Consultation 106.
Consultation 106.
“Hello God, it has been a while. I really had to jump through some hoops to get another consultation with you since they told me you were currently undergoing some training in hell. I had to sign this ridiculous waiver that I would burn in hell for eternity, but I could still have consultations with you exclusively from now on regardless of where you are.”
Oh no, they’re on to me and are starting to follow me to hell now? What the heck, if I ignored the annoying bitches shoving diversity down my throat who occasionally making appearances lately hell has been nothing but paradise. If my old clients start visiting again… hell really will turn into hell.
With an extremely ugly ex[resopm, I asked, “You crazy apple loving bitch, what the hell do you want so badly that you damned yourself to hell for eternity just for a consultation sooner with me?”
“Well you see, things have been great with my apple-skinned husband, but I’m starting to grow concerned over his family. How can I ensure his family doesn’t notice his sexy apple-bottom skin (skin), boots with the pulp? With the pulp, do you understand, God? His sister is always lookin at me strangely and it’s getting me nervous that she’s caught on.”
What the actual fuck did she just say to me? Was this supposed to be code or did this bitch really just try to make a shitty parody of some outdated song? Am I a joke to you?
“Haaaaah. Look, did you come here to make a shitty parody song, or did you come here for some actual advice?”
“For advice, of course.”
“Then please take this more seriously, you fool! Your sister is catching on, how do you expect to deal with this crisis when you’re too busy making shitty parody music on outdated songs people likely don’t even remember anymore?”
“I apologize, God, it was my mistake. I heard you lost your touch, so I was testing how serious you truly were about this. It seems like you’ve still got it after all, God.”
What the hell makes you think that? Did I say something amazing and miss it? Like hell I did! I just didn’t want some garbage parody song to be brought into this world.
“Ehem. Anyway, let’s get back to solving your problem.” I cleared my throat and shook it off. This was one of my OG clients. I couldn’t show any sign of weakness. The moment you showed weakness, the degenerates would strike with more fury than a mother with 10 children fighting for discounted meat at the God market. An oddly specific example? Yes. Have I personally experienced said mother’s wrath? Absolutely. I couldn’t get a single package of the Dragon God meat on sale with her there damn it! Goddess Waifus gave me an earful when I came back empty-handed. It was humiliating having to explain how I was pitifully defeated by a mother of 10.
Enough getting internally sidetracked over my adventures at the God market. I must get this over with.
“Isn’t the answer to your question pretty obvious? Don’t you think you yourself have already unconsciously come up with an answer already? Think about your parody of that shitty song. What his sister needs to do. Or what you need to cause that is.”
“Oh, could it be?”
“Yes, She needs to hit the floor. Do you catch my drift?
“She needs to hit the floor?”
“Yes and the next thing she’ll know is…” I led her on to the answer.
“She got low low low low low low low low? … is that what you’re trying to get at?”
“Yes. Precisely. The answer to your question was hidden in the parody song you were trying to create from the very beginning.” The level of bullshit coming out of my mouth right now...
Just what the hell was I even saying? I myself had no idea. Low? What the fuck was that supposed to mean?
“I see. God. Yes. Your creativity knows no ends. To even take something trivial I said and turn it into the answer. I can’t comprehend why they said you lost your touch. You obviously have it all and more.”
Do you mind doing me the favor of explaining to me what sort of bullshit you’ve interpreted from the bullshit I spat out?
“She needs to hit the floor and get low. Haaaaah. Why couldn’t I see the answer when it was right in front of me?”
“I simply need to drug her so she hits the floor. As for low. It isn’t literally referring to low. What happens when you get too low? Your vision obviously becomes obstructed. Thus the answer was so simple. If she cannot see her brother, how is she supposed to catch on that something is up with him? While she is knocked out from drugs all I need to do is make it so she can never see again. I just need to remove her eyes and I’ll have nothing to worry about. The answer was so simple. God, you never cease to amaze.”
Yeah… I’ve definitely lost my touch. This was a complete longshot even among longshots. Like, are you kidding me? How does one go from repeatedly saying low to removing someone’s eyeballs? Well, whatever gets the job done I guess.
“Yeah, sure. Remove her eyeballs. Sure, why not? You satisfied? Are we done now?” Can I go back to not having to deal with this weird apple chick?
Really though? Removing eyeballs? Is that the best I’ve got? Why not replace her eyes with apples while you’re at it? Maybe replace his entire family’s skin with apple skin then brainwash them into thinking since they have apple skin too, it must be hereditary.
Haaaah. These solutions just feel bland and uninspiring though. Isn’t there something juicier she can do?
Honestly, there’s only so much one can do with apples. Swapping skin out might really be the limit of what is achievable with only an apple. But… is this truly my limit? Can I really not think of anything that can top apple-skinned people aside from simply adding more apple-skinned people?
Was this what they called degeneracy block? When you’ve reached peak degeneracy and there’s nowhere left to go? Think. I need to think. I must push myself... even further... beyond!
Maybe if I start screaming ‘AHHHHHHHH’ out loud for a couple of consultations I’ll eventually be able to think of something.
Haaaaaaah. Screw it, I’ve really got nothing better. Sadly, for the time being, apple skin skin was the degeneracy limit of what apples could achieve even for a God like me. Oh well, it may not be anything revolutionary that will change the intricate world of apple degeneracy, but at least she found an answer to her problem. You can’t win every battle. But one day, I’d still like to see a new era of apple degeneracy open up. Perhaps there will be a true prodigy of apple degeneracy that will be born one day who will pave the way to surpass the limits of what even us Gods can envision.
I can only pray that I will be there to see that day.
While I had lost myself mulling over my inability to surpass my limits as a counselor, my client had already departed. I was left with a slightly unpleasant aftertaste in my mouth. It was the taste, of a bitter apple.