Consultation 147.
Consultation 147.
Today was finally the day. The day I would at long last be free. At least, that was how things should have played out.
We received a visitor right before the two of us were about to escape from the prison.
Presently, I was seated on my bed with an impatient expression on my face as I eyed the bastard in front of me. Seated on a chair he pulled out of his ass, the identity of the unwelcome visitor today was none other than the God of Shitty Taxation.
“What the hell do you want?” I probed the God responsible for the worst torture session of my life in irritation.
“What do I want? Well, I just came to check up on prisoners.” He stated nonchalantly with a shrug.
“Cut the bullshit, what are you really here for?”
“Perhaps a consultation.”
“I don’t do consultations with men. It’s in the title. You sure as hell don’t look like a ‘waifu’ to me.”
“Now now, there’s no need to be so grumpy.”
“No need to be so grumpy? Are you kidding me? I’ve been locked up in here for months with nothing to do.”
“What are you talking about? Have you not been doing consultations with the prisoner in the cell across from you every day?”
“Her? I guess you could say that... Were you planning to make me an offer to overlook my taxes if I can convince her to marry you? Did you keep me locked up in here to play counselor for her so I would turn into someone she trusts? You could then make me act as a wingman and vouch for you, right?” I didn’t need to be concerned about Goddess Untitled hearing anything I said since the God of Shitty Taxation had erected a barrier that completely sealed off the cell we were in.
“Huh? Marry her?”
“Yeah. What else would you lock me in here together with her for?”
“Where’d you get that sort of idea? That’s the exact opposite of what I wanted. I actually came today to check up on how things were going.”
“How things were going? If it’s not about me helping you marry her, what things are you talking about?” The foundation behind everything I thought I understood about the situation shook a little.
The opposite? What the hell did he mean this was the opposite? Did he mean marrying her is not his objective? Did she lie to me about something?
“Well… let’s forget about that for a moment. What’s your relationship with her like right now? Is it good?”
“Good?” I thought of the torture session I recently experienced and shivered. By the end of it, I was knocked out cold for a full month. I’d been on the verge of death trying to recover my energy for the entire duration and I only regained consciousness a few days ago.
When I remembered her ecstatic appearance as she looked down at me and had me pinned to the bed, I clasped my head with my hands and trembled uncontrollably.
“Awful. Terrifying. Scary as hell.” The fact that I’m married to her. Did this mean I had to go through that every single time she got in the mood from now on?
“No way. You mean there’s been no progress in your relationship with her at all? Haaaaaah. Well, with that defiant personality of hers, I doubt it would be that easy. Oh well, if that’s the case, I guess you’ll just have to remain trapped in here for longer then.”
“No progress… what sort of progress have you been expecting exactly?”
“Well, I was hoping you might be able to marry her.”
“Marry her… who?”
He raised a finger and pointed at me.
“Me? … But… I’m already married.” I wanted to cry.
“So what? We’re Gods, marrying more than one person isn’t anything strange. I’ve got so many wives I couldn’t even count them if I tried.”
In an instant, the picture I had pieced together in my head shattered to pieces, and I was left utterly dumbfounded.
“Why the hell would you think a little Lower God like me would interest her?”
“Why? Well… you see... that’s a bit difficult to say.”
“Difficult to say? Why would it be hard for you to say?”
“It’s a matter of confidentiality.”
“Confidentiality my ass! You bastard, it’s related to bribery, isn’t it!”
“Shhhh! Shhhh! Don’t say that word so loud.”
I suddenly had a terrible feeling. Like everything was about to go full circle.
“Why the hell did you pick me! It wasn’t just because I owed taxes, right? Now that I think about it, you knew nothing about me. If your intent really wasn’t to marry her yourself, why the hell would you think a person you knew so little about like me would be someone she might consider marrying?”
“Does it really matter? Why are you so concerned about the reason?”
“Why? Mother fucker, you have the gall to ask me why?”
“I am a Supreme God, you dare speak to me like that?”
If it was before, then hell no; but now, I definitely do. As for why?
“I married that bitch, you bastard! Of course I want to know why! There better be some damn good explanation for this shit!”
“Married… that bitch? Wait, you... actually married her? Didn’t you say your relationship was awful just now?”
