Chapter 111: Grief

Three days. That was how long it had been since Allie’s world had fallen apart. Three days since Zaren had vanished in a flash of light that shattered the stone so thoroughly even Bennet couldn’t recreate the magic circle that had stolen him. Three days since she’d had to hold Serena while the priestess felt Zaren fight and die through her skill, [Allura’s Kiss]. Three days since they’d been completely helpless to do anything but sit there while he died, who knows how many miles away. Three days since she’d felt like someone had taken a rusty spoon to her innards and carved out a hole that would never be filled.

But Zaren had named her heir for a reason. Among his household, there was nobody else so uniquely intimate with loss as her. During their time under Karn she’d watched friend after friend die. She’d had to move on as if massive swathes hadn’t been ripped out of her soul again and again. He never said as much, but she knew his primary reason for naming her heir to the household was because he knew she wouldn’t fall apart when he died.

And a part of her wanted desperately to hate him for it.

But the rest of her wasn’t willing to let the family he’d built fall apart. She bit back a sigh when she reached out and felt the cold, empty space next to her. She forced herself to sit up where she lay in the center of the pit and looked around at who was there.

Nobody was ready to be alone just yet, so the pit was filled with bodies more often than not. Jayme cradled a puffy-eyed Karina to her chest, running her fingers through the Seelie’s hair while she stared at the ceiling. Rhallani, Stella, and Ryoko were all piled up together with Fang wrapped around them in his giant wolf form. She hadn’t seen Festus since they returned without Zaren, but she hadn’t yet mustered the courage to ask why.

Jack sat outside the pit in the corner of the room that Rhallani and Stella had modified to suppress her flames. Zaren’s shadow armor had vanished along with his death, so she wore nothing but one of his shirts. She stared blankly, lounging in a chair with one leg over its arm and a half-full glass of something dark and brown held limply in her hand.

Noelle lay between Tsuki and Alice. The latter two were snoring softly, but even in the barely-there light of the morning Allie could see Noelle’s crimson eyes locked on her. The girl hadn’t said a word since Zaren’s death. She hadn’t done anything but throw herself into her training. As far as Allie knew, she hadn’t even worked on flying in the last three days.

Tiana was nowhere to be found, but that wasn’t uncommon. Once the initial shock had worn off, she’d thrown herself into her work. While the last three days had been miserable for pretty much all occupants of House Nocht, the household adventurers housing was already boasting nearly thirty residents. Allie knew she’d have to keep an eye out to make sure Tiana didn’t drive herself into the ground, but if this was the way she coped then Allie couldn’t fault her.

The body to her left shifted as Therese sat up and draped herself over Allie’s side, pressing her lips to Allie’s shoulder. “She’s gone again?” she asked softly.

Allie only nodded. Therese and Nora had alternated between taking watch and sticking by Allie’s side nearly constantly. She’d have been annoyed if she hadn’t needed it so badly. “I’ll go talk to her, you go back to sleep for a bit.”

Therese looked like she wanted to argue, but she just nodded and laid back down. Allie’s nightmares had resurged with a vengeance, so she knew her friends needed the extra sleep. They insisted on watching over her, and she didn’t have the strength to tell them to stop just yet.

Allie numbly pushed herself to her feet and grabbed the jacket she slept next to most nights. She threw it around herself and inhaled deeply. It still smelled of him, but already the scent was starting to fade. She didn’t know what she’d do when it was gone, but she refused to think about that right now. She walked out of the pit only to be stopped by Safina.

“Allie,” she said, her eyes locked on the floor. “Um, do you…?”

Allie bit back a smile. Safina was another one of the household taking Zaren’s death hard. The dragon in her had all but accepted him as her mate, and now he was gone. The Half-dragon’s instincts were all over the place, torn between trying to bury everyone she cared about in her nest and going off to avenge her mate.

She reached up to put a palm to Safina’s cheek and the Half-dragon immediately leaned into her touch. “Why don’t you go and make sure everyone’s eating, yeah? Jack particularly looks like she needs something solid in her stomach.”

Safina perked up. “I can do that.” She pulled Allie in for a crushing hug. “I can do that,” she repeated.

