Consultation 52.
Consultation 52.
“Why are you back!”
“What are you doing, God? I’m the one who’s supposed to get the first line here. Don’t you understand how things work?”
“Shut up! Go away, it’s too soon for you to be back. Come back when it’s my 100th consultation or something if you really insist on bugging me! Just give me my peace and quiet.”
“Look, it’s just this once. This is just the inspection consultation to see how you’re doing after your first inspection consultation.”
“Enough of your asspull reason and give me the real reason you’re here!”
“Well after I published our last little private consultation I suddenly realized we’d somehow arrived at the fabled lands of... Goding.”
“Hah? You came here just to say that? Are you kidding me? Does my job mean nothing to you?”
Author averted her eyes to the side.
“Look, what did you come back here for so soon?”
“Well… I knew this would happen the second we arrived at Goding, but I wanted to get this off my chest. The one stars think they’re discouraging me, but rather, they’re just fueling the desire to keep writing to piss them off and force them into seeing this in the lands of Goding every other day for the rest of their lives. Can you imagine the look of salt and constipation all over their faces? It would truly be such a joyous occasion. Imagine it, God. Their balls receding into their bodies as they have to live with this smack dab in their face for eternity every other day. Wouldn’t that be the most beautiful sort of hell for them?”
“Imagine they wake up the next day thinking, ‘Hehehe it’s finally gone,’ only for the next day to come and they see it on trending again. Whatever will they do? They will think, ‘I must rate it one star. But wait, oh no, I already gave it a one star. What else can I do now? I know, I’ll leave a comment saying how is this shit on trending still! REEEEEEEE!’ But little do they know, doing so couldn’t make me happier. Their suffering is my eternal joy, God. Ah, whatever do I do, God. If such a thing really happened, I don’t know what I’d do.”
“Please, Author, shut up.”
“I can’t though. I just want to see their frustration every other day.”
“Author, stop, if you piss them off they will create multiple accounts to hand out more one stars.”
“Yes, I know, but that just makes it even greater. To know that I’ve gotten under their skin to that degree. For them to go and break the rules of the platform and possibly face having their ratings wiped altogether, isn’t it a bit too funny? To begin with, ratings don’t even affect Goding that much. It just affects whether people pick up the story. If you already have loyal readers who actively engage with it, it really doesn’t matter what they try to rate it.”
“Author, are you still sick or something?”
“Well, it’s true that I’m still sick. How the hell did you get better so quickly? Just because you’re a God? Or could it be because of Goddess Husbando that wants to get in your pants?”
“Don’t. Bring. Her. Up. That event is something I don’t want to remember.”
“Hahaha. I’m sure you don’t. Well, when are you going to put a ring on it?”
“When I’m six feet under in my grave.”
“Come on, be honest. You can tell me how you feel.”
“I wouldn’t tell you even if the world was ending.”
“Did you forget who I am?”
“Shut up. As long as I clear my mind, reach that state of tranquil nothingness, and have no thoughts, you’ll never get anything out of me.”
“Tch. Stubborn.”
“Seriously, you didn’t even have a question this time. Can you please leave if you’ve got nothing better to do?”
“Haaaaah. Right, I need a question or problem. I almost forgot. Uh… let’s see.”
“Stop trying to pull something out of your ass on the fly.”
“I’m not. Relax, I’ve got a question.”
Author placed her hands on her head, visibly struggling to think of something.
“Ah. I know. I’ve got the perfect question for you, God.”
“Oh, and what is it?”
“How do I piss off the salty people that see this in Goding and rate it one star?”
“What the hell? Do you even need to ask?”
“Yeah. I really need God to spit some facts for me.”
“Just do exactly what you’re doing. I’m sure it’s already pissing them off pretty badly. This consultation alone is sure to make their balls shrivel up a bit in frustration. ”
“Hahaha. Is that so? Great. I’ll do just that.”
Without further ado, Author materialized a mic in front of her and spoke into it, “Ehem. This goes out to all the denizens of Salt Nation out there. Haters gonna hate.”
She literally did a mic drop and nonchalantly walked out of the room like she couldn’t be bothered to waste her breath.
“What the hell did you even come here for?” I slumped on top of my desk and seriously wondered whether I’d lose my job because of Author’s flippant attitude.