“It is awful! Everything about this situation is awful! Not only do I find out she plotted to force me into a marriage with her, but even you were plotting the exact same thing! The one fucking thing I don’t want; not one, but two people! Two fuckers had the same sort of plot!”
“Two… wait, you mean you’ve already figured out that Author was the one who said you would be a great match for the Untitled Goddess?”
“Author? Wait… you mean to tell me Author was behind this?”
“Ah. You weren’t talking about Author?”
“Fuck no I wasn’t! I was talking about her!” I raised my shaking hand and furiously pointed at the barrier Goddess Untitled was on the other side of.
“What? She plotted against you to marry you?”
“Yes, she did! It was the worst, you bastard! And what the hell do you mean Author told you I would be a great match for that crazy Goddess?”
“Ah… well… that is…” the God of Shitty Taxation turned his head to the side and whistled.
“Don’t look away! Explain, the cats already out of the bag, you dickhead!”
“It’s a bit of a long story.”
“My ass in your face is a long story, give me the spark notes, Slut of Shitty Taxation.”
“Slut! You dare call me that, you insolent-”
“Bitch, who do you think my wife is now? She’s the Supreme Goddess you couldn’t do a thing about except lock inside this prison after she rejected your ass only god knows how long ago and how many times since.”
“W-What? You mean she told you about that?”
“Yeah. She told me a lot actually. About how you’ve been simping for her and bringing in whatever shit she asks for all the time to win her affection.”
“Shut up, I haven’t been trying to win her affection because I want to!”
“Hah? Are you embarrassed by the truth and in denial now?”
“I’m not embarrassed... at least... not for the reason you think.”
“What other reason would there be to be embarrassed?”
“That is…”
“What is it?” I pushed him for an answer when he hesitated.
“I’m embarrassed over my black history. Not because I couldn’t win her heart. But because of my own immaturity back then. When I was still hotblooded, immature, and naive back then, I plotted against her and got her locked up in this prison after she rejected me thinking I could easily convince her to accept my proposal that way. But after time passed and I was rejected time and time again, those feelings of wanting to marry her waned and I felt nothing but embarrassment toward my own selfish actions.”
“I inevitably felt guilty after I’d locked her up for so long, and ever since I’ve just been trying to get her to marry me so I could get her out of this prison. The reason I desperately tried to satisfy all her requests no matter what she asked for was a form of atonement.”
“I tried scamming- ehem, convincing all possible candidates among Supreme Gods to marry her, but they outright refused when they found out it was her I was trying to push onto them. She was already notorious for rejecting every God’s proposal. Upper Gods also all knew of her reputation and feared her… strength, so I couldn’t scam them either. As for Middle and Lower God, I figured if she had no interest in Supreme or Upper Gods, they had no chance at all to court her successfully. They’d probably just run away like cowards as soon as they realized she was a Supreme Goddess who was far out of their league anyway.”
“Get to the point already, why pick me?”
“I don’t know. I didn’t really have much hope for this to work out, but you’re telling me it was successful. I don’t get it at all. All I know is when I was collecting Author’s taxes, she randomly brought up my problem and said if I overlooked the taxes she was still owing she would provide me with the perfect marriage candidate along with a plan that would ensure you would get together with her smoothly. Since I had nothing to lose, I went with it.”
I started to hyperventilate when his words registered in my head. I mean, you’ve got to be shitting me, right?
It wasn’t one. It wasn’t two. It was three people plotting the exact same thing? And the root of all evil… Author?
FUCKING AUTHOR! YOU GODDAMN BITCH! SO IT WAS YOU BEHIND ALL OF MY SUFFERING AFTER ALL!
“Author was even kind enough to tell me all about the extra money you received from clients on the side and didn’t pay taxes on. She said it would be the perfect reason to lock you up. It was also a reason good enough to convince your two wives to not make a fuss. When I explained to them you were locked up for tax evasion, they just had looks of, ‘Ah, that sounds about what we’d expect from him-”
“Ah. Oops. I forgot that Author made me promise not to tell you about any of these things. Haaaah. When I get going, this always happens.” You loose-lipped bastard, I’d have been happier if I didn’t know any of this!
I’d been snitched on by Author and had a third wife thrown at me just so Author could put a bandaid on her bleeding wallet? Damn it, what about my bleeding wallet!