Allie blinked away tears for the thousandth time in the last few days as Safina sped off towards the kitchen. She was a caretaker at heart, and Allie had noticed she seemed more at ease when she was seeing to the needs of the others. If only everyone else were so simple to help.

Case in point: the blonde on the balcony.

Not for the first time, Allie found Serena standing on the master bedroom’s balcony, staring over the city without seeing it while turning her amulet over and over in her fingers. Allie gently grabbed Serena’s fingers to still them, then turned the priestess away from the city.

Serena’s arms went around Allie immediately. Allie could feel the slight tremble in her limbs as Serena lowered her head to rest on Allie’s shoulder. “Did you sleep at all?” Allie asked softly, running her hands up and down Serena’s back.

Serena just shook her head. They stood there a long while, not saying a word as the sky started to lighten. It was Serena that broke the silence first, asking in a broken voice, “Will it always hurt like this?”

Allie didn’t answer at first, mainly because there was no good answer. Not one that would make Serena feel any better, and right now all she wanted to do was take away her friend’s pain. “The hurt never goes away,” she said finally, “you just get better at carrying it.”

A sound somewhere between a laugh and a sob slipped out of Serena and she clutched Allie even tighter. “I’m sorry. You’ve been shouldering so much—”

“And I’ll keep shouldering it,” Allie interrupted. “Zaren picked me because he knew I could, so I will.”

Allie fought to keep the tears inside as Serena’s started to fall again. Of everyone in the household, Serena had lived one of the more sheltered ones. She hadn’t necessarily been spoiled, but she also hadn’t faced the same hardships as pretty much everyone else. Allie knew a part of that was Allura’s guidance and protection, but in this instance the goddess hadn’t done her any favors.

At some point they turned so that Allie was leaning against the balcony railing while Serena cried into her shoulder. Eventually Serena’s breaths started to even out and Allie knew she’d cried herself to sleep again so she let them both sink down to the floor with Serena curled up in her lap. She watched as the others started to get up and move about. Many of them were only going through the motions, but it was a step up from lying comatose in bed.

Safina went from person to person with plates of small, easy to eat snacks, making sure everyone was fed. She gently took the half-empty glass from Jack and replaced it with food, and Allie was relieved to see the redhead mechanically eating. The others all started to filter out of the room in varying states of listlessness, and each one made Allie feel a little more hopeless.

Could she really be there for everyone? Zaren had become the center of this little family, and now he was gone. Their only saving grace was how close so many of them had become to one another. Everyone at least had someone. Nobody was going through it completely alone, and that was the only reason Allie had managed to keep her head above water.

“I’m sorry.”

Allie started, her head whipping towards the new voice. She was tall and slender, with waist length black hair that shone in the early light and skin like moonlight that seemed to glow. Violet eyes peered out over the city much like Serena’s had.

Allie checked to make sure the blonde was still asleep and turned her attention to the woman. She reeked of divinity, and Allie struggled against the sudden surge of rage. She’d have been worried if she hadn’t recognized the goddess based off Rhallani’s description. “Keone.”

“It wasn’t supposed to go like this,” she said softly.

“What the fuck does that mean?” Allie demanded.

Keone only sighed. “Zaren. Allura seemed to think his death was a possibility, but I don’t think either of us really wanted to believe it would come to pass.”

Allie chewed on her words for several minutes. “Bring him back.”

“I can’t.”

“Horseshit.”

Keone winced. “Even if I could, it would be reincarnation, not resurrection. You understand that, right?”

“Doesn’t matter,” Allie shot back. She’d take Zaren in whatever form she could, she just wanted him back. “You owe him. You and Allura both. Bring. Him. Back.”

“I can’t.” She looked away. “I tried. I went to look for his soul, to see if there was anything that could be done, but I couldn’t find it.”

Allie stilled. “What?”

Keone leaned heavily on the balcony railing. “His soul. Without it, I can’t do anything. I don’t know where he perished, so I can’t even check his body to find out what happened.”

Allie’s mind raced. She was talking to a literal goddess, surely there was something that could be done. “What about Allura? Could she find his soul?”

