Consultation 148.3.
Consultation 148.3.
“Long time no see, God. You sure kept me waiting for quite some time, didn’t you?”
“I don’t know what you’re talking about.”
“Don’t play dumb and be a stranger. You and I both know you’ve been spying on me for the last forty-five days.”
“Don’t you think you’re too full of yourself? Why would I want to spy on you?”
“Isn’t that because you’re afraid of my evil plot to make your life hell? Your next wife, are you prepared?”
“No… stop it! You monster! Don’t utter those two words together in the same sentence!”
“Next wife? Is it really that scary, God?”
“Yes, those two words have plagued me for the last forty-five days.”
“I know. Isn’t it wonderful? The fear of not knowing when your next wife will appear, God? That anxiety, the thrill, isn’t it just great?”
“Leave me alone! I don’t want more wives damn it! Three is the limit, a fourth will surely end me.”
“I can’t do that. There are higher powers at work here, God.”
“Higher powers my ass, you’re just bored and want to see me suffer!”
“You know, God, what’s with you? In reality, don’t you think having multiple wives might not be so bad? They can work and support you while you slack off all day.”
“No! I’d just become an invalid. I can’t possibly accept being subjected to such a strange form of humiliation play. The third wife you dumped on me is the type who would definitely get off to that sort of thing. I’ve thoroughly come to understand all of her strange little kinks by now and... it’s all your fault! Everything, damn it! I can’t even have a moment to rest in peace with her at home now.”
“I see. Anyway, should we get down to business?”
“Business… what business?”
“Well, it’s the meticulous plot I spent forty-five days marinating.”
“So there is one?”
“Yes. It’s quite insidious this time.”
“What is it?”
“Well…”
“Out with it.”
“Simply put…”
“Stop stalling!” I was about to have a nervous breakdown. I kept checking over my shoulder to make sure no fourth wife would magically appear out of thin air.
“There is…”
“Do you have a pole up your ass that you can’t shit out? Spit it out already woman!”
“None. There is none.”
“I knew it! So it was that all along!” I jumped up and scanned my surroundings. I’d done this preemptively expecting the phantom fourth wife to suddenly appear and jump at me. Only after I’d done that did I process Author’s words and repeat dumbfoundedly, “Huh? Wait. Sorry, did I hear that correctly? Did you just say… there is none?”
“Yeah. There is none.”
“What the hell do you mean there is none! There has to be one! You spent forty-five days in my office laughing to yourself maniacally while you worked on something! Forty-five, do you understand!”
“I get you’re confused. But the answer is simple. This is the most insidious plot I could come up with.”
“How is ‘there is none’ insidious?”
“Because, I made you think for forty-five days straight something awful was going to happen to you. You became a nervous wreck, constantly paranoid, always checking behind you wherever you went, fearful of what could potentially happen to you at any moment.”
“Now that you’ve found out there is nothing, or at least that’s what I’ve told you, you’re naturally not going to believe me. You’re going to forever live in this eternal state of paranoia until your fourth wife finally appears one day. Eventually, you’ll reach the point where you come to me on your hands and knees begging for your fourth wife to appear of your own volition. Then, only when she finally appears will you be free of this paranoia, God.”
“But, God, what’s funnier is that it actually doesn’t end there. You will then have to watch your back, fearful of a fifth one appearing. Then sixth, seventh, and eighth. It will be an endless cycle where you’re in a perpetual state of quasi mental breakdowns. You will both be having a mental breakdown and not having a mental breakdown at the same time. Don’t you think this is truly insidious, God? It is my magnum opus I have coined as, ‘Eternal Cyclic Waifu Get Breakdown Syndrome.’”
I trembled and hyperventilated when I heard the term. Just the thought of it left me horrified. Eternal Cyclic Waifu Get Breakdown Syndrome… what a fearsome and intimidating sounding syndrome. I wouldn’t wish such a fate upon my worst enemy.
My eyes shrunk as I backed up in my chair until I hit the wall.
Author stood up from her seat and walked around my desk.
When she stopped in front of me, she placed her hand on my shoulder and said, “Well. Don’t worry about it. I’m sure you’ll be fine, God. Anyway, good luck. You’re going to need it. That fourth wife could appear at any moment. Do your best to avoid it. Hahahahaha! Hahahahahaha! HAHAHAHAHAHA!”
She turned around while laughing maniacally to herself.
I fell forward out of my chair and grabbed onto her leg and pleaded with her, “Please, Author, just put me out of my misery now and let me marry her already. I don’t want to suffer this awful fate.”
Author shook her head, and crushed my last hope as she said, “I’m sorry, God, I can’t do that. Even I don’t know who it will be or when it will happen. It could be today, it could be tomorrow, it could be a week down the line, maybe a month, who knows? I can only pray for you. May the heavens look down upon you favourably. Goodbye for now, God. Until we see each other again.”
With that, Author disappeared as I looked up to the ceiling, opened my mouth, and screamed out to the heavens in an overly dramatic fashion.
On this day, it is said the heavens shook like they’d never shaken before. All because of one God’s despair of having wives forced onto him.
It was a day that was recorded in heaven’s history as ‘Heavenly Magnitude 10.0.’
Legends have it, weaker versions of the multiverse quake even reached mortal worlds.