Consultation 73.
Consultation 73.
“Hello, God Waifus, are you ready?”
“Ready? What do you mean? And don’t call me that.”
“What do you mean, what do I mean?”
“Who were you again?”
“How mean! How could you possibly forget about me?”
It’s not that I forgot, I just wished I’d forgotten. I wasn’t looking forward to seeing her at all. I’d done everything I could to not think about it, but I knew this day would come.
“Haaaaaah. Look, can you just go away and leave me alone?”
“No can do. We have a contract.”
“Tch.”
“So you do remember me after all. It’s not nice to act as though you’ve completely forgotten me.”
“Let’s just get this crap over with. I absolutely don’t want to do this.”
“Great! Then let’s begin right away.”
She tore open two rifts in space side by side, revealed on the other side of the rifts was a sight I never expected to see. I squinted with a flat-lined frown on my face.
“Hey, Goddess Dumbass Japanese Game Show Scout, what the hell is this nonsense?”
“Naturally, the first game you’ll play.”
“I get it’s the first game, but why are there two asses inside the rift? What the hell sort of shitty game is this supposed to be?”
“Jeez, so impatient. I was just about to explain it too.”
“Then get to explaining.”
“In this first game you, the contestant, through touch alone need to guess which is the bottom belonging to a woman seated on a toilet. One ass will be a woman’s while the other belongs to an older gentleman with an ass rumored to be as pristine as a baby’s bottom. It’s so smooth I’ve heard it can even rival that of a woman’s. In this game, you are not permitted to use your hands to feel the asses, you are only permitted to use your lips. We will blindfold you, mix up the rifts randomly, and change out the two people on the other side of the rift. Please note, measures have been taken so you cannot see the answer using any higher-dimensional observational powers.”
“What the fuck is this shit! I never agreed to this!”
“You signed the contract to participate; as such, you have to participate. No questions asked.”
“Oh? I have to participate, you say? Hmm, I see. I see. Fine, I’ll do it.”
“You say you won’t do i- Eh? Wait, what? So easy? I was sure you’d put up more of a fight.”
“I signed the contract after all.”
“R-Right. Strange… we usually get God’s adamantly refusing at all costs. Could it be you’re actually eager to kiss a woman’s tender ass?”
I shot her a mysterious smile.
“What are you looking at me like that for? It’s creepy.”
“Hurry up and blindfold me.”
“Uh… okay. I really don’t like how confident you seem. Could it be you have experience in this sort of thing?”
“None at all.”
“Is this maybe your kink then? Kissing men and women’s asses while blindfolded?”
“Absolutely not.”
“I see…”
She approached me, wrapped the blindfold around my head fully covering my eyes, and tied it in a knot behind me. As soon as she finished, my hand latched out at lightning speed. I wrapped my hand around her neck with a sinister smile on my face.
“Kohoh. W-What are you doing? You can’t use your hands.”
“I know that. Don’t worry, I won’t lay a single hand on those asses.”
“Eh. Wait. What are you- No. Stop. No! NO! Stop iiiiiiit!”
I dunked her head into the rift which opened up into one of the toilets. I felt her frantically resist, she desperately clawed on the rim encircling the rift trying to keep her head out of it.
“Please, don’t. I don’t want to! You can’t do this to me!”
“Hehehe.” An insidious chuckle unintentionally leaked out my mouth.
Unable to see the scene, I didn’t let go of her neck. I pushed her further into the rift until her head came to a sudden stop.
“Well? What do you think? Does this ass belong to a woman or a man?”
“Mmmmmph! I don’t know! Let me go! I really don’t know! Let me go, you evil degenerate God!”
“Oh, you don’t know? Well, I guess we’ll have to try the second one then, now don’t we? We wouldn’t want to get this wrong after all.”
After I shoved her head into the second rift she screamed, “Mmmmmmmmmphhhh! Noooooooooo! Ewww! A hair! A hair! Ugh. Ick. Peh. Peh. It’s in my mouth! It’s this one! What the hell, they told me he had a smooth ass. Why’s it so hairy. Yuck! They lied to me too!”
“Then my answer is the other one. This one is the man’s ass and the other one is the woman’s ass.”
Ding!. Ding! Ding! Ding! Flush!
“Gugugugug! Nogugugoooogugugoooo!”
I let go of her neck, took a step back, and undid my blindfold. I was greeted by the sight of her collapsed to the ground on her hands and knees trembling uncontrollably with traumatized eyes.
“Bleeeeeh! I- I- I think I swallowed something brown just now.”
“Oh, did you? What’d it taste like?”
“You monster! What the hell kind of stunt was that! Redo! This doesn’t count! I demand a redo! Bleeeeeeeeeeeh!”
“No way. I completed the game.”
“Screw that! Do it again!”
Ring. Ring. Ring.
“Eh?” She took out her phone in uncertainty.
Ring. Ring. Ring.
“Aren’t you going to answer that?”
Beep.
“H-H-Hello? Director? What! It’s funnier this way so go with it! Are you crazy! This isn’t fair! I’m not a participant, I’m supposed to play the role of the game show host! This isn’t what I signed off to! Eh? You say it’s in the fine print? No way. For real? There’s nothing prohibited in what he did just now? WHAT! AHHHHHHHH!”
Smash!
After a high pitched shriek, she lost her shit and threw her phone onto the ground in a bout of rage.
“Hahaha. Sounds like I’m in the clear then.”
“No! NO! NO! This was just the first game. You got that? The first game only! There’s still two more you need to take part in to clear this. I’ll… be back! Just wait, damn it! I’ll first make preparations to ensure my safety if it’s going to be like this.”
She suddenly dashed out the door while covering her face in shame as she said, “Mark my words, this isn’t over God Waifus! Bleeeeeeh.”
“I told you not to call me that.”
Also, please don’t come back anytime soon. From the bottom of my heart, I’ve always hated these ridiculous Japanese game shows.