The pity in Keone’s eyes made Allie want to rip the goddess’s throat out. “It’s possible she could use your bonds to do so, but I cannot say for sure. It’s a moot point anyways. Allura has been missing for years now and none of the gods have been able to find her so far. Not only that, but—”

She cut off with a wince, clearly regretting the last few words, but Allie caught it. “But what?” she demanded.

“It’s better if I don’t say.”

“Fuck that,” Allie spat. “Tell me.”

Guilt mixed with the pity on her face as she looked away again. “There are a number of reasons his soul could be hidden from me. Another god or goddess could have beaten me to it, there are certainly a number that would love to get their hands on the infamous Godslayer, after all. Or, now that we know of his Zaverrian heritage, it’s entirely possible he’s been taken to whatever their afterlife looks like.”

Allie’s heart felt like it had dropped into her gut. If Zaren was in a completely different afterlife, did that mean she’d never see him again? “What else? You sound like there’s another option.”

She watched the goddess steel her resolve, then Keone turned to her with a neutral expression. “If Zaren was killed by the Jailer’s Blade, then it’s possible his soul no longer exists. There might very well be nothing left to reincarnate.”

It felt like the room started to spin. Zaren being sent to an entirely different afterlife was one thing, but to be denied one completely? Was he really and truly gone? She’d at least had some hope of seeing him again wherever souls went after death, but if that was to be denied to her as well…

Was she really never going to see him again?

That was the moment that broke her. Hot, salty tears poured from her eyes and she clutched Serena tightly. She jammed a fist in her mouth to stifle the sobs to keep from waking the blonde. Keone waited patiently for Allie to break down, standing silently until Allie felt like she’d run out of tears.

It was a long time before she regained control of herself. A few of the other members of the household saw her crying and came to check on her, but she sent them away each time. Safina had even tried to take Serena back to the pit, but Allie couldn’t imagine parting with her right now. Even asleep, she felt like Serena was the only thing tethering her to sanity. Keone must have hidden herself from everyone else, because none of them so much as looked in her direction.

“We’ll find Allura,” Allie said finally, her voice haggard. “We’ll free her, then she’ll set this right, however she can.”

“It’s not so simple.”

Allie had never heard a goddess sound so tired, but hearing it made her blood boil again. “Get the fuck out.”

“Allisandre…”

Allie all but snarled at her. “If you’ve got nothing more that can help us, then get the fuck out of our home.”Keone folded her hands in front of her and inclined her head. “I’ll leave you to your grief, then.”

Allie blinked and she was gone. Going over the goddess’s words in her head made Allie fall apart all over again. Without even waking, Serena wrapped even tighter around her. As if even in unconsciousness she could feel Allie’s distress.

But Allie wasn’t afforded time to gather herself. Safina returned and kneeled next to them. In a soft, understanding voice, she said, “Esadora, the Siren, is at the door.”

Allie bit back a humorless laugh. The Siren was no doubt there to follow up on Allie’s soul situation, but her timing couldn’t be worse. “Tell her to come back later, I don’t think I can deal with this right now.”

Safina’s lips thinned. “No.”

“No?”

Safina nodded. “No.” Her gaze fell to Serena, still snoring lightly. “You’re taking care of everyone else, so someone needs to take care of you. The Link with Zaren was supposed to be healing your soul. With him gone, there’s no telling the effect it could have. You need to let Esadora take a look, just to be safe.”

Allie blinked up at the Half-dragon in surprise. A soft warmth bloomed in her chest and it felt like some of the weight was lifted off her shoulders. She’d just been thinking about how lucky she was that the others weren’t having to go through things alone, and the same was true for her.

Looking down at Serena one final time, she came to two conclusions. The first was that she couldn’t tell a soul about her conversation with Keone. Until they were certain, she couldn’t tell the others that Zaren might not even be waiting for them in the afterlife. Especially Serena. She was already blaming herself so badly, hearing that might break her.

The second was that Safina was right. If she was going to try and keep everyone together, she needed to take care of herself. She wiped the tears from her eyes and nodded. “You’re right. Can you—?”

Before she’d even finished speaking, Safina was leaning down to lift Serena out of her lap. The blonde nestled softly into Safina’s wide chest as Safina stood, stepping back to let Allie get to her own feet. She was a little unsteady from sitting with Serena in her lap for so long, cutting off blood flow, but a part of her was glad for the small amount of pain that came from the blood rushing back into her limbs. Physical pain she knew. It was something she could deal with.

