Chapter 27: Just Some Talking

A/N: Tony and Fury finally have a chat.

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“Sir, Director Fury is trying to contact you. Shall I put him on hold?”

Tony has barely stepped out of the room where he’s taken Thor before JARVIS’ quiet voice sounds in the microscopic earpiece he’s wearing. If you’d told him this morning that Thor would ask to be allowed to meditate on his next steps of all things, Tony would have laughed in your face. But here they were and the facility he’d had J build for the hammer was full of empty rooms, at the end of the day.

He was still trying to wrap his head around the whole ‘Loki is a girl’ thing and if he could have, he would have spent the next few hours working out what it meant for him and his plans. Nothing on Earth seemed to be different from what he remembered yet, but Loki had very much been a man in his original timeline.

What did it mean that according to Thor, Loki in this universe had always been a woman? That sure, there were some incidents with shapeshifting and magical disguises over the centuries, but Thor was confident Loki had always defaulted to a female form at her base. It might have something to do with Tony’s method of time travel, he supposed. Because- no. He was letting himself get off track. Eye on the ball, Stark.

Tilting his head to the side, Tony considers JARVIS’ query for a moment before shaking his head with a sigh.

“Nah, he’ll just have Coulson track me down so he can hand me his phone instead. And that doesn’t sound nearly as fun as when I make him use Nat for that.”

A raunchy grin spreads across Tony’s face as he finds himself momentarily reminiscing about the numerous instances of Natasha handing him a phone with a furious Fury on the other end. Tony and Natasha had a deal. If she was going to hand him things, she better be willing and ready to give him a hand in the other way too. Or a mouth, as it were.

Needless to say, talking to Fury was a lot easier when he had Agent Romanoff’s lips wrapped around his cock the entire time.

“As you say, Sir.”

A moment later and Fury’s voice comes through, loud and clear.

“Stark. You actually believe this bullshit?”

Coulson had certainly gotten word back to his boss fast. Tony had been spoiled with having Natasha as his SHIELD watchdog for the last year and two months if he was being honest. Especially since she was on his side, allowing him to drip feed Fury whatever information he wanted.

Alas, Secretary Pierce couldn’t be seen to show Tony TOO much blatant favoritism, or it might actually raise Nick’s suspicions. As such, they were going to be saddled with Coulson, Barton, and the other SHIELD mooks for this operation. Just couldn’t be helped.

Humming, Tony leans back against the wall and stuffs his hands into his pockets.

“Yeah Nicky, I believe it. I’m sure you’ve already seen the readings that Dr. Foster and her team picked up out here last night. As well as what was picked up by satellites in the region also. I’m also sure that you aren’t a scientist, so you probably have no clue what it all says. Well here’s some information that you’ll be able to wrap your head around, Director. J?”

“Package sent, Sir.”

On the other end of the line, Fury curses as JARVIS bypasses half a dozen SHIELD Protocols in order to send the latest packet of information right to the one-eyed man’s computer. The Director doesn’t say anything about it though, instead he opens up the packet and after a moment curses under his breath a second time.

Smirking, Tony nods to nobody.

“That’s right, Nicky. The hammer is completely extraterrestrial in origin. And not just the metal either. The leather on the grip and the loop at the end is not from any animal on this planet, Nicky. Past or present. As for ‘Thor’ himself, he’s not human either. He’s been weakened to near-human levels, but his biology is completely out of this world.”

“… And that’s enough for you to buy his Norse God bullshit? Isn’t it more likely this is some kind of conman from outer space who read our myths and is trying to mimic them or something?”

Tony tilts his head to the side. See, that’s why it was hard to hate Nick Fury ALL the way through and through. The man was great at pivoting. Though to be fair, it made sense that the SHIELD Director would be quick to believe Thor was an alien… after all, Nick and SHIELD had had plenty of dealings with aliens in the past, hadn’t they?

Likewise, Fury’s idea that Thor might be an intergalactic conman was honestly kind of inspired. If Tony didn’t know everything he knew, he’d think it was actually a pretty solid theory. With that in mind, he lets his tone become conciliatory.

“It’s possible, Director. Which is why I’m taking things nice and slow. Being all cautious like. If he is what he says he is, we’ve got an opportunity to make an amazing ally… or a truly terrible enemy. If he’s not, then I figure we’ll find out soon enough just by studying him and the hammer. And like I told Secretary Pierce, nothing we’ve tried so far has been able to move the hammer anyways. Neither organic nor inorganic methods have proven effective, despite every scan I can run saying the thing shouldn’t weigh much more than it appears to.”

