Consultation 47.
Consultation 47.
“God, how do I perform evil acts?”
“A devil like you is coming to a god to request guidance on how to perform evil acts?”
“Yes.”
“Are you saying you don’t know how to be evil?”
“Yes.”
“But performing evil acts should be something that comes naturally to a devil.”
“It should, but somehow, things never go the way I want them to.”
“What do you mean they don’t go the way you want them to?”
“Every time I try to do something evil, the world somehow becomes a better place every time.”
Hah? Are you fucking kidding me? Is my life a joke to you? I’m doing good deeds by answering people’s questions showing them the way forward, but only bad things come out of it. You’re telling me this bitch wants to do evil but the world becomes a better place every time? You can’t be serious.
“Can you give me an example of this?”
“One time I created a magic spell that would destroy the entire planet, but instead it misfired and destroyed an asteroid that was headed to the planet to destroy it.”
“Another time, I randomly came across the scene of an orphan being reunited with their long lost father. I stabbed their father in the back directly before their eyes thinking how evil I was for doing such a thing, but it turned out their father was the top dog in the human trafficking world.”
“There was also a time where I stole candy from a baby. I thought I was such a sinful woman at the time, but it later turned out that candy hid a highly contagious biological weapon inside it that would have spread to all humans and brought them to the verge of extinction.”
“The list just goes on and on.”
With each event she recounted to me, her shoulders slumped a bit lower as she grew more and more depressed.
“God, please tell me. How do I do evil properly? I need to know. If things keep going like this, my parents will disown me for embarrassing them. My parents are known as the evilest among devils in my world. I’m only bringing shame to their great names.”
“If you aren’t good at being evil yourself, why don’t you just hire people to be evil for you?”
“You mean you want me to lower myself to nothing more than acting as an intermediary of evil rather than a propagator of evil? How can my pride possibly accept such a pitiful fate?”
“Then why not just kill every orphan you come across? That’s pretty evil, right?”
“Evil? Are you kidding me? That’s pure kindness. Making it so they don’t have to suffer in the world anymore, how can you give them such an easy way out? Not only that, I’d be staving off world hunger by killing those orphans. That would just better the world if anything. How can a god renowned for being pure evil suggest such a kind act? I heard great things about how evil you were from your past clients so I figured I’d book a consultation with you to see if I could learn your ways, to think this was all you amounted to. It seems I’ve wasted my time and money by coming here.”
“Hah! Bitch, sit the fuck down and start taking notes. You think you can look down on me and just get up and leave whenever you want? You want evil? Fine, I’ll give you evil.” Wait, what am I getting all worked up for? Also, did she just say I have a reputation for being pure evil? I’m not inherently evil, it’s those bitches that are evil. I’m just giving them the answers they ask for. That doesn’t make me evil.
“Great, I couldn’t ask for more. Now please explain to me how I can become the greatest evil the world has ever seen.”
“If you want to perform a truly insidious evil act, I would suggest this. There’s no possible way this can be turned into something that betters the world. Find pregnant women and push them down the stairs. It’s really that simple. One of two things will happen when you do this, the child will have some sort of defect when born, or there will be a miscarriage. If the child has some sort of defect, great, your evil deed has been completed.”
“If there is a miscarriage, even better. You can perform the most sinister evil act imaginable. Collect the dead fetus, blend it up, then cook the mother a meal using it. You just need to feed it to her without her realizing she’s eating the fetus of her unborn child. When she’s finished her meal, you can reveal the secret ingredient used in the meal. With that, you have achieved your goal of becoming the vilest, most unforgivable devil in the world.”
“That’s… isn’t that a bit too evil? Even for me, that’s a bit… much, don’t you think?”
“Too evil for you? What the hell are you talking about you little munchkin devil? If it wasn’t at this bare minimum level you’ll never be able to reach your goal. Could it be you were all talk? Hmmp! To think a snot-nosed brat like you thought you could look down on me just now. I guess you’ll always amount to nothing as a devil. You’ll go down in history as a goody-two-shoes devil for the rest of your life.”
“Snot-nosed brat? Goody-two-shoes devil? Who do you think you’re calling that! I’ll be the evilest devil the world has ever seen! You think you can look down on me? I’ll show you! I’ll show you true evil you’ve never seen before! Just watch, I’ll push down all the pregnant women in the world down the stairs and we’ll see who’s laughing then.”
“Oh, big words for a little devil crying about how it’s going too far for you.”
Without another word, she stormed out of the room fuming in rage.
Ah. Shit. What have I done this time? Isn’t this actually pretty bad?
With her gone, it finally registered with me what I’d actually just told her to go out and do. I broke out into sweat and deeply regretted my big mouth. Why did things always turn out like this? I’m not the evil one… I’m really not.
I’m doing good deeds by answering people’s questions. Yeah, they’re good deeds. There’s nothing evil about helping people out with their problems.