts for far too long, I preferred it that way.

I heard them coming long before the dim light of the hooded lantern filtered through the tent’s opening. I didn’t dare breathe when Serena slipped through the flap with Scarlet fast on her heels. They slid in quietly, and Scarlet immediately darted towards Rhallani’s front. Even unconscious, Rhallani’s thin, pale arms wrapped around the warmth as if they had a mind of their own.

Serena was a bit more hesitant. She extinguished the lantern, then she slid into the bedroll and pressed into my back. Her arms slipped under mine and wrapped around my chest, and she pressed her forehead to the nape of my neck. She knew I could hear every sound that occurred in the darkness of the tent, so she didn’t bother raising her voice above a whisper.

“I did my thinking, and I’ve made up my mind. I was wrong in the forest.” Her arms tightened and she nestled into me further. “I do care. I care very, very much. I don’t know what you’ve been through, but I’d like to.” Her fingers trailed across my chest, and I knew she was tracing my scars. “Like you said this morning, I’m your priestess. To me, that means my duty isn’t just healing your body, but your mind and your soul whenever you need it.”

I placed the hand not sandwiched between Rhallani and Scarlet over hers and laced our fingers together. “Thank you,” I whispered back. I wonder if she knew how much I meant it.

I felt her cheeks tighten, and I knew she was smiling. “I took a class for you, so you’d better believe you’re stuck with me for a good while.”

The knot loosened further, and I felt my own lips curl into a faint smile. She fell asleep not long after, and Scarlet drifted off, too. Wrapped in warmth, comfort, and maybe even love, my fear was gone. I wasn’t afraid of whatever I’d see when I closed my eyes when I had the people I cared about most pressed into me. I drifted off, feeling more at peace than ever before despite the emotions rolling around in my gut.

Even with the Zaren of old prowling around the recesses of my mind, the nightmares didn’t come.