Tony shrugs as he takes a breath and then continues on.

“You catch more flies with honey then vinegar, Fury. And since we can’t exactly exploit this situation in any other way, I’ve decided that diplomacy is our best bet at this stage in the game. The WSC agrees with me.”

Silence on the other end for a moment, and then…

“Tch. Much as I hate to admit it, so do I Stark. But I’ve got my eye on you.”

Fury hangs up on him before Tony can make a pirate joke, but he just chuckles and shakes his head.

“Same ole Nick Fury. Well alright then. I suppose-.”

“Sir, Thor Odinsson has entered a state of distress.”

Wait, what? Furrowing his brow, Tony turns back to the room he left Thor in and steps back inside. He’d been expecting to return to a cheery Thor having decided he needed to do something like going on an adventure to rescue some damsel or secure some ancient relic to become ‘worthy’ again.

Instead, when he walks back into the room where he’d left Thor to his meditation, its to find the big blond man crying. To be fair, it’s the manly, brave kind of crying. Hands clenched into fists; jaw clenched even harder. One big honking manly tear streaking out of the corner of one of his big blue eyes. But there’s no denying it… he’s crying.

“Thor? What’s wrong buddy? I literally left you in here five minutes ago.”

Looking up at Tony, the depowered God of Thunder doesn’t just look sad… he looks broken.

“I… I have just received terrible news, I’m afraid. My sister visited… to let me know that our father is dead.”

Tony’s brain bluescreens for a moment. Getting his mile-a-minute thoughts to screech to a halt before would have been an accomplishment, but doing it now that he had ES3 running through his veins and making him so much MORE than he was before… fuck, that was a legendary achievement.

Distantly, he hears JARVIS telling him that the AI has no records of Loki’s presence or the conversation that Thor is now describing they’d had. But then, of course he wouldn’t. Because Loki is magical bullshit. Pure and utter magical bullshit.

… Did this happen the first time around? The SHIELD reports talked about Thor’s friends showing up and then a big honking metal monster that burnt down an entire town coming after them. They talked about Thor calling the thing ‘The Destroyer’ and supposedly laying the blame for its presence and the destruction it caused at Loki’s feet.

But nobody said anything about Loki paying Thor a visit this early. And they wouldn’t have, because Loki wouldn’t have let them see him. Or in this timeline, her.

“I can no longer seek to regain my powers, Tony Stark. I am… I will never be worthy of Mjolnir ever again, no matter what my father originally intended. To know that I was the cause of his death, with the fragile peace I nearly upset conditional on my exile… and with mother herself forbidding my return, it would be best for me to live out a mortal lifespan here on Midgard, as punishment for my crimes.”

Thor lets out a choked laugh, looking down at his hands as though they’re covered in blood, as though he did the deed of killing his father personally.

“… I must confess though; I do not know what I will do. Will you help me, Lord Stark?”

It’s the first time Thor has called him ‘Lord’. Tony realizes then that he’s deferring to him because Thor is letting go of his past as a Prince and setting down any aspirations he has for the Throne of Asgard in this moment. He’s asking, in his own way, if he might become Tony’s vassal.

… Yeah no. That’s not going to work for him. None of this is going to work for him.

“Your sister is lying to you, Thor.”

Thor jolts, his face scrunching up in confusion as he looks at Tony aghast.

“What? What are you saying?”

How can he not see it? They’ve been siblings for a thousand years, right? Besides, between his knowledge of the future and his enhanced brain meats, Tony is rather rapidly connecting the dots.

“Thor, you said it yourself. She’s the Goddess of Lies. Loki of the Silvertongue. And you’re just going to believe her? Tell me, who rules Asgard if you’re in exile and Odin is asleep?”

“I… she does… but she would not lie to me about this! Especially not if our father was not truly dead. He would be most cross with her once he finally woke up!”

“Would he? Who would tell him if you gave up on your goal to become worthy again and made no attempt to return to Asgard? It would just be him and her and so long as you remained in exile willingly, she would have to be his heir from this point forward.”

There was another, of course. Tony was a little foggy on the details admittedly. Some bitch named Hela had turned up out of nowhere and fucking destroyed Asgard. But with everything else happening with Thanos and Earth and Titan, as well as the destruction of half the known galaxy, Tony hadn’t exactly interrogated Thor for details. All he knew was that the bitch would break Asgard over her knee and reduce the Asgardian people to a mere shadow of their former selves.

