19 Home

I'm truly screwed. What is this? I'm going to die. I slouch as my anxiety and depression overwhelm me once again. I decide to leave and try to ignore my troubles. I shuffle back toward home until I notice Christal floating next to me.

"Can you give me some space? I want to be alone for a while," I tell her with a dark tone.

"I can disappear from sight, but as you are connected to the dungeon system, I will still be here."

"Seriously? Fine, that's better than nothing," I state as I climb over a fallen tree. She really is useless, giving half-assed info or not knowing anything.

I hit a tree. But I'm the worthless one, just like when I was in track. I still remember that last race. I'd pushed myself to the limit, and honestly, the girls I was up against weren't that good either. But still, I ended up in the middle of the pack. That's when I knew it was pointless for me to keep doing track.

Some of the girls advised me to say I had a disease or issue so I could take enhancement drugs or even get surgery. But I didn't want to change myself. I mean, I like the way I look. It's just no good for sports. Still, when I was given a chance to have an orgasm, I jumped at it! How is that any different from what they said? I'm such a hypocrite.

I continue this thought line as I walk into the house. I slump and trudge towards my room.

Mom looks up from her laptop and frowns. "What's wrong, honey?"

I just shrug and climb the stairs to my room. There I flop on the bed in my haphazard clothes. It's not long before mom opens the door.

"You left in such a panic, but I didn't expect you to come back like this. What happened?" Mom asks as she sits next to me.

"Nothing happened. I'm just dumb," I state into the bed.

Mom rubs my head for a while, not saying anything. I feel myself relax with the touch. Eventually, she pulls my head into her lap and continues lovingly stroking my head. "You've been so bright recently. Like back when you were in track."

"That was me being dumb too," I state into mom's soft thighs.

Mom shifts a bit after that comment. I imagine her looking disappointed. But I know she must have that soft smile she always has plastered on.

"If you being dumb makes you happy, then I'm fine with that," mom states with a bit of jest in her voice.

I rub my head into her thighs as if to hide in the sand like an ostrich. "You only say that because you always do everything perfectly." Now her gentle petting stops. She lays her hand on me, causing me to feel a bit of weight.

"When I was young… I did everything I could. Perhaps it was perfect. But in my perfection, I destroyed everyone around me. I was alone." See, she is perfect! "Perhaps looking at it from the outside and analyzing things, one might say I ran things perfectly. But I don't think it was perfect. If making everyone miserable and ending up hated is perfect, I think it's better not to be perfect."

"Yeah, that's easy for you to say," I complain.

Mom giggles. "It is easy for me to say. After that, I decided to start writing and had you two lovely girls. I'm happy now. Everyone thought I was crazy, but I don't regret it at all."

"But I've made a mistake I can't take back."

"Hmm, it is a mistake that is still ongoing or one that's over?"

"I guess it's still ongoing."

"Then you can still do what you want."

"I don't know what I want or what to do, though."

"What did you want when you made the decision?"

I blush and wiggle a bit. "It's embarrassing."

"That doesn't matter. You're my daughter. Even if embarrassing, you should go for it. If you can't do it yourself, find someone who can help."

"I don't know anyone, though, and the rules aren't on my side."

"Today, you don't, but there are still many days ahead." Mom's voice drops an octave as she quietly speaks into my ear, "You're my Hedone. You can do whatever you want, forge your path, and everyone will follow."

"I don't know," I mumble as the door creaks open. I look over and see Brigit poking her head in.

Brigit looks at me with strange desperation and sadness. "Are you alright?" she asks in a barely audible voice.

Mom waves for her to come in. "She's feeling down. I don't know what happened, though."

Brigit flops on me and hugs me. She snuggles close to me, her face next to mine. "Don't worry. We're here."

I grab on to my sister and squeeze her tight. I finally look up at mom, and I'm shocked to see a sad face looking back at me. Tears on her face. I grab her hip and grapple onto her. "I'm sorry I keep causing problems," I whimper as tears fall.

Brigit bumps my face with her cheek. "Idiot, you never caused any problems!"

I cry myself to sleep and later wake up with mom and Brigit still hugging me. "Sorry," I whisper. I lay there with them all night. I can't give up yet!