“Try and make sure she actually gets some sleep,” Allie said, brushing some hairs from Serena’s face.Safina nodded, then walked off to lay Serena back down in the pit. Allie only had a brief moment to feel the pang of loneliness before Therese was back, wrapping around Allie’s arm. Allie leaned her head on Therese’s and sighed. “How much did you hear?”

“Your half,” Therese replied quietly, “so enough.”

Allie just nodded. “They can’t know. Not yet.”

“I agree. Come on, lets go see Esadora.”

Therese led her through the uncharacteristically quiet manor. The servants all acted as if they were walking on eggshells, no doubt afraid of how their lives would be affected by the change in leadership. Allie needed to come up with some way to reassure them soon, but there were just so many things she was juggling right now.

Esadora was waiting for them in one of the sitting rooms. The moment Allie walked in the door, she gasped.

“He’s…?”

Allie could only nod. She sank down onto the couch next to the Siren and Esadora immediately gathered her up in her arms. “Oh child, I’m so sorry. Zaren was a great man.”

Esadora’s motherly embrace nearly broke Allie open all over again, but she managed to keep it together this time thanks to Therese’s hand in hers. “He was. His loss is hitting us all hard.” She swallowed past the lump in her throat and closed her eyes. “We aren’t sure…” she trailed off, unable to finish the sentence.

“Of course,” Esadora said, pulling away. She grabbed Allie’s remaining hand with both of hers. “I’ll help however I can, of course.”

She closed her eyes and Allie felt the slightest brush of Esadora against her soul. It reminded her so acutely of the feeling of her Link with Zaren that her breath caught. The Siren sat there, motionless, for several minutes, her expression growing tenser by the second. Finally, with her lips pursed and her brows drawn together, she pulled away. Concern swam in her emerald, gemlike eyes.

“Do you have any other Siren’s in your household?” she asked.

Allie frowned, then shook her head. “No, you’re the only Siren I’ve ever met.”

Esadora hummed, then she looked to Therese. “May I?”

Therese offered her hand immediately. Esadora repeated the process and pulled away with another, even more thoughtful hum. “You also bore a Link to Zaren, yes?”

“I did,” Therese said cautiously.

“And did Zaren possess a skill that allowed him to take Essence from those he was Linked with?”

“No,” Allie answered firmly, “And he never would have taken a skill that did.”

Esadora’s finger tapped on her thigh. “Might I take a look at some of the others he was Linked to?”Allie exchanged a worried look with Therese. Would Zaren’s death have even worse implications than they thought? “Why?”

“I…” Esadora shifted, clearly uncomfortable. “I wouldn’t want to speculate without more information…”

“But?” Allie prompted. If this was more bad news, she wanted to get it over with.

Esadora huffed a sigh. “Your souls have been drained.” Allie went to speak and she held up a hand. “If this had been the result of the Links being destroyed, then there would be tears. Even a Siren feeding on you, sans consent, would leave frayed edges on your soul, but the two of you are missing a near-identical amount of Essence from your soul.”

Allie’s heart skipped a beat. She thought back to the stories the others had told her of Zaren after the fight with the Valax queen. “What kind of effects would losing a chunk of their soul so suddenly have on someone?”

“Lethargy. Worsened mood. Increased susceptibility to stress. Something like intense grief would only worsen those effects.”

Allie thought back to that first day, when everyone had been nearly comatose. They’d all been dazed and nearly unresponsive. Could that have been caused by the grief mixing with whatever this drain was? “And our Links? Can you see if they’re still there?”

“There’s still something,” Esadora confirmed hesitantly, “but it’s weak. Barely there. It could easily be residual. I’d have to check in a few days to see if it’s faded to know for sure.”

Allie stood, pacing. “Therese, can you go gather a few of the others?”

Therese stood. “Who’d you have in mind?”

“Valith,” she said immediately. The Dark Elf had been close to Zaren, but not romantically. She was of the most functional with his bonds, yet even she’d been affected greatly by his death. “Rhallani, too.” If anyone might know what had happened, it would be her. “And Nora,” she added.