Still, he also knew Hela wasn’t in play right now. And Loki hadn’t known about her any more than Thor did.

Gritting his teeth at Tony’s words, Thor finally rises to his feet and crosses the room, reaching out to throttle Tony.

“Loki might like her tricks and schemes but she would never-urk!”

Yeah, no. Not going to let a repeat of the Ultron Incident playout again. Tony had had enough Asgardian hands on him for two lifetimes. As Thor approaches, Tony steps right in past the musclebound blond’s hands and punches him in the gut… hard. With Thor only barely above a baseline human, Tony’s punch, which he does hold back on considerably, sends Thor to his knees, retching.

Crouching down, Tony places a hand on Thor’s shoulder and whispers to him.

“You told me that you were about to be coronated as King of Asgard yesterday. And that the only thing that interrupted you was Jotuns from Jotunheim sneaking into Asgard’s vault. But the Jotuns have been trapped on their planet for a long time, haven’t they? So tell me this… who let them into Asgard? Who let them into the vault?”

Meeting Thor’s eyes, Tony sees as they widen with realization. And he sees the moment Thor starts to believe. That doesn’t stop the God of Thunder from still denying it though, feeble and weak as his defense of his sister becomes.

“But she… she argued against going to Jotunheim afterwards. She tried to dissuade me and my friends from journeying to the Realm of the Frost Giants for fear of sparking a war…”

Tony just shakes his head.

“Maybe she just wanted the coronation cancelled. Maybe she just wanted to rain on your parade. Or maybe… maybe she knew that you would do the opposite of whatever she suggested, stubborn warrior that you are. So she put that Silvertongue of hers to use.”

Thor looks horrified… and then, funnily enough, he looks elated.

“But that… that means my father is alive!”

Tony grins crookedly.

“That he is, Thor.”

He was like… ninety-nine percent confident of that fact. For now, Odin should still be alive. Though this whole situation was revealing a rather glaring blind spot in Tony’s ‘travel back in time and save the world’ plan… he was woefully under informed on what the fuck was happening outside of Earth. Still… at least Thor was no longer looking like death warmed over.

“I must… I must get back to Asgard. I must prove myself worthy, reclaim my powers, and return to my father so he may know of Loki’s scheming!”

Tony’s grin widens.

“That’s the spirit, buddy. Time to get your groove back.”

That gets a confused look from Thor as he finally rises back to his feet. He keeps his relieved, joyful smile all the same though, even as he laughs heartily.

“Ah! You say the strangest things sometimes, Stark! Hm… how to prove I am worthy. Sitting in this room just thinking about it forever won’t work… I must do things!”

With that, Thor races out of the room. Tony snorts in amusement and moves to follow him at a more leisurely pace with a wry grin on his face.

However, just as he’s reaching the threshold of the door… it slams in his face. Tony raises an eyebrow, but before he can ask JARVIS what’s going on, there’s suddenly a sharp pain in his back… specifically in one of his kidneys.

Tony grunts, choking on his own blood as the blade is wrenched around, spinning him in place. Then, a second dagger is shoved into his front, piercing his other kidney in the process as blood dribbles from his lips. Shimmering into view in front of him is the wielder of those two daggers, a very pissed off, very female Loki Odinsdottir, her poison-green eyes flashing with rage as she twists the second dagger, same as the first.

“Who are you to besmirch the name of Loki, mortal? I am a Goddess and you are an insignificant ant!”

With godlike strength, Loki shoves Tony up against the nearest wall and then pulls both her daggers free of his body, letting him slide down to the floor in a heap as she towers over him.

“Pray that your death is enough to dissuade my brother’s renewed enthusiasm, mortal. Else I will have to send the Destroyer down to this pathetic mudball to annihilate him and every other human who gets in my way.”

With a flash, Loki is gone. And Tony is left lying there, the taste of copper on his tongue.

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A/N: To give people an idea of Female Loki's mental state at the moment...

She did, in fact, ruin her brother's coronation, but only because she realized he wasn't ready to be King and she wanted Odin to realize that too. Everything that happened afterwards, with Thor going to Jotun and then getting exiled, was not part of Loki's original plan. But then she found out that she was a Frost Giant on Jotunheim, confirmed it in the Vault, and wound up sitting on the throne after Odin fell into the Odinsleep.

Needless to say, Loki is not in a good place right now and here comes this fucking mortal who not only fucks up her new, slightly unhinged plan, but also is assuming things about her intentions, pure or not.

Now obviously we all know Tony is fine here. But it made for too good of an ending to pass up! :P