Therese nodded, then disappeared from the room with purpose. Esadora cleared her throat. “I know what’s going through your head right now. I hate to say this, but I have to caution against getting your hopes up.”Allie gave her a grim smile. “Trust me, I’m more than aware.”

It wasn’t long before the room filled up. Valith arrived with Tsuki and Nora in tow, and a few minutes later Therese returned with half the damn household behind her. Rhallani clutched Festus in cat form in one arm and Stella on the other. Allie arched a brow at Therese when Jack walked in behind them, smoking slightly. Therese shrugged. “She overheard me talking to Rhallani and wanted to come along.”

Jack arched a brow. “Something you don’t want me knowing?”

Allie just shrugged. “Not really, but I figured it best to limit the people who know until we have answers.”

“Know what?”

“That’s what we’re trying to find out.”

Jack just nodded and leaned against the room, far from anything flammable. Allie had a funny feeling she’d been sticking to the fire suppressing areas for a reason, and seeing the holes already starting to burn in Zaren’s shirt proved her worries correct.

Without telling them what she was checking for, Esadora went from one to the next. Once she was finished, she nodded towards Allie. After taking a deep breath, Allie addressed the room. “Someone’s drained a chunk of all our souls,” she told them.

“The same amount from each of you,” Esadora added. “And, just like with Allisandre and Therese, there are none of the telltale signs of it being done against your will.”

There were confused looks all around the room, but Rhallani sucked in her breath sharply. She cringed a little when all eyes turned towards her, but there was a spark in her eyes that hadn’t been there a moment ago.

“Ash is a goddess of souls,” she said simply.

Now it was Esadora’s turn to suck in her breath. “There are no gods or goddesses whose domains include the soul.”

Jack raised her hand. “Uh, I thought Keone was the goddess of lost souls or something.”

Esadora shook her head. “That might be one of her monikers, but Keone’s domain involves the children themselves, not necessarily their souls. It’s a fine distinction, but an important one. There is no god in charge of souls themselves.”

“Not in this pantheon,” Stella said softly. Her and Rhallani exchanged a glance.

Then Rhallani stepped forward. “Ash was terrified Zaren would die, so we sat down with her and came up with contingencies. Much of what was discussed was just theories and guesswork based on all my research, but…”

Treacherous hope bloomed in Allie’s chest. “Rhallani, what are you saying?”

She shook her head. “I don’t know. There were so many things we came up with. So many possibilities. But none of those matter if our enemy got ahold of the sword.”

“Then we get the sword back,” Jack said with a shrug.

Allie started pacing. “It’s something to go on, at least.”

Rhallani hugged Festus tighter. “If we can get the sword, Noelle can at least talk to her. She can tell us what happened.”

Allie was no expert, but she was fairly certain there were certain things gods could and couldn’t do when it came to other pantheons. If Ash had done something to Zaren’s soul, that could easily be why Keone couldn’t find it. She couldn’t ask that, though. Not without putting forth the possibility of Zaren’s soul being gone entirely.

Ignoring the sharp spike of pain in her heart at the thought, she put her hands on her hips. “Valith, you still have that compass Stella made?”

Valith fished it out. “Sure. Haven’t let it leave my person since everything went down. It hasn’t moved a wiggle since Zaren vanished.”

Jack cracked her neck. “Then we follow it. It’s either still with him, or the fuckers that killed him took it.”

Allie nodded. “Two teams. One goes for the compass, the other needs to find Allura. Our enemy no doubt thinks we’re off the board without Zaren, I think we need to show them how wrong they are.”

“There’s no telling how far Zaren was teleported,” Therese pointed out.

Stella raised a hand. “You could send Valith to get three points of reference. Note the direction the compass points at each one and see where they intersect.”

Allie latched onto the idea. “Yes. That. We go to Bennet, see if he’s finished with those keystones.” Among the other items in the vault was a box of keystones with unknown end points. Bennet had taken them to see if he could work out where they led without using them up. “If it’s too far away we can use one of those, or we can see if Bennet or Sandrel know of anyone with a keystone that’ll put us close.”

Embers flared across Jack’s flesh. It seemed the sudden turn in events had quite literally lit a fire in her. “So, how do we decide who goes where?”